I've talked about this before...remarriage for a widow or widower.
I hope you'll indulge me for a revisit to the subject.
The thought of my wife remarrying, and forming a life beyond that which we have shared is, to a real degree, heartbreaking.
I want our routines to be cherished in memory. I want to be something more than a picture in a photo album that's seldom opened.
I want the paths that we walked to be sacrosanct.
I want to be selfish.
Wanting that is natural...but it''s wrong. It reduces my wife to, at best, the curator of a memory, and at worst, and object that was ultimately merely an appendage to my life.
A cruel fate for anyone, and particularly cruel to wish it on the person I love most in all the world.
I have to be better than this.
The memories have to be entrusted to the Almighty. My wife has to have the chains of post-mortem possessiveness cut away.
I must want her to laugh, and to love.
I am constrained by decency to want her to feel free to remarry.
It's not easy.
It's just the right thing to do.
If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.
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Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links (they're 99 cents each). And if you'd like a free PDF, please email me at tempusfugit02 (at) gmail (dot) com, and I'll gladly send them
Andrew, another heartfelt post. Truly, losing you will be a loss indeed. How does one recover from such a kind, passionate friend? And yet, your desire for Barbara not to be alone and to experience joy and affirmation is something worth writing about. I pray that you will find joy in releasing her of bearing the weight of your empty shadow for the rest of her life with no hope of filling the gaping hole in her heart left behind by you.
ReplyDeleteYou are wise to notice however, that being needed is left for those of us on earth, not for those of us who leave. Praying for you and Barbara, and wishing there were some way to prolong your existence here without prolonging your suffering.
Love,
Tammy
Tammy, you often cut to the heart of that which I cannot bring myself to say...and once again, you've shone through. Thank you so much for this.
DeleteWe so appreciate your prayers. It's been a tough week.
I want to say exactly what Tammy said because she said it so perfectly. I'm sad today and now, I think I know why. I don't want to lose you. xo I don't like losing friends.
ReplyDeleteSusan, this friend doesn't want to go. I'm brought to mind of a mother who lost a child, and was told that now her beloved kid was safe with Jesus.
Delete"Thanks," she replied, "but I want her safe with ME!"
xo and waggy tails, my friend.
It makes sense for both of you to feel this way, Andrew. It is heart-wrenching to hear how you are doing and how difficult it is on your marriage, but know that you are not alone. The Lord is with you and we are with you in spirit and in prayer. Hugs to you, my friend!
ReplyDeleteBeth, yes...it does make sense, even though it's sometimes very hard to bear.
DeleteI so appreciate being 'not alone'! I don't know how I would cope without this community.
ReplyDeleteNumbers 6:24-26New King James Version (NKJV)
"May the Lord bless you and keep you; May He make His face shine upon you, And be gracious unto you; May He lift up His countenance upon you, And give you peace."
Especially Peace. Blessings Andrew, to you and to your lovely wife, Barbara.
Jules, this is a perfect Scripture. Thank you so much!
DeletePeace is here, even in what is sometimes heartache, and we so appreciate your prayers.
This is the most loving thing anyone could possibly say.
ReplyDeleteJan, words fail me...except to say, thank you for this.
DeleteOh Andrew, you are not being selfish, you are being in love friend, and that's what God desires of us in our marriages. The truth is, once you are in glory, you'll have better things to do than dwell on Barbara's future.
ReplyDeleteMy Daddy married a widow, her 1st husband is still a part of her life. they shared life for over 40 years. His picture is on their piano and a few other places in their house. My daddy realizes she has a past that he wasn't a part of and it's okay. I have another friend whose husband died young, she remarried and has written about mourning on anniversaries with her 2nd husband. I believe God gives those that marry widows/widowers a special understanding of the grief their spouse has faced, and the ability to love and support them as the grief may fade but never dies.
Christy, I so admire your Daddy! He has given such a special grace to his wife. It moves me to tears.
DeleteMy father-in-law, who lost his wife in 2013, is planning to remarry soon, and his future wife has been incredibly gracious in respecting the memories he has. They're both 79 (he'll be 80 when the wedding takes place).
I think you';re right about the special understanding. It's such a gift.
Thank you so much for being here!
Andrew, I am the widow who has moved forward with her life. Had to. Had kids to finish getting raised and then life loomed long.....
ReplyDeleteYou will never be forgotten. Everything you and Barbara have and have had and, I'm sorry to say, even those things you will never have, will be held in such a special place in her heart that she can't even imagine it yet. It will be precious, priceless and can never be damaged.
Trust me. It's six years, one month and 19 days since I was widowed.
You have a beautiful heart to wish for her a full life.
Shelby, thank you so much for being here, and contributing from your experience. I am so grateful that you shared this.
DeleteIn this slow fade from life, it's easy to wonder...will I be remembered?
But your words have given strength to my heart. Thank you, truly.
Andrew...you are amazing! Even as you are fading, you think of your wife, the lovely Barbara who has remained by your side for all of this - time! She will not forget you; even should she remarry...you will remain in her heart. Even as she moves on...you are there in her memories.
ReplyDeleteHold on to that, Andrew; to the fact that you have the memories, too; and as you journey closer to that day when He takes you home with him...those memories continue for both of you.
I find it harder and harder to put my thoughts into words. You have become a friend to many; you have inspired many; you continue, even in your times such as this...may God surround you today and tomorrow and always; and bring comfort and strength to both you and Barb. HUGS to both; prayers for both!!
Barbara, you've said this beautifully, and you've lifted my spirits more than you may realize. Thank you so much for this.
DeleteAnd thank you for the continued prayers. We appreciate them, so very, very much.
You will still be a part of her even though no longer present.
ReplyDeleteNorma, thank you for this affirmation. It's something to which I hold, with all my heart.
DeleteStill here, reading your blog regularly, and lost for words again... praying grace and peace to you both (plus doggies)
ReplyDeleteRmarri (is that your name? I checked Google+ but didn't find more)...thank you for being here, and for being on this journey with us.
DeleteGrace and peace are here, even when there'a a touch of heartache.
We - dogs included - so appreciate your prayers!
Ah yes, sorry... finally found a way to comment on my phone. I'm the Ruth from https://ruthemarriott.wordpress.com/ and FMF, though I haven't written on a Friday for a while. Been following your writing and praying for nearly 2 years! Maybe I should fix my G+ profile. Blessings.
DeleteAh yes, sorry... finally found a way to comment on my phone. I'm the Ruth from https://ruthemarriott.wordpress.com/ and FMF, though I haven't written on a Friday for a while. Been following your writing and praying for nearly 2 years! Maybe I should fix my G+ profile. Blessings.
DeleteIt's hard. Giving someone--someone you really love--permission to remarry would have to be the most selfless thing. Most wouldn't want to talk about it ... wouldn't want to know anything about it ... don't think about it ... deal with it or not after I'm gone. Praying for you ... so thankful for your life.
ReplyDeleteShelli, yes...it's tough to think about, much less talk about. But like so many things in the Christian walk, Jesus never promised they'd be easy. Just that they had to be done.
DeleteBelieve me, there are times I'd much rather think that nothing would change, that my memory will be a fulfilling presence, enough to last a lifetime. But That is rarely the case, and even more rarely a good thing.
So the 'hard' has to be faced, with as much grace as one can muster. Not easy. Not fun.
We thank you so much for your prayers, my friend!
Statistically, the happier a man is in the marriage the sooner he remarries if his wife exits stage left before he does.
ReplyDeleteBased on this, I have told Lori I will be brining a date to her funeral. And being who she is and how well she knows me, she is not offended by this irreverence.
My prayer for Barb is she will grieve well and find a new life beyond her time with you. May the Lord show her the direction He has for her and bring the people she needs into her life at the right time.
I know it's hard to leave her, but God's got her back, and he can care for and protect her even better than you have, my friend.