First, I need to apologise to those whose blogs I have not visited in the last week or two. I've been doing my best, but am just too ill. I'm sorry.
The cancer's in my bones now, and last night was spent, well, screaming. Seems that during the day the body produces cortisol to numb the pain, but at night, you get the full show.
And it was horrible. A fold of blanket under my left femur, and it felt like the thing was going to break.
And the fear. What will itbe like tomorrow?
The Bible says fear not three hundred and sixty-five times. One for each day of the year.
And I'm still frightened out of my socks. What will happen tomorrow? Makes me feel like a second-rate Christian. Be not afraid? Sorry, nope, can't do that.
Turns out, I'm not alone. Jesus was scared too, and He had to be, otherwise the whole death-and-resurrection thing woul have been an act.
Sometimes I feel abandoned by God. So did He.
And at the ninth hour, Jesus cried out with a loud voice, "Eloi Eloi lama sabachthani?" which means, "My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?" Mark 15:34
Sometimes I just have to trust. So did He.
"And when Jesus had cried out with a loud voice, he said, Father, into thy hands I commend my spirit": Luke 23:46
They say that faith will banish fear,
that trust will win the day,
but in these days grown harsh and sere
it doesn’t work that way.
The pain is now within my bones,
and terror rules the night
in which the quailing heart atones
for all ‘twas not done right,
and Christ is in the midst of this,
He sits and notes my dread,
not saying that I should dismiss
my fright, but shares it all, instead,
saying, “Dude, this is not new to Me;
I felt it at Gethsemane.”
Music from Tangerine Dream, with the theme from the movie Sorcerer, which was based on the earlier film The Wages of Fear, about a group of men hire to drive nitroglycerin-laden trucks across a South American mountain range. The video's tense, and stunning, and features the great (and, sadly, late) actor Roy Scheider (yep, he from Jaws). (Please click here if the video doesn't load on your evice.)