This week's word is...well, I don't know yet. I'm writing in advance, and if you read these words it means I wasn't able to get a word-specific post together. I'm sorry, Kate.
First...many thanks to those who have sent cards, and to those I have not emailed yet...please forgive me. Barb only collects the mail once a week or so (remote rural box), and...I'm very tired.
But please know that they mean the world to me. Truly.
Okay, here we go.
I knew this day would come; I'm wearing out. It's getting too tiring to do more than the minimum, just the bare necessities...and some days, not even these.
Pain, nausea, and other, less pleasant things are taking a toll, and I am beginning to see that it's not recoverable.
There's still so much to do...bring Emerald Isle in self-published form, along with a couple of other completed novels...finish the sequel to Blessed Are The Pure Of Heart (it's nearly done), finish my Civil War novel, Lady Stonewall...and most important, finish my Viet Nam narrative, Travels With The Dude (and where else will you find Marines contemplating a pinup of Katherine Ann Porter?). You can read the latest installment of The Dude's story here, if you'd like.
There are two inspirational self-help books, as well, Your Winning Season, and Keeping The Vow - Christian Marriage In A Pagan World.
And Unsung Heroes Of The Bible, which features such worthies as Uriah the Hippie, Tobit's Dog, and the Rich Young Ruler.
Oh, sorry...Uriah was a Hittite, wasn't he?
And there are airplanes I have been working on, that I'd like to finish...and fly (real ones, not models).
But the tools are quiet now, and so, largely, is the keyboard.
I dreaded this, but the funny thing is that it's not nearly as fearsome as I had thought it would be.
Because, you see, I can still do something, like writing this post. (I have to confess that I'm cheating; as mentioned above, I am writing it long before the word is revealed, and will be editing it to drag the given keyword in by its hair, kicking and screaming...if I can And I'm not setting a timer. I can't do that today. This is being written in fits and starts. Call it 3-Hour Friday. )
My days are much more 'reading' than 'writing'. A good cigar, and energy drink (but where's the energy?), and a good book...and a houseful of quiet dogs who understand that the best support they can give is their loving, warm presence.
Don't get me wrong; I'm not going gently into that good night, but the fight I can bring is exactly that...what I can still bring, and it's much more a matter of attitude.
Not militance, but the knowledge that I don't have to quit. That quiet resistance is still resistance.
That even when I'm too tired to do much else, there's still something worth doing.
That as long as I keep a hopeful heart in spite of the pain, there is still room for a miracle.
And that the miracle is here every day, precisely because I have and keep that hopeful heart.
I may not have keyed in the word for this week...we'll see tonight. But I'm happy with this, right now.
That's it.
Addendum...Kate graciously let me know in advance that the word is FOCUS. I'm not up to retooling the above, but here's 'something'...
A Texas oilman had two sons who wanted, more than anything, to be cattle ranchers. So he bought them a ranch, on the condition that they let him name it.
They agreed, and asked what he wanted to call the spread.
"Focus," he said.
Say WHAT?
"Sure. because it's where the sons raise meet."
As a final word, I wrote a post this week that I kind of liked, on caregiving, dying, and the Lord's Prayer. If you're interested, you can find it here.
The musical inspiration for this post came from Coldplay...
If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.
Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links (they're 99 cents each). And if you'd like a free PDF, please email me at tempusfugit02 (at) gmail (dot) com, and I'll gladly send them
Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links (they're 99 cents each). And if you'd like a free PDF, please email me at tempusfugit02 (at) gmail (dot) com, and I'll gladly send them
Andrew, it's been a while since I've been on your blog, and I'm sad to hear you're feeling worse. But as always, your posts inspire me to praise God for giving us grace even in the hardship. Your perspectiev on life, your desire to fight to the end and be strong--it's so very inspiring. Thank you, as always, for being real, honest, and transparent. Keep writing, brother!
ReplyDeleteAsheritah, it's so nice to see you here...and thank you for the kind words and thoughts! They mean the world to me, and inspire me to keep going, come what may.
DeleteGod bless, my friend.
Thank you for your real honesty posts. I always love reading your posts!! Sorry, I missed the card send outs but just remember you and Barbara are being prayed for daily for me.
ReplyDeleteYour fmf friend parked at 13 this week
Miranda, thank you! We appreciate the prayers more than we can say...and your being here is special. Blessings to you!
DeleteWrite, with or without the prompt, write. And by the way, I think all of us were blessed to be able to send you cards. Can I just say for all of us, we love you and Barbara. Always praying. Parked at #8 tonight
ReplyDeleteChristy, the love that surrounds us is felt, every day...and appreciated so very, very much.
DeleteAnd Hawaii is one of Barbara's very favourite places!
Andrew, thank you for your transparency. I've said it before. You inspire me. I so appreciate your words of life, your raw, honest truthfulness, the strength you share, and the encouragement you offer. Know that you are in my prayers, often through the days and nights.
ReplyDeleteKeep that hopeful heart, my friend. Keep that hopeful heart.
Thank you, Jeanne...it's funny...the worse things get, the easier it is, in a way, to keep the hopeful heart...maybe because the hope is focused, and unencumbered by the things that normally Christmas-tree one's life.
DeleteThank you so much for being here, and for the prayers!
I think even without knowing you grasped the concept of the prompt this week! I always love reading your writing. You're honest and transparent and just how God made you! Prayers my friend!!
ReplyDeleteFMF#17 this week.
Kadie, thank you! I do my best to get the things down on 'paper'...and not to flinch from clicking 'publish' on the harder ones.
DeleteI so appreciate your being here, and especially your prayers.
I cannot bear that this page of gold will be quiet one day. You have too many words to get out - to share with us. Andrew, but when you are too tired to keep on, I for one will reluctantly release you to enter the gates. My mom will be there because she's on the greet team - she's the one who looks like Queen Esther and she loves to talk. Tell her you know me. OK? And, that I'm fighting the good fight the best I know how, with fingers on keyboard. I love you Andrew with the long last name. (((xo))) for Barb.
ReplyDeleteI'll be looking for your Mom, Susan. And I will tell her of your courage.
DeleteI love you, too, Susan. You're a hero, and an inspiration...and you're one of the people who I keep in mind whenever I write. I want to make you proud.
xo passed on to Barbara!
Andrew, I love your 3 hour Friday post. And I'm sorry to hear you're feeling worse. Do you know what? When I woke up this morning, I prayed for you. First thing. Before I got out of bed, God brought you to mind. He must know you need extra prayer today. He sees you and He loves you. He'll be rejoicing when you get to heaven even though it will be sad for everyone else. Say hi to Susan Shipe's mom for me too. And to my sweet Texas grandma, Doris Fry.
ReplyDeleteBetsy, I've been praying for Andrew since the wee hours too. I told my husband this morning, "I'm sad." I'm sure Doris and Terri are having a ball dancing on the streets of gold!
DeleteBetsy, and Susan...your prayers mean more to me than you may know. The severity of pain engenders a loneliness that is in itself physically felt...and the prayers I feel, 'coming from all directions, those are the sum of my strength. I'm nothing alone any more. I've run this race, and have fallen...and find myself carried.
DeleteI'm so sorry to hear that you are feeling worse. I always look forward to checking your page, even if I don't always comment.
ReplyDelete"quiet resistance is still resistance." - Oh yes. This is so, so true.
Amy, thank you so much! I truly appreciate your presence, and treasure your comments.
DeleteKeep going. xoxo
ReplyDeleteI won't quit 'till I'm dead, Shelli.
DeleteThank you so much for being here!
Andrew, I love your reading your posts for your raw honesty. I always want to comment but I never know what to say. So many things in my heart I want to say but I do not know how to put them into words. So I am going to focus on two things. First, I am very curious about Lady Stonewall. I am a Civil War history buff and one of the people I always find interesting is Stonewall Jackson. Does this novel has anything to do with him?
ReplyDeleteSecond, THANK YOU for the post you linked about caregiving. I was my father's caregiver when my dad was diagnosed with cancer. My mother simply could not handle it. It was hard and you beautifully described it on your post. I am not very eloquent when it comes to describing that experience and I was in tears reading your post because I saw so much of that time in your post. I thank God for people who can put into words so much feeling. Continued prayers for you.
Oh, Maria! Having to step in as the caregiver is rough, and I admire the courage that underlines your words. And...there is eloquence and heart in your brevity.
Delete'Lady Stonewall' is a 'what-if' story...what if the Confederate navy's last and best ironclad, the CSS Stonewall, had been finished a bit earlier...and what if the chosen navigator had been killed in a duel, and the replacement chosen was Ellen Cressy, a woman who actually was a navigator on the China tea trade?
And it goes from there...
This sounds like a great story!
DeleteContinuing to pray for you, friend!
ReplyDeleteRachel, thank you so much. Prayers mean everything, and I know now that they always have.
DeleteAndrew,
ReplyDeleteI was feeling sick last night but I did read your post. For some reason, you made me cry. It reminded me of Charlotte's Web when Charlotte is near her end and is softly and gently speaking to Wilbur.
This was a touching piece and one of your best again! And wait-your book! Is there really a sequel?! I had no idea!!! I'm "dying" to get a copy! ;) (nobody else will appreciate that joke. It will seem cold.)
So know that you are dear and loved by many. Praying peace and joy in your day today.
-Tammy
Tammy, I had the same reaction as you.
DeleteI LOVE the joke, and I'm dying to get the sequel finished...and yes, there is one. It's largely complete, just a bit of bridging between scenes.
DeleteI'm so sorry you weren't feeling well...I hope, as I write this, that you're better.
And I may have mentioned this, but Wilbur is one of my favourite people. When I read the moto slogan 'Dream Big' I always think, "Dream Pig"...and I think of Wilbur.
Thank you so much for being here, my friend1
You are our friend. We don't like these words because they have the forlorne sound of goodbye. I feel sad, I don't like to say goodbye. Yet, it's not really a good bye, it's a "see ya later." I expect. Last night, like some of the others, I was praying for you, for your physical body that God would do some of His magic on your behalf, and that He would ease your pain. It's hard to believe that He would silence your message, but we aren't God, and we know not His perfect plan. Your outlook and courage is remarkable. Thank you for your friendship. Still praying, Norma
ReplyDeleteNorma, thank you so much...things are beginning to feel valedictory, yes. I don't want to go, and while I hope for a miracle, I keep in mind that salvation through the Cross IS the miracle...and who could ask for more?
DeleteYou didn't have to drag yourself over to Hope Heart Home but I'm glad you did. Hackensack...oh yeah. xoxo for you and Barb.
ReplyDeleteHackensack. Union Street...and in 2005, the house was still there.
Deletexo's for The B delivered, Susan!
Oh yeah, I prayed for you most of the night every time I woke up and I do that a lot.
ReplyDeleteSusan, we so appreciate the prayers. Truly, truly, truly.
DeleteDon't worry about replying. We understand you've got more important things to consider and take care of. I do hope you continue to share your stories though. We need your example of strength and faith.
ReplyDeleteI hope you and your fam will be okay.
Lux, thank you...it is getting hard to come back and rely, but it's something I find that I need...because in writing replies to these lovely, gracious comments, I learn.
DeleteAnd I will keep going as long as possible.
And the family will be OK.
Thank you so much for being here!
Andrew, regarding your comment on an article about Darth Vader....I just wanted to say to you, dont forget your arc, your wife wont. The difficult moments are just that...momemts. There are so many moments though and when the pain ebbs, even just for a minute, its then you can again be the hero at the height of your arc. Say thank you, I love you, and remember when? It is enough and trust me in the end those of us left behind, when we reminisce, its about the good, kind, sweet and loving hero moments because those are the ones in our hearts. Those are the moments we will choose, trust me. Its like child birth, hours and days of pain, writhing, screaming and then the child comes and with it joy, love, peace and we forget the moments that led up to the birth. It is the same with death, after all the pain, comes peace, and loving joyful memories of the hero. Be blessed.
ReplyDeleteTracy, you said this beautifully...not forgetting one's arc is vital, and forgetting is so easy to do!
DeleteThe arc is the love is the trust is the memory.
Thank you so much for being here, and bringing a clarity I could never have found alone!
Andrew, you continue to inspire beyond the words you share. It's hard to know what to say to you sometimes because words feel so inadequate. Who can fully comprehend another's challenges and pain? Only God. And He holds you both so tenderly. May you sense the load also being held by us as we pray you through this journey back to the Father's arms, all the while still holding out for that miracle to happen. Keep on writing when you can. Your creative productivity is prodigious and much will live on as a legacy. But please don't concern yourself over replying. Do save your incredibly limited energy for being with Barbara, being close, loving one another as much as you are able to.
ReplyDeleteI do feel the energy and support of the prayers, Joy, and it is really the only thing that keeps me writing now. The reflection of God's love in these prayers gives my heart wings.
DeleteI didn't think I would be able to do the replies this time...but I find them necessary, because they are first, a part of Love in Action...and second, I learn a lot. About the subject at hand, about myself, but mostly...about God.
Thank you so much for being here!
Still praying for you my friend, still praying. I wish we'd met sooner in this life, but we have plenty of time when we both get to the other side.
ReplyDeleteFriends forever, Paul. I knew that from the first.
DeleteThank you for being here!
"But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience." Praise the Lord that that unseen hope is the most certain of all, by the grace of the Lord from whose love nothing can separate us. Praying that that love will uphold you today.
ReplyDeleteThanks for visiting my blog: your story made me laugh!
Stacy, I love that Scripture! Thank you so much!
DeleteAnd in visiting your blog...recalling the story made me laugh, too.
Your hopeful heart is an inspiration, Andrew. I'm thankful that you're able to share your heart with us. Continued prayers, Lisa
ReplyDeleteThank you, Lisa...I'm so grateful for your presence here, your kind thoughts and words, and most especially your prayers.
Deleteand yet, you're still commenting on everyone else's blogs. you're still loving all of us in the midst of your own misery.
ReplyDeleteCan I be like you when I grow up? I surely attain to be. Your life has changed mine in the small window our paths have crossed.
I hate that we've only recently met here through the internet, friend. I wish I've had longer time to know you and gain wisdom from someone as loving and smart as you. I reckon I'd have gained a lot from you if circumstances were different. but for what it's worth, in the small time we've known each other I've already learned so much. You've made me want to be a better version of myself. And you've shown such kindess and love to me, a seemingly stranger on the internet. And I'm so, so, so grateful.
I pray for rest and peace and all that you need. You are so dearly loved. Thank you for loving us so much as well.
Jordan, you've just made me cry. Good tears.
DeleteAnd it is your example, along with those of all my friends, that lets me admit that publicly. I've grown so much, in being a part of this community, that I think I would no be recognized by the Me of, say, three years ago.
You've changed my life too, Jordan. Your courage and honesty touch...and sometimes pierce my heart, and you are always in my prayers.
My prayers continue to be for you and Barbara as you keep fighting, Andrew. Thank you so much for sharing yourself with us.
ReplyDeleteLynette
Lynette, it's me who should be thanking you, and everyone here, for now I am being carried. My strength is about gone, but the prayers of this wonderful community allow the work to go on.
DeleteAnd it will go on, for as long as I draw breath.
Thank you so much for being here!
Andrew, I am so thankful you wrote, even before the prompt was released. I am so sorry to hear that you are feeling worse. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers.
ReplyDeletebarnie, thank you so much...life is becoming a bit like Groundhog Day at the Alamo. The Deguello is ringing on the clear dawn air, and I have to stand to. Again.
DeleteWe so appreciate the prayers!
You have such an indomitable spirit, Andrew, that I am having a hard time believing you're actually stepping back. I certainly don't blame you. I would have given in to the pain and suffering much sooner than you ever have or did. You know that I pray daily for you, but I will begin to pray for the many book projects you are trying to complete and for their success in publishing too. I know that has been a labor of love and am so very grateful for it. Hugs to you, sweet friend. You are quite an amazing man!
ReplyDeleteBeth, thank you so much! Having to step back is hard, but the body can only be lashed into performance for awhile. The whip no longer works, but I'll keep doing what I can.
DeleteAnd this blog will hold out to the end.
Thank you so much for being here, and for your love and support and prayers.
So, I'm commenting again, Andrew & Barb because you don't leave my mind and heart. Today I was driving up the mountain toward home after spending 24 hours with my daughter and her family and I was feeling exceedingly sad and joyful all mixed together. I was thinking about you Andrew and this is what I sense Holy Spirit was saying to me "He's holding on as long as he can but once he steps through these gates? He's going to wonder why he held so tight." I mean, the Lord and I were really having a dialogue about this. We all long for "home" our real home, our eternal home and yet this earth sure keeps a lure on us. Crazy. I need to know one thing Andrew, HOW OLD ARE YOU IN PEOPLE YEARS? xo
ReplyDeleteWow, Susan...thank you so much. This is one to keep very close to our hearts...it means so much! And it's so true.
DeleteI'll email you my age, if you don't mind!
xo from both of us, Susan!
Andrew, I was away for the weekend, and just now trying to catch up with reading, yours as always is one I always do get to even if I am busy with retreats and family and whatever. And I can always depend on the fact that however bad - or good - you are feeling, you are always here with something for us to ponder; something inspirational; something thought-provoking...something of YOU. I appreciate your persistence and am persistent in praying for you and Barb...do what you can and rest in the other stuff!!
ReplyDeleteBarbara, thank you so much for being here!
DeleteFor me, this is the purpose to which God has turned my hand...and He makes it possible, so far, for me to keep showing up. I value you, and this community, more than I can possibly say.
And we very much appreciate the prayers!
I'm writing through tears. Your offering was lovely and full of grace Andrew. I feel as if I've missed a bright spot in the blogging world by not having known you. Know that in your struggle you've acquired another soul to pray with and for you and that a miracle is still something to hope for. Thanks so much for linking up at #GiveMeGrace! You inspire!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for this...and here you are now, and we've met...and I truly value your presence.
DeleteAnd your prayers are appreciated - and needed - more than I can say!