Your Dying Spouse 253 - Work As A Caregiver's Vacation

Shakespeare wrote that "if all the years were playing holidays, to sport would be as tedious as to work."

But caregiving is no holiday, and you, dear caregiver, may find yourself in the odd position of finding your job as a vacation from caregiving, and something to which you look forward.

Additionally, when offered vacation time, you may cringe...because you know that it will likely just mean more time spent at home with your husband or wife, the patient.

This can be a source of guilt, but it shouldn't be. There can be an isolation and sameness in caregiving that's almost soul-destroying. You're locked into a routine that's constrained and constricted by another's infirmity, to begin with.

It's like going for a walk with a toddler. It may be fun for awhile, but at length, having to walk bent over, and having your normal stride limited to baby steps, it becomes a trial.

You don't love the toddler any less for that, but it's a relief when the walk's done.

There's also the limited round of shared activities. About the best barbara and I can do is watch DVDs together, and we've seen everything in our collection, several times.

I don't mind. These are the boundaries of my life, and I've leaned to appreciate the nuances of film-making and storytelling because, well, I have had to.

But she belongs to a wider world, and I imagine it can be excruciating for her. I think she knows the Lord Of The Rings trilogy by heart.

So it is likely something of a relief for her when Monday morning comes. It would be for me.

And I hope it's not a source of guilt, if she feels this way. I'd hate that.

If you're a caregiver and you look forward to your job with a joy that feels almost unseemly, what can you do to assuage any feelings of guilt?

• Accept the feeling as normal - you'e not the one who's sick, and feeling forced into the lifestyle of illness is unfair and frustrating. While your marriage vows (or loyalty, if you're caring for a parent or sibling) put you here, you didn't ask for this. Be gentle with your own heart. You're human.
• Don't overcompensate - don't try to make your home, caregiving life something that it's not. If you hit the ground running and bursting with energy to try to rev up the life you're in, you stand a good chance of wearing your patient out, and creating frustration all around.
• Encourage diversity - if you're stuck with watching movies, subscribe to Netflix or a similar service if finances permit. Or try board games, if you both find some enjoyment there. If you can go out together,plan trips to museums or cultural activities that will not be over-tiring for the patient, and that you can still enjoy even if the activity's limited in time and scope.
• Above all, don't share the feeling of 'work as vacation' at home! - you patient likely knows that caring for him or her is a trial, and limits your life. Emphasizing it can be a body-blow to a person whose self-eteem is already shaky.

What do you think? Are there other ways you can add to deal with this issue?

I have another blog, "Starting The Day With Grace". The focus is a grace quote from someone you might not expect (like, say Mick Jagger) and a short commentary. I hope you'll join me.

Marley update... been moved to a sanctuary, and Bay County will revise their 'dangerous dog' codes.

WE MADE A DIFFERENCE!

If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.

Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.

Your Dying Spouse 252 - Dying of a Broken Heart?

According to CNN (and Debbie Reynolds, who, I suppose, should know), you can die of a broken heart.

It's all a matter of stress hormones and stuff like that.

Whatever. I don't want Barbara to go through that.

Death is a part of life. I've buried friends. Too many, but you don't always get what you want in this life. I've learned that life does indeed go on.

And I want life to go on for Barbara, after I am dead. I want her to have joy and bright days and feelings of satisfaction and accomplishment that are unshadowed.

And above all, to feel God's grace.

Sure, she'll mourn. That's to be expected. But mourning has to have an end.

God did not intend for us to be crushed by sorrow, or worse, the sentimentality that turns the transition from this life to the eternal one into a kind of tragedy.

I'm not saying she should say, "Whoop-te-do, he's in heaven!" That's silly; it's a childish theology.

After all, Jesus wept at the death of Lazarus.

But I earnestly pray that my wife will be held by God in her grief, and that like a rainshower, the grief may move on.

And like that rain, that it, and my life, may water the soil of her future, bringing out new green shoots of hope.

(Please pardon the brevity of this post. I have the flu. We're linked with Kate Motaung's special post on 'Best Books Of 2016', but I can't for the life of me remember what I read.)

I have another blog, "Starting The Day With Grace". The focus is a grace quote from someone you might not expect (like, say Mick Jagger) and a short commentary. I hope you'll join me.

Marley update... been moved to a sanctuary, and Bay County will revise their 'dangerous dog' codes.

WE MADE A DIFFERENCE!

If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.

Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.

Your Dying Spouse 251 - Don't Be Eeyore

Please don't get me wrong; I have nothing against Pooh's friend, that lovable and gloomy donkey. But the Eeyore mindset has no place in caregiving.

It's an easy trap; if you're predisposed to look at worst-case scenarios, and you see your husband or wife declining, it's very tempting to give what feels like reassurance: "It's OK, I've seen this coming for a long time. I expected this setback."

It feels like it should be comforting, but for many patients, it's not.

The patient may be walking a knife-edge of hope, unrealistic perhaps, but real to him or her. To suddenly be confronted with the knowledge of how this looks 'from the outside' can be a shattering blow, and one from which emotional recovery can be difficult.

The patient knows what's happening (except in cases in which mental faculties are compromised, when that may not be true). But it's a matter of how that information's processed that's the key. There comes a time - I know this well - when the only way to make it through the day is to metaphorically walk the sunny side of the street.

But what about you, the caregiver? Do you have to bottle up how you feel about what you're seeing? Do you have to let the knowledge that your spouse is fading fast eat out your heart to preserve the patient's fantasies?

Not as all. That's what friends, therapists, and support groups are for.

That's also what prayer and journaling are for.

Yes, you have to protect that fantasy to the degree you can, and it may feel like you're living a lie.

But it's better to live the lie than to pile on that one more bit of bad news that breaks the proverbial - and fragile - camel's back.

I have another blog, "Starting The Day With Grace". The focus is a grace quote from someone you might not expect (like, say Mick Jagger) and a short commentary. I hope you'll join me.

Marley update... been moved to a sanctuary, and Bay County will revise their 'dangerous dog' codes.

WE MADE A DIFFERENCE!

If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.

Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.

Your Dying Spouse 250 - The Post-Christmas Blues

The days and weeks after Christmas can be something of a letdown...and when you're a caregiver, they can be downright depressing.

It's not just the question of 'will my husband or wife be around next year'; it's the added energy that goes into physically and mentally preparing for the year's biggest holiday, even if your plans and preparations are very limited.

One builds up adrenaline and the encultured expectation...and then the ornaments come down, the music and TV shows you've anticipated through the year disappear, and ordinary life comes back.

Add to that the fact that Christmas is a time for miracles, and one of these is the chance to push away the thoughts of mortality. Christmas is eternal; for the rest of the year, we're not.

So, what to do? How can you, as a caregiver, find a soft landing?

Here are some suggestions. Some may work for you, others perhaps not. But I hope there will be something of value for all.

• Celebrate the traditional Twelve Days Of Christmas - Keep the tree up, and give a small gift on each day...perhaps leading to a larger gift on the Feast Of The Epiphany,January 6.
• Plan some small outings - If possible, plan to take your spouse.patient somewhere special in the days following Christmas. It may be dinner at a nice restaurant, or coffee together at Starbucks...the trick is to make a big deal of it, something out of the ordinary for both of you.
• Movie nights - If your spouse can't get out to see a first-run film, take advantage of Netflix or Redbox to see a film you've missed.
• Special cooking - most of the special dishes and deserts become a memory after Christmas, but why not continue them for a week or so?And make the meals a special occasion, with candlelight and good china, if the situation allows.
• Make New Year's Day a bigger occasion - Add something to your New Year's tradition, like setting off fireworks at midnight, or taking a scenic drive during the day.

What do you think? Might these help? What would you add?

It's with sorrow that I learned of the death of George Michael, a few hours before writing this post. While his life and later music may have been controversial, as a member of Wham! he brought the joy of effervescent pop music to millions, and worked tirelessly for the underprivileged and forgotten. His talent and his generous heart will be missed.

Here, then, is a tribute, the delightful song, "Freedom". The video's charming; it was produced when Wham! made one of the firt appearances of a Western pop group in China.

I hope you enjoy it.

I have another blog, "Starting The Day With Grace". The focus is a grace quote from someone you might not expect (like, say Mick Jagger) and a short commentary. I hope you'll join me.

Marley update... been moved to a sanctuary, and Bay County will revise their 'dangerous dog' codes.

WE MADE A DIFFERENCE!

If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.

Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.

Your Dying Spouse 249 - A Christmas Wish For Caregivers

Christmas is a special time. It's not about presents and parties and carols and fellowship with friends and family.

Christmas is about HOPE.

God so loved the world that He sent His only begotten Son...

Dear Caregiver, I do know, and understand, that your life may be a cycle of sorrow and dread. It is the mundane of decline, that banality of an evil that is pulling the life from someone you love...and from you.

I know the pain in your heart; I've felt it, and have seen it reflected in my wife's eyes when she sees me falling, falling.

But there is a place beyond despair, and it began, and begins again yearly, with the Gift sent to us on Christmas Day.

Christmas, the day on which we celebrate the birth of the Saviour Of The World, is the curatin-raiser on the final defeat of death. It's the first line of the first act of the Paly which ends with an end to despair, and the eternal consolation of what seem life ineffable sorrows.

It can be hard to believe, when you're changing adult diapers and seeing the person you love withdraw into a shell of pain and fatigue, a cherished mind and heart growing more remote in the shadows of a final illness.

But look at it from Mary's perspective. She knew when she gave birth that her belvoed son, cherished in every human and maternal way, was destined to be a sacrifice; she was familiar with the prophecies in Isaiah, now at the beginning of their fulfillment.

She knew that her joy would turn into heart-piercing anguish, and that trust was the only way forward.

It's the same thing for you, dear Caregiver. And also for me, the patient.

Christmas is the bugle-call of hope, whose fulfillment will come - we have to trust - on Easter Day.

Your pain will reach a peak - there's no denying that - but we believe, we have to believe, that the pain will be washed away, as the pain of childbirth is replaced by the joy of new life.

New life. That's the promise of Christmas, and the hope that I wish for you, der Caregiver.

With all my heart.

I have another blog, "Starting The Day With Grace". The focus is a grace quote from someone you might not expect (like, say Mick Jagger) and a short commentary. I hope you'll join me.

Marley update...he's probably going to be moved to a sanctuary, and Bay County will revise their 'dangerous dog' codes.

WE ARE MAKING A DIFFERENCE!

He's up over 200,000 signatures, but PLEASE keep the pressure on. If you haven't signed, please do! Please click o his name in the paragraph below.

If you have a moment, I'd like to ask you to visit Change.org to consider a petition to free a 'death row dog' who has been separated from his family for ten months over a misunderstanding. Marley was saved from Afghanistan by a US serviceman; please help make sure this story doesn't end in needless tragedy! Marley's gotten a lot of support...but he still needs our help.

If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.

Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.

Your Dying Spouse 248 - Beautiful Things

We're linked with Messy Marriage's From Messes To Messages. Please visit for some awesome marriage resources!

"A thing is not beautiful because it lasts." - ''Vision', played by Paul Bettany in The Avengers: Age Of Ultron

A lot of caregiving isn't beautiful. The fatigue, the worry, the occasional impatience, the mess, the smell, and the knowledge that things will only get worse...no, not beautiful.

But there are, hopefully, other moments, taken like flowers between the hard grey paving stones of circumstance.

The moments you and your spouse can enjoy together, and perhaps moments of humour, though it may sometimes be dark humour.

And it isn't going to last. One day, this duty, and this temporal relationship will end.

It may feel like an eternal donkey's path, turning the mill-wheel, but it's not. There will be a last time for all things, good and bad.

What you do with those moments is up to you, and yes, they do hold the capacity for wistfulmemory, or regret.

It's your choice dear caregiver - and dear patient - every day.

I have another blog, "Starting The Day With Grace". The focus is a grace quote from someone you might not expect (like, say Mick Jagger) and a short commentary. I hope you'll join me.

Marley update...he's probably going to be moved to a sanctuary, and Bay County will revise their 'dangerous dog' codes.

WE ARE MAKING A DIFFERENCE!

He's up over 200,000 signatures, but PLEASE keep the pressure on. If you haven't signed, please do! Please click o his name in the paragraph below.

If you have a moment, I'd like to ask you to visit Change.org to consider a petition to free a 'death row dog' who has been separated from his family for ten months over a misunderstanding. Marley was saved from Afghanistan by a US serviceman; please help make sure this story doesn't end in needless tragedy! Marley's gotten a lot of support...but he still needs our help.

If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.

Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.

Your Dying Spouse 247 - Preparing For Caregiving

We never know when we're going to become a caregiver - or a patient, for that matter.

Usually you'd think of preparation as a follow-on to 'getting the bad news', when an illness is diagnosed. But that's not really the best way to go, because a) you're on the clock, and b) emotions are inevitably going to get in the way and make it harder.

You can make it easier (in each case) through planning ahead, before the crisis is on the horizon...but how does one justify preparing for something that may or may not happen...and if it does, may be years in the future?

Simple. By creating good habits now, habits that will benefit your life in normal times.

Here are a few...

• Stay in shape - caregiving (or being sick) is awfully hard on the body, and the higher your fitness level, the more physical resources you have. Even if you have to set aside your workout routine, you'll be starting from a better place; your body will have developed a higher metabolism, and you'll have more energy even though you can't exercise as you might want to.
• Organize small things - time will be of the essence, and you'll never have enough as a caregiver, so why not save some 'good time' now by developing efficient habits? Something like laying out your clothes in the evening, rather than having to decide what to wear with a leave-for-work deadline takes a lot of time-pressure away...and you'll use that time more efficiently.
• Develop an attitude of gratitude for small things - when you're a caregiver an undisturbed cup of coffee is a true blessing, but many caregivers see it as something 'taken away' from what the experience might have been, rather than a gift of a moment's peace. Learn to savour those small things.
• Get comfortable with discomfort - caregiving is nothing if not uncomfortable - both physically and mentally. You can toughen yourself up by intentionally being a bit less than comfortable...dress just a bit too lightly for cold, for example, or don't forego an exercise session because you'retired. These are small things, but they will, over time, develop in you a tolerance for discomfort...and that will increase your capacity for compassion, because you will not have to be so focused on how you're feeling.
• Cultivate friendships - friends are important through all stages of life, but especially so when you're a caregiver, because they are the only people, generally, who can give the respite you need and the feedback you may not always want to hear. They can be far better than family. And you can't develop 'instant friends'; usually the ones who are with you at the beginning of the caregiving journey are all you're going to have.
• Find a home church - having a rpititual home is a vital part of keeping yourself (as caregiver or patient) on an even keel. It doesn't have to be perfect; no church is. You just have to know that it'll be there for you, as long as you're a prt of the faith community. The church relationship is like a friendship; it takes time to grow into community, and you generally can't adopt one as a band-aid in a crisis.

What do you think? Are these valid points? what else would you add?

I have another blog, "Starting The Day With Grace". The focus is a grace quote from someone you might not expect (like, say Mick Jagger) and a short commentary. I hope you'll join me.

Marley update...he's probably going to be moved to a sanctuary, and Bay County will revise their 'dangerous dog' codes.

WE ARE MAKING A DIFFERENCE!

He's up over 200,000 signatures, but PLEASE keep the pressure on. If you haven't signed, please do! Please click o his name in the paragraph below.

If you have a moment, I'd like to ask you to visit Change.org to consider a petition to free a 'death row dog' who has been separated from his family for ten months over a misunderstanding. Marley was saved from Afghanistan by a US serviceman; please help make sure this story doesn't end in needless tragedy! Marley's gotten a lot of support...but he still needs our help.

If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.

Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.