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Tuesday, November 8, 2016

Your Dying Spouse 230 - Shame

W're linked with Messy Marriage's From Messes To Messages. Plee drop by for some great marriage resources.

This will be a personal story, and I will write it fast because I don't want to write it. It'll also be short because I'm not doing too well.

Bowel incontinence is a really unpleasant thing, as you may guess, and today was a decidedly bad day. There was no way to stay close enough to the bathroom to read things off at the pass, so to speak.

It's also humiliating. Yes, I know that it's a part of illness, and there's no shame in what you can'tcontrol, but for someone who prided himself on physical fitness, to be reduced to this is a source of something more than embarrassment. It's a source of shame.

And it caused me to be distant when Barbara came home from work. She was concerned that it was something she did or said, and I had to unbend enough to explain what had happened, and why the clothes dryer was still running.

She asked me please not to pull away and shut her out...and she's right.

It's a hard thing, to put aside that level of pride and self-regard.

Much to my surprise, I decided to participate in a '31 Days' blogging exercise; rather than interrupt the flow of this post, I have another blog established, "Starting The Day With Grace". The focus is a grace quote from someone you might not expect (like, say Ariel Sharon) and a short commentary.

And now that October's over...I'm going to keep it going.  I hope you'll join me.

Marley update...he's probably going to be moved to a sanctuary, and Bay County will revise their 'dangerous dog' codes.


He's up over 200,000 signatures, but PLEASE keep the pressure on. If you haven't signed, please do! Please click o his name in the paragraph below.

If you have a moment, I'd like to ask you to visit Change.org to consider a petition to free a 'death row dog' who has been separated from his family for ten months over a misunderstanding. Marley was saved from Afghanistan by a US serviceman; please help make sure this story doesn't end in needless tragedy! Marley's gotten a lot of support...but he still needs our help.

If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.

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  1. Thank you, Andrew for your brutal honesty always. It's refreshing, even though the specifics of your situation stir shame for you. I know that what you're dealing with could be a chapter in my life someday. I want to glean as much truth and inspiration from you as possible to deal with it when and if it comes. I'm so very glad that Barbara coaxes you out of your emotional hiding to talk about these issues. There's nothing any of us can do when our bodies fight against us. But we can band together with our spouses and friends when all that is within us goes awry. Hugs and prayers!

    1. Beth, I truly, truly hope this in NEVER a chapter in your life!

      But what service I can be, I'm honoured, and I don't resent the situation. I'm just grateful for my wife and my friends - human and canine.f

      Hugs and prayers back!

  2. You guys are in this together. You need to include her as much as you can. She promised to love you in sickness and in health! Please allow her to do so! Sending you hugs and prayers!!

    1. Paula, you're absolutely right. Including her when it feels shameful...it's a process. I have to work at it every day.

      Thank you so much for the hugs and the prayers!

  3. She's right.
    But we understand. It is always hard when we cannot control a personal situation.
    Bless you.

    1. Norma, yes...she's right. So are you.

      Thank you so much for being here!

  4. You are lucky to have a wife who loves you, and she's lucky to have you.

  5. Andrew,
    I cannot imagine what happened as a child to you that you would feel ashamed to have laundry in the dryer. It's like taking blame for having the stomach flu.
    You even did the laundry, in the midst of your pain.
    Oh dear Andrew, I ache for that broken part inside you that struggles so fiercely against the grace and mercy that are innately Jesus' view of you.
    I praise God that He paired you with Barbara so that she can be "Jesus with skin on" to you.
    You feel exposed and ashamed, she sees your soul-the Andrew that she loves. To love is to be vulnerable.

    And? I'm so glad she can tell you to come out. In some ways, you are the beauty and the beast story. You're a prince but afraid to let people in because you've been called a monster, but that's not who you are.

    Prayer to you today. Hoping I can take part tonight in the FMF.
    AND, I salute you for tomorrow. Happy Veteran's Day.
    You have given so much and I thank you, truly.


    P.S. What is the best dessert to serve with a hot dog? A "pup"sicle.

    1. Tammy, you see through me. Childhood was something I would prefer to forget - and, mercifully, I have forgotten most of it.

      To love is to be vulnerable. You're absolutely right. Thank you for this.

      And yes, I've been called a monster...and to certain people who meant ill to the innocent I was indeed that monster of their nightmares, roaming through the dark. I don't regret that.

      I sure pray that you'll be at FMF tonight, Tammy. You make it all GLOW!

      And thank you for the good wishes...and d'ya know, today's my birthday! Two hundred and forty-one years and still the class of the world! Barbara says I look young for my age. (Today is the 241st birthday of the US Marine Corps, and it is the only birthday I celebrate. Yes, I worked as a merc, but there is a UMSC connexion, long story, can't tell it.)

      Love back, and the riddle's a delight!