"I don’t know what I have to offer here, and am tempted not to try. But still, in what may only be a bow to ego, here goes.
* Yeah, I didn’t sign up for this. I didn’t sign up for an illness that would destroy everything I worked for, leaving me a bloody passenger in life, unable to give my wife more than prayers. I didn’t sign up for depending on the kindness of strangers to carry me back to the house when I pass out in the yard. I didn’t sign up for incontinence, or for nights of terror that seem to last forever but pass too quickly, bringing a dawn of exhaustion. I didn’t sign up for the blood or the bile or things far worse than these.
* But I’m here, and I have to believe that my faith in God means something, that when I say “I’m OK” that I am REALLY OK. I have to believe that if the only thing I have left to offer is love, that it’s a love worth giving, and receiving.
* So I will keep going, in faith and hope and love, for I have learned a thing. My dreams of success in writing and other things meant nothing; they are as dust on the winds of emotion. The only thing that ever mattered was saving lives, and love, and gentleness in the Scylla and Charybdis of madness and wrath. Love was the only thing I ever had in me that was worthwhile, through violent action and hugs and encouragement and, yes, through writing.
* So, yeah. I DID sign up for this. And I’d do it again, no hesitation. Here am I; send me."
I loved Randy Pausch's The Last Lecture, but he got it wrong. Life isn't about fulfilling your dreams. It isn't about living well.
It's about loving with all your heart.
I want to go home, it hurts too much to go on; but there is love yet to give, and no room for surrender. (Surrender is the FMF prompt this week.)
I am trying to work through replies to your comments last week; my body is fighting me now. Please know that we treasure your comments, and read them all (or they are read to me).
For no reason that I can discern, the music this week is from Steve Winwood, with Valerie. Maybe it's just for fun, as some things should be. I hope you enjoy it!
Surrender. O what a word. My love to both of you.
ReplyDeleteWe've taken a long time learning the good in that word, Susan. Love back from us.
DeleteI'm encouraged to know you're still here with us, Andrew, but hate that you must suffer so much each and every day. I'm praying for you and Barbara too. I know this must be especially hard on her to see you--the man she loves and married--suffering so greatly in person. Praying you both feel some relief in the knowledge that people are praying for you and in the sense that Jesus can knows your pain.
ReplyDeleteIt has been a tough one or us, Beth. Harder for barbara than for Andrew; he has the fight at his doorstep, while she can only watch. And suffer, in her own way.
DeletePrayers are so appreciated!
Andrew, when I read these words earlier, they moved me. They are profound. Yes. Love.
ReplyDeleteYou love in so many ways. You pray for Barb. Keep her on her toes (of this I am certain). You love your dogs by sacrificially) caring for them, loving on them, accepting them. You love "your people" with your words of truth, encouragement, and kindness.
I've been praying for your home going. I keep telling God how to do it. But, He keeps reminding me, He knows what's best. So that's what I'm praying. His timing and in His way. I'm praying you do not fear, but that you know God's peace in a deep, renewing way. Andrew, I thank God upon my every remembrance of you . . .
Jeanne, we thank you so very, very much. Your friendship and kindness has meant more to both Barbara and Andrew than can be told in earthly form...
DeleteAnd for your prayers for an ease to Andrew's passing, a double thank you. That is so valued!
Sending love, Andrew (and Barb). And here's something funny --- I don't know *how* I got it in my head that you were British (the hyphenated last name maybe?). Imagine my surprise when I realized you weren't across the ocean LOL. // I linked to Randy Pausch's last lecture in my blog post Sunday (great great great minds eh?) This was the quote: "The brick walls are not there to keep us out. The brick walls are there to give us a chance to show how badly we want something. Because the brick walls are there to stop the people who don't want it badly enough." It's not my favorite Pausch quote, but it showed up in a publication that IS important to me, so I went with it. I suspect he would concur with many of your conclusions. <3
ReplyDeletePaula, the image of the brick walls is so good! Thank you for reminding us. Andrew's education was British, so you were quite correct!
DeleteWe thank you so much for being here. Love back, from both of us.
You have faithful friends. I love how everyone has hung in there with you. We don't want you to suffer but we don't want you to leave, either. I'm still praying for you, Andrew. Keep on rowing (row, row, row your boat).
ReplyDeleteNorma, Andrew doesn't want to leave either, and he'll keep rowing. And then, like Dory, keep on swimming. We so appreciate your being here, your loving friendship, and your prayers.
DeleteRest well dear man. Surrender. Your comments mean the world to me knowing how hard it is for you to write them. I hope you have a less painful time ahead.
ReplyDeleteKaren, thank you so much...we're so grateful for your kind words and thoughts. And for just being here.
DeleteGo well into the dark night
ReplyDeleteAndrew, there is a part of me so grateful you are yet with us and then, I am know how hard this is for you and Barb. I thin of you so often and pray for you both. May our God be merciful. The song ... you brought a smile ... know the song well. We often played Steve Winwood blasting in days past as we went boating and fishing. You brought back fond memories. And aren't we grateful for the gift of memory! Andrew, you and Barb will always be remembered well and with fondness. Praying!
ReplyDeleteYour words always bless me and I am inspired by your courage and perseverance. Thanks for sharing even when it is so hard. Love and prayers to you both!
ReplyDeleteSurrendering to the One who loves us can be oh so hard. Praying for you on this journey Andrew! He knows your days, and He smiles upon your outpouring of love for others!
ReplyDeleteStrong words which carry such meaning for all of us.
ReplyDeleteYou live surrender, Andrew. But in such a strong sense of the word. Love you you & Barb!
ReplyDeleteI'm praying extra hard for you. You're an amazing man and an inspiration to us all.
ReplyDeleteAnd still...you write faithfully. Praying that God draws you and Barbara close and shows you a deeper grace than before.
ReplyDeleteThank you.
Man, do we love you and what you bring to our community! Selfishly, we want you here... but we do not want you here in pain and suffering... Praying His Presence is near, tangible even... and trusting that His Grace and Comfort are wrapping around you both and holding you close! (And because... you know how I am... I'm praying for healing and wholeness and that the pain will ease up and restoration will manifest in your body as well as in your spirit! Mostly, I'm praying for Peace and Joy... because I believe He is just that good!)
ReplyDeletePraying for you, Andrew! The Last Lecture was a great book...but all it made me think of was, "I had no idea that they have counselors out there to help people navigate death--and I don't live in the category of people who can afford it!"
ReplyDeleteNone of us signed up for this life. Otherwise, if we had, we ALL would have chosen a life with no pain, no heartache, no sickness, no loss... but alas, like what's on a store shelf, there is only a limited quantity of that good life. No rhyme or reason as to why another person gets a life free of anything bad... while some of us have to claw and scrape every single day, handling as best we can what we've been dealt. Yes, love truly helps. It can be the one thing that keeps you from going over the edge and flailing into the abyss. If not for the true love of God, I doubt I would have been able to handle the things of my life as well as I have. Thank God for His loved poured down on us in the form of His precious Son, Jesus. He showed us true love so that we can show that same love to others.
ReplyDeleteWe heap loads of love and prayers on you guys as always!
"Living well": Andrew, you have done that and taught us a lot about what it can look like. Thank you!
ReplyDeleteI'm such a whimp today...sick with the flu. Wrote about it for FMF. As I was having a moment, I thought WWAD (what would Andrew do?) Then I realized I'm not Andrew, lol
ReplyDeleteGood song choice. love ya'll. Yes, you have lived well and loved well dear friend.
Andrew, it's so good to see you first again this week. I've been absent in print but present in spirit, and thinking and praying for you often.
ReplyDeleteLove is absolutely central to life... It certainly makes life RICHER, but it also makes it much more difficult to say goodbye. We often feel intense pain when we have to say goodbye to precious people in our lives (such is the international life), but that pain also comforts me because it means "we're doing this right." If we don't have Love, then we have nothing.
Much love to both of you.
Shauna
Love is the thing. So much stronger than how we feel. It is the thing that grows beyond our imaginings even when so much else fails. Our strength may fail, our intentions may fail, our bodies...but our love...it outlasts even us.
ReplyDeleteI humbly appreciate your generous heart.
Thank you for showering all of us with your love. Please know that I am praying for you and for Barb. I ask for peace, hope and the constant reminder that you are loved. That doesn't change no matter where you plant your feet.
Andrew, I think of you and your journey, chronicled in part on FMF, through your writings. And I think of Hebrews 11, referred by some as the "Hall of Faith" or the "Faith Hall of Fame." And brother, I believe that in our Father's eyes, you are among those listed there. Thank you for showing us that it is possible to keep trusting God, to keep loving, to keep being a good steward of His gifts, in the midst of horrendous and unimaginable pain. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteHugs to you and your wife. I wish I could do more. Thank you for your honesty and sharing your journey with all of us. Blessings to you.
ReplyDeleteYes, yes. It's all about loving well. As ever, you've nailed it, man ...
ReplyDeletePraying for you and Barbara this evening even as I tap away here.
Peace, peace ...
Andrew, you have lived and loved well and despite the horrendous symptoms and excruciating pain, you are revealing a man who is dying well too. Your will to write and connect is breathtaking, probably quite literally so for you. Home is preparing a hero's welcome for you, friend. Though your character and words will live on, making more of a difference than you can know right now. May you, who has fought such a valiant fight, go gentle into that long goodnight. Our thoughts, blessings, love and prayers encircle both of you with the peace that only God can give.
ReplyDeleteVery moving, in the worst and best way. It's painful to read along your journey, it's impressive to witness how you approach it all. May you be well received and rewarded!
ReplyDeleteyou have our prayers as you live through this last nightmare andrew. praying for you now...and for Barb...that GOD will be close to you both. and that His presence will be close to you as you make this long journey safe in His arms. may the GOD of peace be with you.
ReplyDeleteAndrew, you have loved so many of us well through your dedication to writing, even through the pain and sometimes-uncomfortable realities. May you feel that love returned through prayers at this very moment —and until you are welcomed in Love to eternity. God bless you with comfort and peace.
ReplyDeleteIt's Wednesday, which as you know is usually pizza & movie night. But since we're in Oz, instead we will be learning choreography and dancing across a chilly stage--it's below freezing out, but... #communitytheater. That said: we think of you and pray for you always. My little flying monkey in particular will cavort and scamper with you and Barb in our hearts. Today may you feel a double dose of God's grace, a fresh breeze of hope, joy, and mercy. May He refresh your spirit and--as is always my prayer for you both--flood your hearts with His deepest, richest peace.
ReplyDeleteThank you for the continued LOTR quotes. Today in our reading Aragorn & Co have just finished chatting with the Rohirrhim and are continuing their pursuit of the no-longer-as-captured-as-one-might-assume Merry and Pippin. Ride, men, ride!!! xoxo