To begin...
Death came this week, but not for me. It came for one of our oldest and most beloved Pits, Rapunzel, aka Puzzle, aka Beast.
She was a massive, low-slung blue-black dog with an insanely cheerful disposition, and not an aggressive bone in her body. We found her almost exactly eight years ago, in a snowstorm. She'd been used for breeding, and when her usefulness was over, she'd been dumped/
I wanted to call her Snowflake. I was overruled.
Puzzle and I had a game, when we were both well...it was called Bouncy Dizzy Bull. I would pick her up under her forelegs, and let her 'bounce', Tigger-style, on her hind legs. She could get some decent air time! Then I'd spin her around, faster and faster, until neither of us could walk a straight line. She had a giggling laugh, like a child.
She always had a horror of cold, and we tried to keep her sleeping crate as close to the fire, in winter, as possible.
She lost ground quite quickly since the first of the year, and we decided to let her die at home, with her friends.
She could still walk, slowly, to her last few hours, and her death was peaceful.
I had to bury her. There was no one around, and once I tripped and fell into the open grave, looking up at the sky.
It took several hours, and I collapsed at the end of it. Not that strength which I once was, I guess.
Came time to say goodbye, and I told her not to run too far ahead, that I'd be there presently.
It's tempting to draw parallels, to say that I see myself mirrored in her ending, and while it's true...I do...it really serves no purpose, and somehow hijacks the singularity of an individual death.
It wasn't about me, except in one way. She had eight years of a happy life gifted to her, and that was my doing.
Absent all the books I never wrote, the projects I never completed, absent the kind of husband I tried to be, and fell short, I made a difference to a creature who knew the meaning of loneliness and fear and love and fun.
There's little I can do now to make the overall picture of my life a success.
But I'm glad I met Puzzle, and I'm glad that I could be her friend to the end. There may be no major victories, but I would not trade away that small, quiet contentment.
That's it.
For the music inspiration for this post, give John Fogarty a listen...Puzzle was the original rock and roll girl!
As a PS...the word this week is NEWS.
But aside from what I wrote, I don't have any, other than to saythat news of my surrender has been greatly exaggerated.
I will be fighting on.
If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.
Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links (they're 99 cents each). And if you'd like a free PDF, please email me at tempusfugit02 (at) gmail (dot) com, and I'll gladly send them
Oh, Andrew, Puzzle sounds like she would have been the best pet! God bless you for loving her. Thoughts & prayers go up for you daily. Be strong.
ReplyDeleteLynette
Lynette, thank you so much for the kind thoughts and the prayers. She was indeed special...and the rest of the dogs are still in mourning. As am I.
DeleteThank you so much for being here!
I am sorry to hear about your beloved dog, they become members of our family. I am glad you are still here with us and I look forward to reading your posts!! Keep fighting and remember you have lots of prayers coming your way
ReplyDeleteMiranda, thank you...Puzzle was really the heart of the household, and everyone is still pretty solemn...dogs, and us.
DeleteThank you so much for the prayers; the prayers and support from this community make it possible to keep writing.
"The news of my surrender has been greatly exaggerated."
ReplyDelete:D You will never surrender. In fact, I doubt very much you will just lie down, Andrew. I'm so sorry for the loss of Puzzle. It made me curious, though. I've read Lewis' "The Last Battle" and the donkey's name was Puzzle.
Puzzle was a sweet soul that was roped into something he didn't understand and was released into joy and eternity at the end of the book.
I imagine your Puzzle was so happy to be loved and cherished instead of used as a breeding machine.
What the Good News delivers is that our worth is in our existence. Not in anything we bring. Those skills we have are what make us useful, but we exist simply for God. He made us because He loved us and wanted our love in return.
"A gift that's demanded is no gift at all." He does not demand our love, but waits patiently and rejoices when another one turns to His love and He reciprocates unashamedly-much more than we deserve!
Thank you for bringing this Good News to hurting hearts, Andrew. And for being unafraid to love, even if it hurts to let go.
~Tammy
Tammy, this is beautiful. Thank you so much!
DeleteOddly enough, I have been reading through the Narnia books, and this evening started The Last Battle.
There are parallels, though they were unintentional. Puzzle had a life that she didn't understand, and she didn't comprehend why she'd been discarded...but when she came home with us, she took to it as if she'd never lived anywhere else.
And you're right. I'll never surrender. I am...in all seriousness...living the dream. It's my chance to show the world that a manic sort of toughness can have its uses!
Thank you so much for being here, my friend.
Aw, Andrew, I'm so sorry for the loss of your non-human person. Lifting you and Barbara up in prayers.
ReplyDeleteAnita, thank you so much. The prayers are truly appreciated.
DeleteOh Andrew what a difficult task! Physically and mentally for you. Losing pets is so hard. We learn to love them so. You have made a difference in your little corner of the world and don't you dare ever think otherwise. Sitting behind you at #2 tonight.
ReplyDeleteNo, I won't dare think otherwise, Christy! The difference I made is reflected in how much Barbara and the other dogs loved Puzzle.
DeleteIt is hard.
I am so sorry for your loss. Thankful God gave you the strength to bury her. You and Barbara gave her a wonderful life. God bless you. Sending hugs and prayers.
ReplyDeleteIt was a labour of love, Michele, burying my friend. And when I did, I thought..."Rommie has another play pal!"
DeleteThank you so much for the hugs and prayers. Still pretty beat up, physically and mentally, and I do need them.
Oh Andrew. Your Rapunzel sounds like an amazing dog. I'm so, so sorry for her loss. I hear the emptiness in your words. I'm praying for you. And I'll say it again, when we all get to heaven, you'd better introduce me to her. You have an amazing heart, my friend.
ReplyDeleteAnd we, none of us, live exactly the life we think we will. We fall short of our expectations, don't meet our goals, don't get to experience all our dreams. But your life has touched many of us out here in internet-land. And don't short-change that. Who you are—your honesty and encouragements speak on a deep level to my (and I know) other hearts.
Thank you for being a life-giver—to your dogs—and to the people who are blessed to know you.
Jeanne, thank you...the introduction will be a privilege.
DeleteAnd so has the chance to touch lives through this medium. It's been totally unexpected...I could not have 'planned' this, because I'm really not a techie. Barbara has a SmartPhone...I know how to accidently end a call, and that's about it.
Becoming part of this community has been the most important thing in my life, and well worth the pain and heartache it took to get here. This is the work I was meant to do.
Thank you so much for being here today.
Puzzle sounds like a great companion...in life and in death. So thankful you aren't surrendering my friend. Continually praying. I'm in the #13 spot this week.
ReplyDeleteTara, thank you...she was and is a great companion, and friend. For the last eight years her sleeping crate was next to the ottoman on which I try to sleep when I can, and the last thing I'd hear if I was indeed able to doze off would be her breathing.
DeleteAnd no surrender. Never.
Thank you so much for the prayers, my friend.
Don't surrender, brother. We stand with you. My heart breaks for the loss of Puzzle. I HATE that you fell into the grave. Good grief, dude... Hugs to Barb and of course one for you, but a gentle, soft one. xo
ReplyDeleteI won't give up, Susan. I don't know how.
DeleteFalling into the grave was quite an experience...it hurt, but looking up at the sky I realized how much I love being alive, even when it hurts. And falling in DID hurt. A lot.
The hugs are appreciated...and gentle and soft is best. A bear-hug would drop me, from pain and shock!
So sorry to hear about Puzzle but it's great that you gave her those happy years and made such a difference to her. Praying for you- and I'm glad you're not surrendering.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much, Carly...it was a two-way street, for she brought sunshine to all our lives.
DeleteWe so appreciate the prayers!
Life has been emotional for me lately. The life of Puzzle and your part in loving her is vivid and touching. More tears. I agree with you, you made and are making a difference, maybe not all that you wished it to be, but a difference in a good way, and that matters. Bless you. May the dance continue...
ReplyDeleteNorma, thank you...your comment, and transparency, mean a lot to me, and I am grateful for your sharing.
DeleteLife isn't what I wished...but if I could trade it for those dreams I had, I wouldn't. There would be no need for thought; it would just be a flat, No, and I'd stay here.
The dance does continue...and my One Word for 2016 is SnOoPyDaNcE!
So sorry to hear about losing your Snowflake (I'll use the name you wanted to give her)...she is lucky to have had you for the 8 years. It must have been really hard to bury her by yourself...
ReplyDeletecontinuing to think of you and Barb as well as the other side-kicks!
barbara, thank you so much for your kind words, and for using 'Snowflake'!
DeleteIt was hard to bury her alone, but on the other hand...it was right. Does that make sense?
We really appreciate the kind thoughts and prayers.
Sorry to hear about your friend. Our pets become very close to us and it's always hard when we lose a dear pal.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much, Rachel...it is hard, both for us and for the canine brothers and sisters left behind.
DeleteWe so appreciate your being here!
Oh friend... I am so sorry for your loss. I'm so glad that you got to be her human and to love on her and give her a great life! I am just learning the depth of puppy love... thanks for the Zig recommendation on my blog... I will definitely look into that! Blessings brother! You are loved and prayed for, my friend!
ReplyDeleteKarilee, thank you! I really think you'll enjoy Zig's book...and if you can get the audio version, do so, because it has a warmth and immediacy that shouldn't be missed.
DeleteWe so appreciate the love and prayers; they are what makes it possible for me to keep writing.
Andrew, how thankful we are that you can write: "news of my surrender has been greatly exaggerated." I didn't quite know how to react to this post. I smiled, felt tearful, laughed and sighed. You life and writing are impacting lives far more than you know. We devour your words, ache for the pain and losses you experience (especially your dear dog, Puzzle - so sorry to hear of her death), smile at your humorous, vivid anecdotal descriptions and feel grateful to touch base with you here.
ReplyDeleteKeep on as long as you can, my friend. I'm sure Barbara and the dogs treasure every moment they have with you. And it's pretty evident God's not finished with you yet. My prayer is for relief from the awful sickness and pain, and rest for body and soul. May you experience the gift of peace this side of heaven.
Joy, your kind and loving words mean so much...I am so grateful
DeleteI will keep going as long as possible, because this place, this community...it's what keeps me writing and engaged.
And yes, I do treasure each moment I have with Barb and the dogs, too.
Thank you so much for being here!
I'm sorry for your loss, Andrew. I'm thankful God has blessed you with these companions at this time of your life. Continued prayers for you and Barbara.
ReplyDeleteJune, yes...they are truly a blessing. I can't really talk, and with them, I don't have to. That means so much.
DeleteThank you so much for your presence, and your prayers. We truly appreciate both.
This is my first time to visit your blog and already I am touched by your story and by your words. I'm sorry for your loss. Our four legged friends offer so much to us through their presence and unconditional love. From the comments above, it seems you too have offered much to many through your presence and your words. Blessings!
ReplyDeleteDarlene, I really appreciate your stopping by and commenting. Your presence here means lot to us.
DeleteYou're right about the dogs offering unconditional love. It's a lesson we probably all can learn.
Andrew, I'm sorry to read about Puzzle. What a beautiful friend she must have been. I continue to lift you and Barbara in my prayers. Praying today God touches you in a special way with His presence. Bless you, brother!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much, Julie. Puzzle was indeed special, and in both my reactions, and seeing the reactions of the dogs (still very solemn, and visiting her grave) I am seeing the depth of her presence.
DeleteI was truly privileged to now her.
Thank you so much for the prayers...we really appreciate this support. And need it.
Oh, Marie...yes, she's romping with your pals, and with Jesus...and I bet he really likes getting knocked flat on His back, because that was a Puzzle specialty!
ReplyDeleteBless you, my friend.
Of course not, Andrew! Any news of your surrendering to death is spread by those who do not know you! ;-)
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry to hear about your beloved Puzzle dying. She sounds like a special dog and great fun to be around. I love that you danced with her and that she "giggled" too! What an animated animal she must have been. I bet she got some of her playful nuances from the fact that she'd been through the ringer in life. That's reflective of you too, my friend. Always throwing us for a loop in one way or another--by word or by life lived to its fullest. I'll be praying that you find Christ's comfort in this loss. I'm certain that He grieves with you, my friend.
Man, what a loss for you, Andrew. A fine companion indeed. I truly am sorry to hear this news ...
ReplyDeleteSweet puppy.... so sorry to hear of that loss! But you did make all the difference in the world to her, and that is so incredibly beautiful and valuable. Not a sparrow falls!
ReplyDeleteSo sorry to hear of Puzzle's passing and the pain that is left in your heart, Andrew. Praying you feel God's comfort embrace you. Continuing to lift you and Barbara up in prayer. Have been quieter lately, spending time preparing a book for publication, but haven't forgotten you.
ReplyDelete