That's the basic energy-focus we all have, and so few of us ever use. Ki is centered in the lower abdomen, and a person who can harness his or her ki can become literally immovable. You can't lift an expert in ki off the ground, or throw him. The energy becomes some kind of weird gravitational attraction...and I would never have believed it until I experienced it.
So what does this have to do with lift, or terminal illness, or anything else?
Simple...what goes down can also go up. Ki is used in martial arts to gain an advantage in solidity and stability, but it can also be used in the opposite sense, to make one lighter than one really is. Upward-directed ki can let a master leap over his opponent, and do the mid-air pirouettes that you only see in Jackie Chan movies.
And it can lift the soul. Becoming attuned with one's ki, and thinking up makes you feel better. It gives a sense of hope and optimism that's so desperately needed some days. At least, it sure is for me.
And how do you find your ki? Close your eyes, and inhale. Feel your breath go down, down, down, and you will sense a spot just below the navel, that seems to gain focus as you allow your breath and mind to rest there.
That's your ki talking.
Don't force feelings, for now. Just become aware of it, as you live and breathe and move through your day.
Kind of like The Force.
The difference is, your ki really is with you.
And of course, the musical accompaniment is...
Marley update...he's received a lot of support, but STILL NEEDS HELP TO BE SAVED.
WE ARE MAKING A DIFFERENCE! He's up to nearly 200,000 signatures, but the local authorities are dragging their feet. They think that we'll give up and go away. We won't.
If you have a mment, I'd like to ask you to visit Change.org to consider a petition to free a 'death row dog' who has been separated from his family for ten months over a misunderstanding. Marley was saved from Afghanistan by a US serviceman; please help make sure this story doesn't end in needless tragedy! Marley's gotten a lot of support...but he still needs our help.
If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one. Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.
We're linked with Messy Marriage's From Messes To Messages. Please visit for some great marriage resources!
"I don't want to live any more."
These are the hardest words you'll ever hear from a terminally ill spouse, and as a caregiver there is a good chance that one day you will hear them.
And what do you do? What on earth can you say?
And how could your husband or wife say that to you?
It feels like a slap in the face. It makes the bet efforts you brought to caregiving, not to say your marriage, seem at best unappreciated, at worst worthless. It hurts.
It is not, however, about you. It's not a judgement on what you've done, or how well you've loved.
It's simply fatigue, pain, and fear.
Fatigue comes not only from the progress of an illness itself, which certainly drains energy, but also from the endless rounds of medical appointments and tests and waiting rooms and hospital stays and medications and...well, you get the drift. And the thing is, with a terminal illness, this doesn't end. It's a life sentence of feeling more and more like a piece of meat, being rushed along a conveyor belt and tested by harried and rushed doctors and technicians.
Pain may be physical, but it's also psychological, knowing the future that you aren't going to see. Walking through your house and realizing that it won't know your footsteps before long...and knowing, for some people at least, that your presence will be replaced. There will be another person in your seat at the table, another person on your side of the bed. And that hurts.
Fear isn't limited to fear of death; it's more proximally the fear of losing independence, or losing mobility, or having to wear 'adult diapers'. It's the fear of being phased out of life while you're still alive, and becoming chattel within your own home, within your marriage.
And sometimes, a person just wants it to end. There's no happy ending, but one can wish for an ending.
And what do you, as a caregiver, do?
First, don't try to belittle the statement, or counter it with "you have so much to live for!" You've got to show respect and consideration, and the best way to do that is with a simple, "I'm sorry."
Don't try to fix it. Don't append to the sympathy by saying something like, "I'm sorry...what can I do to help?"
You can't fix it, but you can build a road to healing by listening without judgement, and without making any of it about you.
You see, the spoken desire to die may well be a feeling, and feelings pass. It's hard to remain at the bottom of the pit forever, and there is every chance that your mate may begin the long climb back if you just offer a friendly and quiet hand.
That being said...this is something that should be mentioned to a medical professional, because it can be caused by medications...or the lack of them.
And, if it goes deeper than in most people, it can lead to serious depression...and in extreme cases, suicide.
There's an acronym I have for the best way to deal with someone who doesn't want to go on living...it's LIFT.
Listen without judging or interrupting Inform the healthcare team Forbear to take any of it personally, even when it feels personal. Touch with a loving heart, and no demands.
What do you think? Other strategies?
Marley update...he's received a lot of support, but STILL NEEDS HELP TO BE SAVED.
WE ARE MAKING A DIFFERENCE! He's up to nearly 200,000 signatures, but the local authorities are dragging their feet. They think that we'll give up and go away. We won't.
If you have a mment, I'd like to ask you to visit Change.org to consider a petition to free a 'death row dog' who has been separated from his family for ten months over a misunderstanding. Marley was saved from Afghanistan by a US serviceman; please help make sure this story doesn't end in needless tragedy! Marley's gotten a lot of support...but he still needs our help.
If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one. Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.
These words have been in my heart lately, when I've thought that my life is no longer a lesson but a mindless beasting, a gang initiation that never stops.
And it comes to the mind of every caregiver, and is often either unacknowledged or admitted in shame..."How could I want to move on? This is so disloyal..."
When time seems stuck, and life seems to be a replay of The Fifty Worst Moments, yeah, you want to move on.
Don't beat yourself up. Even Jesus, on the Cross, wondered what it was all about. "Father, why have You forsaken Me?"
Here is a test to find out whether your mission on Earth is finished: if you're alive, it isn't.
And that is so true. I was ready to just throw in the towel and then I realized, from a Five Minute Friday prompt of Happy, that I am still happy, and that happiness is not found in either memory or anticipation; it's found in a complete acceptance of the Now. (You can read about it here.)
And for the caregiver...I knew a chap who watched the slow deterioration of the man who was not his father, but who had married his mother. Honour-bound to stand in interminable attendance to a man he truly loathed, he came to understand the real meaning of compassion.
It isn't about me. It's about what I can give to someone who needs what I alone can supply.
He found the lesson uncomfortable, but when the whole horrible exercise was done, he realized he was a better man.
The man God wanted him to be.
If your spouse is alive, past all reason and all patience...there is a reason.
And if you are alive, in spite of having lost so very much...you may still have a lesson to learn.
Or a lesson to teach.
Marley update...he's received a lot of support, but STILL NEEDS HELP TO BE SAVED.
WE ARE MAKING A DIFFERENCE! He's up to nearly 200,000 signatures, but the local authorities are dragging their feet. They think that we'll give up and go away. We won't.
If you have a mment, I'd like to ask you to visit Change.org to consider a petition to free a 'death row dog' who has been separated from his family for ten months over a misunderstanding. Marley was saved from Afghanistan by a US serviceman; please help make sure this story doesn't end in needless tragedy! Marley's gotten a lot of support...but he still needs our help.
If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one. Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.
Happy is something you can't chase, and it's not something that chases you.
Happy is transcendentally contained within each moment; apotheosis in time's mustard seed.
You've just got to accept it.
I thought that when I lost the ability to pursue my dreams, when my professional life faded away to nothing, when my very body became a jailer, that I would be unhappy.
Well, if I wanted that, unhappiness, I could have it. If I chose bitterness, it would be served up in super-sized portions.
But if I chose to be happy, the smallest of seeds would be placed on my plate.
And within that seed lies the key to eternity.
Marley update...he's received a lot of support, but STILL NEEDS HELP TO BE SAVED.
WE ARE MAKING A DIFFERENCE! He's up to nearly 200,000 signatures, but the local authorities are dragging their feet. They think that we'll give up and go away. We won't.
If you have a mment, I'd like to ask you to visit Change.org to consider a petition to free a 'death row dog' who has been separated from his family for ten months over a misunderstanding. Marley was saved from Afghanistan by a US serviceman; please help make sure this story doesn't end in needless tragedy! Marley's gotten a lot of support...but he still needs our help.
If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one. Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.
We're linked up with Messy Marriages From Messes To Messages - please visit for some great marriage resources!
It's kind of a cliche, and even grist for the stand-up comedy mill that personality changes happen during marriage..."Who are you and what did you do with my husband? And did you really cash in our IRA to buy a Corvette???"
Yes, mid-life-crises happen, and this manifestation is, hopefully, rarer than pop culture would have us believe.
But in the face of terminal illness, people do change. It's unavoidable - and here are some of the common causes:
The illness itself can bring about physical and chemical changes that affect personality and mood
Life becomes suddenly finite, and taking stock of the life one's lived can be disappointing
Social connections can be reduced as mobility and energy decline, leading to the problems caused by isolation
Medication can cause some pretty drastic side effects that can affect personality
First and foremost...if there is a drastic change in personality, especially one associated with a change in symptoms or medication, the doctor(s) have to be informed immediately.
That caveat aside, how does the caregiver cope?
First, it's important to differentiate between, generally, manic and depressive changes.
Manic changes can seem like almost a blessing - who would not want their terminally ill spouse to be happy? But there's a dark side of recklessness, and it's most often expressed financially. The 'live for the moment' attitude can lead to outlandish purchases, especially over the Internet, and more difficulties and heartaches down the road than there should be.
Depressive changes are more 'expected; someone who's dying isn't really supposed to be delighted about it. But there is a balance between a situational case of the blues and a real mind-numbing depression...and there is a point of no return beyond which that depression takes hold as something of a habit.
And that is a miserable place to be. For the patient, and for the caregiver.
What to do?
As a caregiver, maintain your own life to the degree possible. You are not dying as well; you are taking care of a loved one who is and your life will go on. That may seem unlikely, and thinking of it may feel disloyal, but it's the truth...and would your husband or wife want you to die with them? Maintain your friendships and interests in any way you can. Don't sacrifice yourself on your spouse's funeral pyre.
Keep a journal of your spouse's emotional state. It may seem coldly clinical, and even like spying, but it can be invaluable for a health-care professional to cross-check it against the proces of the illness and the medication regimen. You can't fix, or at least minimize a problem if you can't see it.
Watch your finances closely. If you see unusual spending habits, that might be a sign of a developing problem
Try to maintain as normal a social schedule as you can. Your mate may not be up to going to a dinner party, but dropping by and then leaving before the meal is served (with a word to the host beforehand) can keep alive the sense of community we all need.
Go to church, or, if your spouse can't, attend 'TV' church (and be regular; don't channel-surf). Maintaining a religious tradition is a huge help in keeping a person part of a wider world.
AND ABOVE ALL, REMEMBER, DEAR CAREGIVER...THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU. WHILE YOU MAY BECOME THE TARGET OF ANGER OR DESPAIR, IT'S NOT SOMETHING YOU BROUGHT ON. THIS IS ABOUT AN ILLNESS, AND THE DIFFICULTY IN FACING DEATH.
And yes, if you're wondering, I have changed. I will share those changes another time.
What can you add, in terms of strategies for coping with personality change?
Marley update...he's received a lot of support, but STILL NEEDS HELP TO BE SAVED.
WE ARE MAKING A DIFFERENCE! From a thousand signatures to OVER 160,000!
If you have a mment, I'd like to ask you to visit Change.org to consider a petition to free a 'death row dog' who has been separated from his family for ten months over a misunderstanding. Marley was saved from Afghanistan by a US serviceman; please help make sure this story doesn't end in needless tragedy! Marley's gotten a lot of support...but he still needs our help.
If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one. Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.
Although this series is focused on caregiving for a spouse with a terminal illness, it might be worthwhile to step back and look at situations when death is unexpected.
It can happen in a 'terminal' scenario; my beloved writing mentor, Marvin Mudrick, was diagnosed ith inoperable prostate cancer, and two days later suffered a massive heart attack. Two days instead of the year he and his family had been led to expect.
Quite a shock. And the terminal diagnosis eased none of it.
And there is this, the event which led to this post...the crash of a hot-air balloon near Lockhart, Texas, on the morning of July 30, 2016. The pilot and fifteen passengers were killed.
Each of those lives, cut off in mid-stream. Books unfinished, bills unpaid, pets waiting at home to be fed by hand that will never touch them again.
Hot-air ballooning is somewhat safer than taking a bath. No daredevils here; no one seeking instant apotheosis with the final words, "Hey, dude, watch this!"
Just some folks going for a quiet drift over the Texas farmland, and meeting a fiery death. On the news there was a haunting photo, taken from the gondola and sent to a friend by a passenger, twelve minutes before the end.It all looked so nice.
And the family has to pick up the pieces.
And they need caregivers.
They don't need to understand the reason why; they don't need platitudes about God calling people home.
They need help in tying up the loose ends of a life that is over. They need a cooked meal and a quiet place to cry.
They need the silence of...not "I understand", because you don't...but the silence of I am so sorry, and I will sit here with you, and talk if you want, so you know you're not alone.
They need a friend who understands that grief does not keep a calendar, a friend who will be here with the meals and the hugs this week and next week and next month and next year.
Grief can be in this for the long haul.
You want to be a caregiver for the suddenly bereft, you better put on your seven-league boots.
It's a long haul
AND YOU ARE NEEDED.
Marley update...he's received a lot of support, but STILL NEEDS HELP TO BE SAVED.
WE ARE MAKING A DIFFERENCE! From a thousand signatures to OVER 160,000!
If you have a mment, I'd like to ask you to visit Change.org to consider a petition to free a 'death row dog' who has been separated from his family for ten months over a misunderstanding. Marley was saved from Afghanistan by a US serviceman; please help make sure this story doesn't end in needless tragedy! Marley's gotten a lot of support...but he still needs our help.
If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one. Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.
Once again it is time for Five Minute Friday, the keyword-driven weekly timed writing challenge hosted by Kate Motaung.
The work this week - which I requested, and to which Kate graciously agreed, is HIDDEN.
Because I have found some hidden truths along this road.
We have a problem in dealing with death, here in the West. We don't like it; we try to keep ourselves looking young, we often send older family members to hospice care in a place where they are surrounded by strangers, and we pay a lot of money to have cheerful and attractive corpses at open-casket funerals.
We use euphemisms; he passed on, she went to be with the Lord. When was the last time you heard someone say, "He died."?
We don't like it because we see death as defeat and loss.
But the truth is that when we push the awareness of death to the edges of our consciousness, like an obnoxious party-guessed shouldered outside, we're losing something now.
We're losing the present moment to that hidden fear we don't want to name, and we're losing honour, in the way a dying man may shamefully try to bargain with God.
Why do we hide from death? Is it that we find life of such worth that we must cling to it at all costs?
Is it that we want one more chance to make our lives right, to erase regrets, and to die with a clean balance sheet and our goals reached?
Is it that important to cross out every item on your Bucket List?
Do we really think we can find a way to hide from death?
Before I married I was a different breed of cat. IAs you may know I'm Asian, and practiced Zen Buddhism (thought I did then believe in Christ's divinity and sacrifice, as I do now). I meditated long and regularly, and took every moment to be sure I remained in the moment. I tried to make my soul a still pond, a mirror of whatever the sky chose to show.
I was a happy man. I needed little, and wanted less.
But when I took on the mantle of the householder I felt I had to be different, for Barbara's sake and for the sake of her family, that I would not be too weird to accept.
It didn't work well. I tried to keep what I truly am hidden from others, and for sure hidden from myself.
I tried to be the Western Christian churchgoing suburbanite. (And they still thought I was weird.)
And it led me to fear pain, and illness, and death. I spent far too many moments regretting the goals I would not reach, and hoping to outlast the reaper for another season. I took things of great importance far too seriously, and those of little significance I treated with shameful neglect. (This is not the fault of Christianity...it was my error in trying to be that which I was not, and bury that which I was, which is a Christian Zen Buddhist.)
But hidden streams have a way of resurfacing, and mine has. I've come to realize that very basic, hidden truth...
Accepting death is the way to freedom in each moment, and the acceptance of death comes at the death of ego.
We all want to live, but the only way to really live is to be present in each moment, not looking ahead with anticipation nor back with regret.
The next moment will be what it is, and if I live, fine. If I die in the next minute, this post won't be complete but my life will be, and I am OK with that. I am ready. I would like to see tomorrow, but I'm not desperate for it. Better to enjoy today, and tomorrow in its time, if it comes.
Ego wants to catch us in a cage of clocks and calendars, bound to past and future by tendons so tight that they can only be severed with pain.
When we really need to be flowers, which are born to be cut, and which beauty always was transient, and meant to be so.
My honour is not lost by the mistakes I've made in the past. If I have my honour at the moment of my death, that is as much as any man can ask, and it is enough.
Life is composed of the small and the large, and it''s incumbent upon me to treat the small with respect and value, and not to puff up the large to the size that it dominates all, leaving no room for Life.
Make no mistake, I'll fight with everything I have to live. And I can fight all the harder, knowing I have nothing to lose, and nothing to fear.
Hagakure, the sayings of Yamamoto Tsunetomo which were recorded 1709-16, is the book that codified the concept of bushido, the way of the Japanese Samurai. (You can find a summary of Hagakurehere.)
It's all about accepting death in order to live more fully, and live up to one's responsibilities, and maintain one's honour.
The title, Hagakure, can be translated as hidden by leaves.
Interesting how the most basic truths are the ones we don't often clearly see.
Time to go sit zazen.
And yes, there were Christian Samurai.
(Side-note - I wrote this, and it took more than five minutes, ahead of time...and death nearly came for me a few minutes ago. I could feel my heart slow, and stop, and hesitantly start again, aided by Ladron leaping onto my chest when she saw what was happening. I'm a bit shaky at the moment.)
And here's a musical theme, which you may remember from the 80s (does anyone want to remember 80s music?)
And yes, given my work history, Barbara does call me her Secret Asian Man.
Marley update...he's received a lot of support, but STILL NEEDS HELP TO BE SAVED.
WE ARE MAKING A DIFFERENCE!
If you have a mment, I'd like to ask you to visit Change.org to consider a petition to free a 'death row dog' who has been separated from his family for ten months over a misunderstanding. Marley was saved from Afghanistan by a US serviceman; please help make sure this story doesn't end in needless tragedy! Marley's gotten a lot of support...but he still needs our help.
If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one. Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.
