First...Strawberry's doing great. She's getting playful and seems even MORE clumsy!
This week's word is PROTECT.
When you're facing the reaper, one thing I've learned is that you've got to find a robust way to protect your sense of self. In the end, that is what's going to carry you through as ability and potential are stripped away.
I didn't do so well this week, and I'm trying to find my balance.
A few days ago, I got the chance to see myself as a couple of people who are close to me see me. It wasn't a pretty sight.
I'm ruthless with myself, no bones about that. But it carries over, and has carried over for years...to the point where these individuals have taken it on faith that in the case of operational necessity, they would not be the first priority. I won't explain that further, and you can spin it any way you like.
The thing is, they're very probably right. Training creates mindset, and the better the training...and the better one 'takes' to it...the more ingrained the attitude is. You're not dealing with thought and action...you become thought and action.
Great under certain circumstances, but it's of little use in the civilized world.
I'd thought of myself as a relatively pleasant person who was capable of performing duties that might make others quail, but that I was loyal and dependable.
Seems there's a catch. I'm seen as loyal and dependable to a cause that I would place higher than love and friendship.
That's not a pleasant look in the mirror.
How could I have protected my heart? I don't know. But I feel awfully alone at the moment, a dragon in suburbia.
Maybe I should have just let myself see the dragon, and embraced the fire.
The musical inspiration for this post, and for rebuilding my heart, is Daniel Powter's "Bad Day", a truly charming song to which I once did a solo dance in a Texas parking garage during a night-time thunder storm, and I hadn't even been drinking!
If you have a mment, I'd like to ask you to visit Change.org to consider a petition to free a 'death row dog' who has been separated from his family for ten months over a misunderstanding. Marley was saved from Afghanistan by a US serviceman; please help make sure this story doesn't end in needless tragedy!
If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.
Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.
Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.
Andrew, it's often difficult to come face to face with how others perceive us. Does that mean we should change that part of who we are? Sometimes. Sometimes, we can become a better version of ourselves if we take the hard words, perceptions, truths to heart.
ReplyDeleteAnd sometimes, there isn't really any way to change that aspect of who we are. The important thing is to pray and ask God what is to be done with those hard words. I'm so sorry, my friend, for the hurts this week added to your heart.
As always, I'm praying for you.
PS—I so appreciate the song,and I loved the drawing on the window/ad. :) Great video.
jeanne, thank you so much for this comment. You're so right. Please forgive that I can't give a longer reply. Last 24 hours have been a bit much.
DeleteAnd thank you for the prayers.
Andrew,
ReplyDeleteI have never seen the actual video. I've seen some other funny ones.
Rejection or misperception will always sting. When others don't fully comprehend our intention or our heart, we can really muddy things up. (Oh boy did I send a heartfelt email to the parents last fall and it was muddied for the rest of the year!)
I'm sorry that they cannot see the changes that have come about in the last two years I've known you. There has been much humbling and surrender, and frankly, the old Andrew has made way for Jesus to shine. So, if they disdain the Andrew they think they knew, maybe they just haven't seen your Jesus sparkling. ;)
Good riddance to the grumpy, tough soldier who was the protector that didn't need protection or help.
Hello to the soldier of God whose inner calm can withstand the sieges.
love you, my brother!
-Tammy
(#8 this week)
Tammy, thank you so much. I truly appreciate this thoughtful and loving assessment. I can't do it justice with a longer reply; forgive me. Not in good shape.
DeleteLove back, and thank you for the prayers.
Andrew,
Deleteyou say much with little these days. I appreciate each word from you. Happy Independence Day!
Love,
Tammy
Hi to Strawberry ...
ReplyDeleteThanks, Linda. She just gave me a Mastiff-hug, and I pass that on to you!
DeleteI don't know what to say this morning. Maybe I haven't had enough coffee or I'm just experiencing morning fog brain. Just pretend I wrote Tammy's comment above me - she always says it best. xo
ReplyDeleteSusan, thank you so much...and the FMF book arrived in today's mail! What a wonderful thing to have on a day that's gone horribly bad. XO and waggies!
DeleteThanks for your honesty. Praying as you find your balance...
ReplyDeleteAnnie (#24)
annierim.wordpress.com
Annie, thank you so much for your prayers, and for being here.
DeleteAndrew, stopping by today from Five Minute Friday. The Lord has exposed some very hard truth about myself recently. I can relate to how difficult that can be! At the same time, the Lord has so faithfully encouraged me that the truth sets us free. In seeing what I don't want to see about myself, He is also setting me free from the bondage that comes from those very things. May you find great freedom in Him today, even in seeing the hard things He's showing you. Blessings.
ReplyDeleteShauna, thank you so much for illuminating things here with your heartfelt words, and your wisdom! I truly appreciate your presence here.
DeleteYou are always wise even if you can't show it. I hope today is a better one. And don't forget to let people know you appreciate them.
ReplyDeleteJan, thank you so much...and I appreciate YOU, my friend.
DeleteWhen others look at us, they see...what is in front of them. They don't see the "you" or the "me" or the "we" that is inside, sometimes DEEP inside our souls! They see and observe and think they know us. God looks on the inside to see the "you" or the "me" or the "we" that we are from the INSIDE to the OUTSIDE!
ReplyDeleteYou are who you are...what is that Dr. Seuss...
"Today you are YOU,
That is truer than true.
There is NO ONE alive
That is YOU-ER than YOU!"
(sorry for the reference to being "alive"; but, you ARE alive and doing what you can)...
Praying your days do get better; you've been talking about "bad days" for a while! Hugs to Barb, and to Strawberry, too!
LOVE the Dr. Seuss quote, Barbara! Thank you for that. And it is indeed true-er than true.
DeleteHugs delivered, Strawberry gives a high-pitched yodel back! And thank you so much for the prayers.
popped in to see you today andrew:) still kicking i see:) loved the video:)
ReplyDeletenot sure i understood all the references you made in your post but i do understand the feeling of seeing oneself in a starker light than i had hoped to show. no fun. especially when you feel lousy.
isn't it great to know that Jesus has loved us at our worst, knows the worst of us, and still loves us and forgives?
when i think of how offensive my mess is to his righteousness and holiness, it is even more stunning that He is willing to deal with me in a loving, merciful and gracious way. to think that the people who were His friends on earth were the sinners, not the self-righteous...pretty amazing isn't it.
blessings on another week. may your feel the tender love of Jesus and come to know His gracious forgiveness in new and deeper ways as you deal with your many discomforts and pain. may the peace of GOD be with you brother.
Martha, thank you for this...it is indeed through jesus' eyes that we are truly seen, and truly loved.
DeleteIt's sometimes easy to overlook this, and focus on the temporal...easy, stupid, and wrong, and I do it all the time.
Thank you so much for your presence here, and your prayers.
I know that I am new to FMF, feeling like I am just peeking into this group of people here. But Andrew, just reading the comments above, they care about you for who you are. I am glad I subscribe to your blog so I can just pray for you when God lays you on my heart. Hoping for a good weekend for you, if God wills. : ) oh and thanks for stopping by my blog. I thought of you when it came to the U.N trucks
ReplyDeleteKristina, I was so delighted when you appeared in FMF. You have a brightness to your writing that I love.
DeleteThank you so much for the prayers (and for thinking of me when it came to tht e trucks...very familiar, that).
I guess I'm confused...but trying to understand.
ReplyDeleteWe embrace what is, not what we wish it to be. Then comes the hard work. At some level, I think most of us are misunderstood. One of my bad habits is to always explain my thinking to those closest to me, like I need a defense, a prop. Now I see two of my grown children doing the same thing. I saw myself through them, And I can't say I like it. It's kind of like apologizing when there is no need.
Guess I'm rambling.
Well, Andrew, you keep us thinking. Glad Strawberry is doing well. Glad you are still here. You make me think of the new motto I am seeking to live by, 'Extend grace' to others, it makes life a whole lot easier to bear. Blessings. Still praying.
Norma, it was an awfully hard post to write. Sorry for the confusion...it does partially reflect my own heart.
DeleteIt seems to me that explaining your thinking is a good thing, a way of building a stronger connection to the person to whom you're speaking. It's a combination of vulnerability and boldness I find admirable. (And in conversation, I am the opposite...talking to me is about as rewarding as chatting with an Easter Island monolith.)
Love the motto, Norma. Thank you for sharing that. And for the prayers. Strawberry says Woof!
Oh friend, don't be so hard on yourself. You are going through hell. Grace is sufficient in the midst of this awful Illness. So glad you are still here. Praying. I'm over in the 54 spot this week.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for these words, Tara. You are a balm to my soul. And thank you for the prayers.
DeleteIt's always hard when the Lord is pricking us to grow dear friend. Sometimes we need to let go of protecting ourselves and become more vulnerable to learn what He has for us.
ReplyDeleteBelieve it or not, I tend to be on the more pessimistic side of life than Shane...he is the guy drawing the Umbrella over my rain shower in the video for sure. But with God's help, I'm finding my optimism again and you can too!
Hadn't seen that video before, I think I have to watch it a few more times, lol. ...dancing a jig in a parking garage without drink...yeah that's good too...
I might have to find my 10 year old to dance a jig in the kitchen while I listen.
#52 this week
Christy, thank you so much for the lovely comment, and the sharing of your heart.
DeleteI think opposites do attract, at least in optimism/pessimism. Believe it or not, I tend to be the optimist, and many times it forces me to look past a very high wall of pain into the landscape of a normal life I can never really know...to help my wife see that there is sunlight on her horizon. It's not easy.
So glad you liked the video!
"When ability and potential are stripped away." Powerful words.
ReplyDeleteI've experienced this a few times in my life in my own way. A couple times I was on bed rest during pregnancy. Plus, I saw a dear friend lose her ability as her health declined. These are unique stories as your story is. What is the same is the struggle of the sense of self when one cannot do what one used to.
In pregnancy, I knew my ability and potential would return after the pregnancy. With my friend, I knew her illness would continue to strip her down until she was gone.
I remember feeling trapped by my body and wrestled with who I was. Needing people to do things for me took me to new places of humility. Plus, I had to face my lack of control over anything. Some days I felt more crazy than others.
With my friend, I watched from the outside. And when she couldn't do things she loved to the level of excellence she was accustomed to achieving, she stopped altogether. Shifting from amazing to very good wasn't good enough for her.
I don't know how she protected her sense of self because her illness affect her brain.
From the outside, her stripped ability endeared her to me allthemore. I wonder if she knew that or could accept that evaluation.
As you face the stripping, I hope you can see yourself as God sees you. There are people close to you who know the real you and love you allthemore.
--Cheryl visting from FMF
On a different note. I am a big Apologetix fan and hear the parody of the "Bad Day" song.
Cheryl, thank you so much for sharing these experiences. I can sure relate to being trapped in a body that's become a kind of bad place to live...and the craziness that goes with it.
DeleteThat can really magnify small things...like when you have a small amount of appetite and clumsily drop a carefully prepared meal, the only thing you're up top eating...as happened last night. I was not at my best.
I thank you so much for the encouragement to see myself as God sees me...and to trust those who do know the 'real me' in their love.
Thanks so much for being here.
Andrew, it's been so long and I'm so happy to be back visiting FMF friends. I'm sorry that you had such a painful experience this week. Whenever I get down on myself over the truth of my personal depravity, I remind myself that "by the grace of God I am what I am, and his grace to me was not without effect." The Lord is mightily at work in your life, as all of us who read your blog know!
ReplyDeleteI also want to say that, no matter what others say, I have only seen you as a selfless person who is suffering greatly yet giving to others greatly. I will never forget the night in the midst of my lonely, frantic race to the finish line of my prelim exam, seeing your comment appear on my blog post: "You’re a Daughter of the Most High, and He will be right with you through it all." That was hands-down the most encouraging and God-appointed word I received leading up to my prelim. To me, that is all I see when I think of you. Thanks, friend, for being you.
~Katy (#61 at FMF)
Katy, I am SO HAPPY to see you here!!! I missed you.
DeleteI love your comment, and thank you so much for the grace you've extended to me in your words. You've touched my heart. a healing touch, and I am so very, very grateful.
Marie, thank you so much for this perspective. Can't begin to tell you how important your words are to me.
ReplyDeleteAnd yes, not saying this boastfully, but I do run to the sound of the guns, and would without hesitation die to protect you. It's how I'm wired.
Thanks so much for being here, my friend.
Visiting for the first time. You have a wonderful community here, Andrew. And that talks loud and clear. I don't think we need teflon hearts, we just need to know what to do with nasty things in life (redirect them to Jesus) and where to find peace (Jesus). Our happiness does not come from other people. Only Jesus.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing. May God continue to bless you and keep you.
Hi Andrew. I didn't read every comment, but I saw some good thoughts here. Glad to see support from friends. I don't know what's going on with you, but I am praying for you. That God would bring healing spirit, soul, and body.
ReplyDeleteI have come face to face with my 'shadow' self too and become undone by what I found :( Sounds like you are on the right path though - the path of descent is the way forward (in the sentiments of Richard Rohr)... the cracks are the way for the Spirit to get in... our woundedness becomes our glory... these have become sentiments I repeat often to myself... because I often forget the upside down way of Jesus!
ReplyDeleteBlessings, Andrew. Thanks for your faithful representation of what's going on in your daily life. My perspective is always altered just a bit by reading your words.
ReplyDeleteGlad Strawberry is doing so well! :) I know she must be a bright spot in your life right now. You know, we try to protect our hearts, but sometimes we are caught by surprise. May God give you wisdom and comfort in knowing He loves you and in the friendships you have found online. (I didn't write a fmf post this week, but hope to next time.)
ReplyDeleteI'm right there with you, Andrew, seeing shades of my heart that are rather unflattering and hard to see. But that's also a good thing, because it reminds me to rest in God's care and cleansing of my heart. Keep on "dancing"--in heart if not in body--during these dark days, my friend. You inspire us all with your words even when they are not set to music. ;-)
ReplyDelete