Your DYing Spouse 308 - On Being The Miracle

OK, I will admit it now - I spend large parts of the day curled up in a foetal position on the floor, using an empty 2-liter soda bottle as a pillow (it's the right size, and quite pleasant).

Why the floor? I have an aversion to taking to bed in the middle of the day. It gets uncomfortably close to 'bedridden'.

And I jut wait for the pain to subside. There's not much to think about, neither regrets from the past or hopes and fears for the future.

The TV is on (religious programmes only!).

I'm sitting with the pain. It's all I can do.

Of such things do miracles arise.

The miracle lies in understanding pain as neither an enemy nor a 'friend'...yeah, there are people who take Look At The Bright Side a feet feet too far.

Pain is a tool, or perhaps more accurately a vehicle that offers a journey of understanding.

Part of me wants to say, "So what's to understand? It hurts!" Well, yes.

But once there's the acceptance that it dies hurt, and it's going to hurt, there are some paths worth taking.

• The first thing is the knowledge that pain is, and you can't really escape it. Drugs may offer relief, but it's temporary and comes with a price. Opiate withdrawal is a terrible thing to experience, and it can be necessary when the doses required to the control the pain rise too high for safety. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt. So you're left with the elephant in the room, the pain. And you can learn to cope, at least to some degree. I have learned to 'breathe' around it, and to use body positioning and a kind of meditation to hold it in check. It's not perfect, and sometimes doesn't work well, but it is at least a continual challenge, and that has to be good for me!
• Pain offers insights into one's own behaviour. When I'm hurting, like most people, I get snappish, and on recognizing that can work to at least mitigate the effect. For me, this means adopting an almost elaborate courtesy that is, perhaps irritatingly, magnified when I go through periods of 'less' pain. And there has been another effect - I use a lot less bad language. Used to be, my words could strip paint, but these days I have to avoid anything that leads to harshness, and so I have, for the most part, cleaned up my act.
• Pain makes time more precious, because it has a way of stretching out the worst hours. You look at the clock, and then again three hours later to find that only five minutes have passed. So I don't waste relatively-good-feeling-time. I'm not hesitant to drop a book that loses my interest, or to skip a movie that I should see but that I find depressing. Life's really too short.
• Most importantly, pain begets compassion. I wouldn't want anyone to walk this road, and for those who do, I feel a deep sense of empathy. Does it do them any good? Well, there are those who say that adding to the good energy in Creation is always a good and healing thing...and we can all use a little healing.

So I get to be the miracle, I guess.

The miracle of a better me.

And here's the musical theme...perhaps a bit wistful, but I like it.

We;re linked with Messy Marriage's From Messes To Messages - please visit Beth's site for some superb marriage resources.

A bit of news..."Blessed Are The Pure Of Heart" has come home! Tate Publishing has gone south, and I regained the rights, so it'll soon be available in both Kindle hardcopy versions once again. In the meantime, if you absolutely can't wait (!), you can still get used copies from Amazon.

I have another blog, "Starting The Day With Grace". The focus is a grace quote from someone you might not expect (like, say Mick Jagger) and a short commentary. I hope you'll join me.

Marley update... been moved to a sanctuary, and Bay County will revise their 'dangerous dog' codes.

WE MADE A DIFFERENCE!

And marley has a Facebook page! Please drop by to see how happy he is today.

If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.

Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.

Your Dying Spouse 307 - I'm Still Useful, But...

This will be another short post as I am feeling pretty awful...though I have a good reason. Had to move and fix - at least temporarily - the refrigerator. The evap motor still needs to be changed out.

There was a time when this would have been a trifling episode in a day, and moving the refrigerator itself would have been easy.

Now, it was an achievement - and I'm glad I did it - but it has wiped me out.

It's tempting to look a this and bemoan how far I have fallen.

Or I can take some pleasure in that which I can still accomplish, albeit at some cost.

I think the latter is healthier, don't you?

Still, I think I'll let Barbara replace the motor. I'll cheer from the sidelines.

And now, in the spirit of the day, over to The Traveling Wilburys and Handle With Care

A bit of news..."Blessed Are The Pure Of Heart" has come home! Tate Publishing has gone south, and I regained the rights, so it'll soon be available in both Kindle hardcopy versions once again. In the meantime, if you absolutely can't wait (!), you can still get used copies from Amazon.

I have another blog, "Starting The Day With Grace". The focus is a grace quote from someone you might not expect (like, say Mick Jagger) and a short commentary. I hope you'll join me.

Marley update... been moved to a sanctuary, and Bay County will revise their 'dangerous dog' codes.

WE MADE A DIFFERENCE!

And marley has a Facebook page! Please drop by to see how happy he is today.

If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.

Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.

Your Dying Spouse 306 - But I Still Trust God {FMF}

Five Minute Friday again, and again I have to write in advance of the keyword reveal. But I will try to work it in when it's available. I just don't have the dependable energy to do this otherwise. *The word is SHOULD, and it's in there somewhere.)

And things are getting worse, and harder. Adapt to one level of pain, and another appears. Make allowances for fatigue, and then you have to make allowances on top of those allowances.

I believe the scientific term is circling the drain.

Yes, I've heard the advice. "Curse God and die!"I've heard this from devout Christians who are sick of watching someone of whom they are fond fighting a losing battle.

But I don't think I'll curse Him, and I don't plan on dying anytime soon.

I plan on trusting Him even more.

Item - in 2005, Barbara was in a spectacular rollover accident that left the cab of her beloved Dodge pickup crushed...except for a dome-shaped spot where her head was. (Yes, I'm aware of the alternative explanation that her hard head was the immovable object.)

Item - in December of 2016, Barb was run off the highway, and the ensuing off-road trip (in a Chevrolet Cobalt) trashed the front suspension and brakes, to the tune of $700...which was the amount of the Christmas bonus she had just received.

Item - last week Barb was having trouble with the Cobalt's clutch, and when she took it to the shop the mechanic was aghast, and did not know how she had managed to keep driving the thing. The clutch was shot...another $700. No Christmas bonus, but the timing of the calendar and her pay periods ensures that occasionally she gets back-to-back cheques without the mortgage having to come out of one...and this $700 came out the day after she had received the second non-mortgage paycheque. The timing could not have been better.

But this isn't why I trust God. It is cool, though.

I trust Him because of what I find in my own heart; as the days get harder an the dreams and hopes fade,I find something there, a voice that's not my own.

It's a voice that says, be your best.

It's not something the 'natural' me wants; I'm very, very tired, and in more pain, all the time, than I thought I could ever stand. I don't want to be my best, and what's the point? It's too much work!

The point is that we hold Christ's love in trust. He gave His Blood, His Sacrifice to us, trusting that we would live His example, and extend the grace that He has made our birthright...if we accept it.

But the problem is that it's too heavy for us to bear, individually. We have to share it, pass it around, and not hold it to ourselves.

We have to give grace away in the trust that there is enough for us.

And the only way we can do that is to be our best. The ultimate achievement becomes the ultimate surrender becomes the ultimate trust.

And yes, it's hard. Most days I am like a child being taught penmanship, my hand being guided by One that is larger and infinitely patient, turning my shaky scrawls into coherent copperplate.

Other days I'm worse; a whiny kick-over-the-toybox kid who has to do it all himself. And I don't want this to be happening anyway! It' not fair!

The best I can be is only reachable by accepting that help...by trusting that Hand.

And in that trust, I find victory in surrender...I win as I lose.

I should have known...

So, now, over to ABBA, and a song that explains this theological point perfectly...and what a beat!

A bit of news..."Blessed Are The Pure Of Heart" has come home! Tate Publishing has gone south, and I regained the rights, so it'll soon be available in both Kindle hardcopy versions once again. In the meantime, if you absolutely can't wait (!), you can still get used copies from Amazon.

I have another blog, "Starting The Day With Grace". The focus is a grace quote from someone you might not expect (like, say Mick Jagger) and a short commentary. I hope you'll join me.

Marley update... been moved to a sanctuary, and Bay County will revise their 'dangerous dog' codes.

WE MADE A DIFFERENCE!

And marley has a Facebook page! Please drop by to see how happy he is today.

If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.

Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.

Your Dying Spouse 305 - Oversharing

TMI is a watchword these days. Too much information.

Didn't need to know that.

Unfortunately, it's an easy trap for both caregivers and patients to fall into., and it can cause some problems down the road.

Caregiving is an unasked burden; even though it's implicit in our wedding vows, we wouldn't be human if we didn't hope that we'd never have to face it. And that holds true when we do it well, with all of the love we have, and all we receive from Above, flowing out to the patient.

It's a burden, and burdens need to be shared.

Unfortunately, the need to share doesn't always coincide with being in the company of the right person to share it with, and one can find oneself confiding descriptions, hopes and fears to the wrong ears.

Not hostile ears, but ears that are uncomfortable with what is said.

That's why every caregiver really needs a same-sex supportive friend, or a counselor, or a support group. There are places to bare one's soul, and we all need to find these, as places of safety to weep, and to mourn the loss that is coming, among people who understand.

The same thing goes for patients. We've all heard of the 'organ recital' of the chronically ill who will assail all an sundry with their symptoms, and it's a stereotype because it's all too true. I've done it, and even though I try to avoid it I have done it here, on this blog. (For which I offer an embarrassed apology.)

The patient's main outlet, especially when activities and travel are restricted, is the caregiving spouse. It's a tough burden, but it's real.

(It shouldn't go the other way...as a caregiver you should not unburden yourself to your sick husband or wife. Believe me, he or she already feels like a burden as is. This may be the topic of a future post, but meanwhile...please don't do it!)

What it all boils down to is this - we want to be heard. We want to find some affirmation in the words of others that what we're doing really matters, and that we are, in fact, doing our best in a situation that may seem, and in truth be, hopeless.

We owe it to ourselves and our husbands and wives, in our care, to be heard by those who understand. And we owe it to those who don't want or need our confidences not to impose them.

We're linked with Messy Marriage's From Messes To Messages - please visit for some great marriage resources!

Music for today...how about Asia, and Only Time Will Tell?

A bit of news..."Blessed Are The Pure Of Heart" has come home! Tate Publishing has gone south, and I regained the rights, so it'll soon be available in both Kindle hardcopy versions once again. In the meantime, if you absolutely can't wait (!), you can still get used copies from Amazon.

I have another blog, "Starting The Day With Grace". The focus is a grace quote from someone you might not expect (like, say Mick Jagger) and a short commentary. I hope you'll join me.

Marley update... been moved to a sanctuary, and Bay County will revise their 'dangerous dog' codes.

WE MADE A DIFFERENCE!

And marley has a Facebook page! Please drop by to see how happy he is today.

If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.

Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.

Your Dying Spouse 304 - Spin Cycle

Heck of a weekend. I am introduced to words like 'chest pain' and 'cyanosis' - not from the heart, but from abdominal swelling.

Whatever.

So this will be short.

In the gyre of worsening symptoms and failing horizons, I offer hope - in four letters.

ABBA

No, not that Abba (though He is the ultimate hope), but this one, for now and today...

Let's dance!

Your Dying Spouse 303 - Give Me, Lord, What Remains {FMF}

Five Minute Friday again, and again I will try to work the keyword into a pre-written essay.

(The word's MORE, and I got it in.)

Things are really going downhill, and it's easy to get discouraged. Pain has changed in character, and there are new and dire symptoms. It's all I can do to sit up in the evening, and when I lie down it's hard to breathe.

I've had a very sore throat for a couple of weeks, and it's getting hard to swallow. I could run a trach tube on you, but I can't do one on myself. (And there's still no insurance, nor cash for treatment. Too bad.)

At the end of the day, about all I can do is lie in a foetal position and cry. I'm not asking for sympathy, but I suppose it says something that I can admit it's come to this.

Today was worse than yesterday; and tomorrow will be harder than today.

I'd like to think that God will provide a nick-of-time rescue, but I fear that is the feel-good preachers talking. After all, His own Son was left to die on the Cross.

So it seems that the gift God has made for me lies in the fire, and I have to embrace the flames to lay hands on the gift. Going down in a blaze of glory, if you will. (Click the link for the Bon Jovi song.)

There will come an end to these writings. I can see it, but I'll keep going until I can't do it no more, no more.

I guess the best thing I can do is to offer up the pain and everything else. Offer it up in the hope that if I bear it, it's not happening to someone else.

That would make it all worthwhile, to be the shield. Bring it, God. I'll take the worst, so someone, somewhere, can have it better. I'm cool with that. There are worse ways to die.

But I'm not the first to think this. Here is a prayer that was found among the effects of Andre Zirnheld, who was killed in North Africa in 1942:

I'm asking You God, to give me what You have left.
Give me those things which others never ask of You.
I don't ask You for rest, or tranquility.
Not that of the spirit, the body, or the mind.
I don't ask You for wealth, or success, or even health.
All those things are asked of You so much Lord,
that you can't have any left to give.
Give me instead Lord what You have left.
Give me what others don't want.
I want uncertainty and doubt.
I want torment and battle.
And I ask that You give them to me now and forever Lord,
so I can be sure to always have them,
because I won't always have the strength to ask again.
But give me also the courage, the energy,
and the spirit to face them.
I ask You these things Lord,
because I can't ask them of myself.

Amen.

I will follow Christ, and I will die to protect you, in any way I can.

Lord, let me die as the shield of another, in battle or (sure looks like this now) in illness.

And then raise me up, put a weapon in my hand, and send me back into the fight.

BRING IT.

I can take a bit more.

Musical accompaniment is Mansions of the Lord, courtesy the West Point Glee Club.

A bit of news..."Blessed Are The Pure Of Heart" has come home! Tate Publishing has gone south, and I regained the rights, so it'll soon be available in both Kindle hardcopy versions once again. In the meantime, if you absolutely can't wait (!), you can still get used copies from Amazon.

I have another blog, "Starting The Day With Grace". The focus is a grace quote from someone you might not expect (like, say Mick Jagger) and a short commentary. I hope you'll join me.

Marley update... been moved to a sanctuary, and Bay County will revise their 'dangerous dog' codes.

WE MADE A DIFFERENCE!

And marley has a Facebook page! Please drop by to see how happy he is today.

If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.

Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.

Your Dying Spouse 302 - I'm Not Me Anymore

"Well, you know me..."

Such a common expression, and one used often to explain one's actions.

It's an expression I can never use, because illness has taken so much that I'm not sure of what me is.

My career is gone, and the avocations which used to define me are sliding out of reach. Some days, all I can do is rest, between feeding the dogs and letting them out. I watch a lot of DVDs; I read a lot. And these days concentration is so hard (along with the physical act of typing) that it's all I can do to maintain this blog.

I'm not who I was; I am who I am. And I don't know who that is.

If you're a caregiver for a terminally ill spouse, especially one who is no longer in the workforce and is simply existing between medical treatments and pain, it's something you'll have to address, because you're the only one who can help.

But how can you help? Here are some suggestions; they may not work for everyone but I'm pretty sure some may be useful.

• First and foremost, observe. Has a driven and purposeful spouse become suddenly listless, using expressions like "It doesn't matter" and "Whatever"? If so, you can be pretty sure that there's a problem.
• Encourage identity-building activities -  For an athlete, rugby or tennis or even golf may be out, but if there's any indication that your mate still wants to participate vicariously, try to find a way to make it happen, if only getting a cable subscription to ESPN. I'e lately been watching the Ken Burns documentary on baseball, and it's lifted my spirits far more than I might have guessed.
• Be interested in what your husband or wife can still do -  if your spouse has enjoyed scrapbooking, make sure he or she still has the supplies to continue, and ask about it. Be involved, and interest...and, if needed, offer help.
• Keep sex on the table - I was reluctant to include this, but being physically desirable to one's spouse is a basic need for every man and woman. You may have to modify what can be done, but that does leave open a lot of things that are sexual in nature, and that give the right message. Letting the marriage relationship become a formal 'caregiving' one, in which physical intimacy isn't encouraged, can be devastating for the patient.
• Participate in activities that your mate still can enjoy - If your husband was an avid hunter, go to a rifle range (and perhaps let him teach you to shoot better). If your wife was restoring a n antique car, go with her to a car show, even if you're not that fired up about automobiles.

There are also some things not to do:

• Don't schedule social events with other caregiving spouses with only a shared 'caregiver' status - it's kind of dehumanizing for the patient to be placed into a situation of making small-talk with another person on the basis of a shared terminal diagnosis.
• Don't push the thought that there is Identity In Christ -  your spouse nows this, and if that's not currently helping, you're adding lack of faith to their other burdens.
• If your spouse admits to feeling lost, don't try to fix it immediately by pointing out what he or she still does - the grieving process is needed; your spouse needs to grieve the loss of his or her old life. Listen first, and then gently point out some of the positives that remain. If you get pushback, stop - they're not ready to hear it. Wait  bit, and then try again.

What do you think? Are these good strategies? Can you offer some others?

We're linked with Messy Marriage's From Messes To Messages - please drop by for some great marriage resources!

A bit of news..."Blessed Are The Pure Of Heart" has come home! Tate Publishing has gone south, and I regained the rights, so it'll soon be available in both Kindle hardcopy versions once again. In the meantime, if you absolutely can't wait (!), you can still get used copies from Amazon.

I have another blog, "Starting The Day With Grace". The focus is a grace quote from someone you might not expect (like, say Mick Jagger) and a short commentary. I hope you'll join me.

Marley update... been moved to a sanctuary, and Bay County will revise their 'dangerous dog' codes.

WE MADE A DIFFERENCE!

And marley has a Facebook page! Please drop by to see how happy he is today.

If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.

Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.