How to Fight With your Spouse

No, it's not pistols at twenty paces.

When you're sharing life with someone, you're going to disagree from time to time.

When your disagreements are on points that are important to one or both of you, you're going to argue.

And when you argue, sooner or later - it'll escalate to a fight.

It would be wonderful if all disagreements could be settled amicably, with well-reasoned dialogue and acceptance of an ultimately agreed-on solution. That's something for which to strive, and a lot better than the alternative.

Ann Landers (remember her?) once wrote that a marriage in which the partners didn't occasional fight would be as dull as dishwater.  I beg to differ; fighting requires the erection of defenses against the closest person in your life, and those defenses can become habitual. Very easily.

Fighting also leaves scars. Someone gets hurt, and those hurts are remembered. This isn't a Hallmark world, in which we all kiss and make up. We remember when someone we trusted delivered a rapier thrust into an area we'd left vulnerable.

We remember the shock and the hurt, and the feeling that we were fools not to have seen it coming.

Fighting's not good. It does happen, so how do we mitigate the damage it'll do?

First, is it really worth it? Many, if not most arguments are over trivia that take on importance like a snowball becomes an avalanche. Marriages are ended because of things like a coat being slung over the back of a chair, or a dented car door.

These arguments accelerate because of pride - because no one wants to back down. If this happens to you sometimes, don't feel bad - that's how WW1 started.

Step back, when you feel the red mist start to descend, and ask yourself, is this the hill to die on?

Next, pick up a Bible. This sounds silly, but it's really hard to be uncivil when you're holding God's Word in your hands. Don't use Scripture to 'prove' you're right. That's not what the Bible's in your hands for.

Use a talking stick. The person who';s holding the stick gets to talk, and can't be interrupted.

Fight in public. The front porch is fine, or the lawn. An audience inhibits bad language and worse behavior. And no, the kids, in the house, don't count, because many parents are only too happy to fight in front of the kids.

Fights end at sunset. Inviolate rule, "do not let the sun go down on your wrath". And not, it's not 'bedtime', it's sunset. The argument ends there, and you resolve the issue. Granted, there are things that can't be fully resolved at a deadline - but these are fewer than you might think.

Most of what we fight about is the trivia of life, and it can be resolved summarily. Look at the last hting you argued about...

Oops. Can't completely remember? Is the point proven?

Finally - and this isn't strictly part of the 'argument' process...

Maintain a physically affectionate relationship. I can't overstate the importance of this. It';s easy to become emotionally distant from someone with whom you're already physically distant, and arguments only widen the gulf.

Hold hands, hug, kiss, and, yes, have sex regularly. It's part of the glue that bonds a marriage; that kind of physical familiarity makes it that much harder to hold onto destructive anger.

What do you think? Anthing you'd like to add?

Something Husbands Need to Know

Your wife didn't marry you for you.

Feel a little nudge to the ego, there? Not quite the Lone Ranger, the Duke, and Russell Crowe all rolled into one?

She married you for what you could be together.

And that is way more of a compliment, because it involves a committment on her part that's greater than you could ever imagine.

Women are all about connection and community. Their emotional investments in relationships are much deeper than that of men - because relationships are their world.

A man's world consists of boxes. The work box, the friend box, the sports box.

The marriage box.

Women aren't a bit like that. Their relationships in one area define them in every other, and create a world that is rich and interconnected to a degree that most men would find confusing - and, frankly, scary.

Scary because it implies the requirement for response to different situations, different demands.
Boxes are predictable, and controllable - and you can always leave.

Men will typically cut their losses, cut and run...see the euphemism? Cut. Like cutting a string.

For a woman, cutting is more like surgery.

A woman's world is made up of disposable boxes, and there's no exit.

Nor would she want there to be, because you're part of it - and why should she want to depart from the man she loves?

The Marriage Wedge

The biggest wedge in a marriage is not the attentions of another, nor money, nor sex.

It's time.

When we're courting, we spend as much time as we can together - and when we're apart we think about one another.

After being married for a few years, how much time do you spend thinking about your spouse?

And when you do spend time together, to you look at your mate, really talk with them? Or do you make offhand comments about what's going on around you, while watching the latest hopeful on American Idol?

When was the last time you took a good look at your spouse?

I know a chap who grew a moustache, and then decided to shave it off. It was not a wispy blond peach-fuzz thing.

It was two weeks before his wife noticed.

This is the sort of thing that causes couples to, in the pretty euphemism that reminds one of sailboats..."drift apart".

Really, it's not pretty at all. It's corrosion and rot, and it's about as pretty as a fungal infection.

(It's about losing interest, at least to a degree, and men generally do it first...women typically feel it happening, and go through a depressing period of adjustment until they can become somewhat more detached, themselves.)

We can control it. It's hard, but it's easy at the same time.

Put away the distractions. Put away the sports magazines and the weekends buried in front of the TV - does it really matter who wins the Big Game, or any game?

Put away Downton Abbey on Sunday night...Sunday's special, who do you really want to spend the last few hours before the work week with - your spouse, or a bunch of nonexistent snarky people?

You've got to study your spouse. Find out what makes him or her want to be with you, and accentuate those things. You married this person for a number of reasons, and those reasons still exist.

Don't let them dry up. Keep them watered. Yes, it's a tired analogy, the garden thing...but it does fit.

You can revive a malnourished plant, but there will come a time when you can';t find restoration.

And nothing is worse than wanting to restore your marriage...and finding out that it's too late, that the closeness you once felt is gone beyond recovery.

This post is linked to Wedded Wednesday on www.MessyMarriage.com. If you click on the link below, you can go there to find a great blog, and links to other bloggers who celebrate marriage...in all its beauty and banality.

Love, Honor, and Obey

That last word - the O-word - gets left out of a lot of wedding vows.

It shouldn't, because what marriages need today is a lot more obedience.

Whoa! Pitchforks down, people! And those torches...uh, douse them for now?

Obedience in marriage got a lot of bad press. A couple of thousand years' worth. Yes, Paul talked about it in the New Testament, along with the husband's 'headship' in a Christian marriage.

All very well and good, for practicing Christians. Unfortunately, most Christians seem not to have practiced much, because they weren't very good at it.

Headship was turned into subjugation, and gave a psuedo-religious imprimatur to male dominance. That meant that the guy could pretty well do what he wanted - and his wife was a possession. This was enshrined in law, in countries like England, through most of the Christian Era.

And, oh, yes...in the US, as well. 

This wasn't what Paul meant at all. He intended for a husband to have the headship of Christ - headship that was expressed through servitude. The headship of a king...first in the attack, last in the retreat, and, in famine, eating only what his poorest subject ate. It was not a headship that conferred rights.

Only responsibilities. Including the responsibility of sacrifice, up to and including life.

Know any husbands like that? Remotely like that? I don't, even when I look in a mirror.

What I see in the mirror is a guy who has his own agenda, and who hopes to see parts of it through, sliding it under the tent flap in a shadowy corner, so that I can say, well, it was always there. I'm not being humble. I'm being honest.

Self-interest...not naked, but disguised. Sometimes harmless enough, but with the potential of taking on a malevolent life of its own.

And obedience is the cure. I'm not going to take the easy way out and say, patting myself on my pious head, 'obedience to God, of course!'

That goes without saying, and there's no virtue there.

I'm talking about obedience to my wife.

Obedience to her wishes, that if she says No then it's no. If she says Don't then I don't. If she says Now, I jump. No weaseling backchat. 

Weakness on my part? On the way to being henpecked?

Not at all, It's trust.

I married her with the implied trust that she loved me, and that she would not do anything that she thought was against our best interests, and my best interests. I married her believing that she would sacrifice her interests for my own - and she did.

In return, I have to trust that when she says No with a captial N, she has a good reason.

I trust her. I trust her love.

That is my duty, and my desire.

How to Love your Spouse

We fall in love, and we don't know what we're doing.

We get married, and we're clueless.

We embark on one of the hardest jobs imaginable - living in emotional, spiritual, and physical intimacy with another person, and we're totally unqualified.

We don't, most of us, know how to love the person we're going to spend our life with.

It's not hard, in theory. But in practice...hoo, boy.

The hard thing is that loving your spouse doesn't take into account how he or she makes you feel. It's about how your spouse feels, and how you affect that.

So, what's the secret?

Listen - When you were courting, you probably hung on every word your beloved said. (though you may have been paying more attention to the lovely voice and sweet lips than to the content). But now...be honest, do you sometimes feel your spouse talks too much?

Do you have a feeling you can't get a word in edgewise?

Do you sometimes just wait for them to finish, so you  can talk?

When people 'talk too much' in a marriage, it's usually a symptom, that they feel they're really not being heard.  They feel that what they say isn't really worth listening to - since the one person who's supposed to want to hear them goes zombie while they're talking.

So,more words. Anything to break through!

Does this sound familiar?

Yes, a flood of words is usually a call to please listen. The content may be a recitation of the day's activities, or a penetrating psychological evaluation of a Tier-1 Taliban, but it is your spouse's content. It's important to him or her, and it should be important to you - because it's theirs.

So, just listen. Don't wait to speak, don't tune out, don't put up the shutters in your eyes that show your lack of interest. (And don't roll your eyes, either.)

Just listen. And when your spouse is finished, ask questions.

What if your mate is on permanent send, and simply won't stop talking?

Listen anyway. Listen for their heart, listen for the sake of the love you share.

Will it make your spouse listen to your pearls of wisdom? Maybe.

Will it make your spouse appreciate what a fine lad or lass they've married? Possibly.

Will it get you more sex, or a new golf club, or help in rearranging the living room this weekend? Doubt it.

Will it make your spouse feel better about him-or-herself?

Yes. And even if it's permanent send for life, and even if you never get a word in...do it anyway.

Do it for love.

Date While You're Married!

Dating while you're married is a great idea.

As long as you're dating your spouse.

A lot of couples have "date nights". It's a fine practice, but from what I've seen, there is a lot of potential there that isn't realized.

Date night becomes something like "let's eat out and then go bowling" night, with the plan for the evening decided on the spur of the moment.

"So, what do you want to do tonight?"

"I dunno. What do you want to do?"

"I asked first."

 Nothing wrong with that, but if that's what your courtship was like...it'll never make Hollywood.

Date night is the chance for a special time in your marriage, when you can focus on the most important thing you've got...no, not your golf clubs...the most important thing you've got is each other.

How do you go about it? It's not hard. Kind of like courtship, but you've got a head start.

• Alternate the responsibility for planning - this makes it an opportunity to try to think of your spouse first, and to find an activity and venue that'll please them. If you think your husband 's dream night is a tractor pull, wear earplugs, and be happy in the knowledge that he's happy - and that next time he'll be more likely to pick a night at the movies featuring a romantic comedy.
• Plan ahead - did you make plans for a date on the way to the car, when you were courting? Why do it now? The biggest part of romance is anticipation, so why cheat yourself of something to which you can look forward?
• Build up to the event - in other words, be romantic! Be demonstrative, and let your spouse know that you're looking forward to your evening together. (And this will carry over into your daily lives...which is no small benefit)
• Accentuate the positive, bypass the negative - the time leading up to date night is not for challenging your spouse's political views, or bemoaning the dryer that stopped working. If you have to mention the dryer, fine, but leave it at that...don't carry on about what a lousy choice it was. As far as politics go, isn't there enough talk in the world already? Instead, be positive, be hopeful. Share good news.
• Make the whole day special, not just the evening - include love notes in one another's lunches, or slip one into your spouse's pocket in the morning. Call (if appropriate) to say hi. Send flowers (guys love to receive flowers). Wear a special scent or aftershave.
• Looks count - it's a special day, so take pains to look special. If you need a haircut, get one. Shave carefully, and dress well. A tuxedo isn't appropriate for a tractor pull, but clean jeans and a nice shirt are.
• Follow traditional roles - guys, open doors for your wife. Ladies, accept it gracefully. You don't need to make a point of independence. Guys, you're handling the finances, even if it was your wife's turn to plan (and no complaining about cost, either of you).
• Hold hands - there's magic in the touch of hands, and this is a great opportunity. You can hold hands while walking, while driving (sometimes), while waiting for dinner, at the movie or the tractor pull. There are a lot of places and times when you can take this most basic touch. Don't let another one go by.
• Steal kisses - I don't really have to explain this, do I?
• Start a scrapbook, including a keepsake from each date - why not make a memorable evening permanent? You can use ticket stubs, or a photograph taken during the date. Be imaginative! And write a few words - each of you - about where you went and how you felt.
• If sex happens, it's a mutual gift, not expected or an obligation - the focus is togetherness, and physical intimacy can be a wonderful way to end the evening...but be sensitive. There's no greater gift a husband can give his wife than the non-expectation of sex...it says "I love you for you, without agenda." And gals, men don't always have one-track minds. They often feel they have to live up to an image, and being let off the hook can be a distinct relief.

You married to be together, but so often the pressures of married life force couples apart.

Date night is an affirmation - I want to be with you.

Make it the best it can be.

This post is linked to Wedded Wednesday on www.MessyMarriage.com. If you click on the link below, you can go there to find a great blog, and links to other bloggers who celebrate marriage...in all its beauty and banality.

Why Do Affairs Happen?

In the last two posts we looked at ways to vaccinate your marriage against infidelity, and how to deal with it if the worst happens - and possibly save the marriage.

But we've been dancing around a big issue - why does infidelity happen?

It looks like a complex issue, full of grave psychological underpinnings. But I don't buy that. I think the reasons are pretty simple.

People look outside their marriage for something they perceive is lacking within it.

Please note the word 'perceive'. It's a purely subjective judgement, and very often totally unfair to the wronged spouse.

Most cheating mates, when they return to their senses - and their marriages, if that option exists - lament that they had what they wanted all along, and they've been fools. Fools who did an immense amount of damage, mind.

So...what's lacking? What could possibly be missing from a marriage that has lasted years?

For men, it boils down to a couple of items:

Admiration - Men have fragile egos; no surprise there. Most of them need to be told - constantly - how wonderful they are (and given the opportunity they will tell you how wonderful they are). In a marriage, when all the stories have been told and a bathroom's been shared for quite a while, that kind of adulation generally passes. Wives think - "I'm here, I love him, I show it every day...how can I do more?"

And they're right. A wife's actions speak louder than words, but many men have been deafened - or have deafened themselves - through popular culture. They want to identify with sports heroes or handsome and cool actors (or the characters they portray), but their pot-belly and minivan reality is far away from that.

So they get all insecure, and are vulnerable to the first woman (who isn't their wife) who calls them handsome, and who oohs and aahs over their exaggerated stories, heard for the first time.

Youth - For most men the passage of decades results in some definite physiological changes - you know what I mean, so I don't have to be specific. This sets some on a road to 'prove' themselves with a younger woman (as if a younger woman could magically make them younger, too).

Obviously, the similarly-aged wife just doesn't have the...whatever...to keep her man young.

It's idiotic. Men who do this - and I've known many - don't have the first clue how absurd they look. It's kind of like calling a comb-over a makeover.

Their adventure causes tears for the one who loves them, and they will end in tears themselves.

You may have the idea that I harbor no respect for men who cheat. You're right, because at heart they're liars. They're lying to their spouses, and they're lying to themselves.

What about women? Why do they turn away from their marriages?

They perceive a lack of closeness.. Women generally marry to be part of a couple (while men marry to 'have' a wife and family). When that joint identity is ignored by one-half of the partnership, it makes a woman lonelier than she ever believed she could feel.

Men are great at courtship. They tend to be lousy at relationship, drifting away into a kind of psuedo-macho aloofness. The flowers that came every week are replaced with a card - purchased at a convenience store - on birthdays and Valentine's Day (if they remember).

It's not that men don't care - they do, but they show love by doing 'stuff'. For a man, changing the oil in the car is an act of devotion, and cleaning a toilet without being asked is the ultimate romantic gesture.

Many women don't understand this, and they're vulnerable to a man who will revive the magic of courtship. They're not looking to prove themselves, using someone else's body. They're looking for another chance to be loved in the way that they knew (and the way society tells them to expect).

The really sad thing is that there's a category of men who prey on this situation - there's no other word for it. They're self-appointed Lotharios, and they're also scum.

If you think I'm more understanding of women who cheat - you;'re right. Their situation is often tragic, in the strict and specific sense of the word (a good person with a fatal flaw).

Marriage is not easy (no, really?). It takes a promise, and a commitment to honor that promise...and the daily effort to make that commitment a reality.

It takes an effort to understand one's mate. To listen, and to learn, both specifically, and about how a different gender sees things in general.

And it takes self-awareness. You've got to know what you're doing wrong, and what you're doing right, without either self-justification or self-praise.

It's worth it.

Infidelity ain't.