The Scorned Spouse {Wedded Wednesday}

Do you sit in the seat of the scornful when it comes to your husband or wife?

For most people, the automatic answer would be, "No! Of course not!"

And I hope it's true, but hold on for a minute...

• Do you find your mate's jokes less funny than those of your friends? Are you more likely to roll your eyes?
• Are you more willing to take the advice of a pal than the advice of your husband or wife?
• If your spouse wrote a book...would you honestly want to read it, or would you pick it up with some trepidation, more out of duty...thinking, "Well, it probably won't be as good as I'm used to."
• Do you ever make jokes at your mate's expense...either in public, or in private?
• Do you find your spouse's dreams and hopes somewhat embarrassing, when he or she talks about them? (And has he or she stopped talking about the..?)
• When you are intimate, do you fantasize about being with someone else? (Sorry about that one, but it had to be added.)

If you answered yes to any of these, you may want to think about your view of the person to whom you're married, because you may be in danger of falling into the trap described by and old proverb....yeah, this one -

Familiarity breeds contempt.

When we're courting, the personality and soul we're coming to love is a mystery. We see what we're shown, and to a large degree we see what we want to see.

But when life together, bound by law and under the eyes of God, the barriers fall away, and we really know what we've got. (And living together doesn't help; the freedom to leave, without legal or moral consequences, keeps the charade going, and the blinders up.)

Sometimes we find that the things we don't like start to grate on us, and the things we thought we loved become memories, or even irritants.

The incisive go-getter seems to be a fanatic, and the cheerful optimist is a Pollyanna. The athlete is narcissistic, and the caring community activist is drifting into socialism.

And while we still love our mate, we find more not to like.

Thereby comes contempt, made manifest by the Death of a Thousand Cuts. the rolled eyes, the joke that elicits a calculated blank response, the casual remark that you took your friend's advice on something you didn't even mention to your mate.

Scorn.

How can you avoid this, how can you scorn-proof your marriage?

It's really not hard. All you have to do is remember that marriage is a sacrament, and your spouse is a representation of your relationship with the Lord.

That's pretty definite, and pretty harsh, but if you're religious...and not only Christian...it's the core of the religious interpretation of marriage, and it's what you bought into if you got married by a minister or priest or rabbi or imam.

It's the promise you made.

If you're not religious, and you were married by a justice of the peace, you're still not exempt, because secular humanists hold that we all deserve basic respect and compassion...even husbands. Even wives.

Beyond this...make sure that you take an active interest in your spouse's life.

Know what he or she does at work, and learn about Downton Abbey or NASCAR

Read what they read, at least sometimes. And take an interest in the dreams and desires of their heart.

Keep like alive in the dutiful love...and give yourself both the gift of respect.

This post is linked to Wedded Wednesday, a compendium of really cool posts on marriage. If you click on the logo below, you'll be taken to www.messymarriage.com, which is the springboard to a wealth of information. It's run by Beth Steffaniak, who has a heart for marriage and a soul for God!

Plan On Your Marriage {Wedded Wednesday / Five Minute Friday / The Weekend Brew}

Time for Five-Minute Friday , hosted by Kate Motaung. The challenge is to write for five minutes on a given "theme word", posted by Kate on Thursday night...and then stop when the timer dings.

We're also with The Weekend Brew.

Today's word is plan.


GO.

We all love to be spontaneous, and our culture enshrines it...it's the fount of freshness, of vitality, of fun.

Unfortunately, it also can leave one feeling pretty flat, when things just don't happen according to the script.

What's wrong with planned fun., anyway?

I think this is the kind that can really make a marriage bloom...the kind of enjoyment that's carefully prepared, based on your intimate knowledge of your mate's tastes, likes, and hopes.

To plan means to care...it means that you care enough about giving your husband or wife something enjoyable...a gift of a wonderful time...that you're willing to take your time to prepare it.

It means that you listened, in the time you were together.

It means that you remember the things that you were told, the things you observed.

To plan means that you're willing to go the extra mile.

Sure, there's room for the spontaneous gesture, the spur-of-the-moment "let's go to Paris for the weekend" inspiration.

But wouldn't it be more fun, if you've never been to the City of Light, to have a guidebook and a map, to get an idea for what you might see, and what you might enjoy?

Wouldn't you want to give your mate the joy of knowing you planned for his pleasure, for her enjoyment?

STOP

If you enjoyed this post, you might also like Marriage Play Date.

This post is linked to Wedded Wednesday, a compendium of really cool posts on marriage. If you click on the logo below, you'll be taken to www.messymarriage.com, which is the springboard to a wealth of information. It's run by Beth Steffaniak, who has a heart for marriage and a soul for God!

My In-Laws Hate Me! {Wedded Wednesday / 3D Lessons 4 Life / The Weekend Brew)

Of course they hate you. What did you expect?

By marrying their son or daughter, you changed their lives. You took a beloved family member out of their orbit, and put him or her in yours.

And you will never be good enough...only someone they selected could be...and even, probably not.

Their lives will never be the same; even if they did not really appreciate said son or daughter...they appreciate the loss.

So...what to do?

There are a couple of things. They may not change the situation, but they might make it more livable for you.

• YOU can't make them like you. You can only be yourself, treating both their 'stolen person' and them with courtesy and compassion. It's up to them, at that point.
• You can't separate your spouse from his or her family. She knew them for probably a couple of decades before she knew you. They have an advantage in familiarity...or assumed familiarity...that you'll never have.
• In a showdown, you'll lose...even if you 'win'. Don't look for a showdown. Never make it "them or me".
• You can live with honour and clarity, looking at them as how they see themselves...victims, and gatekeepers. if you can see things from their point of view, you can at least learn not to respond to the more vicious digs.
• You can realize that your spouse is torn in his or her loyalties...yes, the Bible says that we should leave our original families behind, but it's easier said than done. The hooks are set deep.
• You can choose to rise above the pettiness. You can choose to relate from a place of honour. You can let the insults lie. You can let the snide comments wither.
• You can choose to love, regardless, because these are the people who made the love of your life what he or she IS.

You can take the moral; high ground. If this were a Hallmark card, this is where i would be saying you'll win them over.

But it's not. This is real life.

You may win them over. You may not. You can only extend the olive branch.

But you can always understand.

You can always have compassion.

You can always love.

We're linked to 3D Lessons 4 Life, and The Weekend Brew.

This post is linked to Wedded Wednesday, a compendium of really cool posts on marriage. If you click on the logo below, you'll be taken to www.messymarriage.com, which is the springboard to a wealth of information. It's run by Beth Steffaniak, who has a heart for marriage and a soul for God!

Marriage Play Date

When was the last time you played with your husband or wife?

I'm emphatically not talking about "sex play"; that's a different issue.

But when did you last throw a Frisbee back and forth...or go bowling, just the two of you...or went to play miniature golf?

I'll bet it's been a while.

I'll bet it's been since the early days of your marriage...or your courtship.

Play is part of how we're wired. having fun...just plain 'fun', without an agenda...is something that we need.

Play is where we find innocence. Play is where we find the person we love, without the serious uniform of obligation, and without the heavy makeup of sexuality.

We're always looking for someone. We're looking for that magical person, that Peter pan, that can lead us back to our childhood..."I'll never grow up!"

But we lose the "someone", all to often...in something.

We seek our Someone in hobbies and avocations, sometimes in our careers...and too often in extramarital relationships.

But why not give your mate a chance? Why not cut loose...and perhaps your husband or wife really IS Peter Pan?

What if you don't HAVE to grow up?

Why not say, tonight..."Let's go bowling!"

Why not spend a summer afternoon rollerblading along the beach (and spend that evening in the ER...well, okay...)?

Maybe nothing will come of it. Maybe you're all grown up, and fun just bounces off you. Maybe it's too late.

But maybe...just maybe...you'll find a connection you'd thought you'd lost.

And you can fall in love all over again.

Linking to Inspire Me Monday.

Gather A Good Marriage {Five Minute Friday / The Weekend Brew)

Time for Five-Minute Friday , hosted by Kate Motaung. The challenge is to write for five minutes on a given "theme word", posted by Kate on Thursday night...and then stop when the timer dings.

Today's word is gather.

We're also linked to The Weekend Brew.

GO.

We need gatherings in our married lives.

This may seem kind of obvious...everyone needs friends, right? But too often, the practice of gathering goes by the wayside.

We're so busy...we have our jobs and our lives, our children's lives, our social-media obligations...and we find we're declining invitations to real gatherings with real people.

And soon the invitations stop coming. Sound familiar?

And when no one comes, the invitations stop being sent, and we live in social cubicles.Connected, but walled off, separate.

It's a terrible thing, really, because these events, these gatherings are where we, as married couples, learn to operate as a team. We have to think and act as a unit, speaking for the benefit of the union, representing our union to the world.

So the next invitation you get, wherever it is, and even if it sounds duller than rock, go.

Gather in support of your marriage.

STOP

If you have a moment, please stop by at my other blog, Starting The Day With Grace.

Someone Like Me {Wedded Wednesday}

Did you really think you were marrying a soulmate..."someone like me"?

Does not quite work out that way. If you're a lady, you married a man. If you're a man, you married a lady.

I hope.

There are differences, right there, that make us as alien from one another as something you might see in a Star Trek outtake.

Here's an example -

"Wow, I'm feeling really sick!"

Male response - "Whoa, dude, sorry to hear that...can I get you something? A beer, maybe?"

Female response - "Oh, I;m really not feeling well either, and everyone in the office has been sick in the past two weeks, they say it's really been hard, and it takes a while to shake off. I know I've been coughing, like, forever."

If a man made the initial statement, the male response would have been welcome...but perhaps the beer might have needed a rain check. The female response, on the other hand, would have sounded like, "Well, you're not so special, everyone's got this thing, and so do I!"

If a woman had said, "I feel awful", the male response would have been an unwelcome "Oh, you're broken, let's fix you!", whereas the female response would have enveloped her in a warm hug of comradeship.

And that is the difference, right there.

Men sympathize, and look for fixes.

Women offer solidarity.

What this means, to you who may be married to a man, or to a woman...I sure hope that ends the list...is that what we offer may not be what our spouse needs.

Because they are different.

How can you learn the differences? I'd say, "Listen to your mate!" but it will seem like he or she is speaking Swahili.

No, this is the place for research. Make a day of it - go to your local bookstore and peruse titles like John Gray's  Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus.

I'm singling our Gray's book because he was the first person to really categorize the emotional differences in gender in a way lay persons could understand.

Let me be honest. In a way I could understand.

And do this together, because there is nothing like the feeling that your mate really wants to get to understand you better.

If you have a moment, please stop by at my other blog, Starting The Day With Grace.

We're linked to 3-D Lessons For Life.

This post is linked to Wedded Wednesday, a compendium of really cool posts on marriage. If you click on the logo below, you'll be taken to www.messymarriage.com, which is the springboard to a wealth of information. It's run by Beth Steffaniak, who has a heart for marriage and a soul for God!

The Hard Kind Of Love

Love isn't a feeling - it's an action (this was inspired by Lindsey Bell's post at Do Not Depart).

What happens when you hit those dry spots in marriage, when you just don't feel the love?

Love anyway, because that is what you promised to do.

Easier said than done, I know...when your husband walks out the door in the morning, and you realize ten minutes later that he wasn't just starting the car, he's already left for work...and he hasn't said goodbye.

How do you love, and avoid the temptation for an eye for an eye?

There are a couple of steps, that maybe you can use top get there.

• First, it's not about you. When a mate's behaviour gets distant, and you feel far from loved, it's not something you did, or the way you look, or the fact that you whistle while you work in the garden. It's all about an internal temperature that's changed.
• Second, withdrawal is often a symptom of depression or illness. When someone doesn't feel good about him-or-herself, that individual starts feeling worthless...nothing to say, really, because "I have nothing worth saying, that anyone would want to hear."
• Third, there are changes in body chemistry, such as hormonal levels, that can affect the mood more than we know. Women know a lot about this, obviously...but it can happen to men, as well. It's not necessarily "male menopause" (which does have a chemical root, it seems, though it's no excuse for the red Corvette and the 21-year-old blonde); rather, it's a change in testosterone levels, driven by stress.
• Finally, it may just be a bad habit. Men do this all the time; they get to a rushed part of life, leave the house without a kiss, and just keep doing it. Does this mean that men are pretty clueless in how they live, and how it affects their wives? Yes. It does. Men are clueless. "Wow, I didn't realize I was doing that!" It's not that he doesn't care. It's not that he doesn't value the kiss and hug. His "mind" is just somewhere else. Kind of like a shelf with an open back - push something in the front, something else falls off the back.

Clearly, there are more ominous issues that can cause distance to grow, but not as many as we often assume...and making an assumption that "it's bad" can actually make things worse.

So, what to do?

Don't change in response, to the best of your ability. if your guy is tending to leave without saying goodbye, ambush him, and initiate the goodbye yourself.

If he doesn't talk, talk anyway. Make every effort to engage him. Play up to his ego, even...not being condescending, because that's one place men are often not Philistines...but bring up the things you really admire about his character, and his work.

Encourage him, and refrain from things that could be construed as criticism. men can be sensitive to this stuff, too...what you think is a statement that the house seems kind of small, sometimes, will be taken by a man as a slap against his role as a provider. If he's having trouble, this can make it worse.

Finally, remember that in the end, you are responsible for your own feelings, and that you can only help someone...you can't make him feel better, and you can't change him

Love is action, love is grace, love is support.

You can be love.

If you have a moment, please stop by at my other blog, Starting The Day With Grace.