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Wednesday, May 27, 2020

Your Dying Spouse 758 - In Dreams

An interesting stage along the cancer-journey; not pleasant, but worth relating.

If you know someone who's terminal, do ask how their nights are. They may really need to talk.

I can only 'sleep' in one position, on my left side, and nights go on forever, watching a window stay dark until I can bear it no longer, when the faintest grey seeps in.

And then the dreams, which are more waking hallucinations; I'm aware of my surroundings, but am also a helpless and hapless audience to things that are sometimes rational, sometimes bizarre, and never comfortable.

I';d talk abut these to Barb, but not being able to speak makes that har. You can't sign them, and once you write them down, the immediacy is gone.

So, a sonnet, to describe the ambience as best I can.

The mad alchemist's formulary,
great Goliath's head;
now springs to life the bestiary,
a summons of the dead.
Wings of feathers and of wax,
too high to touch the sun,
notice-boards devoid of tacks,
announcements held by gum
that tell of meetings from last year
that I have somehow missed,
and there grows a mortal fear
that I cannot resist
the siren-call of fever-dream,
not even knowing what they mean.

Music, of course, from Heart, with These Dreams.

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Thanks to Carol Ashby, Blessed Are The Pure Of Heart is back on Kindle, and will be available in paperback soon.

Friends are everything. I couldn't have done it.

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  1. Wow, Andrew, I'm so sorry. I didn't know you can't speak. That plus the not being able to sleep must be awful beyond anything I can even imagine. Cancer sucks big time. For what it's worth, I am up most of the night working on a very mindless project, and from now on, you will be in my prayers while I work. Wish I had a magic wand, and could wave it over you and command the cancer to be gone. One day it will be, but I wish you didn't have to suffer so much. I'm sure you wish that too. (((Big hugs))) Please let me know if you have specific prayer requests, because I'm seriously going to be praying for you as I work.

    1. Great-Granny-Grandma, thank you for this, and for your prayers.

      I do find value in life, and in each day; I have to be intentional about it, sure, and some aspects of the journey are pretty rough, but I still consider myself extravagantly blessed, and, like Lou Gehrig, the luckiest man alive.

      I never had a grandma, or parents. I think I'll adopt you as my own. In our short acquaintance, you have added so much joy to my life!

    2. I would be honored to be your adoptive grandma, Andrew. You do me proud, "grandson," you do me proud. (((Hugs))

    3. Hugs back, Gram! And thank you! You made a hard day brighter, very much so.

  2. Wishing you less pain and more sleep.

    1. Leon, thank you, Your words mean more than you may know, and more than I can say.