Bonhomme Richard

Do you see the face in the clouds, top centre?

Sometimes it feels like the beginning of my end.

Feelings lie.

It's not even the end of the beginning.

It's been bad and getting worse,

can't walk across the bloody room

without breath rasping as a curse

that paints a picture of my doom,

and nothing's helping anymore,

not cheap cigars nor beer nor wines,

and I see a swinging door

leading to my end of times.

But I remember what I was,

though I wasn't worth a lot.

I only mention this because

what I was is what I've got,

and in the fading of the light,

I've not yet begun to fight.

The Five Minute Friday prompt this week is PERSIST. Appropriate.

They ask me why do I persist,

and not give up and die?

I'll tell you, mate, if you insist:

love's the reason why.

I love all aspects of my life,

the fabric of my days,

my dogs, the cat, and my dear wife,

and, of course, the God I praise

by giving every day my all,

and giving every job my best.

Sometimes what I can do is small,

but I force myself to pass the test

to care more than I can afford

as a present to the Lord.

Four minutes fifteen. That'll do

Music from Sister Hazel (opening in a new window) with All For You.

Sylvia approves.

When Your Platform Finds You

I don't like to recycle stuff, but what follows is an exception, a comment I wrote for a post written by Dan Balow for the Steve Laube Agency blog, Personal vs. Professional Social Media.

My personal and professional lives are, of necessity, thoroughly blended; my life has become my product.

Not something I wanted; all I really aimed at was being a Paperback Writer, but it seemed that God had other plans. No one in his right mind would choose an extended bout with pancreatic cancer, but I accept it without demur, because to do otherwise would be to question God’s mercy and goodness. “Not my will, but Thine” is what it comes down to, but it can be really hard to do.

And from that acceptance arises a calling and ministry, that life goes on and that there is a way to fully live, even when the experience becomes crushingly hopeless (like, say, right now, as I write this).

Though living in public, so to speak, can attract oddballs, I haven’t run across any, ’cause I can pretty much out-weird anyone.

It’s not something to despise,

but can be hard to understand,

and I wish that it were otherwise,

but my life has become my brand,

days passed to be an example

of how to reinvent a life

when it has been sorely trampled

and rearranged by cancer’s knife,

and it’s a legend I must live,

a full-time job and ministry

in which I am compelled to give

all the very best of me,

optimistic, laughing, light,

and more become that which I write.

The Five Minute Friday prompt this week is HAVE. Have I got what it takes? Guess we'll see.

They say you've got to have a platform,

all the agents say it's true.

Some are made and some are born,

and sometimes platform will find you

if you keep unfettered mind,

and heart open to God's breeze,

and beyond that don't be blind

to some time spent on your knees

asking for the Lord's direction

(getting that is really nice),

and when you get it, no reflection!,

just take that Divine advice

and let your newly burnished soul

achieve your brightest platform goal.

Four and a half minutes, with Strawberry the Mastiff barking in my ear.

Music (opening in a new window) from the score to Kenneth Brannagh's Henry V by Patrick Doyle, Non Nobis, Domine.

Sylvia thinks another kind of brand may be applied shortly, if I'm slow with the ice cream. 

High Times

Things are really kind of rough, which is why I'm writing this in the middle of the night while listening to Joyce Meyer. Pain and nausea just preclude sleep.

Yes, medical marijuana had been suggested, is legal in my state (so is 'recreational' marijuana), and no, I don't use it.

Why not?

Read on...

Bigfoot arrived at the ball,

wearing a tuxedo,

and there he leaned against the wall,

smoking a torpedo.

Someone told him Cheech and Chong

described the best life to be had,

but it wasn't very long

'fore he got the munchies, really bad.

First the hors d'oeuvres disappeared,

and it wasn't that much later

(just as everyone had feared)

that he tried to eat the waiter,

and thus is learned the reason why

you don't get a mythic creature high.

The Five Minute Friday prompt this week is REALIZE.

Or maybe REAL EYES?

Whatever.

I once knew a stoner dude

who really should never have used,

because his once-sharp attitude

came to be dazed and confused.

He once forgot where he had left

his vital backpack and his bike,

and new-bought gear he had to heft

on his lengthy get-home hike,

only to find said Missing Schwinn

still parked in his living room,

and backpack (with all kept within)

resting in the shadowed gloom

of the closet, dark and cool

of a weed-besotted fool.

Three minutes for a true story, and this was a friend worth having.

Music from Brewer And Shipley (opening in a new tab) with One Toke Over The Line.

Sylvia's high is McDonald's ice cream. Mine, too.

Thy Will

Please, God, let this cup pass from me,

c'mon, let's find another way!

There's got to be a path You see

to let me 'scape that fatal day.

I really do enjoy My time

walking 'round this dusty place.

Would it really be a crime

to extend a little grace

so I can ride back out again,

leave behind this sense of doom,

leave behind the coming pain,

the drama of the Upper Room,

and with my buds have some more fun?

But, yeah, OK, Thy will be done.

The Five Minute Friday prompt this week is OWN. Can I own it?

Just how did the Lord God own

that His Son would have to die

on the Cross, feeling alone

without a chance to say Goodbye?

What could have been worth so much

for that awful sacrifice?

What on Earth had moved Him such

that He turned His heart to ice?

Do you know it, can you speak

to the reason for Christ's death?

Or are you afraid to seek

the answer; it may steal your breath?

But we must face it, for it's true:

the Cross bore Christ for me and you.

Three minutes and just under fifty seconds.

Music from Jesus Christ Superstar (opening in a new window), Could We Start Again, Please?

 Sylvia understands.

 

The Freedom

These are the new blossoms on the mulberry tree Barb planted last summer. It made it through winter!

I have learned this, that courage is chosing not to run away any more.

And to run to something greater than one's own heart.

I wish that I were brave enough

that I might cry out to God

to say I'm not so very tough,

that being hard is just a fraud.

I wish that my veneer would snap

(it truly might be for the best),

that I'd weeping crawl into His lap

and lean my head against His chest.

I wish that I could pour my heart,

free it from its cage of fears

and feel the awesome beauty start,

my cleansing in His flowing tears.

I pray I may be reconciled

to being man enough to be His child.

And now I'm free.

The Five Minute Friday prompt this week is BREAK. Love to take one, but I'll write this first.

I didn't think that I would break,

and I didn't, this is true.

I just decided not to fake

my heart no more, for God nor you.

The nights are getting really rough,

and now I long for every dawn.

That blush of eastern light's enough

to keep my soul keep keeping on,

but I can't do this by myself;

I thought I could, yeah, what a dunce!

I put my pride back on the shelf,

and then I realized at once

that something had happened to me;

once my own slave, I was now free.

Three minutes fifty seconds, rounded up. I can live with it, and live well.

Music from Slim Dusty, with Waltzing Matilda.

 "I'm proud of you, Dad. You finally grew up." - Sylvia 

 

Barb's Voice - Control The Emotion

 

Over to Barb. She'll be answering any comments you might care to make, under my name.

The Five Minute Friday prompt this week is FOLLOW. Following God's will, even when not liking it, is the heart of what, well, follows.

Andrew and I were having one of our deep conversations, don't ask me how it got started, this is normal and has been since day 1.  

The portion that became important for the blog went something like this.

Honey I so sorry you're not feeling well. I wish I could change it or fix it or you could go "Home". But God really doesn't care about how I feel about it. I've already cried over it, prayed more times than I can count, mourned over it. I still pray for you, usually in terms of: "Hey God can ya do something about it? Make it stop, reduce the escalation of pain, take him Home, Something!" All I can do is try to help the best I can. I'm not being disrespectful when I'm saying God doesn't care about how I feel about all this. Everything has to play out for the Bigger picture, you know I love You. I just don't have to like all the suffering. (Andrew didn't know but like many times before, once again I had an image of Mary the Mother of Jesus having to watch His agonizing suffering).  

I went to walk a dog or two and Andrew and I talked again. This time more him than me. The summation is this. Andrew basically doesn't like equating himself with Jesus and Jesus' suffering, mostly because Jesus' was for all mankind. I get that! Yet, I reminded Andrew that as true Children of God, who accepted His gift of forgiveness and grace, we reflect imperfectly Jesus to the world. So the suffering Andrew successfully endures...and as Andrew said writes about is a Jesus reflection.

So why blog it? The point is this, Paul tells us to give Thanks in All Things. But honestly in the midst of it, you have to stop your emotions! And I'm sorry, but some times pain overtakes the moment, even for Paul, or Peter, or Silas, or Stephen, or countless others. There is a moment in the midst of pain that pain ceases to exist strongly and one can stop the emotions. In this moment, you need to accept your feelings don't matter.

Music from Amy Grant, with Don't Try So Hard.

Hey Ho Here We Go

There is no-one to whom I owe

my laughter and good cheer.

Disagree? Well, you don't know,

mate, 'cause you are not here

to see the epic sufferings,

melodramatic pain

that this kind of cancer brings

when you're circling the drain.

Except maybe I got this wrong,

and made it all 'bout me,

when in truth I just belong

to larger community

that I see, in yonder looking-glass,

has strong call upon my...uh, donkey.

The Five Minute Friday prompt this week is STORY.

It is the story of my life,

I just cannot get a break

(eye-roll by The Barb, my wife),

but surely God's made some mistake

that looking like Asian Brad Pitt,

and with the grace of Jackie Chan,

I just cannot seem to fit

into Hollywood's big master plan,

that I could become rich like Croesus,

living in Aspen, or Bel Aire,

with entire island-leases

to take perhaps a Christmas there

with daiquiri in my hand

enjoying sun and surf and sand.

That was quick. Under three and a half minutes.

Music from Winnie The Cattle Dog - Her 30-Second Trailer.

 It'll open in a new window.

Winnie's video left Sylvia exhausted and hungry. Ice cream time!