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Thursday, August 13, 2015

Your Dying Spouse 43 - Learning To Let Go {FMF}

Time for Five Minute Friday, a timed writing challenge based on a keyword, hosted by Kate Motaung.

Today the keyword is learn.

Execute.

We've talked before about the dichotomy you experience as a caregiver. You're very much in the present, because that's where you have to be to help your terminally ill spouse.

But just as the life of your husband or wife will soon end...yours must go on.

And to be effective in the world, and a proper witness to the love you shared, you have to go on with your head high, and eventually a smile.

After all, would your mate want the rest of your life to be miserable? I don't want that for Barbara. I don't want the decades she has left to become an echoing memorial, marble replacing her warm heart.

She has to learn to let go, and so, dear caregiver, do you.

The first step in letting go comes when you accept the situation; when you face the bad news with sorrow, but without flinching.

Second, you have to maintain an active life that is yours. You're not beholden to death, but to life, and your daily choices have to reflect that.

If you have hobbies, keep them up as best you can, even if only through reading magazines. They may seem silly and trivial compared to the seismic wrecking you're experiencing, but they are anything but that in reality. They are supports that tie you to a wider world, and bring the wider world back to you

If you exercise regularly, don't stop, and if you don't exercise...start. It's easy to fall into a sedentary trap when you're a caregiver, and it's one of the worst things you can do. Being sedentary makes it easy to start brooding, and it invites a negative attitude that will be hard to shake later.

The endorphins you generate are the fuel on which positive thinking and positive action run. That you can stay positive will help the person in your care, but more importantly...it will help you. It will make you that much more resilient, and when the time comes for the maximum stress to begin...and it will, ere the end...you will be, not ready, but prepared.

Third, continue going to church, and if a support group for caregivers is available, go. You need helping hands now; you will need them more later.

Finally, when you are spending time with your spouse, do everything you can to be mindful, and present in each moment. Turn off the cell phone, and don't carry on a conversation while you're typing away on your laptop. Close the cover and give your spouse full attention.

Learning to let go in a way that brings grace has to begin with knowing how to hold on.

Endex.

What do you think? Are these effective methods? Can you suggest some more?

We're linked to Messy Marriage's Wedded Wednesday.

28 comments:

  1. I really appreciated you writing out about caretakers taking care for themselves, on how to hold on. I love that terminology. In a post I wrote called "Surviving our Blessings", one things I mentioned was to please "remember my family", meet their needs, that they get tired, that they need support, and to pay attention to them. Compassion fatigue is so real. And learning to let go and how to hold on is so crucial. What wise words. Wow. that's powerful stuff right here.

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    1. Thanks so much for being here, and adding your voice..."please remember my family" is grace elucidated.

      And yes, compassion fatigue is very real; as caregiving can consume our time, it can also consume our souls.

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  2. I especially relate to the need to keep exercise and keep yourself involved in a support group. I did neither. My caregiver journey ended up with my husband miraculously healed--but I suffered for 7 or 8 years after his recovery because I never took the time to process everything with empathetic listeners nor did I keep exercising.

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    1. I'm so glad for you, for that miraculous healing...and so sorry you had that long recovery time. It IS very hard to keep one's own needs for self-care 'current'; it goes against the societal paradigm of 'caregiver as martyr'...and that's the paradigm many caregivers hold, themselves...that if it's not a for, of martyrdom, it's not enough.

      Thanks so much for being here!

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  3. Profound truth here, again, Andrew. Thanks for giving a care-giver permission (so to speak) to be sorrowful as they realize what's coming. Sorrow but without flinching...working through the emotions without giving up because of them.

    And not being beholden to death? I can only imagine the difficulty of this. At the same time, it's necessary. Choosing to live is a daily, sometimes moment-by-moment choice. But to not make the choice? Is to choose death while alive. I hadn't really considered this before.

    I'm continuing to pray for you, and for Barbara, Andrew.

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    1. It's sad, but I think true, that a lot of caregivers do choose death while on the journey...that death of hope that leaves them embittered, and, sadly, the focus of that bitterness is often the person to whom they have devoted so much of their lives.

      Thank you for being here - and most especially for the prayers!

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  4. Andrew, another great post. Church really is a great place to go when someone is grieving. Oh and that last line is pure gold my friend! "Learning to let go in a way that brings grace has to begin with knowing how to hold on."

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    1. Thank you so much, Tara! I've found a lot of comfort in churches, in various parts of the world...one was no more than a burned and bombed-out shell, but God still kept His place amidst the rubble.

      And thank you for being here. I treasure your comments!

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  5. Well written again, Andrew. Your gifting is not wasted for a moment.
    I think I would add that it's good to find things that make you feel. Feel anger, feel grief, feel laughter. Find ways to put those feelings down. Journaling, painting, writing music, all the ways you can possibly do it, allow yourself to feel and then to process those feelings. They're real. Some are healthy to dwell in, and others need be brought out and put away and brought out again.
    So, here's a joke from my four year old. It's the first one she's told that made sense. Normally "why did the chicken cross the road? because it was a toaster." (lack of connection)

    "Why did the goat want to sing?"

    Wait for it....


    "Because it was in a Ba-a-a-a-a-nd!"

    :) Praying you and Barbara still find occasion to laugh along with every other feeling you are experiencing.
    ~Tammy
    (linked at sweet 16 this week)

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    1. Hey Sweet Sixteen!

      I loved the joke, because I LOVE goats. There is a goat story I will tell one day, when FMF has the right keyword. (It was a battle of wits, and the goat won.)

      Thank you for the prayers, Tammy. They mean more than you know.

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    1. Denise, you just brought tears - the good kind - to my eyes.

      Thank you for being here.

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  7. Andrew, my hubs broke his neck in Nov 2003 and wore a halo for 6.5 months and slept in a hospital bed in the laundry room. I was it...he could walk, move, etc and could do things himself but still with great limitation. After he recovered, I had a bout with sciatica that just about whooped my behind - I was being treated by a chiro and she was asking me all kinds of questions about my past and the different stresses of life. I told her everything, bad first marriage, single motherhood, a husband that broke his neck, etc. She said and I quote, "Good grief woman no wonder you're in pain - all these life stresses have become a pain in your A**." Yes, we laughed because it was so unexpected but THESE life journeys need to be dealt with and I think you outline some of the very important things a caregiver needs to give themselves. Bravo. And, of course you know I think you are one of the bravest people I know. xoxo

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    1. Oh, Susan, what you've gone through! And then sciatica...the chiro was right, in her analysis.

      Thank you so much for being here. Please pardon my late reply - it was kind of a bad weekend, physically.

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  8. Stopping by from Five Minute Friday - your words are wise. I wish I'd had them to share with my stepmother before my dad passed away. He had Parkinson's, and didn't want outside help. She was pretty much it, and I know it was tough on her. Thank you for sharing.

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    1. It is tough going it alone...and when circumstances make outside help a problem, it can be almost impossible. We need those connections, especially at those trying times...and we must, in a sense, 'practice' giving and receiving help when we're well..

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  9. Learning so much from your posts, Andrew. While I have my daughters nearby (as well as the grandchildren!) and a group of friends (hobby) and a church (Sunday lunch bunch, choir, deacons)...and I DO get away to myself to craft and work my hobby and shop and spend time with my daughters...I KNOW THERE WILL COME A TIME when I won't be able to be away as I am now. I KNOW this! And, I think I am prepared for it...

    Spending time with your spouse, focusing on that spouse and the time spent with them...I know I am lacking in that area. Exercising?! ME? Exercise?? Yet, I KNOW that I need to do this - for ME as well as for my spouse!

    Thank you as always for sharing your words with us...one of these days, when I need to "remember what Andrew said", I'll pull that book off the shelf, or pull it up on the computer, and read your wise words again!!! Thanks to you and Barb...and prayers for you both!!!

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    1. The wisdom's in you, Barbara...I've learned a LOT from your blog, and your comments here. You've influenced my thoughts and actions more than you know

      And thank you, again and always, for the prayers.

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    2. Boy, Andrew...you know how to give someone a whole bundle of encouragement! Thank you...I know my writing doesn't touch MANY; but my writing touches those who need to read it. I just pray that God continues to put the words into my heart to share...I'm certainly not doing it of my own...You are a true blessing and Man of God, Andrew; wherever you get those thoughts and actions.

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  10. I am just humbled by the wisdom you share here. Thank you.

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    1. Dawn, thank you so much. It's really a collaborative effort - I learn a tremendous amount from the people who comment here, sharing their experiences.

      Truly you all are a blessing.

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  11. You would talk about brooding when I've been doing that for a couple of weeks now. Insomnia pushes me down the dark hole.

    Thanks for a needed kick in the rear, my friend.

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    1. Aye, but with a velvet boot!

      You have earned the right to brood now and again, Marie; you've endured much, and brooding may, in the end, be that dark fertilizer that produces the brightest blossoms.

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  12. These are wise words and a beautiful heart shows behind them. Thank you.

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    1. Aurda, thank you so much for this. And thank you for being here. I appreciate you.

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  13. Agreed, Andrew! There is so much that a caretaker must remember to care of in his/her life, all the while caring for their loved one. It is a difficult balance, for sure! But I'm grateful that you see that and are encouraging not only your wife, Barbara, but others who might get so caught up in providing care that they don't stop to care for themselves. Great words of wisdom!

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    1. Thanks, Beth - it can be hard to almost push the caregiver out the door, saying "Get thee to the gym!"

      For one thing, I'm usually feeling awful enough that I'm grateful for both company and assistance...and for another, unless handled gently and well, it can seem like something of a rejection to the caregiver.

      It really has to be talked-out...preferably in a counseling milieu, to avoid misunderstandings becoming buried mines.

      Thanks for being here!

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