Your Dying Spouse 207 - Why I'm Still Here {FMF}

Back again for Five Minute Friday, the weekly get-together and key-word-themed timed writing challenge hosted by the lovely and gracious Kate Motaung.

Yeah, I know. Calling a lady 'lovely' isn't PC, but neither am I, and lovely she is. Deal with it.

As has happened too often in the past few weeks, I'm writing ahead of time. At the moment I have pneumonia, and it is immediately-life-threatening. If I can work the keyword into the theme I will. I just want to be sure there's something to post. (The word's listen, and I worked it in.)

So...I'm over 200 posts in this series. My doctor's kind of shocked, and my wife is flabbergasted. I shouldn't be alive any more. What gives?

I have no idea...and while this is getting harder for me I have been able to keep going. I've stopped working on fiction...just don't have the energy...and I have had to cut back, with regret, on commenting on other blog. Keeping the BPH blog running, with admittedly shorter posts, is taking a lot.

So, what resources are there?

1. GOD - I believe in the Christian God, and I believe that I am being kept viable to fulfill a purpose. I may not know what it is, and it may be far from what I would guess - I may be a cautionary tale rather than an example - but there is a reason for this. The pain and humiliation (read incontinence and fainting, several times today) are not His concern. My performance is.
2. DOG - yes, it's an anagram for God, and no wonder, at least here. We have many, nearly all having arrived at this place of last resort. For some reason - known only to them and their Great Anagram - I have a connexion with these guys that no one else can match. The fiercest maulers let me hold them belly-up, like puppies, and drift off to happy dreams in my arms. This is hard to fathom, for I am, above most everything else, a trained dealer in death. But they see some transcendence, and I won't abandon them.
3. YOU GUYS - The FMF, Books and Such,  Steve Laube Agency, Messy Marriage,  and Inspire Me Mondays communities have carried my heart and soul over some really horrible patches. I never had pen pals; I never really believed in friendships that were not face-to-face. Boy, was I ever wrong. You guys are literal lifesavers.
4. DREAMS - Yes, I still have dreams, and while their attainment is predicated on a restoration of health, working toward them in hope is not. Our dreams are not our own, not really. They're beholden to the Almighty, as concrete symbols of faith, and they're obligations to the community, a shared vision of a general hope that allows us to encourage one another when things seem to hard to bear. Dreams are not ego; they are the debt we owe.

And Barbara? Well, we've been married for either fourteen or twelve years (yes, there was a divorce and remarriage in there, 2003-2004).

And I still live to say good morning to her, every day. And to listen for her reply.

For a musical theme, how about some Christian Metal?

Marley update...he's received a lot of support, but STILL NEEDS HELP TO BE SAVED.

WE ARE MAKING A DIFFERENCE!

He's up to nearly 200,000 signatures, but the local authorities are dragging their feet. They think that we'll give up and go away. We won't.

If you have a mment, I'd like to ask you to visit Change.org to consider a petition to free a 'death row dog' who has been separated from his family for ten months over a misunderstanding. Marley was saved from Afghanistan by a US serviceman; please help make sure this story doesn't end in needless tragedy! Marley's gotten a lot of support...but he still needs our help.

If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.

Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.

Your Dying Spouse 206 - Pneumonia

It seems I have pneumonia, and I'm really not up to writing anything substantive today.

It's really a bit hard, and, I think, unnecessary...I mean, this too?

Sigh. I'm really just kidding. I don't know the answer to pain piled on fatigue and leavened with more pain, but I don't have to.

I simply have to do my best in the time allotted me, under the circumstances that define my life.

And today, my best is realizing that I can't go through any deep truth. I can have some fun, though.

Thus, I shall turn the reins over to Tom Petty. Enjoy!

Marley update...he's received a lot of support, but STILL NEEDS HELP TO BE SAVED.

WE ARE MAKING A DIFFERENCE!

He's up to nearly 200,000 signatures, but the local authorities are dragging their feet. They think that we'll give up and go away. We won't.

If you have a mment, I'd like to ask you to visit Change.org to consider a petition to free a 'death row dog' who has been separated from his family for ten months over a misunderstanding. Marley was saved from Afghanistan by a US serviceman; please help make sure this story doesn't end in needless tragedy! Marley's gotten a lot of support...but he still needs our help.

If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.

Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.

Your Dying Spouse 205 - Patient Fail

Last week I wrote about a caregiver fail. Today it's a major patient fail...and the patient is me.

If you read Friday's postyou know that Barbara's beloved 18-year-old Rottweiler died last week, and she was devastated.

Over the past couple of months, it was starting to become obvious that Mocha Java's time was getting short, and Barbara kept saying things like, "I don't think we;ll have her to the end of summer."

I didn't disagree, but thought that this kind of prophesying wasn't good for anyone, and that even Mocha could pick up on it.

What a blind idiot I am.

Barbara was trying to prepare herself (and perhaps prepare Mocha) for the coming separation. She knew, as I did not, how hard it would be on her.

I didn't push the point, but saying it once was bad enough, because it bespoe a gross lack of understanding of my wife's heart.

And it also bespoke a secret fear in mine..."What if she's thinking that about me?"

It was hard to bite the bullet and write this. I'm embarrassed, and feel pretty small.

But it may help someone, somewhere, and that's the only reason I'm writing this.

Marley update...he's received a lot of support, but STILL NEEDS HELP TO BE SAVED.

WE ARE MAKING A DIFFERENCE!

He's up to nearly 200,000 signatures, but the local authorities are dragging their feet. They think that we'll give up and go away. We won't.

If you have a mment, I'd like to ask you to visit Change.org to consider a petition to free a 'death row dog' who has been separated from his family for ten months over a misunderstanding. Marley was saved from Afghanistan by a US serviceman; please help make sure this story doesn't end in needless tragedy! Marley's gotten a lot of support...but he still needs our help.

If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.

Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.

Your Dying Spouse 204 - The Soft Side Of Hard {FMF}

Time for Five Minute Friday, the weekly timed keyword-themed writing challenge hosted by Kate Motaung.

The word this week is HEAL.

I'm kind of a failure as a patient, and I am letting Barbara down badly.

There's a lovely song by Casting Crowns, Broken Together. You've probably heard it, but here it is -

It should fit this season well, but it doesn't, because I can't go there. I'm not broken; I can't be broken.

And therein lies the rub; I'm taking away from my wife to be a healing presence, to hold me in my fear and heartbreak. She deserves that.

Instead she gets jokes I make at my own expense, and when she says she's sorry that I'm so sick, my stock answer is -

"Could be worse. I could be slow, soft and ugly."

For m, it's natural and indeed necessary. For her, it's a loss, because in my 'harder than pain, harder than death' focus, I'm losing the ability to receive softness...and I'm taking from her the ability to give it.

Break, break.

And as I was writing this - ahead of time - things changed. Barbara's beloved 18-year-old 3-legged Rottie, Mocha Java, just passed away. And even though I can't be broken, I could give her a safe place to be devastated.

That's something, I suppose. A kind of healing that a hard man can still give.

Please pray for her, won't you?

Illness is only a part of life, and the rest becomes far more precious when it might be lost.

Marley update...he's received a lot of support, but STILL NEEDS HELP TO BE SAVED.

WE ARE MAKING A DIFFERENCE!

He's up to nearly 200,000 signatures, but the local authorities are dragging their feet. They think that we'll give up and go away. We won't.

If you have a mment, I'd like to ask you to visit Change.org to consider a petition to free a 'death row dog' who has been separated from his family for ten months over a misunderstanding. Marley was saved from Afghanistan by a US serviceman; please help make sure this story doesn't end in needless tragedy! Marley's gotten a lot of support...but he still needs our help.

If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.

Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.

Your Dying Spouse 203 - Caregiver Fail

We're linked with Messy Marriage's From Messes To Messages - please visit Beth for some outstanding marriage resources.

This is the story of an unintentional caregiving disaster. It;s been disguised beyond recognition, while keeping the principle to be illustrated intact.

There was a couple, Bob and Mary. They were in their late forties, no kids, and enjoyed the advantages of dual (but linked) careers. And then Mary developed cancer.

She was in good physical shape, and had a good care team. Bob was incredibly supportive, arranging his life around her needs with nary a complaint and consistent good cheer.

But the cancer was vicious, and soon Mary had to leave the job she loved. Her strength was failing, she was in constant pain, and the experts were pessimistic.

In the early spring of what was expected to be her last year, mary surprised Bob by saying that she wanted to make a traditional Zen garden, with rock arrangements and a flowing stream (powered by a recirculating pump).

Bob said, "Great! I'll talk to some of the guys from work and we'll get it built for you!"

No, said mary. I want to do this myself. I know it'll be hard, I know it'll take longer. But I want to do this. If you can get the materials I need, and occasionally lend some muscle, that would be great.

Bob was puzzled, but agreed, and watched over the weeks as an old stretch of lawn was gradually replaced with the outlines of a Japanese garden.

And then one day he came out while Mary was working and said, "This is a great idea you had, dear. You really needed something to keep you busy."

See the fail?

Bob didn't get it. The garden was Mary's hook to the future, not work for anxious and often idle hands. It wasn't a time-filler. It was a mission.

The garden was finished by fall, but for a few weeks Mary lost the joy. She felt herself categorized as a patient, as someone to be managed.

She wanted to have something of worth to give, and the garden was her gift, her legacy. It wasn't completely ruined for her, but the joy was stolen for a time period that could never be made up.

Thus, the lesson - your terminally ill spouse is still a human beings, with hopes and plans that may seem irrational to you, but mean a lot to him or her.

It's easy to fall into the trap that your spouse's whole life revolves around illness; it may seem that way to you, given the intensity of care that may be needed, but remember this -

Illness is only a part of life, and the rest becomes far more precious when it might be lost.

Marley update...he's received a lot of support, but STILL NEEDS HELP TO BE SAVED.

WE ARE MAKING A DIFFERENCE!

He's up to nearly 200,000 signatures, but the local authorities are dragging their feet. They think that we'll give up and go away. We won't.

If you have a mment, I'd like to ask you to visit Change.org to consider a petition to free a 'death row dog' who has been separated from his family for ten months over a misunderstanding. Marley was saved from Afghanistan by a US serviceman; please help make sure this story doesn't end in needless tragedy! Marley's gotten a lot of support...but he still needs our help.

If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.

Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.

Your Dying Spouse 202 - Strategy For Bad Days

Today was horrible for me, and in many ways worse for Barbara...it being Labour Day, she was home and could watch. There was very little she could do to help.

It was a kind of help-I-am-being-sawn-in-half pain experience, with the added frisson of almost continuous dry heaves.

Well, dry unless they brought up blood.

An ER visit would have been a good idea, frankly, because pain can kill, but not having insurance that was not an option. Against barbara's secure future (without a huge set of my medical bills hanging over her) my comfort and my life are expendable.

So...how might a caregiver cope with a Day Of Pain?

First, Let the professional care team (one or more doctors) know what's happening, and that it's a singularly bad event. Don't worry about 'crying wolf'; most doctors can read the anguish behind your words when someone you love's hurting bad. (And unless the patient's me, if the doc says to head for the ER and he'll meet you there, DO IT.)

Second, make sure the prescribed pain meds are taken at the right time, and in the right dosage. Taking too much at one time can actually make the pain worse.

Third, keep the patient hydrated, preferably with a weak mixture of Gatorade. Avoid soda, as the carbonation can make gas a problem, especially if the patient's doing 'gasping' swallows (taking in a lot of air) as a result of pain spasms.
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Fourth, only light food, if any. And don't try to force something the patient really hates. Now is not the time to make a point.

Fifth, distraction. We watched "Return Of The Jedi", which we've both seen a million times or so, but it's a nice, friendly place to be, and the fact that I kept passing out didn't make me miss much. (Interestingly, for the bits I was able to appreciate, I noticed things I had not seen before, both in the scene dressing and the action.)

Sixth, kind words. "I'm sorry you're in so much pain...is there anything I can do for you?" is just fine. (And "I know how you feel, because I once had a pain like that when I overdid it at the gym..." is not OK. Don't dream of going there.)

And that's it for now; can't really stay upright any more.

Today sucked. Tomorrow may be worse.

Still worth trying to catch the moment the sun comes up, though, even if I have to crawl to the door to do it.

Your Dying Spouse 201 - Send Me {FMF}

Once again it is time for Five Minute Friday, the keyword-driven weekly timed writing challenge hosted by Kate Motaung.

The work this week is...well, again, I've got to write ahead, because I don't know if I'll be up to writing to The Word From Kate. But if I can, I will try to work it in.

(The word is PATH, and it fits nicely at the end.)

One of the big threats to the soul that arises in a terminal illness is self-pity, and easing into the mentality of a victim.

It's insidious, because heck, dying is uncomfortable, humiliating (incontinence and puking blood, anyone?) and it just plain hurts.

Why me?

Add to that the sympathy you receive...it's well-meant, yes, but it's easy to take sympathy too much to heart and allow pathos to turn into bathos.

But the fact is, while you're dying you should not only be living, you should be serving.

In an effort at a multimedia presentation, here's a clip from the best Christian movie ever made, "Fury", starring Brad Pitt; it's about an American tank crew fighting in Germany at the end of WW2. The scene you're about to see (I hope you do, it's only a minute long) takes place just before the climactic 'crossroads' scene'.

Send me.

We always have something to offer for the ALmighty. He was not created to kowtow to our wishes; we were made to become His companions in eternity...and part of that is the apprenticeship of doing the hard work, here and now.

Dying can limit our abilities, but it doesn't excuse us from the requirement to serve. Bring to the table, or to the fight, that which you can.

Maybe all you can do, stricken with cancer, is to be kind to the wife or husband who's caring for you. Maybe all you can really do is lift his or her spirits with a smile or a joke.

And that looks like nothing, compared to the mission trip your neighbour just took to Upper Volta.

But remember the story of the woman who gave a single coin, which was all she had, as a temple offering. Sometimes all you can give is everything you have.

And why? Why not just sit back and enjoy, as much as you can, what you you still have? Why not be a victim, when you've clearly been beset by a disease that's not your fault?

Again, I'll turn to "Fury" for the answer. This scene takes place a little later than the first one, when Sgt. Collier (Brad Pitt) has been wounded and is being bandaged by 'Bible' (Shia LeBouef).

I believe we're here for a reason; that our lives matter, and that no matter how far we sink, no matter how diminished we become...

We always have something to offer that is a treasure to the Almighty.

Here am I. Send me. On the path You have chosen.

Thy will be done, and I will do it.

I strongly urge you to see 'Fury'; it is not always comfortable to watch, but it depicts war and warriors with unflinching accuracy. The faith expressed is unambiguous (and intentionally so, according to the people who made the film).

And...for what it's worth, when I'm dead, Barbara has said that to bring me back alive for an hour or so all she has to do is watch this film, because I'm so similar to Sgt. Collier that it's spooky.

And that is probably the only time I will ever be compared to Brad Pitt!

Marley update...he's received a lot of support, but STILL NEEDS HELP TO BE SAVED.

WE ARE MAKING A DIFFERENCE!

He's up to nearly 200,000 signatures, but the local authorities are dragging their feet. They think that we'll give up and go away. We won't.

If you have a mment, I'd like to ask you to visit Change.org to consider a petition to free a 'death row dog' who has been separated from his family for ten months over a misunderstanding. Marley was saved from Afghanistan by a US serviceman; please help make sure this story doesn't end in needless tragedy! Marley's gotten a lot of support...but he still needs our help.

If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.

Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.