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Thursday, June 30, 2022

Why Can't I Die?

People ask, with a dreadful diagnosis, and awful symptoms (I can see tumours in the mirror, for Pete's sake!)...why are you still here?

And I don't know. I'd ask my doctor, but I outlived him.

Maybe it's to help Barb with her life and with the dogs, maybe it's to write a few more sonnets... I just don't know, and sometimes I do wonder as to the point of it all.

It's gone on for far too long,
and I feel so alone,
and so far from being strong,
Lord, why can't I come home?
I have done that which You ask,
have tried to write and live in hope,
but I cannot fulfill this task,
and can no longer cope
with the blood and with the pain,
with what makes me weep at night;
why, oh, why must I remain
in this hopeless fight?
And God's answer never fails,
"Accept your Cross, and take the nails."

The real reason I'm staying, of course, is that I never went to a trade school that had surrender in the curriculum, and I see no point in learning it now.

Maybe you can decide to die, but I know that you can decide to live.

The Five Minute Friday prompt this week is TRUST.

Trust the Lord with all your might,
trust when it's all you can do.
Trust Him in the final fight,
and trust that He will carry you
across the blazing coals of hell,
across the raging storm-tossed seas,
'cross ruined lands you knew so well
where golden years were spent at ease.
Trust that there's a better place
that soon you'll see from His strong arms,
trust that there's a solid grace,
a wall between yourself and harms
that would leave you sore bereft;
trust with all the strength that's left!

Four minutes thirty. OK.

Music from Parsons Ghost, with Go Down Swinging.

Parsons Ghost's debut album is self-produced, and has real country roots; if you like them, support them through iTunes.

Sylvia suggests a simple reason for staying alive...ice cream!







31 comments:

  1. I believe surrender happens daily. Sometimes it happens once, and sometimes it's second-by-second. Surrender is really trust in Him - in Who He is and for how He works everything for our good. We can trust Him!

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  2. My chronically-ill daughter has asked this question of the Lord so many times. Goodness, I've asked it myself and I'm not physically suffering like you and her. All I can offer is that His mercies are new and sufficient for each day and I know that to be true. Only He knows our times, eh? Praying His peace on you today, Andrew. Your FMF neighbour at #3 this week.

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    1. Kath, you nailed it; His mercies are new and sufficient for each day, and we only need live one day at a time.

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  3. Andrew, even in this post, you made me laugh with your mention of having not gone to trade school :) Friend, while I cannot answer your questions, may I just say - I am so grateful you are still here! Praying we decide to live and more so, live and shine for Him! Praying for you and Barb this morning!

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    1. Joanne, I'm glad to still be here, too. It's 0500 now, and hurts too much to sleep, but still, it's worthwhile.

      And thank you so much for your prayers!

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  4. I don't have answers to your questions, but I'm glad you're still here and still writing. Your determination, perseverance and example of trusting God are inspiring!

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  5. Andrew, I am praying for you as I read your lament. I know one "why" is that your example is powerful as you continue to praise God in the middle of such excruciating struggle. We see your words and are reminded to do the same. As you "trust Him with all that is left," He is glorified and others, like me, remember our difficulties need not lead us to despair. Thank you for your honest and difficult words. They contain much pain but lead to TRUST.

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    1. Anna, wow... I am so very grateful for this affirmation!

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  6. I love your sonnets. God bless you. And YES! It's about the ice cream. Deirdre #11

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    1. Deirdre, thank you...and yes, it's about the ice cream!

      By the bye, I can't leave comments on your blog, for the phone to which I am now restricted won't load the Medium app. But I do read it!

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  7. I know you are an incredible poet and God does not make mistakes. I also know He can turn all our mistakes to good if we give it to Him. Sometimes all we have left is trust! These words always come to me when I want out: 'Lord, who else can we go to, you have the words of eternal life'. FMF #13

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    1. Dawn, indeed, who else can we go to?

      And thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for this lovely affirmation!

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  8. All of these comments are so true! We have no answers but oh my, we are grateful for your life, your wisdom, and your writing gift.

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    1. Karen, gosh... I have no words but than to say Thank You, and that I'm glad you're my friend.

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  9. I do not to claim to have the answers to any of the "why" questions. It gives me a headache just thinking about it!

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    1. Yeah, the Why questions can give me a headache as well!

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  10. This is so good Andrew! Yes you can choose life when you can't die. Sometimes we just don't know what God's purpose is. And I agree with Sylvia about ice cream.

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    1. So true, that sometimes God's purpose is hidden! But as I go on, I know that there IS a purpose.

      And as Sylvia says, sometimes that purpose is ice cream!

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  11. My reply's above, Barb, and I will add this, that sometimes the Why's make me want to reach for a Bud.

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  12. As I wrote my FMF this week, thinking about the pain I'm dealing with after surgery, I thought of you and the pain that is your constant companion. And your faithfulness and good cheer is all the more inspiring. God continues to do a good work through you, whatever the purpose may be for you to stay here. Blessings and prayers, my friend.

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    1. Kym, I'm just so very grateful for this kind and lovely affirmation. Thank you!

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  13. You can indeed choose to live, I've friends as testament to that who have battled cancer for years, choosing to fight through. And yes ice cream... that is indeed to firm reason to fight! :)

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    1. The fight is worth the pain...and ice cream is high on the list of what makes it worthwhile!

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  14. My friend's 5-year-old son was born with cancer and has recently battled through 12 months' of gruelling chemotherapy - we ask the same question, "Why?" Maybe to bring out the best in humanity? Praying for you. FMF #21

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    1. Heather, we can learn so much about life and hope from a child. They can indeed lift all of humanity.

      I thank you for your prayers, and am praying for your friend and her kid...and for you, their loving friend.

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  15. Sending love and prayers to you and Barb.

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    1. Paula, thank you so much...love back from us both!

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  16. Beautiful poem on trust and I'm with Slyvia about ice cream.

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    1. Karen, thank you...and Sylvia's glad to find a kindred spirit!

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