I use humour to get through life. A lot.
OK, singing I Feel Pretty when a couple of Barb's church friends dropped by, maybe over the top. But it sure helps with cancer, especially the way things are going. (How are things going? Like the guy who falls off a ten story building, and as he passes each story is heard saying So far, so good!)
"Chewy, I've got a baaad feeling about this..." (One of Barb's many nicknames is Chewbacca, for the way she looks first thing in the morning...and I'm a dead man now.)
"Could be worse...at least I'm not slow, soft, and ugly."
"Sure, I'm scared. The thought of having skinny arms and flabby triceps shakes me to the bone." (I don't have them.)
And so on.
It works for me, and that's precisely the problem. It pushes Barb away; she can't mourn as she needs to mourn, and love as she wants and needs to love.
When she told me this, not long ago, I was stunned. I had been thinking, Hey, positive attitude, keep 'em laughing and life's brighter...
But the thing is, brighter for me devalues the pain - and love - of someone else.
Can I change? Fundamentally, probably no, because I really don't feel the pathos of the situation (translation - I'm a shallow idiot). I'm OK with what's going on, and do my best to just enjoy the life I have, and not think about the future that won't be. And the laughs are genuine; a pretend-gravitas is going to be even more disrespectful to Barb that my more-than-occasional bubble-headed cheer.
But what I can do is watch what I say, and what I think, and gauge it against what Barb really needs to hear.
And right now, she doesn't need a constant stream of jokes.
She needs to be taken seriously, and I'll do my best.
But for you out there reading this...please, be mindful. I hurt someone I dearly love, and that can't be completely healed, not now. Don't go down this road. It can get lonely in the end.
I understand the need to crack a joke and keep things light. Thanks for the reminder that we need to allow ourselves and others to sit with our big feelings (there's no need to turn everything into a comedy show).
ReplyDeleteAnita, yeah, balance is the key...and it's one thing at which I'm a dead loss. Gotta try, though.
DeleteI am so glad that love goes out without expectations. Deirdre FMF#3
ReplyDeleteDeirdre, love without expectations is such a gift!
Deleteso... in your brokenness...you are learning to listen. I think in essence that's what you are saying. It's good.
ReplyDeleteAnnette, exactly. I'm learning to listen; a bit too late, but better late than never.
DeleteDeep thoughts there Andrew, about how our coping mechanisms affect our loved ones.
ReplyDeleteFiona, it's something I just did not recognize, that my way of coping was really hurtful. I'm glad I know now.
DeleteAndrew, there is another in the fire with us. Jesus. I paused and reflected on what you shared. After praying and being quiet so I could listen to God, I was able to understand what you are saying. I can understand Barbs need too. Your words are always thought provoking and moving. Continued prayers for you and Barb. Blessings.
ReplyDeleteVisiting from FMF#6
Paula, thank you so much for this gracious and considered comment...it helps.
DeleteI read your post to my husband just now ... his eyes welled up.
ReplyDeleteThank you for speaking truth.
Linda, thank you...and truth has to be on the table now. There's no more hiding.
DeleteMake amends and make them quick.
ReplyDeleteSusan, I'll try to make amends, or at least give them a beginning, and place the rest in God's hands.
DeleteMarriage is so well defined in O'Henry's "The Gift of the Magi." My husband and I went through the same dance when he was going through cancer; he coped with humor and I felt bereft and sometimes alone in my grief. It is not easy to strike a balance. May the Lord be with you and Barb fully and completely. FMF#17
ReplyDeleteSue, thank you for sharing this...and I will have to re-read "The Gift Of The Magi".
DeleteIt's so easy, going through the cancer thing, to leave one's spouse alone in one's own attempt to cope!
Andrew, this touched my heart so deeply, but not until after it tickled my funny bone and I stopped laughing. I am right with you. I think laughter is a shield, not always a good one. Oh the stories I could tell about laughing in the wrong situation! I did wrote a statement once. I forgot how I said it, but something to the effect, "laughter cleanses the palate. Sometimes life is just too heavy and you can't cry continually. You end up flooding every space. I still have an issue with it, but am learning, slowly. Paul said rejoice with those who rejoice and weep with those who weep. One place I do not laugh is when I'm on my knees every morning. I am quite broken and serious. It is a holy place, on my knees. I will and do bring you and Barbara there quite often. May she feel the comfort of God at this time and may you feel the gentle hand of God over your mouth. Love you both!!! I am still sharing your heaven story with people. Everyone is amazed and encouraged by your words. Go viral!!!
ReplyDeleteMary, "laughter cleanses the palate" is spot on, both literally and figuratively. It may not be the best in all circumstances, but you have to use the tools available.
DeleteWe thank you so much for your prayers, and for your love.
I suppose each of us must do what we need to to keep sane and positive, but also be mindful of our partners having a different style of coping with difficult times. Stay strong, Andrew. I'm sure Barb does understand.
ReplyDeleteCorinne, i sure hope Barb does understand the need for humour in these most trying of times.
DeleteNot an easy balance!
But the thing is, brighter for me devalues the pain - and love - of someone else. A very heart-touching line...
ReplyDeleteThat was such a hard learning, that 'brighter for me devalues the pain - and love - of someone else."
DeleteI can see both sides. Humor does offer something light in tough situations. But I can see the other side too, that need to know your feelings are being taken seriously. Marriage is all about finding that balance and meeting your spouse where they are. (FMF #21)
ReplyDeleteYvonne, well said...marriage is about meeting your spouse where they are.
DeleteThat's what I really didn't do, and I guess that's the warning in this post, not just in terminal illness, but in all of life.
I love that Petula Clark song. Its great! I'm glad you can use humor to help you get through your days. May God bring comfort and peace to you and Barb. Blessings and love!
ReplyDeleteGayl, I'm so glad you like the song!
DeleteThank you so much for your kind words...blessings and love back, from both of us!
Good points here. Sending both of you love and support.
ReplyDeletePaula, thank you so much. Love back!
DeleteSuch an important concept to grasp—as someone who has been on the receiving end of people trying to "lighten the mood," I can confirm the sense of exasperation and being disrespected. Excellent reminder. Thank you!
ReplyDeleteAmanda, it is important to understand, and I'm glad I caught myself in time. I wasn't 'lightening' anything except my own burden...at Barb's expense.
DeleteI've always loved and appreciated your humor, Andrew, but I can totally see Barb's point--given your situation. I sometimes use humor when my husband is angry to lighten his mood but it only makes him angrier. You'd think I'd learn not to do that after all of these years, but I'm a slow learner sometimes! I'll be praying that you can stay present and vulnerable in the moment with Barb. I'm sure she just wants to connect with who you are and the jokes might cloud her view.
ReplyDeleteBeth, I can appreciate being a slow learner in this respect! The signs were there...I mean, when someone says, "That's not funny!" they may RAELLY mean it.
DeleteThank you so much for your prayers...I am trying to do better.
Andrew, I so appreciate this post. And, I've actually been praying about this very topic for you and Barb. God is good to enable us to love others well and in the ways they need to be loved and give love in return. It often requires some "brave" to love in the ways you're describing. Put on your brave, my friend. God will honor your efforts to love Barb well. I continue to pray for both of you.
ReplyDeleteJeanne, thank you so much for your prayers...they've been needed. And you're so right, to love someone in the way they want and need to be loved does require courage, because, well,. it can be scary to put aside the masque.
DeleteI can understand this. My husband uses humor a lot, and though it's helped me lighten up a bit through the years (I tend to be rather tense), at times I felt like I wasn't being taken seriously. Our cancer experience was very brief (he had kidney cancer and the offending kidney removed. Chemo and radiation don't work well on kidney cancer, we were told, so he didn't have to endure that. That kind also doesn't usually spread--though it can. And if it does, chemo and radiation won't work, no matter where it travels. So we're hoping and praying it won't come back). But if we'd dealt with long-term grief, like you and Barb have, I think I would need to be able to share that with him rather than grieving alone. As so many others have said--so much comes back to balance. It speaks well of you that you want to try to communicate in ways that serve her best.
ReplyDeleteBarbara, please forgive my late reply...and first and foremost, we join you in prayer that your husband's cancer does not return.
DeleteWhat you said about 'grieving alone' nailed it. Using humour to deflect does put the other spouse into that position...and while it may be effective for the one, it's devastating for the other.
Loving each other well in times like you and Barb are going through is never easy. Praying for you both, my friend.
ReplyDeleteDonna, you're so right...it's never easy, and at times it seems impossibly hard!
DeleteWe thank you so much for your prayers.