How to Lose Your Faith

Tired of being a good and faithful servant?

All that hope getting you down?

Heaven seems like it'll be a bore?

Well, there's a way out! All you have to do is lose your faith, and you, too, can live a miserable, pointless existence - a random walk between two black pits.

The best way to get started in losing your faith is to cultivate friends who pretend to be Christian...but live like flaming pagans. They should be people you look up to, so being accepted by them will be important to you. Put yourself in their care, and they'll carefully start to corrode the solid foundations God (that busybody!) has made for you.

Then...ditch 'em. They are still pretending to be Christian, after all, so when you've used them up, spit them out. Find some acolytes of your own...and work to cultivate some true atheist friends.

Your new buds should be smart, funny, and attractive. Looking good in a Speedo is a plus. A big plus! You can bask in their glory, and when they slam religion, you can join in.

Read authors who are unbelievers. When reading a memoir, turn to the last page. If you see the word 'God', put it away!. The story's just a Christian commercial. Not worth your time.

Be cruel. Cruel is fun, as Donald Trump knows, and don't you want to be like him? Why be nice, especially to losers? They're future worm food anyway - yes, like you - but you can step higher when you step on their heads. They're losers. Who cares?

There you go. Try this, and watch hope fade away!

Watch kindness evaporate like ice in August!

And watch God pull every trick in the book to get you back.

Remember...He wrote the book.