Would You Watch Your Spouse Die?

It's been a bit over a week since Brittany Maynard killed herself. You may remember - she was the young woman diagnosed with an aggressive form of brain cancer, who given a terminal prognosis, chose to move to Oregon to take advantage of that state's "death with dignity" law.

It's not for me to criticize her. She was the only one who knew what she was going through, and the only one who, in the end, knew her own mind.

But there are things to say, and questions to ask.

Dying sucks. Having one's world and facilities narrow week by week is discouraging, to say the least. Going from an athletic life to needing help in the toilet...and then to incontinence...well, no one's going to line up for that ride.

The Oregon law (followed by several other states, including my New Mexico) allows an individual with a terminal diagnosis that will result in death in six months to get a prescription from a 'participating' doctor for a lethal drug. Two requests have to be made, fifteen days apart, and the doctor has to be convinced that depression is not driving the rush to death.

So, an overdose of barbiturates. Off gently to sleep, while one is still relatively whole and happy. The Death With Dignity websites paint an appealing picture...you die in your own bed, in the arms of your family, at a time of your own choosing. You have time to say your goodbyes, and you can lay to rest the fear of unmanageable pain and humiliation as the disease progresses.

However...

What of the loved ones? If it's planned, and for 'everyone to be there' it has to be, they have a countdown...three days from now, at this hour, she'll be dead.

They have to wake on the morning of the day, and the hours that they're watching the clock and willing it to go slower will forever be etched in their minds.

They have to know the moment when the beloved has taken the dose, and know that a fuse has been lit. They have to watch the eyelids drop, and hear the speech slur.

And then...please excuse my describing this...they have to watch the body fight for life. The raison d'etre of the law is to allow suicide while the mind is sound and the body is capable, and such a body does not want to die.

Could you put your husband or wife through thaving to witness hat?

What of the doctor? Doctors have to take the Hippocratic oath...above all do no harm.

It has been argued that giving a patient a 'clean' way out does fall under the purview of the oath, that refusal to aid would be harmful.

I can understand this, but it requires some degree of mental sophistry, and undoubtedly a significant paradigm shift for the doctor. At least I hope it would be significant; we don't need more Dr.Kevorkians.

What of the effect on the doctor who writes the prescription? It's like putting a gun into the hand of a person bent on suicide. It's exactly like that.

And what of the pharmacist who fills the prescription...and, perhaps, the high-school student who's running the cash register? How can one compel them to help a person end his or her life, by being the link in the chain that passes along the drugs?

What of society? The flip side of "death with dignity" is that life in desperate pain and decreased function isn't worth living.

Is that the message we want to support, that only the young and the healthy and those not facing a brick-wall future have something to contribute?

Do we turn our backs on those at the doorway to eternity, and shush their voices with a pill and a Happy Talk Death With Dignity Poster?

Thi is already happening, under the new healthcare laws. Care is being rationed, and there are boards set up to decide who's going to get life-saving treatment, and who's going to get pallative care.

Age, not surprisingly, is a big factor in the decision-making process.

If you don't get the best effort to save your life, you'll get hospice.

Or, in the states in which it's legal...your new health insurance will pay for the suicide dose.

***

There are those who have called Ms. Maynard less than brave. I don't stand with them. I believe that she felt, in good conscience, that she was making the best choice she could. And there, for her, it should rest.

But I do stand against assisted suicide (and it was suicide, by any definition...this is not a place for euphemisms like "self-determination").

I have no quarrel with refusing extraordinary measures, or declining radiation and chemo. That's where I am in my life. We don't have to walk every road we're offered, and there's a huge difference between omission and commission.

Death isn't a scene in a movie, and neither is life. We can't, and shouldn't try to define how it "should" look.

We can only define how we react, when faced with it at last.

In our reaction is the final definition of our humanity, and the capstone of our legacy.

If you have a moment, please visit my other blog, "Starting the Day with Grace" at www.dailygracequote.wordpress.com, for a quotation and short commentary on grace in married life.

...and...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO THE UNITED STATES MARINE CORPS!