First, I need to apologise to those whose blogs I have not visited in the last week or two. I've been doing my best, but am just too ill. I'm sorry.
The cancer's in my bones now, and last night was spent, well, screaming. Seems that during the day the body produces cortisol to numb the pain, but at night, you get the full show.
And it was horrible. A fold of blanket under my left femur, and it felt like the thing was going to break.
And the fear. What will itbe like tomorrow?
The Bible says fear not three hundred and sixty-five times. One for each day of the year.
And I'm still frightened out of my socks. What will happen tomorrow? Makes me feel like a second-rate Christian. Be not afraid? Sorry, nope, can't do that.
Turns out, I'm not alone. Jesus was scared too, and He had to be, otherwise the whole death-and-resurrection thing woul have been an act.
Sometimes I feel abandoned by God. So did He.
And at the ninth hour, Jesus cried out with a loud voice, "Eloi Eloi lama sabachthani?" which means, "My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?" Mark 15:34
Sometimes I just have to trust. So did He.
"And when Jesus had cried out with a loud voice, he said, Father, into thy hands I commend my spirit": Luke 23:46
They say that faith will banish fear,
that trust will win the day,
but in these days grown harsh and sere
it doesn’t work that way.
The pain is now within my bones,
and terror rules the night
in which the quailing heart atones
for all ‘twas not done right,
and Christ is in the midst of this,
He sits and notes my dread,
not saying that I should dismiss
my fright, but shares it all, instead,
saying, “Dude, this is not new to Me;
I felt it at Gethsemane.”
Music from Tangerine Dream, with the theme from the movie Sorcerer, which was based on the earlier film The Wages of Fear, about a group of men hire to drive nitroglycerin-laden trucks across a South American mountain range. The video's tense, and stunning, and features the great (and, sadly, late) actor Roy Scheider (yep, he from Jaws). (Please click here if the video doesn't load on your evice.)
You are NOT a second-rate Christian. Our Lord is compassionate. God understands all of our fears and struggles. God is with you. God loves you.ReplyDelete
Marie, thank you so much for this reassurance. From you, my friend...it means the world.Delete
Andrew, all I know that is MY BONES, I know that I know that I know, your pain is not in vain. Peace in the storm, I pray you find its eye, and HIS eye upon every part of you.ReplyDelete
Jane, I will hang onto these words...'your pain is not in vain'.Delete
Thank you for handing me this life preserver!
God doesn't rate us...He redeems us & our pain.ReplyDelete
Praying you experience the Sustaining Holy Spirit each day & night.
Jenny, I love the way you said it, that God doesn't rate us.Delete
Thank you so much for your prayers...He is here. Sometimes elusive, but here.
Wow, Andrew, that video is so intense. It made your feelings tangible--to me, at least--in a very gripping way. For what it's worth, as I prayed for you, the words from the song "You'll Never Walk Alone" came to mind--"When you walk through a storm hold your head up high and don't be afraid of the dark. At the end of a storm there's a golden sky and the sweet silver song of a lark. Walk on through the wind, walk on through the rain, though your dreams be tossed and blown. Walk on, walk on, with hope in your heart and you'll never walk alone.ReplyDelete
Love you, Andrew.
Oh, Grams, "You'll Never Walk ALone", especially sung by Elvis, never fails to bring tears to my eyes.Delete
The 'Sorcerer' video resonates with me, as you guessed, because it's very much a metaphor of what life is like here, now. A few minutes ago I stood from a chair, and the pain in my left leg, the femur...I thought it was going to snap. Scary. An I have to go on; rest only makes things worse.
Andrew, you are faithfully holding onto Him and the Lord sees. May He bring some relief today. Praying for you today.ReplyDelete
Joanne, thank you so much for this, and for your prayers (and please excuse my very tardy reply).Delete
Thank you for always honestly sharing your faith and cancer story. You are incredible. You've been on FMF for years! Well done warrior writer! I hope the pain lessens or at least you continue to draw comfort from the pain Christ faced. No need to visit my blog! Rest!ReplyDelete
Jennifer, actually, visiting your blog is one of the highlights of my week!Delete
Thank you so much for this affirmation...I'm so grateful.
I didn't write a FMF post, but I am just stopping by to send love and gratitude for your insights, courage, stories, and inspirations. You are always in our prayers, Andrew, and today especially that you find both strength and comfort.ReplyDelete
Karen, you made my ay with these loving, in words, and with your prayers. Thank you for this.Delete
You don't know have many times I have felt the same. God is just like you, His heart can be broken, He can be wounded, He allows so many in his presence but allows fewer in HIs heart. God's heart will cost you your time and effort. Many of us can truly identify with Jesus and our hearts are linked to Him.ReplyDelete
Oops click, I failed to click my reply buttonDelete
You're so right...and isn't it both strange and wonderful to have a God who hurts like us?Delete
Andrew, first of all allow me to correct you. THERE are NOT 365 scriptures with FEAR NOT - that is a misnomer (sort of). There are, however, 365 reasons not to fear in The Word. Promise you, I know this to be true - I just wrote a 365 journal stating the verses. xoxoReplyDelete
Susan, well-said...I had heard the '365 Fear Nots' thing so often I just accepted it. But definitely, 365 reasons not to fear!Delete
Thank you for sharing so honestly. I am praying for you today as you walk this dark valley with Jesus. I pray for moment-by-moment strength and the sweetness of His presence as you have not yet known it. My you fall ever deeper into His love.ReplyDelete
Julie, thank you for this, for your kind afirmation, and for your prayers.Delete
I'm praying God eases your pain. I know it's not the kind of pain, but I had a night this week where I literally thought I was going to die. It woke me from my sleep and I literally cried. Ice pack. No relief. Ibuprofen. No relief. Aceteminophen. No relief. I can only imagine what you are experiencing because my pain was limited to my thumb. I had jammed it really bad that evening, causing blood to pool under the nail. The slightest movement was unbearable.ReplyDelete
I don't know how you live with that kind of pain all over your body, but I do know that God is with you even when it hurts.
Amie, FMF #23
Amie, I do unerstan the pain from a jammed thumb! Years ago I stubbed my toe (I thought) and found later that I'd broken a blood vessel in the arch of my foot. The pain was not to be believed, as the blood that flowed had no-where to go.Delete
And yes, God is here when it hurts. Today is the worst so far, but I'm OK.
Andrew, there is nothing I can say to make what you're going through any better or easier. I pray that Jesus gives you peace and comfort because you are right in that you do not have to face it alone.ReplyDelete
Duane, Christ is here...and I think it's harder for Him to see, than for me to experience.Delete
Firstly I'm sorry to hear about your pain. Secondly wow wow wow! Your words are incredible. You are no way a second rate Christian. You are amazing and inspirational. God bless Loretta fmf #16ReplyDelete
Loretta, all I can say is thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for these lovely words.Delete
i so wish you pain wasn't so difficult to bear, that it could be lifted from you. I pray that you can hold on to your trust. Hold it close Andrew. :) visiting from FMF37ReplyDelete
Annette, thank you so much for your good an loving thoughts...and please forgive that I have not gotten to your post the past couple of weeks. I'm hurting.Delete
Sending love & prayers. XReplyDelete
Fiona, love and prayers mean so much. Thank you. XXDelete
I'm doing some serious praying for you.ReplyDelete
My dear, dear Norma, I sure by-God do need prayer. Metastases in both legs now.Delete
I cannot imagine your pain, but I do know you are not alone. Andrew, I am praying for your comfort, both physically and spiritually. I am so sorry you are dealing with this kind of pain, but I am also so glad for your willingness to share it with us so we can pray with and for you. - Deanna @ Wisdom from a Father ;)ReplyDelete
Deanna, thank you so much...I don't feel alone, for the Father's love is reaching me through so many voices...such as yours.Delete
Dear Andrew, please do not apologize. You have been a faithful witness during your incredibly difficult journey. As I read your honest and gut-wrenching words, I hurt for you, yet at the same time, am encouraged in my walk of faith.ReplyDelete
May the Lord ease your pain and hold you ever close until he ushers you into Glory.
Julie, all I can rally say is thank you for these grace-filled words, and most especially for your prayers.Delete
I'm sorry you're experiencing such awful pain. Praying for relief for you and that you know God with you. You are definitely not a second rate Christian - I think you've been a great example of faithfulness and holding onto God in the midst of such a hard situation.ReplyDelete
Lesley, thank you so much for this encouragement...truly.Delete
Ahhh, Andrew. Your words speak so eloquently of the reality of fear and faith. Thank you for sharing your heart so honestly. There are times we fear, and the Bible tells us that Jesus experienced every human emotion (paraphrase according to Jeanne). He is no stranger to fear because, as you shared, He's known fear too. He also knows how to help us through it, since He's already been there. I'm praying for you and Barb, my friend. May you know Jesus' presence in those fear-inducing times.ReplyDelete
Jeanne, I am so in awe of your wisdom here, and you eloquence. Thank you for this; you have strengthened my spine today.Delete
And thank you so much for your prayers.
Rest well this evening. Your fingerprints are all over the internet, encouraging people along the journey. You're leaving your legacy, man ...ReplyDelete
Linda, thank you...God, I hope that I can reach people. It's all I have left.Delete