Your Dying Spouse 311 - Frequencies

In his wonderful science-fiction novel Out Of The Silent Planet, C.S. lewis postulated the existence of creatures whose bodies were made up of 'movements', something along the line of atomic vibrations (which isn't so far wrong).

He suggested that bodies which moved at different 'speeds' might have difficulty seeing one another, much as our eyes, designed for the visible spectrum, can't see lower or higher wavelengths of light (infrared or ultraviolet).

This can definitely apply to the caregiver-patient relationship, especially when the caregiving spouse is still in the workforce. barbara has often said to me that she has to slow waaaay down when she comes home; she works in a high-pressure, high-speed environment with a number of high-achieving 'switched-on' people who are used to getting large amounts of work done very quickly and with flawless accuracy.

Segue to home...her normal workaday speed has to be forcibly reduced to what is to her, a crawl. It can't be pleasant, but there's no way that my mind, speech, and movement can match hers.

It's a conundrum that can lead to frustration, misunderstandings, and even hurt feelings...on both sides.

So what can you, as the caregiver, do?

If you're living at a distinctly higher frequency because of the requirements of your job, there's not much you can do. Going from fast to slow and back again is exhausting, and it's an unreasonable demand to make on someone who's having to wear the caregiver and worker hats.

Not much you can do, but there are some things:

• Share your day with your patient/spouse. Don't boast or complain, but just relate what you've done through the day. It'll slow you down a bit, and let you 'decompress', and will bring your spouse closer to your speed in vicarious participation.
• Exercise vigorously if you can,even for a short time each day. You'll feel better, and will be more apt to relax.
• Eat healthy, and or obvious reasons, go easy on caffeine. Reducing sugar and carbs reduces the dynamic tension of restless nervous energy and ennui that can be so exhausting.
• Pray together daily. It's the best way to match frequencies, even for a few minutes

There are some things that your husband or wife can do, too...even being ill.

• Exercise to the limit of one's ability. Exercise speeds up the metabolism and makes the body function more efficiently, making it easier to match speed with a high-frequency mate.
• Remain engaged with the world to the greatest extent possible by keeping up correspondence or social media that adheres to a schedule. If you become a part of a blogging community, you'll be expected by others to show up regularly, and at a certain time of day, and it is important to these your virtual friends that you are there. It also makes it harder to retreat from life, because you're accountable for your participation.
• Dress and grooming should meet social norms; flip-flops are cargo shorts are fine, but a dressing-gown is not, except if you're bedridden. Appropriate dress begets appropriate thought, and engagement.
• Be involved in your caregiver/working spouse's life to the degree possible. I try to make sure that Barbara has breakfast and lunch ready to go when she leaves, along with something to drink. I email a day-specific prayer timed to arrive when she arrives at work, and select Scripture for her in an email at lunch. It makes me feel like a part of her day and that I can, at least to some degree, keep up.

What do you think? What are some other ways a caregiving spouse and patient can help match frequencies?

We're linked with Messy marriage's From Messes To Messages - please drop by for some outstanding marriage resources!

Still hoping to get the new and improved version of Blessed Are The Pure Of Heart up and running in the near future. Just haven't had the energy to do it yet...but if you would like to read it, please say so in your comment and I'd be glad to send you a PDF (which should fit your Kindle).

I have another blog, "Starting The Day With Grace". The focus is a grace quote from someone you might not expect (like, say Mick Jagger) and a short commentary. I hope you'll join me.

Marley update... been moved to a sanctuary, and Bay County will revise their 'dangerous dog' codes.

WE MADE A DIFFERENCE!

And marley has a Facebook page! Please drop by to see how happy he is today.

If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.

Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.

Your Dying Spouse 310 - Seeking Absolution

Another short post. Kind of sick this weekend.

As a caregiver for a terminally ill husband or wife, you may find that there are things for which you feel the desire or need to atone...while there's time. (And this applies to patients, as well.)

Every marriage has its bad points, from the minor to the devastating. And seeing death coming, you may feel an almost desperate need to try to make it right.

But before you do, ask yourself exactly why you want to go down this road.

If it's to heal a wound that's still open, something that still looms like a wall between you, then do it (preferably in the presence of a counselor). Own up, and try to move on.

But if it's something that's been largely forgotten, or something your spouse didn't know about, then you may be contemplating this action to gain forgiveness for yourself from the one you've wronged.

It's a very human need, but on't forget your position...you're the main support for someone who's dying, and to put it bluntly, he or she may have quite enough burdens in facing death than to have to care for your self-inflicted psychic injuries.

That's harsh, but facing balance of life and death every day is, for your spouse, a harsh schooling.

If you truly need absolution, take your past transgressions to the Lord, either directly or through a pastor or priest. Own up to them, in your own heart, without excuse or explanation.

And then let them go.

Ovr to Linkin park for the musical theme...

A bit of news..."Blessed Are The Pure Of Heart" has come home! Tate Publishing has gone south, and I regained the rights, so it'll soon be available in both Kindle hardcopy versions once again. In the meantime, if you absolutely can't wait (!), you can still get used copies from Amazon.

I have another blog, "Starting The Day With Grace". The focus is a grace quote from someone you might not expect (like, say Mick Jagger) and a short commentary. I hope you'll join me.

Marley update... been moved to a sanctuary, and Bay County will revise their 'dangerous dog' codes.

WE MADE A DIFFERENCE!

And marley has a Facebook page! Please drop by to see how happy he is today.

If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.

Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.

Your Dying Spouse 309 - Never Go Full Retard {FMF}

Five Minute Friday again, and again I am writing ahead. I will try to work in the keyword when it's revealed. Apologies, but it's just the way it is.

(The word is MOM.)

I have a confession...I almost violated Robert ("I'm just a dude playin' a dude disguised as another dude!) Downey Jr.'s Prime Directive...

Never go full retard.

This post was originally written as  meditation on how I have come to understand the ethos of suicide under extreme conditions. It' was thoughtful and true and empathetic...and totally off the mark for this blog.

Yep. Went full retard.

I wrote it when things were really bad, and I had been spending large part of my time in a foetal position, waiting for the pain to abate, just a little...or waiting for myself to get used to it.

Well, things were that bad, and as I write this are a bit worse, but the thing is...

I have control over my own mental ambience.

It's my choice to look into the abyss, or to raise my eyes unto the hills beyond, whence surely cometh the promised help.

It's human to grapple with despair...but we're supposed to rise above that. We're creatures of Light, caught halfway between dirt and divinity.

We are Mary's heirs, feeling the pain of the labour of God's Mom, birthing Heaven in the manger's mire. (There! The Word!)

We can grovel in the dirt, or raise our hands in hope.

So that's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna...wait for it...

Yes.

Turn the beat around.

For anyone who's interested, I left the original post intact. It was originally called Suicidal. It follows below.

Yeah. Full retard. An exercise in navel-gazing, and perhaps instructive in what not to do when writing a blog post.

But hey, at least you get two musical selections!

Suicidal

Morphine or a bullet.

That is what things have come to here. I spend a lot of each day (as mentioned in my previous post) lying on the floor in a foetal position, waiting for the pain to abate enough to be able to rise again. And perhaps do something worthwhile.

In the past I decried those who chose to end their own lives, considering it a cowardly abnegation of God's gift of life.

I am eating those words. If I could stand removed from myself, and see what others see, I would hand over a cup of hemlock, without qualm. Enough, observed, is enough. Let it end, and God will, most assuredly, understand. Of this I have no doubts; not any more.

But not for me.

Not for me, because I still have accountability that overrides pain, that overrides despair, that overrides hopelessness.

And you, dear Reader, are a part of it.

I promised to bear witness to life being worth living, to God's blessings outweighing pain, to the ultimate hope we witness with everyday kindness tipping the balance against hopelessness.

I promised to care for my wife until death do us part; I can't do much for her except making sure she has food to take to work, occasionally fixing dinner, and moving the refrigerator so she can do the needed repairs. The physical work wipes me out, but I am still far larger than she is, and there is some strength left.

I promised my dogs I would be there for them, to feed them and let them out and love and hold them when the memories of their past abuse, before they came to us, becomes too much to bear.

I am needed, and there is no easy exit.

I am a devout Christian, but I am also a Zen Buddhist, and in my Asian genes is an understanding of the Tokko boys of the Second World War, the Kamikaze.

For a full understanding, please read Mordecai Sheftall's stellar book, Blossoms In The Wind. But know this - these boys who never became men willingly gave their lives for a purpose. They didn't seek death for its own sake, or for vengeance. They were willing to die for those they loved. It was a pitiful misunderstanding of what an Allied victory would bring...but they accepted death with the knowledge they had at the time.

And they were not without humour - Sheftall relates the story of a group of tokko boys whose favourite (female) innkeeper had been jailed by the Imperial secret police, the Kempeitai, for selling liquor out of hours. So they invaded Kempeitai HQ, broke a few heads, and retrieved their beloved mamasan. What were the authorities going to do about it? order them to crash their aeroplanes into an American ship?

And so, I will follow them, in my way. I will work myself to unto death for my wife, and my dogs, and for you, dear Reader.

Life matters, cessation of pain really matters, but honour matters more.

This is the reality. The dirt and the gavel and the pain and the splinters of the Via Dolorosa.

In the words of Robert Frost,

"I have promises to keep,
and miles to go before I sleep."

But this isn't all Teutonic Sturm Und Drang.  There's some fun to be had here. Jeff Lynne and the Electric Light orchestra have my back!

A bit of news..."Blessed Are The Pure Of Heart" has come home! Tate Publishing has gone south, and I regained the rights, so it'll soon be available in both Kindle hardcopy versions once again. In the meantime, if you absolutely can't wait (!), you can still get used copies from Amazon.

I have another blog, "Starting The Day With Grace". The focus is a grace quote from someone you might not expect (like, say Mick Jagger) and a short commentary. I hope you'll join me.

Marley update... been moved to a sanctuary, and Bay County will revise their 'dangerous dog' codes.

WE MADE A DIFFERENCE!

And marley has a Facebook page! Please drop by to see how happy he is today.

If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.

Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.

Your DYing Spouse 308 - On Being The Miracle

OK, I will admit it now - I spend large parts of the day curled up in a foetal position on the floor, using an empty 2-liter soda bottle as a pillow (it's the right size, and quite pleasant).

Why the floor? I have an aversion to taking to bed in the middle of the day. It gets uncomfortably close to 'bedridden'.

And I jut wait for the pain to subside. There's not much to think about, neither regrets from the past or hopes and fears for the future.

The TV is on (religious programmes only!).

I'm sitting with the pain. It's all I can do.

Of such things do miracles arise.

The miracle lies in understanding pain as neither an enemy nor a 'friend'...yeah, there are people who take Look At The Bright Side a feet feet too far.

Pain is a tool, or perhaps more accurately a vehicle that offers a journey of understanding.

Part of me wants to say, "So what's to understand? It hurts!" Well, yes.

But once there's the acceptance that it dies hurt, and it's going to hurt, there are some paths worth taking.

• The first thing is the knowledge that pain is, and you can't really escape it. Drugs may offer relief, but it's temporary and comes with a price. Opiate withdrawal is a terrible thing to experience, and it can be necessary when the doses required to the control the pain rise too high for safety. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt. So you're left with the elephant in the room, the pain. And you can learn to cope, at least to some degree. I have learned to 'breathe' around it, and to use body positioning and a kind of meditation to hold it in check. It's not perfect, and sometimes doesn't work well, but it is at least a continual challenge, and that has to be good for me!
• Pain offers insights into one's own behaviour. When I'm hurting, like most people, I get snappish, and on recognizing that can work to at least mitigate the effect. For me, this means adopting an almost elaborate courtesy that is, perhaps irritatingly, magnified when I go through periods of 'less' pain. And there has been another effect - I use a lot less bad language. Used to be, my words could strip paint, but these days I have to avoid anything that leads to harshness, and so I have, for the most part, cleaned up my act.
• Pain makes time more precious, because it has a way of stretching out the worst hours. You look at the clock, and then again three hours later to find that only five minutes have passed. So I don't waste relatively-good-feeling-time. I'm not hesitant to drop a book that loses my interest, or to skip a movie that I should see but that I find depressing. Life's really too short.
• Most importantly, pain begets compassion. I wouldn't want anyone to walk this road, and for those who do, I feel a deep sense of empathy. Does it do them any good? Well, there are those who say that adding to the good energy in Creation is always a good and healing thing...and we can all use a little healing.

So I get to be the miracle, I guess.

The miracle of a better me.

And here's the musical theme...perhaps a bit wistful, but I like it.

We;re linked with Messy Marriage's From Messes To Messages - please visit Beth's site for some superb marriage resources.

A bit of news..."Blessed Are The Pure Of Heart" has come home! Tate Publishing has gone south, and I regained the rights, so it'll soon be available in both Kindle hardcopy versions once again. In the meantime, if you absolutely can't wait (!), you can still get used copies from Amazon.

I have another blog, "Starting The Day With Grace". The focus is a grace quote from someone you might not expect (like, say Mick Jagger) and a short commentary. I hope you'll join me.

Marley update... been moved to a sanctuary, and Bay County will revise their 'dangerous dog' codes.

WE MADE A DIFFERENCE!

And marley has a Facebook page! Please drop by to see how happy he is today.

If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.

Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.

Your Dying Spouse 307 - I'm Still Useful, But...

This will be another short post as I am feeling pretty awful...though I have a good reason. Had to move and fix - at least temporarily - the refrigerator. The evap motor still needs to be changed out.

There was a time when this would have been a trifling episode in a day, and moving the refrigerator itself would have been easy.

Now, it was an achievement - and I'm glad I did it - but it has wiped me out.

It's tempting to look a this and bemoan how far I have fallen.

Or I can take some pleasure in that which I can still accomplish, albeit at some cost.

I think the latter is healthier, don't you?

Still, I think I'll let Barbara replace the motor. I'll cheer from the sidelines.

And now, in the spirit of the day, over to The Traveling Wilburys and Handle With Care

A bit of news..."Blessed Are The Pure Of Heart" has come home! Tate Publishing has gone south, and I regained the rights, so it'll soon be available in both Kindle hardcopy versions once again. In the meantime, if you absolutely can't wait (!), you can still get used copies from Amazon.

I have another blog, "Starting The Day With Grace". The focus is a grace quote from someone you might not expect (like, say Mick Jagger) and a short commentary. I hope you'll join me.

Marley update... been moved to a sanctuary, and Bay County will revise their 'dangerous dog' codes.

WE MADE A DIFFERENCE!

And marley has a Facebook page! Please drop by to see how happy he is today.

If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.

Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.

Your Dying Spouse 306 - But I Still Trust God {FMF}

Five Minute Friday again, and again I have to write in advance of the keyword reveal. But I will try to work it in when it's available. I just don't have the dependable energy to do this otherwise. *The word is SHOULD, and it's in there somewhere.)

And things are getting worse, and harder. Adapt to one level of pain, and another appears. Make allowances for fatigue, and then you have to make allowances on top of those allowances.

I believe the scientific term is circling the drain.

Yes, I've heard the advice. "Curse God and die!"I've heard this from devout Christians who are sick of watching someone of whom they are fond fighting a losing battle.

But I don't think I'll curse Him, and I don't plan on dying anytime soon.

I plan on trusting Him even more.

Item - in 2005, Barbara was in a spectacular rollover accident that left the cab of her beloved Dodge pickup crushed...except for a dome-shaped spot where her head was. (Yes, I'm aware of the alternative explanation that her hard head was the immovable object.)

Item - in December of 2016, Barb was run off the highway, and the ensuing off-road trip (in a Chevrolet Cobalt) trashed the front suspension and brakes, to the tune of $700...which was the amount of the Christmas bonus she had just received.

Item - last week Barb was having trouble with the Cobalt's clutch, and when she took it to the shop the mechanic was aghast, and did not know how she had managed to keep driving the thing. The clutch was shot...another $700. No Christmas bonus, but the timing of the calendar and her pay periods ensures that occasionally she gets back-to-back cheques without the mortgage having to come out of one...and this $700 came out the day after she had received the second non-mortgage paycheque. The timing could not have been better.

But this isn't why I trust God. It is cool, though.

I trust Him because of what I find in my own heart; as the days get harder an the dreams and hopes fade,I find something there, a voice that's not my own.

It's a voice that says, be your best.

It's not something the 'natural' me wants; I'm very, very tired, and in more pain, all the time, than I thought I could ever stand. I don't want to be my best, and what's the point? It's too much work!

The point is that we hold Christ's love in trust. He gave His Blood, His Sacrifice to us, trusting that we would live His example, and extend the grace that He has made our birthright...if we accept it.

But the problem is that it's too heavy for us to bear, individually. We have to share it, pass it around, and not hold it to ourselves.

We have to give grace away in the trust that there is enough for us.

And the only way we can do that is to be our best. The ultimate achievement becomes the ultimate surrender becomes the ultimate trust.

And yes, it's hard. Most days I am like a child being taught penmanship, my hand being guided by One that is larger and infinitely patient, turning my shaky scrawls into coherent copperplate.

Other days I'm worse; a whiny kick-over-the-toybox kid who has to do it all himself. And I don't want this to be happening anyway! It' not fair!

The best I can be is only reachable by accepting that help...by trusting that Hand.

And in that trust, I find victory in surrender...I win as I lose.

I should have known...

So, now, over to ABBA, and a song that explains this theological point perfectly...and what a beat!

A bit of news..."Blessed Are The Pure Of Heart" has come home! Tate Publishing has gone south, and I regained the rights, so it'll soon be available in both Kindle hardcopy versions once again. In the meantime, if you absolutely can't wait (!), you can still get used copies from Amazon.

I have another blog, "Starting The Day With Grace". The focus is a grace quote from someone you might not expect (like, say Mick Jagger) and a short commentary. I hope you'll join me.

Marley update... been moved to a sanctuary, and Bay County will revise their 'dangerous dog' codes.

WE MADE A DIFFERENCE!

And marley has a Facebook page! Please drop by to see how happy he is today.

If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.

Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.

Your Dying Spouse 305 - Oversharing

TMI is a watchword these days. Too much information.

Didn't need to know that.

Unfortunately, it's an easy trap for both caregivers and patients to fall into., and it can cause some problems down the road.

Caregiving is an unasked burden; even though it's implicit in our wedding vows, we wouldn't be human if we didn't hope that we'd never have to face it. And that holds true when we do it well, with all of the love we have, and all we receive from Above, flowing out to the patient.

It's a burden, and burdens need to be shared.

Unfortunately, the need to share doesn't always coincide with being in the company of the right person to share it with, and one can find oneself confiding descriptions, hopes and fears to the wrong ears.

Not hostile ears, but ears that are uncomfortable with what is said.

That's why every caregiver really needs a same-sex supportive friend, or a counselor, or a support group. There are places to bare one's soul, and we all need to find these, as places of safety to weep, and to mourn the loss that is coming, among people who understand.

The same thing goes for patients. We've all heard of the 'organ recital' of the chronically ill who will assail all an sundry with their symptoms, and it's a stereotype because it's all too true. I've done it, and even though I try to avoid it I have done it here, on this blog. (For which I offer an embarrassed apology.)

The patient's main outlet, especially when activities and travel are restricted, is the caregiving spouse. It's a tough burden, but it's real.

(It shouldn't go the other way...as a caregiver you should not unburden yourself to your sick husband or wife. Believe me, he or she already feels like a burden as is. This may be the topic of a future post, but meanwhile...please don't do it!)

What it all boils down to is this - we want to be heard. We want to find some affirmation in the words of others that what we're doing really matters, and that we are, in fact, doing our best in a situation that may seem, and in truth be, hopeless.

We owe it to ourselves and our husbands and wives, in our care, to be heard by those who understand. And we owe it to those who don't want or need our confidences not to impose them.

We're linked with Messy Marriage's From Messes To Messages - please visit for some great marriage resources!

Music for today...how about Asia, and Only Time Will Tell?

A bit of news..."Blessed Are The Pure Of Heart" has come home! Tate Publishing has gone south, and I regained the rights, so it'll soon be available in both Kindle hardcopy versions once again. In the meantime, if you absolutely can't wait (!), you can still get used copies from Amazon.

I have another blog, "Starting The Day With Grace". The focus is a grace quote from someone you might not expect (like, say Mick Jagger) and a short commentary. I hope you'll join me.

Marley update... been moved to a sanctuary, and Bay County will revise their 'dangerous dog' codes.

WE MADE A DIFFERENCE!

And marley has a Facebook page! Please drop by to see how happy he is today.

If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.

Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.