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Thursday, September 20, 2018

Your Dying Spouse 518 - My Position Is Privilege {FMF}

It can be so hard to convince people of this...but terminal illness is a privilege.

Not a fell honour, nor a severe mercy, but really, a bright, burnished gift of gold and rubies, sparkling in the sun.

OK, Andrew's had way too much fun with the medicinal marijuana, yeah...

Sorry. I don't use the stuff. Nor opioids.

The thing is, you see a lot further when you sit on a giant's shoulders...and because my legs gave way long since, I'm riding on God's shoulders.

I can see vistas of which I never dreamt. Views into a reality that I never thought dying could contain.

Like the preciousness of experience.

Pain hurts, and as I write this, it hurts like, pardon me, a son-of-a-bitch. Under the arms, in the chest, in the belly, and in the groin (lymph nodes)...and oh, yeah, in the neck, and a fever of 103...again, for I've had the bloody fever for a couple of weeks...Barbara rightly says that no one would want this.

So true.

In the chiaroscuro of life, though, against the flaming darkness of pain, there is the joy.

Yesterday, a black labrador puppy turned up on our doorstep at one o'clock in the morning (as Barbara was ensuring that I did not throw up upon the sofa). And his presence brought light; all of the other dogs fell in love with him, and as I wept in pain, he crawled into my arms and said, "Hug me, and I will make it all better!"

Which worked, by the way. His worried parents did come for him, but he will be back for doggie play-dates.

And in the endless Sisyphean task of building an aeroplane from raw materials - steel and wood and cotton fabric...I was able to lay out a part, one that I will have to husband the strength to be able to cut and form.

And the goal-posts are so far away to actually finish and fly the thing. (I mean, I'd need a miraculous healing to fly it, yeah?)

But doing something meant something.

In years past, I would have scoffed at my feeble effort. But now, any step is a step.

And every step means Hope.

I've been privileged to see the real truth of these...

Faith...knowing that what I am enduring means something and can be poured out, if I'll let God do the pouring. It's not about me. It's about you, you who are reading this. It may sound kinda presumptuous, but I'm living for you. I'm writing to tell you that faith is never futile.

Hope...hope really isn't the belief that one will somehow win through...I mean, there are winners and losers. And while it is hope in the Eternal, that's not what I'm talking about. The Hope that God has given to my vision is that while I may lose, while I may not achieve my goals, the words I leave will inspire others...you...to keep going. Even if you fail, you don't fail in a vacuum, and the hope you carry is the seed for another's best efforts.

Love...the only things I ever did that were worthwhile, I did for love. Not romantic love, and not the altruistic love that sends food to Mogadishu (though that's important!). It's the love that binds us all together in God's Heart, the love that says, I'll protect you, and if need be, I'll die so that you can see another sunrise. It's the love that says, you...dear reader, dear stranger...dear lost and scared Labrador puppy...you're worth everything I have.

Because you are God's, and everything I have belongs to God.

Music from The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus (yes, really), with Remember Me.

Everybody gets their hearts broken;
get off your knees and try again.


Please pardon my slow response to comments. I do my best, and your comments are really precious to me. Barb is answering many of them now. I'm running on fumes, if you don't mind a macho metaphor.

I'm grateful for the energy to have written this. I'm so glad Barbara's stepped in for many of my posts. I'm really not doing well at all.

Thanks to Carol Ashby, Blessed Are The Pure Of Heart is back on Kindle, and will be available in paperback soon.

Friends are everything. I couldn't have done it.

Marley, the canine waif from Afghanistan, whom WE helped save, has a Facebook page! Please drop by to see how happy he is today.


If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.

Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.








47 comments:

  1. Replies
    1. Thank you so much, Nomad! And thank you for being here.

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    2. Dearest brother, Andrew, I have surely been affected by your willingness to right truth and things of what others can barely fathom. I am sure there are libraries in heaven, and your books and writings, must be in a section loved of God.

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    3. needed to hear this, and to hold you again in prayer. Blessings.

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    4. Betsy, thank you so much...I'm so honoured.

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    5. Claire, I am so glad you found something worth keeping, here, and I'm so grateful for the prayers.

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  2. Andrew, you just keep outdoing yourself, the way you keep seeing hope and sharing it with your readers. Thank you for being a fighter and not giving up. Thank you for showing us the way. Blessings and love and hugs to you and Barb and the dogs!

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    1. Gayl, I'm so grateful for this...you've brought joy and warmth to my heart and home, with your words.

      Love and blessings and hugs back from us all!

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  3. Aww, your fur babies are so fortunate to have your arms to love on them, and we are fortunate to have your words of encouragement!

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    1. Anita, thank you for this...it's not I who rest in their arms. Every night, I have my two Chief Service Dogs, Sylvia and Ladron, holding me close, so they can do CPR if needed.

      And it's BEEN needed, and they are why I am still here. (Canine CPR is a rib-breaking exercise, yeah. But it's good to still be here.)

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  4. Andrew... I cannot tell you what a privilege (and pure gift from our Father) it has been to meet you. I am weeping as I write this because these words are straight from his heart to mine. I needed them tonight more than you'll ever know - their truth sinking deep to the darkness that needed light. It will be an honor to hang with you in heaven one day and spend some time sharing in person, what we share in spirit... In all such pure selfishness: thank you for hanging on for us. It has made a difference. HE has made a difference through you... and I am so, so grateful. Rest well, friend. Rest well.

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    1. Jane, you honour me - and lift my heart, with your words -more than I can say. It's been a privilege, and your words help cement my thought that I would not have missed this for the world.

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  5. Brother, you got the Spirit! Really, that preached well. I appreciate your words, they have a deeper inspired wisdom and a broader expanse of insight. Your body may be taking a pounding, but the Potter is shaping the clay into something really spectacular. To God be the Glory. Amen.

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    1. My dear Norma, I LOVE the way you put this! Truly the clay must take what it sees to be a pounding...

      But it's worth it. I would not trade this road. Not for my old health, not for anything.

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  6. Funny how a puppy can help with pain. God moment that was. :)

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    1. Annette, yes indeed...a God moment if ever there was one.

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  7. Andrew, every post keeps getting better and better. Every post more powerfully worded. I am so grateful our paths crossed. You are a blessing and inspire us all to keep on running our races, to never give up, and to keep on holding out the Light of Jesus. Praying for you.
    And what a gift was sent in that little puppy. God knew just what you needed!

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    1. Joanne, I'm so grateful for your kind an gracious words, and for your friendship. And especially for your prayers.

      God did know just what was needed! The puppy's a blessing.

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    1. Thank you so much, Paula! <3 back at you, from all of us.

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  9. Damn Sam, this was good. And I think I know how the angels are going to take you to glory. You will be in the cockpit of the plane you built and brother YOU ARE GOING TO SOAR. xo

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    1. Susan, thank you so much! And I LOVE the take on how I'll be going home!

      XOXOXO

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  10. I love that you had a puppy come to comfort you at just the right moment! And thanks, as always, for your words. You definitely inspire so many people and give us hope!

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    1. Lesley, that I can pass on God's love in some way, I'm just so thrilled! It's an honour every day.

      And His sending the pup at exactly the right time...wow!

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  11. Maybe the puppy was an angel in disguise. Or maybe you are. You certainly inspire people.

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    1. Jan, the puppy definitely WAS an angel...looking into those limpid and trusting eyes you could see clear through to heaven.

      Thank you so much for this.

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  12. Andrew! You are amazing!
    So is Barbara. (I know because I watched my mother be caregiver to my brother at the end of his life.)
    The puppy! God's love personified (or puppified).
    Praying for a respite from the pain.

    Hugs from Annie in Texas.

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    1. Annie, thank you so much for this lovely affirmation, from both of us.

      God's love puppified! Love it! :)

      Thank you so much for the prayers, and hugs back, from everyone here.

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  13. Faith is never futile! What a great way to sum it all up. God does things through us to draw others, and even if our faith is small, it shines!
    Your words DO bring comfort and joy! Thank you for sharing them :)

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    1. Carol, I'm just so honoured that God's allowed me to be here, and to witness to His Love. Wouldn't change it for the world!

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  14. Replies
    1. I wish I knew your name! But thank you nonetheless, for your kind words, and for your presence here.

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  15. "The thing is, you see a lot further when you sit on a giant's shoulders"

    Wow. This post is packed with such power. Thank you.

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    1. Katha, thank YOU, for your affirmation, and for being here.

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  16. It's amazing how you see life from a different perspective when your life is uncertain. I worked with dying patients for many years as a nurse and they taught me so much about life. What we do with the in-between is so valuable. Thank you for sharing your insights with us.

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    1. Debbie, I had often wondered where I would be, mentally and spiritually, if my life were to wind down in illness and not be cut short in war (for I could only envisage the latter).

      I'm glad I got to come this way; I have learned so much!

      Thank you for being here today.

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  17. Your words leave me in awe at the wonder of the Creator who carries you, and who has gifted you with the ability to take words and craft them into something so beautiful. Thank you for visiting my blog, thank you more for continuing to be faithful to use the gift our God has given you. Your words have blessed me, as I know they have others.. FMF #21 this week.

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    1. Linda, I'm deeply grateful for this comment (and for the post you wrote this week). Being able to be on God's Team, as it were...it's worth the pain.

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  18. That last paragraph! You are an amazing teacher friend!

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  19. You are truly an inspiration and we can tell that you do everything you do out of love for us and out of your love of life. Keep fighting back death, my friend. Keep putting words out there that inspire us to live life to its fullest, just like you do amidst your pain. Praying for you, Andrew! I missed stopping by your place last week, but know that you are always in my prayers!

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    1. Beth, that's absolutely right. It really is all about love; any other motivation would have failed long ago, and the only 'fuel' I have is the love given me. Like has to beget lie, eh?

      Thank you so much for your prayers!

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  20. "any step is a step." Amen, brother! And that last part, about Faith, Hope, and Love... so much Yes and Amen! xoxo

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    1. Karilee, thank you for this, and XOXO back!

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  21. Andrew, I asked God just yesterday, if I didnt go through this pain, would I have words to give to anyone? He hasnt answered, but perhaps, through your words here He is. And did I know the answer anyways, really? We don't want pain...of any kind. It hurts! With every seeking step toward Him we take, we see knowing Him comes with a price. How you can even write in the pain you are in is incomprehensible, yet at the same time I understand the passion and need to. It is your joy. Jesus, for the joy set before Him endured the cross (Hebrews). People, us, we, are His joy. Joy is our strength. Oh it's not happy. Not synonyms. I see God in your words, Andrew. I don't want you to have any pain, nor I (totally a different level), but to have fruit that remains, wow! Praying those fevers will subside.

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