There's a show on Hillsong Channel called Cafe Theology, hosted by Pastor Terry Crist. It's a good show, and episodes are filmed in...wait for it...a cafe.
In the background, for atmosphere, there are baristas, and customers talking over their drinks...and it struck me recently...
Barb and I used to do that, and I can't recall what we talked about...and if somehow those days would return, I would not know what to say.
We do talk, of course...mainly Barb talks, and I listen. It is hard for me to communicate, yes (after losing my voice I had to learn a new way to speak), but that's an excuse.
The cancer fight is devouring me. It's not like a Hallmark movie, where people reminisce and encourage one another. The fight is largely silent, waged internally (and, yes, through this blog).
And it's very, very personal; I used to draw inspiration from books and movies, but no more. I can't watch more than a few minutes of a film without impatience, and while I still read, I actually re-read, old books that are old friends, books that helped shape my soul (roll on Narnia!)
If you're still with me, you may be asking, well, how does this relate to my life?
The only thing I can tell you is that I may not be an exception, and that someone you know, in similar straits, will follow a similar path, drifting away in heart and spirit.
It's not something you did or did not do; it's not a failing in being a good friend or spouse. It's just that living so closely with one's own mortality eventually demands that coping comes from within.
It may feel unfair, but it's not something you can fix...and you don't have to, because while the conversation may falter, the love remains.
The long talks over coffee
that I could not do without;
I can't remember for the life of me...
what did we talk about?
Did we speak of future dreams,
or times that we had known?
Philosophize some hair-brained schemes...
but it seems the flower's blown,
and now I am the iron man
to my very core,
focused on survival's plan
and have become a bore,
using all my thought and breath
in harsh denial of my death.
Music from Sister Hazel, with All For You. (If your device doesn't load the video, please click here.)