Life is not always like a Hallmark Hall of Fame movie.
On the screen, people with dread illnesses face them with tears, and depression, and then faith, buttressed by the love and support of their families. The may live, or they may die, but the story and faith arcs go through the place where adversity builds character.
But sometimes, adversity just makes you mean. Mean enough to take the pain, mean enough not to spare yourself for the sake of living, and mean enough to survive.
No one makes movies about that.
There comes a point beyond which one can't...well, I can't respond to unremitting pain with grace and lovingkindness.
I can't thank God for some of these moments. I believe that God is just as angry and upset as I am, with what's happening.
I use very bad language, to help focus the aggression I sometimes need to simply rise to a standing position. And I believe that God has my back, using very bad good language.
I will survive, or I'll die trying, and no one had better get in my way with talk of "acceptance", or a suggestion that I might listen to Amy Grant saying how God like "a dying man giving up the fight better than a Halelluyah:."
Bring that stuff here, and you'll be wearing your iPad. Internally.
Maybe it's better to be accepting and pleasant. Maybe it's better to let go and "let God".
But I can't, and I won't. This is war,and it's what God made me for.
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Words fail me, Andrew. But I will say that the peek you give us into these painful and life-sucking days is stirring gratefulness of all things within me. I think it's because you are opening my eyes to what is just a botched surgery, car wreck, or terminal diagnosis away for any one of us. Though this is sobering, it's also profoundly moving. I'm still daily lifting you up to the Lord, my friend! And make sure that when you do go, your wife gives us the word here. It seems almost irreverent for me to write that, but I would hate to have your blog go silent without a proper good bye.
ReplyDeleteBeth, thank you. The prayers do help, and they are a big part of what keeps me going.
DeleteI'll definitely find a way to let everyone know when I go. It's not irreverent at all. It's life.
"But sometimes, adversity just makes you mean." Isn't that the truth. We can glorify struggles, but they can take us in many directions, and many of those not good ones. I won't give you advice because I haven't walked where you are. Pain is a powerful, powerful thing. I pray for you to just get through it still hanging on to Jesus. You are a warrior, that I know.
ReplyDeleteLisa, that's absolutely right. Sometimes the directions we have to walk are just things to be endured, as well as we can. In a fallen world, how can we expect otherwise?
DeleteJesus is with me. Sometimes He's kicking me up the backside to keep me going - but He's here.
So sorry. Life is not a hallmark movie... best quote ever and so true. Keep fighting. He's there even in the dark moments that don't feel like it. I know you have a chorus of sweet puppies cheering for you too.
ReplyDeleteOh, yes, He's here...even when it's about getting through ugly, but making sure I get through...He's here.
DeleteThe pups are a lifesaver. When I puke blood and pass out they somehow know how to keep me upright, and keep my airway clear. I'm in good paws.