There's a show on Hillsong Channel called Cafe Theology, hosted by Pastor Terry Crist. It's a good show, and episodes are filmed in...wait for it...a cafe.
In the background, for atmosphere, there are baristas, and customers talking over their drinks...and it struck me recently...
Barb and I used to do that, and I can't recall what we talked about...and if somehow those days would return, I would not know what to say.
We do talk, of course...mainly Barb talks, and I listen. It is hard for me to communicate, yes (after losing my voice I had to learn a new way to speak), but that's an excuse.
The cancer fight is devouring me. It's not like a Hallmark movie, where people reminisce and encourage one another. The fight is largely silent, waged internally (and, yes, through this blog).
And it's very, very personal; I used to draw inspiration from books and movies, but no more. I can't watch more than a few minutes of a film without impatience, and while I still read, I actually re-read, old books that are old friends, books that helped shape my soul (roll on Narnia!)
If you're still with me, you may be asking, well, how does this relate to my life?
The only thing I can tell you is that I may not be an exception, and that someone you know, in similar straits, will follow a similar path, drifting away in heart and spirit.
It's not something you did or did not do; it's not a failing in being a good friend or spouse. It's just that living so closely with one's own mortality eventually demands that coping comes from within.
It may feel unfair, but it's not something you can fix...and you don't have to, because while the conversation may falter, the love remains.
The long talks over coffee
that I could not do without;
I can't remember for the life of me...
what did we talk about?
Did we speak of future dreams,
or times that we had known?
Philosophize some hair-brained schemes...
but it seems the flower's blown,
and now I am the iron man
to my very core,
focused on survival's plan
and have become a bore,
using all my thought and breath
in harsh denial of my death.
Music from Sister Hazel, with All For You. (If your device doesn't load the video, please click here.)
I've been reading the Narnia books to my kids this past year and it has been such a pleasant revisiting for me. My adult mind gets something totally different out of them. I'm glad they are bringing you comfort as well.
ReplyDeleteBethany, I would be lost without narnia; it's become a touchstone of grace. I was too old to read them until I was twenty-four; I have become younger over the years, and now they form the guardian-border of my heart.
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ReplyDeleteI haven't seen Cafe Theology, thanks for introducing me to it :) I'll make sure to check it out!
ReplyDeletePeter, Cafe Theology is well worth a look. Hillsong Channel offers quality content; gives comfort, and makes you think.
DeleteI'm so glad that you are still sharing your writings. It is wonderful to hear your voice on the paper or as on the computer. Deirdre FMF#3
ReplyDeleteDeirdre, thank you! I'm struggling...had another 'died and went to Heaven' thing on Monday, May 3...but concurrent with that, I was given the reason for my continued stay.
DeleteIt's duty, but it's cool.
There is a cafe around for all of us somewhere! I went to one yesterday with a friend and we enjoyed our cup of coffee and tea respectively. I pray that you have your own little cafe there at home with your wife. Are you able to drink a cup? I pray that you can at least sip a bit.
ReplyDeletePlease be in prayer for our dear friends J and J...names protected because of you know privacy and the WWW. They are in the same position of you but the wife is the one battling fiercely and sadly losing. We are slated to go for a visit soon. Pray that we are able to see them. Thanks!
Jennifer, FMF
Jenn, I wish I could deal with coffee, or even tea...but it's just too much now. Water works!
DeleteWe will pray for your friends. We know what it is to fight, and to lose a bit more each day (like, hey, last night!).
I'm so grateful for your friendship, across these many miles.
I haven't seen Cafe Theology. I love the concept. Blessings.
ReplyDeleteVisiting from FMF#5
Paula, definitely take a look at Cafe Theology. it will be well worth the effort!
DeleteThanks for sharing your thoughts (and pain) with us Andrew. x
ReplyDeleteFiona, thank YOU, for being here.
DeleteAndrew, your transparency truly is a blessing to us all and will live on forever. Your voice may have become more silent, but your life has spoken volumes, and with much volume. Praying for you and Barb this morning.
ReplyDeleteJoanne, the strength is running out. I wish it were not so,
DeleteThere are still things to say, that I hope will bring both hope and confidence in Christ.
We thank you so much for your prayers!
What Joanne said. xo
ReplyDeleteSusan, thank you. There was another trip to Heaven, I died, May 3. More to come.
DeleteI re-read old friends (including Narnia) every couple of years. They bring comfort.
ReplyDeleteAnita, the old reading friends do indeed bring such comfort!
DeleteAs does your blog. I am so grateful for your words, thoughts, and soul.
Praying for you and Barb. So glad you are able to find at least a little solace in spending time with Aslan. I love revisiting those adventures too.
ReplyDeleteDuane, thank you...Narnia is truly my greatest comfort now, and it is such a gift!
DeleteLove absolutely remains! Always praying for you and Barb!
ReplyDeleteTara, thank you so much for your prayers. You are in our hearts, ever single day.
Delete"Coping comes from within." Very wise words, Andrew. And it need not be cancer that brings us to that harsh reality. A drifting away yet love remaining. Wow, how misunderstood one can become when another drifts away and cannot express. May the fact That you have these words and the courage to share them help those who do not understand. Thank you. We don't know what to do with silence. Prayers continue.
ReplyDeleteMary, thank you so much for this, the understanding that the 'drift' can still hold love.
DeleteI am so grateful.
(((((Andrew)))))
ReplyDeleteLike so many others, I check every day for your words, even though I know that Thursday is the usual day.
I seem to remember Kara Tippetts went through a somewhat similar withdrawal as her world became more tightly focused on The Crossing. I don't remember if she posted it herself or if Jason did. It's part of the journey.
And I love that part in Harry Potter when Harry has decided he will die, and is walking to his death, and more and more people from his past (family he didn't even know) begin walking with him, and they become more real to him than those in his life that he will be leaving behind.
Annie in Texas
Annie, thank you for this; I only learned of Kars's blog after she died, and I wish it had been otherwise...but it's perhaps for the best.
DeleteThe crossing is hard. I have seen the other side, on March 14 2021 and again on May 3 2021...but neither obviates the hard passage.
Praying that even quiet companionship over a cup of coffee brings you and Barb comfort and peace.
ReplyDeleteKym, thank you so much...I can no longer do coffee, but fresh water doth suffice.
DeleteAnd if you want the bestest greatest most fantabulsest coffee...go for Jamaican Blue Mountain, and accept NO substitutes.
There are seasons when stillness and quiet speak volumes. Words fail ... or are simply unnecessary.
ReplyDeleteAnd that is good.
Linda, so true. I am out of words, now, and having a hard time contributing to my tribe's daily round...silence may be all, but I am still here.
DeleteAndrew, again, you share such good thoughts. As I think about the times I've shared a latté with Hubs or with friends, it's not so much what we talk about that stays with me, it's knowing that we connected, that the other person heard me and I heard them. As Linda said, sometimes words are unnecessary.
ReplyDeleteI continue to pray for you and Barb during these hard, painful days.
Jeanne, you've said it perfectly, having that 'knowledge of connexion'. And yes, sometimes words are quite superfluous!
DeleteWe thank you so much for your prayers. Things are a bit crook this morning, for me.