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Thursday, October 29, 2015

Your Dying Spouse 76 - Heart Like Bacon {FMF}

Time for Five Minute Friday, the timed keyword-driven writing challenge hosted by the inimitable Kate Motaung. (We're also linked to Still Saturday. Wedded Wednesday, and Weekend Whispers.)

This weeks' word is BACON.

Execute.

When someone gets in the way of a flamethower, they're called crispy critters, or bacon.

The last couple of weeks, I walked into a spiritual flamethrower, and I'm fried.

A few hours after writing last weeks FMF post, I stopped breathing for a bit. It was terrifying; I was fully aware of what was happening.

Sylvia, the canine 'face; of this blog, came to the rescue, jumping up and down on my chest and yelling in my face. Canine CPR, and it worked. I'm shaky, but I'm still here.

That was the easy bit.

There was a very personal hit as well, from someone quite close; a very important relationship changed irrevocably (though it will continue), and I was left holding and empty box of future, and memories now condemned.

You're terminally ill, and some things you simply don't expect.

I walked outside after the moment of knowing, and while the sun was still shining, everything had dimmed. I was in the depths of a despair I have never known.

And I felt...taller.

In the dread transcendence, there was a challenge.

I could surrender to sorrow and bitterness, or I could play the man. I could rail against fate, or I could wear the stiff upper lip of my forefathers, and carry on with my duties with a smile and a courteous mien.

It doesn't matter that your insides have been torched. What you give the world is everything.

This is a process, and one I certainly would not have chosen...but in its arrival, I will, in every moment, try to act as a gentleman should, with forthright good humour, and the mildness demanded by good manners.

My morale is at the lowest point it has ever been; no matter. What matter now, and what vitally matters, is what I choose to do in every moment.

And I choose to play the man. To the end; not the bitter end, not the glorious end, but simply to the end.

Endex.

I ask you patience...I truly )especially now!) appreciate your comments, but I'm finding it difficult to answer quickly, and I have not visited as many of you as I would have liked. Please forgive that omission; I care about you guys, and I am doing the best I can.

46 comments:

  1. You are doing just fine friend. We understand you cannot read as many as you would like. I'm sorry you stopped breathing last week. Still praying for you friend. May God give you the strength you need now more than ever. I am parked right next to you in the #2 spot this week.

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    1. Tara, thank you for understanding...so many stop by so faithfully, and I felt terrible about not being able to visit in kind!

      And I truly appreciate the prayers. As you may gather, the need for them is not decreasing.

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  2. Andrew,
    I'm finding so much strength and courage in my spiritual flamethrower as I'm reading your novel this week. Maybe you need to go back and visit Scott. But not as Jose. Please, not yet. I have to finish it before I can give your book its proper remarks. I had stopped around page 46, I believe, and last night I finished at Chapter 31. I don't even know what page now.
    But, I think you have some good advice for yourself in those pages.

    Brother, we're being fried at the same time. So glad for your company. And you know what? Bacon smells absolutely disgusting when it's raw. We need that flame to burn off some of that excessive grease until we're perfected. And when we're perfectly baked, the glory of God will be our aroma.

    You are blessed and a blessing, Andrew!!
    So glad to see your post tonight.
    ~Tammy
    (#6 tonight in the linkup)

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    1. Tammy, thank you...and no, not as Jose. Not yet, and not, I hope, for a long time.

      Yes, raw bacon does smell pretty bad, and you got a smile out of me when you said that! But it's part of the process...God makes the stuff of Heaven out of...well, out of US.

      Miracles, anyone?

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  3. I have no idea where the comment I wrote a few minutes ago went, somewhere into cyberland. Wonky Computer tonight. You friend need no worries for not visiting or answering quickly. Writing is enough. We will pray, read and love on you as you face the days ahead. I did find my hand on my heart as I read about Syvia giving you CPR but then I realized you lived to tell about it, so all was as well as can be.As for the other, I am only sorrowful.

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    1. Yeah, Christy, I've had comments do that! I do thank you for having another go.

      Thank you so much for understanding the difficulty I am lately facing in being able to reply...but I am here today.

      Sylvia's quite proud of herself, and feels that she deserves the Order of the Bottomless Supper Dish for her efforts.

      And for the other...I'm sorrowful, too, but there's still work to be done, with a full - and unbroken - heart. Failure to attend to my duties is not an option.

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  4. Andrew, wow. Just wow. Your writing is so powerful. Your viewpoint so unique. And so needed by those like me whose main difficulty is passing my prelims. Thanks for the reminders of what is really important in life. I'm lifting you up in prayer now, for physical and mental strength for your every moment.

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    1. Katy, thank you so much...but remember, passing the prelims is important too! It's like pain, in a way...that which I experience...well, as I write this...is bad, and it's almost impossible to stand, but it doesn't negate the pain another feels from something they consider 'lesser'. It's individual, and contextual.

      Thank you so much for being here!

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  5. Hello Andrew.. Dropping in from FMF and once again your words touch that nerve I so neatly wrapped up in cotton wool and buried far, far away in my brain...Poignant reminder of a life and love of long ago and yet still so just yesterday. Wanting to simultaneously forget and yet NEVER forget ...May your precious Sylvia ever be nearby...Our beloved dogs are always so faithful and true...

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    1. Ariete, my heart goes out to you, for that ever remembered life and love. You are in my prayers.

      I passed your message on to Sylvia. She gave a big happy WOOF!

      Thank you so much for being here, and sharing.

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  6. Amazing post as always and it puts me in my place once again when it comes to job searching. So once again I tell myself, "Michele, you get to job search. Andrew does not." Bless you my dear friend.

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    1. Michele, thank you so much...but do be kind to yourself, because a job search is hard, too. It's all a matter of context and experience, and the difficulties you feel (and I have been holding you up in prayer) are every bit as challenging...it's just the context, the ambiance that are different.

      Dear Lord, please be with my friend Michele in her search, and guide her to the work that will let your power and plans for her come to full flower. I ask this in Jesus' name.

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    2. Thank you my friend, thank you. I will be kind to myself as a way of honoring our friendship.

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  7. Andrew -

    I'm glad every week when I see your post...your indomitable spirit is inspiring, and your humor.... You make me smile (sometimes through tears, but smile nonetheless.)

    What an amazing dog that Sylvia is - we've been going through some 'new dog' adjustments in our household with the adoption of a second ridgeback.

    You never need to feel obligated or remorseful that you don't respond to any comment I've made - I enjoy reading your responses, but I understand and would rather you preserve your precious energy.

    Again, gentle hugs to you and your wife - and tell that Sylvia that she's pretty darned impressive (as if you haven't already - big smile...)

    I hope this weekend is better than last, and pray supernatural comfort and peace, and strength.

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    1. Janet, that you so much! The gentle hugs are appreciated (and passed along), and Sylvia is feeling very proud of herself. Happy dog! Her whole body wiggles when she wags her tail.

      Ridgebacks! We have two, twin sisters named Josie and Reebok...aka "THEM!", as in "OMG, they're LOOSE!!"

      Not that they do anything bad, but they do a lot of very energetic GOOD things, and there are pawprints on the walls, higher than one might have believed possible.(This happens in the morning; they share a sleeping crate and store up a rather improbable amount of energy overnight. They need to be let out quickly to become the model citizens they usually are.)

      Thank you so much for the prayers. Today is tough, and being here to reply is physically trying, but I didn't want to miss it, and I am glad that well, so far, so good.

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  8. There's power in choice, isn't there, Andrew. You're not just playing the man, you're living it out.

    Hugs to Sylvia!

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    1. Indeed there is, Linda...the power that comes with submission to God's will.

      Sylvia just got her hug. She says, Thank you, Linda!

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  9. Good morning, brother! I am so sad to hear of the turn of events with your relationship... I can only imagine what happened and how that hurt your heart. You inspire us all in how - even in the midst of unimaginable pain --both physical, and otherwise-- you stay clear in the fact that you have a choice! A choice!? Can you even believe that? I love that you stay present and focused on releasing good and not allowing your circumstances or emotions to dictate how you react. Man... that is not easy when one is rested and healthy, so I know it must be even harder when you are battling fatigue and illness. Bravo, Andrew! Praying for you... for a miracle in body - and also in heart and mind and spirit, too! So thankful for that dog (those dogs!) of yours!

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    1. Thank you so much, Karrilee...it was and is a dreadful thing, but in a way illness makes it easier. Not in a 'fatalistic' way, but I'm already used to making choices to do what I can in spite of those things that make life very difficult. Illness also diminishes ego; my perspective's been fundamentally altered by having to maintain some measure of equanimity in the face of death, and other things are easier to deal with. Not easy, by any means...but I can see the sunlight of honourable behaviour on the other side of the rain. Does that make sense?

      Thank you so much for the prayers, and I am passing you love on tothe dogs!

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  10. Oh, Andrew, you are in my thoughts and prayers, my friend...to have stopped breathing; to have your faithful sidekick resusitate you...powerful and strong; and certainly every good reason to not have the time...strength...perhaps even desire...to visit our blogs; to answer our comments...YET, you do, Andrew! As you feel you can, you DO! And your efforts are so appreciated. I plan to go back and read the posts that I have missed because, well because I want to keep following your "journey" and keep encouraging you in whatever ways I can!

    Hang in there, Andrew...and reach out to HIM; He is the one who can give you strength and comfort for these times...

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    1. Barbara, thank you so much...I missed you when you were away, but know how busy and hard life can be for you. You are ever in my prayers, and I so appreciate yours!

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    2. I'm here, Andrew...I just finished reading and commenting on all of the posts that I have missed...and do not expect you to read them all! Praying you are doing better after that last bout of "breathing stopped"!

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  11. Praying for you, my friend! May the God of green hope hold you close.

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    1. Anita, thank you...I love the image, The God of Green Hope. Thank you for that, and always for the prayers.

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  12. As you have said, you are irrevocably changed by the knowledge of "it," something you did not wish to know but needed to know, and now are now dealing with it as best you can. It is a defining moment in your life. One does make choices, consequential choices, when in the deepest, darkest, most horrifying moments, those times when time stands still and you take stock of everything. That is when you know the stuff you are made of and find the strength and courage to continue on.

    I prayed before writing this post, I wanted God to show me what you need, He's good at doing that when I request it. I believe and think He would have me share with you the words in a a text I sent to a friend this week.

    Backstory...She's been going through all sorts of difficult life-changing things lately. For a year now, I've been a spiritual mentor to her, we barely knew each other before she reached out to me for advice. We meet weekly. I saw her slipping backwards recently when more hurtful stuff piled onto her plate and knew I must step in before she sunk back and lost what she had gained, it's so easy for that to happen. Here goes...I hope it has something useful.

    "This may help, not preaching, but would feel remiss if I didn't say it. There comes a time where you have to give it all up and surrender the load, your will, and it all...those things in your life that are troubling you and hurtful, to God, totally to Him. He's bringing you to a place where you can't handle it anymore. But He can. You must let Him. Ask Him. Seek Him. Listen to Him, to do it His way. This is a spiritual crisis as much as a personal crisis. I say this because I love you and I recognize the fear and worry."

    Her response came a few hours later: "You are correct Norma! Thank you for being my friend &speaking truth to me."

    We met yday over lunch. She's still struggling but was able to get a grip on the despair. I was encouraged. We hugged outside the restaurant and she began to pray, thanking God for getting her attention and for our friendship. I felt humbled.

    Know this, Andrew, some of us pray for you daily. Keep on keeping on. We're proud of you.

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    1. Norma, thank you so much for this; I truly appreciate the wisdom you've shared.

      And it is truly wisdom, for we all reach a breaking point, at some point, when the load becomes too heavy. It is such a relief that there is a loving God who stands ready to help carry it, when our pride finally allows for His kindness.

      And I am so glad that your friend - with your help! is on the path out of the darkness. My prayers are with her.

      And I do so appreciate the solid wall of prayers behind me. It is whatkeeps me going.

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  13. Brother, don't stress about us. We're here for you. We don't care if you visit our blogs and leave comments. We know that you love us. Let us love on you. I'm lifting you up to the Father today.

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    1. Marie, thank you so much; I truly, truly appreciate the understanding.

      And thank you so much for the prayers; I do feel - and need - the uplift.

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  14. Sending a smile your way today, and a thank you for being here. So glad you choose to share your journey here with us... as hard as it is. Words are failing me as usual to know what to say, or how to send the needed encouragement and strength. I must trust God to be all you need today.

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    1. Smile received, Ruth!

      I've come to learn that sharing this, and working to make something good of this fell voyage, is what has and does sustain me. When the temporal jobs fall away, there is still this witness to make, that life is STILL good, no matter what.

      And here's a reveal...my One Word for 2016 is...

      SnOoPyDaNcE!

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  15. Your words, as usual, leave me speechless. I am commenting only to let you know that I am reading and supporting you in prayer. May you find grace and peace in the midst of these hard days.

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    1. Michele, thank you so much for reading, and for commenting today. I truly value your support, and your prayers.

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  16. Nothing but love and prayers for you, friend. Thankful you're still here and writing. We're here for you, no need to worry about us. :)

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    1. Thank you, Jordan! It is a privilege to be here, and I am so grateful for the friendship and love I've received, from you, and from all.

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  17. Andrew, I cannot imagine the pain of all you have recently endured. Yet in choosing to be a gentleman, you truly have shown us all how to continue to live with courage & grace & forgiveness. Thank you for that! Praying for you this morning. And may I say, you are doing a wonderful job in this space. Grateful our paths crossed.

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    1. Joanne, you don't know how much your words lifted my spirits! It's been a harder-than-usual 24 hours, and you've opened a ray of sunshine.

      I'm glad we met, too.

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  18. Andrew, I am so sorry to hear of the heartache of this broken relationship. But oh, my friend, you keep going. You keep pointing me to Jesus. Every time I visit here I an encouraged to live another day, for even in your dying, you give others hope and courage to live. I am so thankful for your Sylvia dog, who came to your rescue, for surely the time is not yet come. Hang in there my friend, and never any need to comment. You have encouraged me greatly in my own journey and for that I am forever grateful.

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    1. Barbie...likewise. I;ve found so much wisdom, wit, and faith in your writing! You've encouraged me more than you will know.

      I told Sylvia what you said - she's wagging her tail and thinking...can I get a treat out of this? Of course, she will.

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  19. I haven't commented before (mainly because I don't have a Google account and wasn't smart enough to see that I could comment another way). Now that I have figured out how to do it I must tell you that your posts have never failed to touch my heart. I hate so much that you are suffering and pray that God will be with you and your wife through this. Know that what you say makes a difference in somebody's life. Peace and strength and courage be on you.
    Lynette

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    1. Lynette, thank you so much! (And I know that Blogger can make commenting hard!)

      I truly appreciate your prayers; the prayers of my friends are the wellspring from which I draw my strength to go on.

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  20. Andrew,
    I hate that you had to have this happen, but I love how you just keep going. I can't even imagine the pain in your life right now. I'm so inspired by your courage... Thank you for being so transparent in your sharing...
    I don't always comment, but I'm always reading and praying...

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    1. Pat, thank you! I really appreciate your being here.

      I have to figure that there is a reason behind all that's happening, but it's as if I'm walking on a road through a dark night...and who knows what sights the dawn may bring!

      And thank you for the prayers. They're very, very important to me. Truly.

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  21. You always bless me with your words when I visit here. Making the choice to live well is something you say, but more importantly it is what you do. Thank you for being a beautiful example for all of us. Continued prayers are coming your way.

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    1. Mary, thank you so much! You just gave light to the dark ending of a very hard day, and I so appreciate your kind words!

      And I truly appreciate the prayers.

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  22. Thankful for Sylvia!

    You are an ongoing inspiration.

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