You Are Not Who I Married (Wedded Wednesday)

Sometimes the person we married changes...and the changes seem to be permanent.

Of course, some changes are easy to live with. My wife would be delighted if, on hitting my thumb with a hammer, my language would not blister paint.

But some changes make a person wonder why she's there, and is it worth staying?

What do you do?

First, don't rush to judgement. It may be that your spouse has nothing had an ugly transplant. Serious illness, from depression to cancer to stroke, can cause drastic changes in someone we thought we knew.

It may not be about character, or about you, or about the marriage. It may be a fight for survival.

One positive step you can take is to document the changes. Write down what you see; if there's an underlying illness, that witness can be invaluable to a doctor.

It's also a good idea to exercise self-care by reaching out to a counselor or minister. You can feel awfully alone through this morning sort of experience, and sharing the burden with someone who's been trained to help carry it can make a world of difference.

Also, pay attention to the parts of life that are 'yours'; make sure you have something significant, outside the marriage relationship, that gives you a sense of self-worth. This is not carte blanche to walk away; it's a form of triage. You can't help someone if you're hurting too.

Emphasize the things that haven't changed. Speak to those, when you can.

And pray. For you spouse, and for your own strength and patience.

You may never know what causes a change; you may simply have to adjust to a new normal, if you can.

We're linked to Wedded Wednesday at www.messymarriage.com.