I don't do well with self-care when I'm sick or wounded. Recently I put a large hole into my hand (don't ask). I simply poured a dollop of rubbing alcohol into the wound and kept going.
It didn't seem like much, and even when the hand swelled up to twice its normal size (it got infected) I just opened the hole to let it drain. I also tried to keep it concealed; no point in causing undue concern, right?
Wrong. When my wife saw it, she was horrified., and asked what I was was planning to do if I lost the hand.
I joked that I'd just build myself a hook and keep going. I didn't think there was much chance of that happening, and I wasn't too concerned.
Boy, was that the wrong thing to say.
Exit wife, followed by a slammed door, but not before she said this:
"If you don't care for yourself, there will come a time when others decide that you're not worth their compassion, either. Keep pushing people away, and one day they will stay away."
She's right. My response was keyed to who and what I am, and that does not square with most people. It's not that I'm stronger or 'better'; my life experiences have made me different.
But different or not, it's incumbent on me to understand others' perspectives, and to be respectful of them. I can expect myself to take physical pain and keep going, with blood running down my arm...but not to take others' feelings into account, especially those of my wife, is simply thoughtless.
I don't have to change what I am, but I do have to learn to see and value myself as others do.
I am valued, for one thing...and being uncaring toward myself invites the question, "What will he do if I'm hurt? Will he even care?"
Ashleigh Brilliant wrote, "No man is an island but some of us are rather long peninsulas".
True. But we have to maintain that contact, because the alternative is not only the loss of the support we all need...it's the loss of what we can contribute when we lose the trust of those around us.
The trust that we care.
Today's post is my contribution to the Christian Marriage Bloggers Association October Blog Challenge - Words of Wisdom. This week it's "Words of Wisdom from Family".
Please click on the link below to visit other blogs taking the challenge - you'll fin a ton of enrichment for your marriage!
Wow! Your wife and I need a conversation. I have a DH like you, like you describe above. An incident last year brought about CPTSD and Delayed onset PTSD from childhood trauma and it brought us to our knees. I don't know how to handle this, or what to do or not to do; everything seems to be wrong. I try to remember mercy and unconditional love, but its the outbursts and pushing away that I don't handle well. I'm at the end, of my wits and knowledge. I feel like we're an island, adrift from all we were and had become. It's all different now and as much as I try to be the wife he needs, I don't know how to anymore, not like I was. I wonder if it will ever be the same, probably not, but will it ever be better than this? Or is this our new normal? Sorry, thanks for the ear.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad to be an ear, and I am listening.
DeleteYou're going through what my wife went through when the protocols I had put into place to control combat-induced PTSD were no longer working. I had a lifestyle that was built around coping; but when I married, and life changed, the coping mechanisms fell apart. I didn't understand that it would happen. We were divorced, then remarried, but it's never been easy for my wife.
The most important thing you can do for yourself and your marriage is to know that it's not about you - not the out burst, not the pushing away, not the depression...none of it. It's about something in your husband's soul that he can't reach, that hurts too badly for words.
So - take care of yourself. Do things that you enjoy daily, and don';t feel guilty. Not as a reaction, or from a sense that you've taken a lot of guff and you deserve it...but from that place that says you are worthwhile as an individual.
It's that place from which compassion can grow. Only a strong swimmer who's in control, and able to objectively assess the situation can save a drowning man. Emotion won't do it. Effort won't do it. Disciplined knowledge that the rescuer has to survive for the rescue to be effective is the only way.
This is part of the new normal, yes. I would love to say otherwise, but the changes are big, like injuries from a car accident. But it doesn't have to dominate life, and in time - it won't.
You do have to give it time. There is no quick fix, no "come to Jesus" moment that will make all the sorrow and anger fall away. But there is a path, and eventually it can lead back into light, and love, and hope.
Now to your second comment.
This: "If you don't care for yourself, there will come a time when others decide that you're not worth their compassion, either. Keep pushing people away, and one day they will stay away." It's happening.
ReplyDeleteAnd this: "But different or not, it's incumbent on me to understand others' perspectives, and to be respectful of them. I can expect myself to take physical pain and keep going, with blood running down my arm...but not to take others' feelings into account, especially those of my wife, is simply thoughtless.
I don't have to change what I am, but I do have to learn to see and value myself as others do." How do you (he) get here? How do you change the mindset?
I know he loves me and cares for me. How to reconcile the actions that don't support the knowledge?
How to reconcile the actions that don't support the knowledge...that's not easy.
DeleteThe answer is animated by the analogy of the rescue swimmer, above. You've got to be strong enough to get past the dangerous flailings of the drowning individual. It's not just strength - it's also knowledge, and training.
You can't change someone else's mindset, but you can become big enough to absorb the blows until that person realizes that he's in a place of safety.
A the very least, you should read as much as you can on coping with PTSD from a spouse's perspective. There's a lot of recent literature, and some is specific to the roots of your husband's illness.
And, yes, it is an illness. It's like getting cancer; not everyone gets it, some get types that are easily treatable, some live for years with pain, and some don't last long at all.
So...back to the basic question - how to reconcile actions that don;t show love?
Look for the love in the small things, and try, to the degree you're able, to overlook the others, writing them off against illness and pain.
It doesn't mean a form of martyrdom for you...you can and should stand up when you're hurt, and be able to say, "Do NOT say or do that again".
(If verbal abuse becomes a pattern, get professional help immediately, and keep your foot in the door, so to speak. If there's physical abuse - get out.)
You're in a hard position,and my heart goes out to you. If there's any way in which I can help, I'm here.
Thank you. This means more to me than you can ever know.
ReplyDeleteI read Shock Waves and it explained him to me in an eye opening way. I still can't figure the self-care, or taking care of myself. It's all I can do sometimes to keep him alive and doing things I enjoy is mostly out of the question.
I keep swimming, because I love him. Thanks again.
You're very brave, and I salute you.
DeleteThe road to self-care can consist of very small steps...taking five minutes to enjoy a cup of coffee and a few paragraphs from a book, or the chance to listen to a song. That can go a long way. It's what I did when I was growing up in a highly dysfunctional household.
Keep swimming...but remember that you can only do so much. There are times when the rescuee will pull himself from one's grasp, and the best effort of which one is capable is not enough..
My thoughts are with you.
I had never heard this quote before, "No man is an island but some of us are rather long peninsulas." It's terrific and one I will definitely remember. You sound like my boys and husband...admirable, but stoicism doesn't always equal wisdom...I hope your hand is better now!
ReplyDeleteStoicism doesn't always equal wisdom...exactly right.
DeleteAndrew, Your wife sounds like a very wise woman. It is so important for us to learn from other people's perspectives. Even if sometimes we just listen and throw some of them out. Others will be foundational information. And maybe this is why God has placed them in our life in the first place!
ReplyDelete