Still Here- Five Minute Friday

Once again, it's Five-Minute Friday, hosted by Kate Montaug. The challenge is to write for five minutes on a given "theme word", posted by Kate on Thursday night...and then stop when the timer dings.

Today's word is still.

GO.

Today was hell.

I'm dealing with more physical pain, and more just plain fright, than I could ever have imagined possible. To those who have ever been shot, it's like being shot.

To those who have had kidney stones, it's like the mother of all kidney stones.

But wait! There's more! (I've seen too many late-night infomercials.)

Bleeding from various places (and today, for the first time, the nose...yee-ha).

Nausea and vomiting.

And, just to add insult to everything else, incontinence.

But I'm still here.

This life means something. God put me here for a reason, and I'm not going to sabotage His plans by opting out of involvement, or, heaven forbid, opting out of life.

Still here, and they're going to have to come in over the wall to get me.

I have something to contribute. I have kind things to say. I have stray dogs to comfort.

And I am still bloody here, and if the devil doesn't like it, he can go and...treat himself unconventionally.

STOP

If you have the chance, please stop by my other blog, "Starting The Day With Grace", at www.dailygracequote.wordpress.com.

Respecting Your Spouse's Past - The Sixth Pillar

Today we'll talk about respect for what made your husband or wife who they are - their past, and their heritage.

Both are important; and both are subject to deep disrespect in far too many relationships.

Just consider the negative connotation from the expression "having a past"; it's particularly nasty when applied to women, unfortunately.

And for problems with heritage, when was the last time you heard an in-law joke? Not long ago, I'll bet.

Disrespect for either your mate's personal history or their heritage is a not-so-subtle way to disrespect the person. It's also a way to maintain an unhealthy form of control in the relationship.

When you marry, you don't build a life with a person new-spring from the palm of God's hand; you marry a complex web of past relationships, experiences, family, and genealogy. The wedding limousine can get crowded; not to mention the marriage bed.

Let's deal with your spouse's past, first. The approach to showing respect is pretty simple: never bring up anything negative from their past, and never, ever reference current behavior to what you know of their past.

It can take discipline, but it's absolutely necessary. When you bring up "those friends you used to hang out with", you're locking your mate into a past that they can't escape. They may have tried; they may have gone a long way from the irresponsible of younger days.

And when you bring it up, you're negating all the work they did, and saying "you really haven't changed at all".

Based on the past - you've appointed yourself judge and jury, with no hope of appeal.

What you know of your spouse's past, that you don't like...you've got to let it go. That's the beginning and the end of respect.

Respect for heritage is a bit different, because you have to key your respectful attitude to your spouse's view of their family history.

It can be a tightrope walk. Remember the old saying - me against my brother; my brother and I against our cousin; my brother, my cousin and I against the world.

There may be little love lost in your mate's family, but blood can be quite thick, and you're not "of the blood".

That means that your mate may feel fine being extremely critical of "the family"; but you try it and you'll find yourself pilloried,  and wondering what hit you.

By the same token, if you defend the "black sheep" of your spouse's family, you can wind up soundly disliked by everyone - including the black sheep.

The best way to show respect is to be agreeable..and never take any side expect that of your mate, and then only in a supporting role. Never take the initiative in either praise or censure of your mate's family, and make sure that your emotions remain as unengaged as possible.

Respect for your mate's past and heritage can be a challenge, the biggest challenge of all, because it fundamentally requires you to...

...keep your mouth shut, and your opinions to yourself.

(Please don't forget to visit my other blog, www.dailygracequote.wordpress.com, for a quotation and a short commentary of grace in marriage.)

This post is linked to Wedded Wednesday, a compendium of really cool posts on marriage. If you click on the logo below, you'll be taken to www.messymarriage.com, which is the springboard to a wealth of information. It's run by Beth Steffaniak, who has a heart for marriage and a soul for God!

Would You Watch Your Spouse Die?

It's been a bit over a week since Brittany Maynard killed herself. You may remember - she was the young woman diagnosed with an aggressive form of brain cancer, who given a terminal prognosis, chose to move to Oregon to take advantage of that state's "death with dignity" law.

It's not for me to criticize her. She was the only one who knew what she was going through, and the only one who, in the end, knew her own mind.

But there are things to say, and questions to ask.

Dying sucks. Having one's world and facilities narrow week by week is discouraging, to say the least. Going from an athletic life to needing help in the toilet...and then to incontinence...well, no one's going to line up for that ride.

The Oregon law (followed by several other states, including my New Mexico) allows an individual with a terminal diagnosis that will result in death in six months to get a prescription from a 'participating' doctor for a lethal drug. Two requests have to be made, fifteen days apart, and the doctor has to be convinced that depression is not driving the rush to death.

So, an overdose of barbiturates. Off gently to sleep, while one is still relatively whole and happy. The Death With Dignity websites paint an appealing picture...you die in your own bed, in the arms of your family, at a time of your own choosing. You have time to say your goodbyes, and you can lay to rest the fear of unmanageable pain and humiliation as the disease progresses.

However...

What of the loved ones? If it's planned, and for 'everyone to be there' it has to be, they have a countdown...three days from now, at this hour, she'll be dead.

They have to wake on the morning of the day, and the hours that they're watching the clock and willing it to go slower will forever be etched in their minds.

They have to know the moment when the beloved has taken the dose, and know that a fuse has been lit. They have to watch the eyelids drop, and hear the speech slur.

And then...please excuse my describing this...they have to watch the body fight for life. The raison d'etre of the law is to allow suicide while the mind is sound and the body is capable, and such a body does not want to die.

Could you put your husband or wife through thaving to witness hat?

What of the doctor? Doctors have to take the Hippocratic oath...above all do no harm.

It has been argued that giving a patient a 'clean' way out does fall under the purview of the oath, that refusal to aid would be harmful.

I can understand this, but it requires some degree of mental sophistry, and undoubtedly a significant paradigm shift for the doctor. At least I hope it would be significant; we don't need more Dr.Kevorkians.

What of the effect on the doctor who writes the prescription? It's like putting a gun into the hand of a person bent on suicide. It's exactly like that.

And what of the pharmacist who fills the prescription...and, perhaps, the high-school student who's running the cash register? How can one compel them to help a person end his or her life, by being the link in the chain that passes along the drugs?

What of society? The flip side of "death with dignity" is that life in desperate pain and decreased function isn't worth living.

Is that the message we want to support, that only the young and the healthy and those not facing a brick-wall future have something to contribute?

Do we turn our backs on those at the doorway to eternity, and shush their voices with a pill and a Happy Talk Death With Dignity Poster?

Thi is already happening, under the new healthcare laws. Care is being rationed, and there are boards set up to decide who's going to get life-saving treatment, and who's going to get pallative care.

Age, not surprisingly, is a big factor in the decision-making process.

If you don't get the best effort to save your life, you'll get hospice.

Or, in the states in which it's legal...your new health insurance will pay for the suicide dose.

***

There are those who have called Ms. Maynard less than brave. I don't stand with them. I believe that she felt, in good conscience, that she was making the best choice she could. And there, for her, it should rest.

But I do stand against assisted suicide (and it was suicide, by any definition...this is not a place for euphemisms like "self-determination").

I have no quarrel with refusing extraordinary measures, or declining radiation and chemo. That's where I am in my life. We don't have to walk every road we're offered, and there's a huge difference between omission and commission.

Death isn't a scene in a movie, and neither is life. We can't, and shouldn't try to define how it "should" look.

We can only define how we react, when faced with it at last.

In our reaction is the final definition of our humanity, and the capstone of our legacy.

If you have a moment, please visit my other blog, "Starting the Day with Grace" at www.dailygracequote.wordpress.com, for a quotation and short commentary on grace in married life.

...and...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO THE UNITED STATES MARINE CORPS!

Where Shalt Thou Turn? - Five Minute Friday

Once again, it's Five-Minute Friday, hosted by Kate Montaug. The challenge is to write for five minutes on a given "theme word", posted by Kate on Thursday night...and then stop when the timer dings.

Today's word is turn.

GO.

"To Mecca thou turnest, with burning eyes and lips that sweat, Ah, Hajji, where wilt thou turn, when thou art there, when thou art there?" - James Elroy Flecker, The Golden Journey to Samarkand

Ann Landers once wrote that a marriage isn't two people looking at each other, it;s two people looking together, in the same direction.

Presumably, looking into their future.

But what happens when they reach their their future?

It may be the well-established family, it may be the big house in the country, it may be the secure and active retirement.

All too often things fall apart, because they were focused on the destination.

They were looking forward. But in the end, it;s not looking ahead, or behind. It;s not even enjoying the journey.

The direction to turn is up, because marriage - and life - are hard.

And we need help from on high.

I turn my eyes to the hills, whence cometh Thy help.

STOP

If you have the chance, please stop by my other blog, "Starting The Day With Grace", at www.dailygracequote.wordpress.com.

Respecting Your Mate's Joy - The Fifth Pillar

Originally I was going to call this "Avocational Respect", but it sounded like adenoids.

Avocations are what we choose to do; the hobbies, the causes, the passions that, in many ways, define who we are.

They're often what led us to our spouses in the first place, meeting at a Habitat for Humanity build, or a concert, or at the gym.

In a surprisingly large number of marriages, though, spouses pressure one another to give up exactly those things that brought them together.

Why? Insecurity.

After the wedding, what's seen as an excessive involvement in optional activities is seen as taking away from the attention one is supposed to be getting from one's husband or wife. "Hey! Pay attention to ME!"

And it doesn't take a lot to trip the 'insecurity alert'. How many couples talked for hours about what they read during courtship...but now, "she's always got her nose in a book".

And how many spouses receive passive-aggressive opposition to their endeavours..."I'm delighted that you're writing, dear, but have you remembered that the bathroom needs painting?"

Sure, the bathroom needs a new coat of paint, but when the comment is delivered while one is in the midst of writing, it delivers another message..."why are you wasting time on that stuff?"

It's unfortunate, because the things that motivate us actually make us better spouses. The happy husband or wife brings that happiness to the living room, and to the bedroom...and invites mutuality.

People who are passionate about something want to share.

The best thing you can do, to develop respect for your spouse's avocation, and to communicate that respect, is to listen and learn.

Listen so you can take part in the sharing, and learn so that you can add value to the conversation by asking informed questions.

Nest, make time and space for your husband or wife to pursue their passion. Don't keep pulling them back with reminders of household duties or pointed glances at the clock.

Take care of yourself. Don't be waiting at the door for your wife to come home from her art class, tapping your foot all the while; do something yourself. Going your separate ways in hobbies does not mean your marriage is weak.

It can mean exactly the opposite, that both of you can stand alone, but choose to stand together.

Finally, brag up your mate's accomplishments in their avocation. If your wife's a writer, read her work, and talk about it. Look for the good, and praise it.

We all need that kind of support.

We need someone to help celebrate our joy.

(Please don't forget to visit my other blog, www.dailygracequote.wordpress.com, for a quotation and a short commentary of grace in marriage.)

This post is linked to Wedded Wednesday, a compendium of really cool posts on marriage. If you click on the logo below, you'll be taken to www.messymarriage.com, which is the springboard to a wealth of information. It's run by Beth Steffaniak, who has a heart for marriage and a soul for God!

Just for Fun - 20 Random Things About Me

1. How tall are you?

5'10" , still trying to reach 6'.

2. Do you have a hidden talent? What is it?

There are times when my talents ALL seem hidden, and my incompetencies showcased!

3. What is your biggest blog-related pet-peeve?

A blog that looks serious but is just a sales-pitch for a product.

4. What is your biggest non-blog-related pet peeve?

Rudeness and immodesty. There is no excuse for ungentlemanly or unladylike behavior.

5. What's your favorite song?


Linkin Park's "Iridescent"

6. What's your favorite Etsy shop that isn't yours?

What's Etsy?

7. What's your favorite way to spend free time when you're alone?

With a sanctuary for abused Pit Bulls (and friends) I'm NEVER alone. "Dad? I'm hungry!

"Dad? I'm thirsty!"

"Dad? I have to go...oh, never mind." WagWagWag.

8. What's your favorite junk food?

Chocolate is NOT junk food. Brussels sprouts, on the other hand, seem to qualify, and I would eat them only under duress.

Well, bribery would work, too.

9. Do you have a pet or pet(s)? If so, what kind and what are their names?

Uh, yes. Here are two - Josie (rear)and Reebok (as puppies - they are BIG Ridgebacks now). This picture was taken about 20 min after they were pulled from death row at a pound.

Josie likes to be carried. Everywhere. Even though her feet drag on the ground when I carry her.

10. What is your #1 favorite fiction and non-fiction books?

Fiction - ""Round The Bend" by Nevil Shute.  Shute's unforgettable and gentle characters, and his willingness to ask how we see our faith, make for an unforgettable combination.

Nonfiction - "Xin Loi, Viet Nam", by Al Sever. This Viet Nam memoir by a very hard man has a sober, spiritual side that will make anyone stop and think about our place in Eternity.

11. What is your favorite beauty product?

My nickname is Mongo.

I don't do beauty.

12. When were you last embarrassed?

When my wife asked me what my favorite beatitude was, and I answered, "Ringo".

I was SOOO embarrassed! I had confused Ringo with George!

13. If you could drink one beverage (besides water) for the rest of your life, what would it be?

Lo-Carb Monster Drink. Better than water, better than beer, better than coffee.

14. What's your favorite movie?

"Lone Survivor", hands down. 

I also love "Notting Hill", and would love to be able to channel Hugh Grant. Alas, I am more like Ken Watanabe on a very bad hair day.

15. What were you in high school: prom queen, nerd, cheerleader, jock, valedictorian, band geek, loner, artist, prep?

Enforcer. We had a drug problem, and I decided to deal with it. At 5'10" and 230 lbs (I lifted weights), this was not difficult. The assistant Head was quite surprised one day when I tossed a dealer through a window, and the body didn't hit the frame. He didn't think it was possible.

Being the school 'janitor' gave me a lot of privilege - open campus, and the right to wear the biggest moustache I could grow. Which, for an Asian, isn't much.

16. If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you live?

Right where I am, on a mesa in New Mexico. Wherever you go, there you are, so why leave?

17. PC or Mac?

PC. A mac is a small and inaccurate submachinegun (Mac-10), designed for...heck, I don't know why the thing was produced in the first place. 

18. Last romantic gesture from a crush, date, boy/girlfriend, spouse?

Well, my wife bought me an air compressor when my old one blew up...does that count?

19. Favorite celebrity?

Can I pick a pastor? Bobby Schuller, for his positive attitude.

20. What blogger do you secretly want to be best friends with?

I have so many blogging friends! I would love to meet them all; and I don't want to single one out and leave the others left out.


Your turn! Tell me one random thing about yourself! 

Or more than one!

(And please take a moment, if you can, to visit my other blog, www.dailygracequote.wordpress.com, where you'll find a quote of grace, and commentary relating it to marriage)

Leaving to Arrive - Five Minue Friday

Once again, it's Five-Minute Friday, hosted by Kate Montaug. The challenge is to write for five minutes on a given "theme word", posted by Kate on Thursday night...and then stop when the timer dings.

Today's word is leave.

GO.

A man shall leave his mother, and a woman leave her home, they shall travel on to where the two shall be as one...and there is love...

Remember the song? If not, remember the Bible?

We have to leave our past, and the ties holding us, to arrive at the place we're supposed to be in our marriage.

The ties don;t want to be cut. It seems like they can be maintained, in a sort of compromise...where there's the major portion of your heart for the marriage, but there's a bit left over for the things that supported you and comforted you in the past.

No.

Marriage is a sacrament, which means that it's a model of our relationship with God.

And God wants everything. He's not satisfied with a part of our fidelity. He wants it all, not because he's unreasonable, but because He knows you have to make that commitment to become a citizen of Heaven, and to be buds with the Big Dude.

Same thing with marriage, To be the husband or wife you're supposed to be, the commitment has to be total. Nothing else will do, because it'll end up like an unpainted part of a steel-bodied car.

It's going to rust.

And it's going to be compromised in strength, and can eventually fail.

STOP

If you have the chance, please stop by my other blog, "Starting The Day With Grace", at www.dailygracequote.wordpress.com.