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Thursday, June 18, 2015

Your Dying Spouse 20 - Fear of Death

We're back with Five Minute Friday, hosted by Kate Motaung, a five-minute writing exercise centered on a keyword; today it's FEAR. (You might be interested in a previous post I did on the subject...click here to see it.)

Today we're also linked to Messy Marriage's Wedded Wednesday.

OK, go!

There's an old joke about a man who walked around New York City clapping two sticks together. When asked why, he said it was to keep the tigers away. When it was pointed out to him that there were no wild tigers within about 8,000 miles, he said, "Well, see how well it works!"

Fear of death is like that. As Christians, we're not supposed to be afraid of that Last Enemy. It's easy to do when you're pretty sure you won't die within the next few days, or weeks.

But when it's real, it can be quite different.

How can you deal with the fear of death in a husband or wife who's dying? What can you say, to help them across that chasm of dread, to find sure footing on the other side?

Not much, as it turns out, because this is the time to listen.

Eventually, your mate will want to talk about fear, about the uncertainty that they may be feeling. Is it all real? Is there an afterlife more real than this, that'll make Earth seem like a dream?

Listen, and be a reassuring presence. Don't interrupt. It's tempting, especially when you hear doubt, but hang in there...because usually they'll work the doubt out by themselves.

But sometimes you'll get the question..."What do you think?"

Here's where your job description of 'caregiver' really comes into play. Thius is the time to put Care first, and not worry about intellectual honesty of true witnessing.

If you're a committed atheist, and you're asked, "Is there anything after?", for Pete's sake, don't say, "No."

For one thing, you don't know that.  It's what you believe; it's not a statement of fact.

For another thing, it's cruel to take away the smallest shred of hope.

If you're a devout Christian, don't start into a description of your vision of heaven, courtesy the Book of Revelation. It's not the time to start talking about Streets of Gold, or foundations of precious stones, or the Court of the Most High.

Just keep it simple, and say, "Yes."

And whatever you do, don't say something like "I envy you...soon you'll be dancing before the Lord!"

I guarantee you, someone who's dying will gladly trade places, if you say that, and let you do your dance first. No one really wants to die.

But be assured...for the vast majority of the dying, fear does pass, and is replaced by a calm acceptance, on a foundation of faith. It may not be the dancing-on-the-streets-of-gold variety.

It just says...I know we'll meet again.

Endex.

36 comments:

  1. It just says... I know we'll meet again! Those words say everything. It makes me think of my mom who passed a year and a half ago and how honored I was to be with her when Jesus took her home. The presence of peace was palpable and if she was still talking at that moment she would have said "Till we meet again". Your insight teaches me and provides an understanding that very few know firsthand. Thank you so much!

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    1. First, I'm sorry for the loss of your Mom's company here...and the warmth of peace that you felt warms me, even at this remove. You've given me a bit of reassurance, and for that, I am very grateful!

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  2. Andrew,
    I was not for a moment disappointed. I was spellbound. And thank you for extreme versions of "what-not-to-say". Those were excellent.
    Many times, it's the listening that we find difficult. The pause, the silence. The reality faced that there will be a silence upcoming that we don't want. So thankful that separation is temporary, but I hate it all the same.
    Thank you for adding so much to the five minute fridays! I'm the post after you this week. (#7)
    ~Tammy (tammysincerity)

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    1. Tammy, thank you so much...I hate the separation, too. I hate having to walk on in the world, with that pain of loss. And even Jesus wept, when He heard of Lazarus' death. Even though He knew He would raise his friend, He felt the pain that we all feel. That's what makes him our cobber,

      A personal aside - one of our older dogs passed away on the 16th, a lovely, gentle Pit Bull named, coincidentally, Tammy. Being near enough to death myself, I feel like she's stopping here for a bit, waiting to walk me home when I go.

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    2. Andrew,
      so sorry for your loss. Pets that pass after such a long life with us are especially a painful separation. And, my best friend's German Shepherd was also a "Tammy". I should tell you a funny anecdote about that. I do believe she will walk with you. And you mentioned on someone else's comments how deep the pain recently.
      Dear Lord, I lift up my brother Andrew right now. If You are willing, I pray that His pain would subside right now. That in Your mercy, You would cause your Spirit to manifest so greatly that He would be aware of You more than anything in this world. In the times where He is unconscious, that He would feel that weightless gift of being carried in Your hands, and in His conscious state, that He would be given visions and able to type them.
      Lord, let Your voice resonate through Him in every day You still have written for Him here.
      Amen.

      So the story (I'll try to be brief). While camping with a childhood best friend during the college years (whose dad was our school principal), we had breakfast. The scrambled eggs were full of liquid. (I think they used cottage cheese in them?) It made me nauseous. I was searching the food bin for condiments to drown out the slippery texture and had just lathered up the mustard (No ketchup?! Oh the tragedy!) when I heard the voice of my friends mother sharply scold, "TAMMY!"
      I cowered and began to blurt an apology when I looked over and realized that she was scolding the German Shepherd for getting into somebody's plate.
      *big sigh of relief*

      May your scrambled eggs be firm and fluffy today. :)
      ~Tammy (tammysincerity)

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    3. Tammy, thank you so much for the condolences...and the prayer...and the delightful story about Tammy the German Shepherd! I loved it!

      We have a Jack Russell named Rufus, whose mission is chaos and whose full name should have been "Rufus? Rufus! RUFUS! Oh, crap."

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  3. Andrew, another great post. Your perspective is beyond helpful. I, too, appreciate the insight of what NOT to say. Listening is the best gift we can give.

    And this? "Is it all real? Is there an afterlife more real than this, that'll make Earth seem like a dream?" What a perspective shifter. And there is such hope in knowing we will meet people again.

    Praying for you tonight.

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    1. jeanne, thank you so much for this. It was a hard post to write; very personal. I've had near-death experiences; I've seen friends I loved, who had left this life in pieces (literally), made whole and happy, waiting to greet me.

      I don't doubt, but I do fear the transition. Like the guy who gets shot out of the cannon for the first time, I know there's a net waiting for me. But between shinnying down the barrel and relaxing, post-trajectory, in the net...there's the explosion.

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  4. Andrew, yes I do believe. And indeed we will meet again. There is hope in that promise for me. I hope there is for you too! Prayers ascending still for you friend!

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    1. Thank you so much for the prayers, Tara. And I do believe; I've been there through near-death experiences (had last rites several times), and I know that I have friends in Heaven.

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  5. 'Calm acceptance'. Yes, this is true. I saw it on the face of my own mum as she felt the breeze of the next life already blowing on her face... it's a miracle to behold. A true testimony, and a work of God. (More on that story: https://ruthemarriott.wordpress.com/2014/12/12/five-minute-friday-prepare/). May you know both the same peace, day by day.

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    1. I love that, "as she felt the breeze of the next life already blowing on her face." Oh my.

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    2. Oh, Ruth, what a lovely, lovely phrase...and thank you so much for sharing that sublime moment of loss and peace.

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  6. Beautiful Post Andrew. This post brought a lump to my throat and warmth to my heart. I spent 14 months as care giver to a dear friend and we traveled that road of uncertainly together and when he couldn't speak anymore his eyes still asked me the same questions...So heart warming for me to read your post and to know that despite my ignorance...I did right by him and kept it simple...a simple belief that we will see one another again. Bless you for your insight and inspiration. Visiting from FMF.

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    1. Thank you so much for being here today, and for sharing that story. I'm honored by your words, that I could help to provide some reassurance. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

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  7. What a beautiful post. Thank you so much for your willingness to share openly and honestly. I love how you distilled it down to "I know will meet again". As a mother who said goodbye to her son far too soon, that sentence soothes my aching soul. I'm so glad I read your message today.
    Be Blessed, Elizabeth
    @Blessed Beyond the Mess

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    1. I am so honored that I could help, and so very, very sorry for that terrible loss. Elizabeth, my prayers are with you.

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  8. andrew, thanks for a great post. helpful for those who can be quite insensitive...and often i fall into that category myself without even being aware:( i don't know if you have heard of a blog that has been out there http://www.mundanefaithfulness.com that was written by a woman for about 2.5 years as she was dying of breast cancer. left 4 children behind. she passed just recently. the blog is being continued by a close fried with guest posts by other close friends and her husband. you would find it very encouraging.

    they discussed their fears and griefs ahead of time very openly, less so with their children, but at crucial points, they did. she also wrote a book. it might give you ideas of things to discuss with your wife or children that you hadn't thought of to prepare them for the future.

    blessings to you and your family during this painful time. i know GOD will be caring for all you as you face the future. i arrived here indirectly from fmf. (saw you on a comment page:)

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    1. We can all be insensitive...I know I am, sometimes. And sometimes the worst insensitivity is toward ourselves, in not extending ourselves the grace that we're very ready to give others. I do that often...and when I do, it seems to nullify Christ in my life...He came for me, and in rejecting myself, I reject His gift. Does that make sense?

      I found dear Kara's blog shortly before her death, and indeed it was - and still is - a treasure. Surely Heaven could turn down the lights and save a bit of money on electricity when she arrived, because her inner light is so bright!

      Thank you so much for the prayers. Today was and is rather ghastly, and I find I do need them...and cannot go on without that prayerful support. The lessons of faith and love we learn. sometimes!

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  9. Andrew, There are times in life when we are most certainly supposed to teach and give our educated/opinionated answers, but as you clearly point out, this would not be one of those times.

    Our church had a mandatory course for all LifeGroup leaders on death and grief. I'm so glad. It pointed out many of the things you talk about here. People just seem to want an active listener, though often not a marathon visitor. They don't want to feel forgotten. Presence says so much more than words. Be blessed, Andrew. Prayers are being sent continuously. Hope you loved Blog and Mablog, I bet it kept you busy for a while. (smile)

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    1. Exactly right, and I am so glad the death/grief course hit the right points. It's difficult, especially when one wants to use the opportunity to help an unsaved individual...but that is precisely the time when our presence leaves room for God to come in and do the heavy lifting.

      Blog and Mablog is cool!

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  10. Andrew, the post was so honest, I'd like to use a better word but can't think of one. My mom left this earth in October of 2012 - she had quite a pre-death dream. I want to share it with you, if that's okay, it is here: http://hopehearthome.com/?p=3670
    And, you're so right it is the intermediary of the transition that quakes my footing. xo So glad to have made your acquaintance on FMF (I'm over in slot 48 today).

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    1. I'm delighted that you're here, Susan, and I'd like to encourage those reading this to visit the link Susan provided. It's just wonderful.

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  11. Andrew, your perspective is appreciated. I've learned much from you, and much from your words in this post. A friend of mine was dying of brain cancer years ago and we would talk for hours on the future. It would have been helpful to have your words in my head back then. He had no fear of dying, but all of the unknowns were hard for him and me. Praying for you today, brother.

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    1. Julie, thank you so much...and I'm sure you did a great job. Your writing is so rich in the wisdom and faith of your heart, that I cannot imagine that your support was anything but uplifting, helping waft his soul to Heaven like a leaf borne on a warm spring breeze.

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  12. Andrew, thank you for this. So often people just don't know what to say when someone is dying and is real enough to admit that the thought of it is scary . I think they mean well, but they just fumble. I've never been in that place, but I know if I ever am, I will know what to do. Praying for you and yours! Thanks for stopping by my blog and leaving me a comment... Stopping by from FMF!

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    1. It is wonderful to have you here with us today, and your blog is a delight. I'd encourage anyone reading this to visit!

      It is a scary place to be...and I am honored that I've been able to help equip you, if you ever need it. I'm sure you'll be a wonderful, warm support.

      And thank you for the prayers...hard day, and I do appreciate and need them

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  13. Andrew, thank you once again for your words...it IS often hard to know the right words to say to someone who is dying, or has lost a loved one (even a beloved pet). A friend of mine, who is currently undergoing treatments for cancer - with additional tests to see how far it has spread), recently lost his beloved pet. Even though he has other dogs, this one was the oldest and his longest "buddy". So heart-breaking...

    And so heart-breaking to know you are losing a loved one...from both yours and your wife's perspective. I have now lost both parents and grandparents, as well as other friends...and know I will see them again one day. I look forward to meeting you as well...in the "great beyond"...however we may describe it or see it.

    Thank you as always for your beautiful inspiring words; tears feel my eyes each time I see an e-mail letting me know of your post...Praying with you and Barbara!

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    1. A smart person once said that goodbyes are necessary before we can meet again, never to be parted. I think it was Richard Bach.

      I'm so sorry for your friend. I think that we were given dogs to see what unconditional love really looks like, and that loss...at that moment...is so hard. We just lost one of ours, three days ago. She was very old, and it was her time, which made it not a whit easier to say goodbye.

      And yes, we will meet again, we will be young again, and we will laugh again.

      I'll be watching for you.

      And thank you so much for the prayers! Rough day - they do help. I do feel them.

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    2. If I haven't said it before...sorry to hear about your pet...and I agree - I think dogs (pets! We have a cat!!) were given to show us unconditional love!!

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    3. Oh, yes, cats as well! We have two. They like to scare the dogs by leaping out from hiding places.

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  14. This is no time for easy answers, trite phrases. It's a time to be still, to sit with, to stay by.

    Praying for you right about now, Andrew.

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    1. Linda, thank you so much for the prayers. This night of nights...I need them. It's bad.

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  15. Marie, in your kindness, compassion, and shining faith, I think you understand far more than you realize.

    Thank you for being here; I always look forward to your visits, and your comments.

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  16. Thank you for your continued transparency here, Andrew. I can't imagine the road that you are walking but so resonated with your words that no one really wants to die. I'm in good health but sometimes think about leaving my kids and grands (especially as I get older!) and you are so right. As much as I want to see Jesus, I really just want Him to come take us all home on the same day. Right? I don't really want to leave my family whenever the time comes, even though it means faith becoming sight. Your suggestions to listen and what to say/not to say are so helpful and I pray to remember them when I am with someone facing death. Praying that you feel relief and the presence of God in the family and friends who surround you.

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    1. Yeah, a same-day departure would be good!

      Thank you so much for your kind words, and for the continued prayers. I'm needing them,. and I feel them, all around me.

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