Your Dying Spouse 172 - Hold Fast Till Morning {FMF}

Time for Five Minute Friday, the weekly keyword-driven timed writing challenge hosted by Kate Motaung.

I don't know what the keyword is yet, but I'm writing this while I have the energy. Last night was kind of rough, and I'm tired. (It's REST.)

Yeah, it happened again.

I was in a bit of trouble during the night. Quite a bit of pain, and I was screaming. Literally. The clock seemed to have frozen on 1:18,and all moments coalesced into one.

And in that one moment, I felt my soul leaving my body. Through the side of the right thigh, of all things. I thought you were supposed to leave, like, through the head or something?

There was intense heat there, not a burning, more of a warmth that was designed to make leaving easier.

And I was slipping through that warmth, bound for Heaven.

I refused to go. I said it inside, and I said it in words, maybe not understandable. "No. I'm not going."

I should say I was tempted. I should say that I was drawn by the thought that soon I'd see Jesus, face-to-face. That the pain would be over, that the humiliation of a failing body would end. Here and now.

But I wasn't tempted, and I said no.

Why? Why not let go, and fall into God' embrace? I've been told, let it go, you've suffered enough. Give yourself over to the Lord. Be at peace.

Why not rest?

Peace really sucks. It's boring. Harps and angels' wings. Give me a rifle and a full bandolier, mate. I am still in this fight.

Maybe Valhalla is indeed the true Heaven, and Hell is reserved for those who die in bed.

Sure, I have to go sometime. But it'll be on my terms, and God has to accept that. When I walk through the Pearly Gates it'll be rifle in hand, pistol on my hip, knife in my boot, and enough ammunition to make Pancho Villa green with envy.

The saints and angels will fall silent, step aside, and look away. They have to earn the right to watch me pass.

I'll walk up to God, look him in the eye, and say, "You got another war needs winning? I'm ready. Here am I; send me."

Tempting to try to bring nobility to this. To say, well, I still have a job to do here. That there is witnessing left to accomplish, and comfort to give. Or even to say it's the principle of the thing, not to give up because I never learned to spell kwiit, much less do it.

But that would be only part of the truth, and on this occasion a small part. The biggest reason was Strawberry the Baby Bullmastiff. (For those who don't know Strawberry's story, you can read it by clicking here, and see some pictures of her here.)

You see, Strawberry is getting happy. She's putting on weight, and growing. She's learning how to play, and she's learning how to trust.

And she's learning how to love.

She give Mastiff Hugs, which are pretty breathtaking, as she puts her forelegs around my neck, and holds on tight. She's pretty strong. So it's breathtaking. Get it?

If I went, whom would she hug like that? Would I leave this friendly soul waiting for something that would not come again?

So I told God NO, and pulled, literally pulled my spirit back into my body, and I anchored it there with pain. I embraced that pain, my friend and guardian, to keep me safe from the temptation of Heaven.

I held onto the hope of another sunrise.

All to give a friend a chance to hug me again, which she did this morning.

She hugged me extra hard, because she knew.

So I'll shoot my way out of Paradise, to get back here. I don't need rest. I need a good hard fight.

Love wins, even over Heaven.

The musical inspiration for this post is Chris Cornell's "Till The Sun Comes back Around"

And here are the lyrics -

"'Til The Sun Comes Back Around"

Come to me in my darkest hour
When the sun goes down
And the fact that I never wandered
On unfamiliar ground
Maybe I'm walking on the wild
That can never leave me out

So I hold tight to the edge of the night
And I fight on and wait for the light
And I hold fast to the here and the now
Till the sun comes back around

How could I let so many miles
Come between our hearts
Does it beat for the loving side
When the fighting starts

Taught me well to unleash hell
But not how to shut it down

So I hold tight to the edge of the night
And I fight on and wait for the light
And I hold fast to the here and the now
Till the sun comes back around

Thoughts of you cut through the doom
As I stand alone on this wall
If I die, tell me will it matter
Whichever side I have on the fall?
No my dear, it won't matter at all
Oh my dear, it won't matter

Thoughts that flash in the calm
That casts long shadows of doubt
No matter how far down your heart
They just spill our lives

So I hold tight to the edge of the night
And I fight on and wait for the light
And I hold fast to the here and the now

Hope that tomorrow is found
And I'm standing here
When the sun comes back around

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