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Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Healing Harmony in your Marriage

This is the fourth installment of our series "Five Positive Logs to Light the Fire in your Marriage".

Today we'll be talking about healing, and the resolution of the emotional wounds that spouses can inflict on one another.

There's an old song called "You Only Hurt The One You Love"; well, not only, but the unique vulnerability that comes with being married makes those hurts deeper and harder to heal.

Sometimes the hurts are unintentional. The casual slights; getting involved in a telephone conversation while a carefully prepared dinner slowly cools and congeals.

And sometimes they're very intentional indeed, harsh words spoken in anger, aimed at the weak points that we are privileged to know, to do the most damage possible.

The way to handle both of these, when you';re on the receiving end, is the same.

Let it go.

It sounds like simplistic feel-good hogwash, right?

But consider this - first, you know your spouse. You know that he or she made a commitment to you, and has kept that commitment for quite a while.

Do you think something has suddenly changed? It's not likely.

So, the hurt, delivered accidently of intentionally, is an aberration. It's not part of the consistent norm of your marriage (if it is, you need to seek counseling...now).

Second, you can only control your own reaction. You can't control someone else's emotions. Your mate may have had a bad day, and is taking it out on you. It's unfortunate, but it happens.

You don't have jurisdiction there, but you do have jurisdiction over your soul. Exercise it. Being hurt is not a choice, but holding onto it is.

And finally, remember this...you've probably given as good as you've got, and many of the hurts you inflicted were swallowed silently, and perhaps sometimes in very good grace indeed.

We are all sinners. Against God, and against one another.

And what has God done with our sin?

He let it go.

This post is linked to Wedded Wednesday, a compendium of really cool posts on marriage (and I got to write today's!). If you click on the logo below, you'll be taken to www.messymarriage.com, which is the springboard to a wealth of information.


  1. Good post, Andrew!

    I think this is my favorite part:

    "So, the hurt, delivered accidently of intentionally, is an aberration. It's not part of the consistent norm of your marriage (if it is, you need to seek counseling...now)."

    You've packed a lot of truth into this one short paragraph. Yes, if we're blessed with a healthy marriage where mutual love, respect and trust are the norm' then we need to learn to look past the hurtful words of the moment...to see our spouse's heart...and respond to their heart rather than the hurtful words of the moment.

    However, for those in a marriage where relational abuse is the norm'...an all too common circumstance...then wise counsel and/or a swift exit is called for.

    Blessings to you, my friend!

    1. Thanks, Joe!

      Where abuse is present, safety has to be the first concern, and that goes for physical, mental, and emotional abuse.

      Spiritual abuse too. It does exist, unfortunately.

  2. Agreed! I do not have "jurisdiction" over my spouse's {or anyone's, for that matter} soul, Andrew! Such an important truth that can be incredibly healing in a relationship, or if ignored, incredibly destructive. Thanks for bringing it once again, my friend! Praying for you daily!

    1. Thanks for the prayers, Beth. I do need them now.

      It's not a matter of being 'captain of one's soul', of course..it's the security that the primary relationship, the one that will never fail us, is with the Almighty.

      With God on our side we can rise above so much that would otherwise ensnare our feel, and wound our hearts.

  3. The words my husband says to me when I am hurt are, "My heart toward you is good. My heart toward you has always been good." They always put me back in the right place.

    Thank you for a post that is overflowing with wisdom.

    1. Sharon, thank you for sharing your husband's approach. This shows his wisdom...and yours.

  4. So Amen, Andrew! We must let it go ... or it will never let us go. Eat us alive. Love this.

    1. Very true, Shelli, and I love this - "it will eat us alive".

  5. Yes. Why is it so hard? So simple and makes all the difference. Let it go... everyone will feel much better!