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Thursday, July 20, 2017

Your Dying Spouse 339 - Revelation and Forgiveness

My fatal illness was not an accident of nature, nor a judgement or test sent by the Almighty.

It was done to me. Not deliberately, but through negligence.

(And this is my post for Five Minute Friday, being written, necessarily, ahead of time. I will try to work in the keyword when it is given.)

(It's COLLECT.)

Many years ago (I won't say when or where) I had abdominal surgery, which was done laparoscopically and should have been routine. An overnight stay in hospital, and I was out.

Recovery wasn't routine. There was a lot of pain, and I went back to see the surgeon.

This individual (I won't specify gender) didn't think much of my complaint, inferring that I was a hypochondriac, and left the exam room.

Three hours later the receptionist opened the door and asked exactly what I was still doing there, as the office was closing. The surgeon had left to play golf.

So I went home, and toughed it out. Barbara and I were due to move to a new home, and I was to drive a u-haul loaded with aeroplane parts on that 14-hour road trip.

When we got to where we were going, Barb had to carry me from the truck to the house.

An ER trip led to an appointment with a gastroenterologist, and he was horrified at what had happened. After several ERCPs (they stick a flexible fiberoptic telescope down your throat into your gut and look around) and CAT scans, he told me that I had been leaking bile into my abdomen, had cold sepsis, and that my pancreatic duct was damaged. He was kind of surprised that I was still alive.

He referred me to the Mayo Clinic, and they tried a procedure that had a mortality rate of 70%' worth a shot, eh?

But it didn't work, and I was told that there was nothing that could be done. Pancreatic cancer was going to be my fate, if acute or chronic pancreatitis didn't kill me first. It would be highly unpleasant.

And here we are.

For years I carried a load of hate in my heart, directed - understandably, I hope - at the original surgeon.

I wanted, in the worst way (there are a few meanings to that phrase) to personally introduce that individual to the devil, for it was there that I was sure that was where the road lay.

Every time my right leg gave way (the head of the pancreas is on the right side of the upper abdomen, and refers pain with a kind of unholy glee), I imagined gory medieval scenes in which the surgeon was the principal.

The interest I collected on my investment in hate didn't make me a lot of fun to be around.

And then...I remembered an old adage which has served me well. Hatred had driven it out of mind.

Never ascribe to malice that which can as easily be explained by stupidity or incompetence.

I was being grossly unfair. The surgeon didn't want to kill me, or make me sick. This individual was simply going off a body of experience and literature references, and made a judgement that was very wrong.

Oops. But that's all it was. Just, oops.

And I was left holding a bag whose bottom had been burnt out by the acid from my own heart.

Forgiveness does not come easy, because in this case, forgiveness is not required.

It was a mistake. There's nothing to forgive, or hold in hatred.

It was unfortunate, and that's all.

It's frustrating. A part of me wants to hate, and a part of me wants to feel oh-so-Godly and forgive, but neither is an acceptable posture.

So wat IS the acceptable posture?

LET IT GO.

And move on. Sure it's unfortunate, sure it's unfair, but so what?

Is hate going to make anything better?

Is feeling righteous in setting aside wrath for forgiveness going to make me a better person...or just someone who thinks so highly of himself that he can't see that mistakes happen, bad things happen, and the only real way to deal with them is with a smile, and a firm resolve to look ahead, however close the horizon of life has become?

Time to let go.

And let God.

Time for some cheerfully high-spirited and fun music from Guster, with Do You Love Me?



Still hoping to get the new and improved version of Blessed Are The Pure Of Heart up and running in the near future. Just haven't had the energy to do it yet...but if you would like to read it, please say so in your comment and I'd be glad to send you a PDF (which should fit your Kindle).

I have another blog, "Starting The Day With Grace". The focus is a grace quote from someone you might not expect (like, say Mick Jagger) and a short commentary. I hope you'll join me.



Marley update... been moved to a sanctuary, and Bay County will revise their 'dangerous dog' codes.

WE MADE A DIFFERENCE!

And marley has a Facebook page! Please drop by to see how happy he is today.


If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.

Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.









45 comments:

  1. Wow. Oh my goodness. That is awful! I'm sorry you have been hurt so badly through negligence. Your kind and gracious attitude is humbling to me.

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    1. Rachel, thank you so much...it was a very long road to get to acceptance of this, and sometimes I'm still a bit unsteady with it.

      But I will nurture that grace which has been given me.

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  2. Andrew,
    I never knew your entire story.
    To choose forgiveness isn't easy.
    It's not obvious.
    It doesn't make sense.
    This is Jesus in you.
    Nobody can read this and miss your clear testimony!!
    I am so saddened that you have endured this but you have chosen to let God use this for good.
    And that, that will be your legacy.
    I am so blessed to know you, dear Barb and Andrew!!
    Love,
    Tammy

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    1. Tammy, I'm without words, except a very sincere (and tear-filled, really) thank you.

      This is God's work. I'm the vessel, and what good there is in me lies in standing back and letting Him work.

      Love back, from all of us.

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  3. wow, so sad and sorry. I agree, wisdom and resurrection both say "let it go." huge happenings like this one—the smaller ones, too. grace and peace to you, to all of us.

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    1. Leah, thank you...and yes, grace and peace, and God bless us, every one.

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  4. I love the way you juxtapose a "light" (ish) song with some heavy content. Thank you for sharing these thoughts, Andrew. I will keep you in my prayers.

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    1. Paula, I appreciate the prayers so much, and I'm delighted that you enjoyed the song. It's special to me; I heard it for the first time on the occasion of the last time Barbara and I left the house for a 'fun errand', a trip to the ABQ botanical gardens several years ago to see a display of Christmas lights.

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  5. I can't help myself, but now I'm singing "Let it Go" from the movie Frozen. Oh friend, you are a wise man. It could be so easy to turn to hate rather than love and forgiveness. Proud of you! And glad you are still here. I'm in the 3 spot this week.

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    1. Tara, that's a great song...and it almost (but didn't quite) beat out Guster's offering.

      I'm so grateful for your comment...and even more so for your friendship.

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  6. sad to hear your story andrew. you are right. hanging onto the hate will not change any circumstances or solve any problems. letting it go into GOD's care is all you can do. He handles justice much better than we do, altho' never on our timetable! blessings to you this week.

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    1. Martha, you're so right...hanging on to hate is ;iterally 'hanging on for dear death'.

      It rightly belongs in God's hands, and it's His business...not mine.

      Blessings back!

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  7. Sometimes (probably most times) letting go is so hard to do. But usually it is the best way. Truly our lives are in God's hands and it is best to let Him handle it. Our pastor (my husband) constantly reminds us that He is God and we're not. Thank you for for sharing your story.

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    1. Cathy, you're so right - letting go is tough, and the harder it is, the more necessary I bt it is.

      Thanks so much for being her!

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  8. It's just so hard to let it go... Hope your day has some bright spots, Andrew.

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    1. Norma, thanks so much...every day does have bright spots, but I have to look for them.

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  9. However, you did have a medical malpractice lawsuit.

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    1. Susan, I was advised against it; living in a ery lawsuit-hostile state for starters, and being told that if I sued, I'd have a lot of trouble getting any specialist to take me on.

      In retrospect, though...I wish I had sued. That's what malpractice law is for.

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  10. You truly have been around the block with this! Wow! It speaks of your desire to move on and let it go when you can accept it is what it is as unfair as it is. Powerful!
    (btw, I wrote about collecting quotes this week and just wrote this down in my book from your blog: "Never ascribe to malice that which can as easily be explained by stupidity or incompetence.")

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    1. Amy, I am thrilled to...uh, I was going to say 'thrilled to death'...but anyhow I am thrilled that my words get into your quote book. Thank you so much for telling me!

      And I truly appreciate th kindness and grace in your words.

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  11. "Let go ... and let God" does not sound like a cliche in this context, Andrew. Thanks for sharing, as always.

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    1. Jeannie, thank you so much...I almost didn't use it, fearing that it would sound shopworn...but I'm so glad you found it frsh and appropriate here.

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  12. Andrew, I have been reading; but lacking in responding! I totally understand your dilemma with forgiveness. I found it hard to find forgiveness for the person that attacked me almost 20 years ago. But, for me, I HAD to because if I didn't, it would eat at ME and I'd continue to be the victim. So, as you said, I had to forgive...then "let go and let God"; because He allowed me to move on. Still fearful? Yes. Still the victim? No...not his victim! I know this is not the same as your situation; and I certainly understand your reasoning in not feeling it necessary to forgive. Letting it go is/was the best in your situation...and move on to deal with it your way.

    I still think of you and Barb often; I still send up prayers on your behalf. I send hugs to you both and know they are felt. Hang in there! Sharing your story is helpful to so many, myself included!!

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    1. Barbara, no worries, ever, about not responding. You are and shall remain in my daily prayers, and I know your life is very full.

      Thank you for sharing your experience, and lighting this issue from a different direction. Forgiveness, for you, is such awesome courage under those circumstances.

      Prayers ar appreciated, and hugs are DEFINITELY felt! I'll be here as long as I possibly can - I promise.

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  13. As my father would say, "Cripe o'Friday." That's an intense story. The fact that you could go from hate to letting go is a sure work of God in your heart. I admire that greatly. - Marie (mlsgregg.com)

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    1. Marie, thank you so much...the journey from hate to compassion was tough, and sometimes still is. But it's been worth it.

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  14. Oh Andrew, I never knew that part of your story either and I'm so amazed and encouraged by your Jesus-like response to a really tough and unfair situation. It would be so much easier at times to want to swallow the poison but you choose the hard and brave option. Wow.

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    1. Emma, I have no words except to say that I am so very, very honoured. Thank you for this, from the bottom of my heart.

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  15. What an amazing story, Andrew! And because you choose Christ to be the King in your story, the end will not be a tragedy but a celebration. You shine so brightly, brother, that it is amazing. Thank you for sharing your life with us. Asking God to surround you with his amazing grace and bless you in abundance!

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    1. Mari-Anna, thank you for this wonderful, gracious comment...it's part of the Celebration for me!

      And thank you so much for the prayers; prayers are what keeps me going. Well, that and Lo-Carb Monster Drinks.

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  16. Andrew, I am so glad you stopped by my blog and commented so I could find yours. I'm sorry no one played in the dirt with you. I'm sorry for the tragic "mistake" made by the doctor. I'm sorry for the pain you are in.

    But I'm not sorry that you have found peace in the midst of your beyond-difficult reality. I'm not sorry God has proved himself faithful in your life. And I'm not sorry you shared this story. Your path to emotional healing -- and the beautiful testimony you share -- will not soon be forgotten. The old adage you resurrected is one I wish I'd claimed for myself in times past. It's a great one! Praying for you this morning...

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    1. Susan, I was delighted to find your blog...you truly write from the heart, and your words find a home in my heart.

      I'm so grateful for your kind words here, and to be honest...I would not change a thing. I lost my health, my career, and my future, but I learned to live, and to love. I was too hard-shelled to take that learning any other way.

      They say that it's better to live one day fully than to sleepwalk through a decade. Yeah. It is.

      Thank you so much for being here,and mot specially or your prayers. I agree with Tennyson, that through prayer the whole world is bound 'round the feet of God with golden chains.

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  17. Andrew,when it's no one's fault or it is because of just plain ignorance, we don't always know the posture. Be still in the Hebrew translation means "loosen your grip". Jesus has forgiven ALL sins on the cross. Easy to say, until it smacks you head on. What a great testimony your are. In my life God is definitely taking every excuse and stronghold away. Your words penetrate and speak to my heart. Thank you for helping me navigate through my personal stormy seas to discover hopeful waters. Praying for you this week.

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    1. Mary, thank you so much for this, and especially for the Hebrew translation of 'be still'. That's really perfect.

      And yes, it's easy to say but when it's ME having to do it...ugh. Hard.

      I'm so glad that you've found some help in my words. That makes this all worthwhile; that's why I do this.

      And I am so grateful for your prayers; please know you are in mine.

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  18. I understand how unforgiveness and hate can make your heart and mind constantly flip-flop. Jerry and I can pinpoint the exact circumstance that started his health in the downward spiral, snowballing to the point it engulfed our entire being. And in some moments filled us with so much hate we could not forgive.

    Except for God. Letting go to let God has been on constant loop with us. But with age and wisdom and reliance on Him, we've found it easier to do.

    Prayers that your reliance on God to handle the baggage of unforgiveness continues to get easier for you.

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    1. Diana, it is so hard to hold the knowledge of that moment when everything went wrong, so hard to hold back the hate.

      And yes, letting the forgiveness be "God's problem" makes all the difference...and it does get easier with ageThank you so much for the prayers!

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  19. Good morning Andrew, thank you for your transparency in what sounds like a hard story. It is amazing how Christ works in our heart's to change what happens in our relationships on this earth. May God bless each step you take today, Julie

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    1. Julie, thank you so much for these lovely and uplifting words. And yes, it is amazing how Christ does the heavy lifting of our heavy hearts.

      Blessings back, and many thanks for being here!

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  20. Andrew, I hate that this is a part of your story but I'm so inspired at the hope you are sharing with others through it. Sounds like you went from collecting hate to collecting peace. Thank you for sharing your journey. May God give you more peace than you could imagine in the days to come. #fmfparty emptyplatefullheart.com

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    1. Andrea, I LOVE the way you put this...'going from collecting hate to collecting peace'.

      Thank you so much for your prayers, and for being here.

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  21. Oh dear Andrew, what a sad state of affairs. As others said, I never knew the entire story, even though I've read back a bunch in your blog. I'm with Susan, a malpractice suit would have been in order, and I, am not one to say that lightly.

    To have your outlook however, in the midst of your illness is Christ in you I'm certain.

    I haven't written this week yet...not sure I'll make it.

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    1. Christy, thank you so much...and in retrospect, I think I should have followed up with the malpractice suit. Not in anger, but because it's part of medicine's self-correcting mechanism.

      I am so grateful for your words...and thank you so much for the postcard! It's in a place of honour in the living room.

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  22. Wow, Andrew. I had my gall bladder removed last fall. It didn't occur to me how badly a surgery could go wrong. And for the the surgeon to be so uncaring. Just, wow. I'm sad the doctor wasn't held accountable for the damage he did. It's not that it can be undone, but it would help with how you're treated now.

    As it stands, your message of forgiveness is powerful. Your story is powerful.

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    1. Cheryl, thank you for this...and I'm glad your surgery went well! I rather wish now that I had pursued a malpractice suit, because it is part of medicine's self-correcting mechanism...but at the time, living in a state hostile to lawsuits, it seemed better to let it go. Ah, well.

      Thank you so much for your kind and uplifting words, and for being here.

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  23. What a terrible thing to happen to anyone. so many times others mistakes affect us for a life time, literally. I am so sorry this happened to you, so sorry. I agree with where you came to on how to deal with the anger, etc. Part of life is making mistakes, I pray it can be fixed by the doctors and restore to you your health.

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