Once again, this is written ahead of time. I will try to work in the keyword. I hope! (It's DEFINE.)
Recently (well, two days ago) I was told, "It's OK. You can let go. You'll be better off. You've lived a long life."
Very true...from a certain perspective.
But in watching Ken Burns' PBS film on baseball, I was struck by something that was said by the historian John Thorn:
""(Our love of baseball) says, I think, that we're children, or we'd like to be. The best of us keep keep as much of that childhood with us as we grow into adulthood as we can muster. The most creative, the most happy, the most fortunate of us are those who don't lose the sense of play. Even after we're past the point of being able to play the game with skill, if we love it, it's like Peter Pan. We remain boys forever. We don't die."
EXACTLY.
Taking stock, I'm in severe and unremitting pain, I'm incontinent, my career is in ruins, and I know now that I was a crap husband to a woman who deserved far more. I'm fated to a messy and humiliating death.
But I still love the game.
It's de finest game around. (See! I worked inde word...sort of.)
I love the nights, when the pain retreats a bit and I can use my service dogs as pillows, taking in their steady breaths to comfort me.
I love the humour of said service dogs running desperately to avoid being puked on - or worse - and then stoically enduring yet another bath.
I love the fun of going online to find DVDs at the local library (like Burns' Baseball!) and looking forward to seeing them.
I love remembering the times when I was strong enough to saw through steel, to make one more part for the Comper Swift replica that I will never finish, but will fly in my imagination. I still turn over the pieces in my hands, and enjoy their cold yet living grace and symmetry.
I love the evenings, when Barb and I can watch either The Voice or Star Trek reruns, even though I'm way too trashed by dry heaves to understand what's going on.
I love kissing my long-suffering wife goodnight, and attending to the nighty-night rituals of the dogs, so that they can have pleasant dreams.
I love the sound o the dogs dropping off to sleep, snoring and chasing dream-cats.
I love this life. I've done some things well, some would get a 'nice try'...and some, well as the cowboys say (please pardon this):
Some folks learn by readin'
Some folks learn by bein' told.
And some folks got to piss on the electric fence all by theyselves.
But by God, I love it all.
And like Peter Pan, I'll be a happy boy forever.
Jesus, after all, said that the only way to enter Heaven is with the heart of a child.
So I'll never die.
Just for fun, here's one of my favourite artists, Petula Clark, singing her signature song, Downtown.
A bit of news..."Blessed Are The Pure Of Heart" has come home! Tate Publishing has gone south, and I regained the rights, so it'll soon be available in both Kindle hardcopy versions once again. In the meantime, if you absolutely can't wait (!), you can still get used copies from Amazon.
I have another blog, "Starting The Day With Grace". The focus is a grace quote from someone you might not expect (like, say Mick Jagger) and a short commentary. I hope you'll join me.
Marley update... been moved to a sanctuary, and Bay County will revise their 'dangerous dog' codes.
WE MADE A DIFFERENCE!
And marley has a Facebook page! Please drop by to see how happy he is today.
If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.
Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.
Even with all your pain and suffering, you have kept your sense of humor! You made me smile and laugh a few times in your post. Thank you. And I like your creative way of working in the word for Five Minute Friday! :D
ReplyDeleteRachel, I'm so glad that I could give you a smile, and even better, a laugh! You just made my evening!
DeleteAlways praying for you, my friend.
De finest of friends are the ones who keep showing up. Even when they're throwing up. And in poor Barbara's case, you can calmly assure her that whatever mess she's capable of, you can one-up her messes! Ha ha.
ReplyDeleteI think she knows that you see now how amazing she is. As Lewis describes, "A dem fine lady."
I am certain not to be the only one who wants you to keep playing!! The sun may be setting, but until My name is actually called, I'm staying and swinging.
Play on, Andrew, play on!
"All outs in free!"
-Tammy
Oh, yeah, Tammy, I can sure one-up...and more...her messes!
DeleteShe is amazing. I hope she does now how much I admire her. She is so much smarter than I could ever be.
I'll stay in the game until the sun sets, Tammy, and beyond. I mean, that's why they make fluorescent balls, right?
Thanks so much for being here - love from all of us!
I love the positive I loves. They say so much about de fine man you are.
ReplyDeleteDebbie, thank you so much! :)
DeleteMY FAVORITE THING you've ever written. And, when the little boy who never dies gets transported? It will be in the Comper Swift and he will fly high and steady and sure. Dang I love you both. Hope B feels better sooner not later.
ReplyDeleteSusan, thank you so much! You've given me a wonderful image of Heaven.
DeleteThe B is feeling better, and we love you!
I enjoy the "sense of play" in your writing, Andrew (including your use of DEFINE.) Thanks for blessing us again, and making us smile.
ReplyDeleteJeannie, thank you for this...play was something I'd forgotten for many years, but it's all coming back to me now. Not a moment too soon.
DeleteThanks so much for being here.
Andrew, such a great post. Your words, your optimism, your way of looking at the life you've lived and are living and being able to maintain a child-like air, even in the midst of your very hard circumstances? It's inspiring, and humbling. Your way with words is touching. On a heart-level.
ReplyDeleteI think I can safely say that none of us lives a perfect life. We've all made mistakes and we'll all know Jesus' grace through the realizing of them. I'm thankful for your words here!
Keep living with that child-like sense. :)
Praying for you all.
Jeanne, thank you for this. I truly appreciate these words, and hold them close to my heart.
DeleteIt's an honour to call you friend.
I love your positive attitude and your sense of humour (and that you spell it with a u!) You made me laugh out loud with the way you fitted "define" into your post.
ReplyDeleteAnd so true that we should never completely grow up- God calls us to come as little children. Great post!
Lesley, I'm so glad I could add some humour to your day (yes, British-educated) and give you a laugh.
DeleteIt took me quite a while to grow up enough to realize that I could be young. Odd, that.
Love this post and love Petula Clark. She's one of my favorites, too. I love your outlook, Andrew, and praise God for your presence here. Blessings!
ReplyDeleteGayl, thank you so much, and I'm delighted that you liked the musical choice. Petula Clark just has something so special and clear in her voice; she always makes me smile.
DeleteI'm so glad you're here!
Love this view of death and life. Thanks, as always, Andrew!
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad you liked it, Annie. Thanks for stopping by!
DeleteThis post gives a contagious perspective... so much gratefulness and honesty... thankful I stopped by today, Andrew! #46 from the #fmf Blessings, may His hand ever be upon you!
ReplyDeleteChristine, thank you so much! I'm glad you stopped by, too, and thank you for the directions to your excellent post.
DeleteI so love this life, too, Andrew. I hear you. I know we'll love the next, too, but ... wow, what an honor to have lived this life. To have been made, crafted, given a heartbeat ... I want to hang on to this gift as long as the Lord will allow it. I pray you hang on for a very long time. You are impressive ... the Lord is impressive through you. xoxo
ReplyDeleteShelli, I feel exactly that way. This life has been and is a privilege, and it's important. God would not have made all of 'this' if it weren't.
DeleteI'm so honoured by your words...thank you, my dear friend. XOXO back!
Hi Andrew! Thanks for sharing this outlook! It's amazing how things like baseball make us feel young again! I'm a teacher, so I'm constantly reminded of childlike faith and how God wants to soften our hearts through enthusiasm and hope!
ReplyDeleteAmy, yes...it's the simple things...baseball and springtime and blue skies and birdsong at dawn...that give us back that childlike wonder, the one thing we really can't afford to lose.
DeleteAnd I used to be a teacher, too. I miss it.
Thanks so much for being here!
Andrew, I love the ways you are still finding love and hope and joy in the midst of your suffering. Oh and the Voice...one of my faves too! So glad you're here friend and yes you've had a good life. Children sure know how to teach us about faith. I've learned so much from the ones I've worked with. I'm in the 55 spot this week.
ReplyDeleteTara, thank you! I'm glad to still be here as well. Every day hurts, but I enjoy every day...and that doesn't seem a contradiction.
DeleteI taught for awhile, and yeah...I learned a lot from the kids. I miss it.
Andrew,
ReplyDeleteSomeone once told me "never leave a church unless you love it and it hurts to go but God is leading you", I love your attitude of loving life, even in all your hardships. Paul's dilemma "to live is Christ, to die is gain". I learn so much from you! And I am in the middle of watching Star trek reruns! #61 this week.
Mary, that advice on leaving a church is spot on. It's just perfect, because it's a surrender of the comfortable and familiar to God's Will, and an acceptance of His plans. Thank you for this!
DeleteI'm just so glad you're here.
hi andrew:) each week i wonder if you will be here the next week. i see you are still here, fighting for all you are worth!
ReplyDeleteblessings during this hard time. we pray for you and your wife. martha
Martha, yes...and part of the reason I'm here from week to week is Five Minute Friday. It's a BIG part of the reason.
DeleteFor so much of my life I was respected and feared, but not loved. Here, I've found a love I never imagined.
Thank you so much for the prayers! We sure do appreciate them.
Being a happy boy is a powerful choice, one that will indeed bring joy to every life you touch. You are doing that right now. Thank you always, Andrew.
ReplyDeleteChristina, it took me a long time to get young enough to be a boy again...a lot of years.
DeleteIt was worth it.
So glad you're here today!
Andrew, I always enjoy your posts and admire your positive attitude. Today I especially enjoyed the video you shared. I hadn't heard that song in years and it brought me to the past.
ReplyDeleteBy the way, when I ask to be notified of comments I'm always told they'll be sent to an account I don't use.
Jan, thank you so much! And I'm delighted that you enjoyed the song. It's happily haunted me since it came out.
DeleteI'll see if I can find out what Blogger is doing in regard to the comments. Blogger can be almost as weird as WordPress sometimes.
All that you've done in your life--which is quite a lot and quite remarkable--defines you, Andrew. And this blog and your books define you as a wise and compassionate man. Your relationship (I know you don't like that terminology) with Christ defines you as His child. Your relationship with Barbara has defined you as a broken human who gets it wrong sometimes but often pops it out of the park, so to speak. We see all the many sides of you here, Andrew, even as your flame flickers in the wind. I'm praying that you live another day to be that kid at heart that I know you are. Hugs to you and prayers for all that you are still able to do and see, my friend!
ReplyDeleteBeth, gosh...thank you so much! I really, really appreciate the grace in this comment, as it comes at the end of a terribly hard weekend.
DeleteAnd thank you so much for the prayers.
The Petula Clark song takes me back to before the sound of living before my parents divorce - I'm 5 years old again and going downtown with my mom to the department stores where I will get a 1/4 of a Club Sandwich in the basement coffee shop:). I understand what you are saying about being a child - and the desire to keep playing the game - and the hope that we get better at playing it! Praying comfort for you in this great challenge you are living! I think you have lived it better than you realize!
ReplyDeleteMaryleigh, I'm so glad that the song brought back good memories! It oes for me, too...the home and possibilities of the day. It makes the world seem young again.
DeleteI so appreciate your kind words, and your prayers.
Brilliant, timeless perspective again, Andrew! You find light wherever it is to be found and show the rest of us the way... thank you :)
ReplyDeleteEmma, thank you so much! I really appreciate this - your words are a warm light on a coldly painful day.
DeleteBlessings, my friend!
Thanks for elevating play and holding on to the inner child. When my teenager tells me I'm immature, she's reminding me that my sense of fun and play is alive and well—even if it isn't appreciated. ;)
ReplyDeleteYou made me laugh with your way of getting in define. So fun.