Every time I feel more upbeat, and especially when I write it, I get clobbered by the malignancies within.
Last week, I was in the habit of going outside in the evening to look up into the New Mexico sky, and leaning on Barbara's car watch the stars and planets and aeroplanes. The crickets spoke quietly in the background, a perfect homely foil for the vastness above.
This week, I can go outside, and bending over in pain, bracing myself on the car, trying to endure the next moment, and not thinking to the one after that...and only the crickets are the same.
The Good Old Days were a week ago.
I’m locked into a narrative that says I’m going to die, and that I should take comfort in looking back, and letting the pain and sorrow of today be a key to unlock the meaning of yesterday. Life will become a series of anniversaries marking the Good Old Days.
Yeah, well. I’m REALLY GOOD at picking locks, and I’ve escaped that nasty paradigm. I’m looking ahead. Maybe this will all be miraculously healed, the pancreatic cancer and the non-Hodgkins lymphoma, but even if it isn’t, I’m pointing myself at tomorrow, and I’ll just take the crap and the pain and all that with me. Heck, everyone's got baggage; mine's just a little more repulsive than most.
I’ll make my memories out of the next dawn’s breaking light, and celebrate the anniversaries of that which still lies ahead.
Music from the Electric Light Orchestra with Mr. Blue Sky, and the opening credits for what has become my all-time favourite film, Guardians Of The Galaxy: Vol. 2. Enjoy!
Please pardon my slow response to comments. I do my best, and your comments are really precious to me. Barb is answering many of them now. I'm running on fumes, if you don't mind a macho metaphor.
I'm grateful for the energy to have written this. I'm so glad Barbara's stepped in for many of my posts. I'm really not doing well at all.
Thanks to Carol Ashby, Blessed Are The Pure Of Heart is back on Kindle, and will be available in paperback soon.
Friends are everything. I couldn't have done it.
Marley update... been moved to a sanctuary, and Bay County will revise their 'dangerous dog' codes.
If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.
Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.
Andrew, you do have many good days ahead, whether in this world or the next. Either way, you have much to look forward to.ReplyDelete
Bethany, you are so right...thank you for this!Delete
Andrew, take the pain, hold it, remember what it reminds you of, and HOLD ON.. better days are coming. :)ReplyDelete
Annette...will do. I won't let go.Delete
And I LOVED your FMF post this week. So good, and so true!
You've been living for a long time with a hard disease. How long have you been blogging? I feel like we go way back in the #fmf community. BTW I have all your books on my Kindle still and have read them all. Hope your July is jam packed with more sky watching at sunset. Sincerely, JKCReplyDelete
Jennifer, than you so much for this...and please forgive my late reply. Last few days, kinda bad.Delete
I so hope you've enjoyed the books!
I don't know how long I've been blogging...with FMF, maybe three years now?
The sky's beautiful tonight.
Andrew, praying for days of relief to come. Days of looking up at the sky and enjoying the sunsets. You have suffered much and continually remind us to look up for our help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth" (Psalm 121:1). Praying for you and Barb this morning.ReplyDelete
Joanne, thank you so much, and please forgive the tardy reply. We so appreciate the prayers! It was a wonderful sunset, tonight.Delete
'I’m pointing myself at tomorrow.' Yes, yes, you are, Andrew. And you are showing us how to do this, one step at a time. And in turn we are all praying for you and Barb.ReplyDelete
Bless you as you wake this morning ...
Linda, thank you, and please excuse my delay in replying. We sure appreciate- and really need - the prayers. It hurts.Delete
But I am blessed beyond measure.
There is a New Dawn coming! And all these short ones are reminders! Hang in there Andrew! Don't be sad your past is gone. Rejoice that it happened! Every past brings you to the present an on to eternity! I love you and Barbara and those dogs! Praying!ReplyDelete
Mary, yes! The New Dawn is coming; I can see the beginning of that Light.Delete
Love back, from all of us, and thank you so much for the prayers. (And please pardon my tardy response.)
Andrew, you continue to amaze me. Loved this post and the determination and grit that come shining through your words. I love that you are looking forward.ReplyDelete
As I read your words, Phil 3:12 came to mind: "12 Not that I have already attained,[c] or am already perfected; but I press on, that I may lay hold of that for which Christ Jesus has also laid hold of me."
Looking forward to the One who loves you most, who gives you hope, who gives you beauty to look for in the sky, and to hear in the crickets.
Thank you for your post. Truly moving!
PS—loved the video. I'm going to show my boys. ;)
Jeanne, thank you...your ords do me great honour, and I'm truly appreciative. (And please pardon my delay in replying.)Delete
So glad you enjoyed the video! It's one that I bring up when I'm feeling bad.
You are a hero to all of us who read your posts.ReplyDelete
Jan, I don't know what to say, but thank you so very, very much. (And please pardon my delay in responding.)Delete
Thank your for your courage and determination! Even though you can't take away your symptoms, I'm amazed at the attitude you choose to have towards it. Keep on going, friend!ReplyDelete
Katha, thank YOU so much, for your kind words, and for being here. (And please pardon the tardy reply.)Delete
So sorry. Appreciate you showing up.ReplyDelete
My dear Norma, I so appreciate your being here! (And I am sorry for replying so late.)Delete
Your hope and your perspective of looking ahead is at its very heart inspiring. But "inspiring" is such an overused, ill-fit word for what I mean... which is somewhere between heart-changing and life-giving. ... You are lighting the way, sir, for HOW to live above, beyond, through, in, between, and with all the crap our enemy would throw our way. Your life, your words, your hope is powerful, and purposeful and I am thankful.ReplyDelete
Jane, I'm overwhelmed by the grace of your words, and I thank you from the bottom of my heart. (And I'm sorry that it took so long for me to respond.)Delete
Andrew, so glad you are here. You keep showing up and that takes strength. Continuing to pray. I'm in the 24 spot this week.ReplyDelete
Tara, thank you! I'm glad to be here, too, but I have to admit it's getting hard.Delete
Thank you so much for your prayers, and please excuse my delay in replying.
Andrew, thank you so much for sharing your journey with all of us. I am not always great at looking ahead when life is scary or hard. I am praying for you and Barb. - JoleneReplyDelete
Jolene, it's a singular honour to share this...I have learned so much from everyone who has read, and commented. I'd be lost without all y'all.Delete
We so appreciate your prayers, and ask that you overlook the tardiness of this reply.
Andrew, I love the music and video clip this week. Very fitting. Dare I say you sound almost more energetic this week? I do believe you have more days to look forward to and that you will find so many reasons to be upbeat about them. Hang in there, there is a reason for everything, as they say...ReplyDelete
Karen. I'm so glad you enjoyed the video...and you're right; the more is taken from me, the more upbeat and energetic I become. Isn't that strange? But there is a lightness to feeling death approach, and in realizing that there is nothing more to lose in the fight. Does that make sense?Delete
I truly believe that there is a reason for everything...and I will keep holding on. (And please excuse the lateness of my reply.)
Andrew, I am always blessed when I visit here. You have endured some hard days, but you still continue to give out in those places. I loved this, "I’ll make my memories out of the next dawn’s breaking light, and celebrate the anniversaries of that which still lies ahead." So true. I'm finally making my return to blogging, slowly but surely. Blessings!ReplyDelete
Barbie, it's SO GOOD to see you! I'm delighted that you'll be back blogging; you've been missed.Delete
Thank you so much for your kind words, and please pardon my tardy reply!
Praying you have a "good ole days" kind of week!!ReplyDelete
Jennifer, thank you so much! (And please pardon my delayed response.)Delete
Sometimes I just don't know what to say in response to what you've written. Hopefully just knowing I visited to check up on you guys is enough, along with the prayers. Keep living above it all, Andrew!ReplyDelete
Diana, the fact that you're here means more than I have the words to say. You're a blessing to us, and your prayers are so very valued. (And please excuse my delay in replying.)Delete
You will get to trade in your old clothes for the latest and newest style in heaven which will last for eternity. We can only imagine what that day will be like, but it's coming!ReplyDelete
Leigh, I love that thought...thank you so much! (And please pardon my late response.)Delete
I'm glad you are able to keep looking to the future with hope. The best is yet to come. There will be an end to your pain, whether in this life or the next. Love and prayers!ReplyDelete
Lesley, indeed, the best is coming. Thank you so much for this, and especially for your prayers.Delete
And please pardon the lateness of my reply.
When I see your post, my heart fills with joy, knowing you are still fighting and winning.ReplyDelete
Debbie, I so appreciate this...thank you!Delete
Your post made me think of the old hymn, "This world is not my home, I'm just a passin' through," We are all travelers with stories to share as we journey towards our real home. Your story has inspired many!ReplyDelete
Anita, thank you for the reminder of that wonderful hymn...and for your grace-filled, kind words.Delete
One day we will all see those gorgeous sky shows from the other side. Can you even imagine? xoReplyDelete
Susan, yes! And I'll even get to see an aurora, which I never have. I can try to imagine, but that will never come close to the reality.Delete