As a caregiver for a terminally ill husband or wife, you may find that there are things for which you feel the desire or need to atone...while there's time. (And this applies to patients, as well.)
Every marriage has its bad points, from the minor to the devastating. And seeing death coming, you may feel an almost desperate need to try to make it right.
But before you do, ask yourself exactly why you want to go down this road.
If it's to heal a wound that's still open, something that still looms like a wall between you, then do it (preferably in the presence of a counselor). Own up, and try to move on.
But if it's something that's been largely forgotten, or something your spouse didn't know about, then you may be contemplating this action to gain forgiveness for yourself from the one you've wronged.
It's a very human need, but on't forget your position...you're the main support for someone who's dying, and to put it bluntly, he or she may have quite enough burdens in facing death than to have to care for your self-inflicted psychic injuries.
That's harsh, but facing balance of life and death every day is, for your spouse, a harsh schooling.
If you truly need absolution, take your past transgressions to the Lord, either directly or through a pastor or priest. Own up to them, in your own heart, without excuse or explanation.
And then let them go.
Ovr to Linkin park for the musical theme...
A bit of news..."Blessed Are The Pure Of Heart" has come home! Tate Publishing has gone south, and I regained the rights, so it'll soon be available in both Kindle hardcopy versions once again. In the meantime, if you absolutely can't wait (!), you can still get used copies from Amazon.
I have another blog, "Starting The Day With Grace". The focus is a grace quote from someone you might not expect (like, say Mick Jagger) and a short commentary. I hope you'll join me.
Marley update... been moved to a sanctuary, and Bay County will revise their 'dangerous dog' codes.
WE MADE A DIFFERENCE!
And marley has a Facebook page! Please drop by to see how happy he is today.
If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.
Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.
How brave and wise you are! The conversations with my mom as she was waning support your suggestion. Over and over, Mama encouraged me with her acceptance, love, and forgiveness without hearing my confessions. Gently, she taught me that in those weeks, days, and moments, it's all about them, and not us. Prayers for physical and spiritual comfort.
ReplyDeleteAlice, thank you so much for sharing the story of your mother, for bringing this warm light to the conversation here. I truly appreciate it.
DeleteAnd thank you so very much for your prayers!
Alice, thank you so much for sharing the story of your mother, for bringing this warm light to the conversation here. I truly appreciate it.
DeleteAnd thank you so very much for your prayers!
If we did more of this letting go in our day to day interactions with loved ones, we would not have the "back log" of regret at the end of our days. I certainly don't do this perfectly, but I'm asking for grace to keep things open with my husband and my kids.
ReplyDeleteMichele, that's the perfect way to phrase it - a backlog of regret. In a way, it's best to avoid it in a manner similar to dealing with one's email inbox...stay current, and cut off those things that will cause regret when they begin.
DeleteSo hard to do, though...and asking for grace is the vital step.
Thank you so much for being here!
Andrew, your words are wise. So many times I think we hold on to the guilt, but we need to confess to God and then let them go as you said. Sometimes we have a hard time forgiving ourselves. Love the song by Linkin Park! I have one from Downhere called "Forgive Yourself" https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yb3AQHTOZUo
ReplyDeleteGayl, that's so right...we have to lay our sin of unforgiveness before God to truly let it go. Been there, done that! And will have to again. It's a process, not a destination, not in this life.
DeleteAnd it applies equally to ourselves.
So glad you liked the song, and thanks so much for the link!
That's a hard one. I see your point. Sometimes one should offer deep words, other times not. What I would like to see is the letting go of grudges and personal resentments where they 'be. Families fracture over impressions, even lies, and someone then isn't spoken to for years no matter if they try to find out the reason for the distancing.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Andrew.
It is indeed a tough one, Norma, and you're so right when you say that families fracture over impressions, and lies.
DeleteSometimes the rift remains when the reason is known for the most tragic reason of all - the pride that is threatened when an inevitably awkward approach is required.
Thanks so much for this comment, Norma. It;s a vital area that you addressed.
Andrew, such wisdom here. It is good to evaluate whether we need to 'fess up to something or not. It seems like it may be a case-by-case basis. It makes sense, as the caregiver, to determine if that confession, that asking for forgiveness is going to edify the one we're caring for. In other situations, when I've found myself burdened by the guilt of something I've done or said, I've taken it before God first. Sometimes, He's directed me to confess it. Other times, He's told me to leave it in His hands. That one is almost harder, because the unburdening sometimes feels one-sided. But, when we do what God has shown us to do, there's always peace that comes . . . eventually. Thank you for sharing your wisdom, my friend.
ReplyDeleteJeanne, you're absolutely right that the very first thing one needs to do is to take it to the Almighty. And yes, doing what He says can leave one feeling it's a bit one-sided (but so was Jesus' atonement for our sins!), but in the end, there's peace.
DeleteThank you so much for being here!
So maybe get help from someone before "confessing" to see who would benefit and who would hurt? I'm a full-bore believer in openness and honesty, so I'm pretty sure I would be the one doing my best to clear all air, so your words have hit a pause button in me. What's my purpose? My good, or theirs. Thanks.
ReplyDeleteCarol, I love the way you framed this from your perspective! I prefer the honest and open approach, too, but there have been times when I've realized that it was really all for me, and that there were some things I should simply live with.
DeleteThanks so much for being here!