Your Dying Spouse 270 - The Safe Place {FMF}

We're here again with Kate Motaung and Five Minute Friday, the timed keyword-driven writing challenge. Please drop by, and meet some awesome writers.

The word this week is...SAFE.

OK.

I spent most of my life sleeping with a pistol under my pillow.

I don't do that now; for one thing, my dear wife would be rather freaked out if I did, and for another, my pillow is now a very large and capable Pit Bull. Sylvia, please take a bow (you too, Barb!)!

There are terrors in the night, and I wanted a safe place.

But my nights are really no longer threatened by angry folks carrying AKs and machetes. They're now ruled by pain that just won't end, and eerie dreams that put me back into places I am tempted to describe, but won't, because I don't want you to throw up whist reading this. I'm not kidding.

I want a refuge, a safe place for my heart.

There are people who scorn safety, .the 'extreme adventure athletes' who think that risking their lives just for the sake of doing it is somehow a virtue.

These people are idiots. I know; I used to be one.

I want a safe, warm place where I can rest. I've done enough; more than enough.

And I have one. My home, where I'm cared for by my lovely and loving wife, and a lot of dogs.

But...I think every day of the people for whom this would be an impossible dream.

I have a refuge; but what of the refugee?

Am I more beloved of God than the Syrian Christian, or the Iraqi Shi'a, or the Somali animist who just wants to be anywhere but where they are now?

Emma Lazarus' poem on the Statue of Liberty can't become public policy and more than can An American Tail or Neil Diamond's famous song about immigrants.

And even more, what of our own citizens whom we have ignored? What of the twenty-two veterans who kill themselves every day because PTSD is too hard to live with? What of our senior citizens who are effectively denied medical care because they can't afford the co-pays and deductibles? What of the children trapped in failing schools by a system that is more willing to consider them examples than people?

We can't ignore the terrors without, lest our oasis of liberty become surrounded by a blood-dimmed tide.

We can't ignore the terrors at home, because they will cause the moral ground to open beneath our feet and swallow us.

I don't have any answer except to know that do nothing is not an answer.

And rest assured...God is watching.

As you do this to the least of My children, you do it to Me.

I have another blog, "Starting The Day With Grace". The focus is a grace quote from someone you might not expect (like, say Mick Jagger) and a short commentary. I hope you'll join me.

Marley update... been moved to a sanctuary, and Bay County will revise their 'dangerous dog' codes.

WE MADE A DIFFERENCE!

And marley has a Facebook page! Please drop by to see how happy he is today.

If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.

Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.

Your Dying Spouse 269 - Give A Day

We're linked with Messy Marriage's From Messes To Messages, a great resource for marriage and relationships...please check it out!

Many years ago, I had a Pit Bull, kareem, who had developed a brain tumour. It did respond to treatment, but the medication made him feel very ill indeed.

On Thanksgiving Day, during that period, Kareem crawled up into my lap and curled up, for comfort. This was not a trivial exercise, as he was a 90-lb dog, solid muscle.

And so I spent the afternoon with him. I had plans, but chose to set them aside.

It was the best decision I ever made, because while whatever I had intended to do would have been long-forgotten by now, a couple of decades later, the afternoon I spent with this small and tough soul nestled against me is burned into my memory. I never regretted it.

Days like this will happen for you, dear caregiver. You'll have plans, and your spouse and patient will look at you with mute appeal, from the depths of aplace you can feel but can't know.

Take the time. Cancel the plans, and be there in the moment, because one day those moments will never come again.

You won't be sorry.

I have another blog, "Starting The Day With Grace". The focus is a grace quote from someone you might not expect (like, say Mick Jagger) and a short commentary. I hope you'll join me.

Marley update... been moved to a sanctuary, and Bay County will revise their 'dangerous dog' codes.

WE MADE A DIFFERENCE!

And marley has a Facebook page! Please drop by to see how happy he is today.

If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.

Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.

Your Dying Spouse 268 - Lessons From The Super Bowl

I'm not a big football fan; I learned to watch it because Barbara really enjoys the game, and I'm glad I did, because the stunning come-from-behind win of the New England Patriots has some valuable takeaways for caregivers and patients alike.

At one point in the first half, that Atlanta Falcons led by 25 points...and never had a winning SUper Bowl team come from more than a ten-point deficit.

But Tom Brady, the Patriots' quarterback, led his team to a tie in regulation time, and a win in overtime.

How did he do it?

• He didn't accept the odds as holy writ - the immense lead the Falcons had was an obstacle, and a big one, to overcome, but he saw a path by which it could be overcome.
• He played the Patriots' own game - every team has its own strengths and weaknesses, and he played to the patriots' strengths. He didn't try to adapt on the fly, and change the game they had developed together
• He didn't get desperate - the Patriots moved the ball upfield to successive touchdowns through solid plays, unspectacular in themselves but absolutely tunning in their overall effect. He didn't go for 'Hail Mary' passes to score quickly; he used the time on the clock to develop a strategic, and winning, position.
• Neither he nor anyone on the team ever gave up, or slacked off from giving their best.

How can this help the caregiver and patient, in facing terminal illness?

• Accept the diagnosis, but don't accept the prognosis. It's been said that someone who thinks he will die on a given day usually finds a way to make it happen.
• Be yourself - don't think of other caregivers or patients as doing a 'better' job, don't compare. Play to your own strengths as individuals, and as a caregiver-patient team.
• Don't grasp at far-fetched solutions - the preacher who offers his own unique miracle cures can do more harm than good if the cure doesn't take, and the apricot-pit cancer treatment that's hyped on the Internet can distract you from remedies that may really help. (This is what killed Steve McQueen at least months before his time.)
• Don't give up. When there's a setback or a deterioration in condition, don't say, "I knew this was coming!" Giving voice to negativity reinforces despair, and the best weapon you have is hope.

What do you think? Are these valid conclusions? What might you add?

I have another blog, "Starting The Day With Grace". The focus is a grace quote from someone you might not expect (like, say Mick Jagger) and a short commentary. I hope you'll join me.

Marley update... been moved to a sanctuary, and Bay County will revise their 'dangerous dog' codes.

WE MADE A DIFFERENCE!

And marley has a Facebook page! Please drop by to see how happy he is today.

If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.

Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.

Your Dying Spouse 267 - Being Fair To God {FMF}

We're here again with Kate Motaung and Five Minute Friday, the keyword-driven timed writing challenge that produces so much fine work...and makes me want to be a better writer!

I'm writing ahead of time, again (sigh). Illness makes it questionable that I will be able to write anything coherent after the word's revealed, but I will try to work it in.

(The word's BREATHE. Well, that fits. As I write this addition, I'm having some pretty bad chest pain and it's hard to breathe.)

It has been quite a week. Still losing ground from the basic situation, shortness of breath and chest pain, a broken ankle, and the death of a beloved dog, Indie the Aussie. He was far too young, took suddenly sick, and it hurt to watch him die. There was no chance to get him to the vet.

Well, here goes...

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." - Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)

This is a passage that really gave me problems, and I heard it or read it every day as an example of God's promises. Barring a miracle, I figured I wouldn't be prospering, and the words hope and future receded day by day.

So what gives? Well, it's simple. Jeremiah 29:11 is one of the most cherry-picked verses in the Bible and one of the most misapplied.

And I fell for it.

What I failed to remember was that it applies to the Jews sent into exile in Babylon. It wasn’t necessarily meant for the individual.

Jeremiah 29:10, immediately preceding (duh!) Jer. 29:11, goes like this -

"This is what the LORD says: ‘When seventy years are completed for Babylon, I will come to you and fulfill my good promise to bring you back to this place.’"

A lot of people didn't even live seventy years!

And to cap it, here's Jer. 29:4 -

"This is what the LORD Almighty, the God of Israel, says to all those I carried into exile from Jerusalem to Babylon:"

It's a corporate promise, not just a personal one. And here I was being mad at God for not promising me prosperity, and a hope, and a future.

But it doesn't mean I don't have them. God does have a plan for me. It is His, and not necessarily mine, but it is for the best.

My prosperity is the love of the friends I have made.

My hope is that I can convince one more person that no matter how dark the night, life is still worth living, because when it's dark out, you can see the stars.

My future is the next moment and the opportunity it affords to act, speak, and write kindly and in faith, encouraging all, and offering a helping hand to those whose hope is fading.

Thus, the promise is personal, and thus the promise is kept.

And the musical theme is Lonestar's With Me...

I have another blog, "Starting The Day With Grace". The focus is a grace quote from someone you might not expect (like, say Mick Jagger) and a short commentary. I hope you'll join me.

Marley update... been moved to a sanctuary, and Bay County will revise their 'dangerous dog' codes.

WE MADE A DIFFERENCE!

And marley has a Facebook page! Please drop by to see how happy he is today.

If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.

Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.

Your Dying Spouse 266 - Caregiver Vacations

We're linked with Messy Marriage's From Messes To Messages - please drop by for some great marriage resources!

The thought of a vacation for a caregiver may sound like an impossible dream...and may give rise to a sardonic comment, or even a sarcastic one.

Obviously, though, we're not talking about two weeks in Fiji (unless, of course, you can afford to bring in qualified help while you're on the beach!).

No, the vacations I have in mind are the small graces you can give yourself, and require only a few hours of respite care to give you some time off...or nothing special at all.

• Spa Day - If you can find a day's worth of trustworthy respite care, consider giving yourself a spa day, with a massage, skin and nail care, a facial...well, maybe not all that if you're a dude, but a massage sure works for everyone
• Bookstore Browsing - If you have a decent bookstore close by and can arrange respite care, take a couple of hours to browse what's new in books and magazines. It's an experience that can lift you out of yourself, and give you a look into a wider world
• Miniature Golf - Yes, you read that right. The perennial summer-evening recreation is a great way to relieve stress, and gentle activity that nonetheless has a focus that will keep you occupied.
• Bowling - Another perennial, and it can be a great (Boom!) stress-reliever
• Go To The Movies - Many cinemas have lower-priced matinees, and if you can break away for a couple of hours you can get lost in an on-screen world
• Arts and Crafts - This is something you can do while caregiving...you can teach yourself to sketch to some degree of satisfaction (I did, so anyone can!), and there's plenty of craft opportunities available that will keep your hand and mind occupied while being 'on call'
• A Special Meal For One - Chances are that your diet is dominated by the culinary needs of your spouse/patient, but why not occasionally treat yourself to a special meal? 
• Climb To A High Place And Gaze - Mountaintops, and even rooftops, can elevate our spirits as well as our bodies, and I always found peace in height.

What would you suggest for a caregiver mini-vacation?

I have another blog, "Starting The Day With Grace". The focus is a grace quote from someone you might not expect (like, say Mick Jagger) and a short commentary. I hope you'll join me.

Marley update... been moved to a sanctuary, and Bay County will revise their 'dangerous dog' codes.

WE MADE A DIFFERENCE!

And marley has a Facebook page! Please drop by to see how happy he is today.

If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.

Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.

Your Dying Spouse 265 - What We Value

This will be a short post, and I'm sorry. The situation worsens, and I can barely use my arms and hands, and I have a broken ankle.

Added to this some really bad memories suddenly resurfacing, and the sudden death of a beloved member of the canine family...Indie, an Aussie Barb had known literally from his birth.

So I am lacking heart and strength to write much, but I was thinking about a question, and would love your thoughts:

How much love and effort do we freely give to stuff that can never love us back?

By this I mean crafts and hobbies and writing and philosophy and physical fitness and...well, you can add to the list.

These things aren't bad in themselves, and can refine the love we have for others by making us happier and more well-rounded, but so often - as I have done - we carry them to extremes.

And we leave behind the love we might have had, the friendships that might have sustained us, and the acceptance of our place in a mutual embrace that may have made us more human.

I'd love to hear what you think.

I have another blog, "Starting The Day With Grace". The focus is a grace quote from someone you might not expect (like, say Mick Jagger) and a short commentary. I hope you'll join me.

Marley update... been moved to a sanctuary, and Bay County will revise their 'dangerous dog' codes.

WE MADE A DIFFERENCE!

And marley has a Facebook page! Please drop by to see how happy he is today.

If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.

Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.

Your Dying Spouse 264 - There's Still Work To Do {FMF}

We're here again with Kate Motaung and Five Minute Friday, the timed, keyword-driven writing challenge that attracts some really awesome writers.

Once again, because of declining health, I'd having to write this ahead of time, but I will try to work in the keyword when it's revealed. I ask your pardon for this.

(The word's CONTROL, and it does fit.)

And so...

This will be hard to write, but I have to be honest. I need to find my way back from the place where I went willingly, facing death. Because, you see, I took a wrong turn.

I froze out my wife, thinking I had to be tougher than pain, and harder than death itself. I  sacrificed love and intimacy on the altar of what I thought was necessary for survival.

I played a role; I played to an audience of one...me. Control the audience, and you can control fate. Wrong.

I turned away offers of help unless I had no choice. I turned away offers of comfort because I thought they would weaken me.

I turned away expressions of love and care, freely given, because I thought that the more i could do for myself today, the more I would still be able to do tomorrow.

And in so doing I completely missed the point of love, life, and faith.

Life isn't about what you do; it's about one thing, and one thing only...

Life is about how you love.

But it's not too late. I can tun back to the path I so foolishly despised. I can accept the help and affection; I can be open in how much life hurts now.

I can accept a shoulder on which I can cry, and the embracing arms in which I can find shelter and rest.

It won't happen overnight; I have to chip away at the cold stone walls I built that I thought were a fortress, and that became a prison.

I may not make it all the way back, but I'd rather die facing forward on the right road.

The musical inspiration comes from the band America; I hope you'll give it a listen.

I have another blog, "Starting The Day With Grace". The focus is a grace quote from someone you might not expect (like, say Mick Jagger) and a short commentary. I hope you'll join me.

Marley update... been moved to a sanctuary, and Bay County will revise their 'dangerous dog' codes.

WE MADE A DIFFERENCE!

And marley has a Facebook page! Please drop by to see how happy he is today.

If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.

Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.