Suicide

This evening brought the news that Pastor Rick Warren's son had taken his own life.

Our thoughts and prayers go out to Pastor Warren and his wife, and their church community.

There's almost nothing harder on a family, and a close-knit community, than suicide. It always begs the question - "What could we have done?"

And the answer is always the same.

Nothing.

Mental illness is an illness. Some forms are curable, some are not.

And some forms are fatal. Like some cancers, some forms of heart disease - some mental illnesses will, inevitably, result in the death of the sufferer. That death occurs by his or her own hand makes no difference whatsoever. It's exactly the same as a cancer that chokes the air out of one's lungs.

There are those who would differ, who would say that it is a choice. There are those who say that suicide shows up a moral flaw, implying or baldly stating cowardice, and selfishness. Those who came back from the brink themselves, and make that claim, seem particularly compelling, except...

...if you came back from the brink (and I'm delighted you did), you didn't have it as bad as it could have been - because you're alive to tell the tale.

The young man who took his life walked alone we dare not imagine.

And that we never dare judge.

Jesus On The Cross

I recently read a thought-provoking blog on how Jesus might have dealt with the physical agony of crucifixion, by meditating on Psalm 22. Here's the link, if you're interested:

http://www.charismamag.com/blogs/fire-in-my-bones/17198-how-jesus-endured-the-pain-of-the-cross

It's an interesting theory, and Scripturally sound, in that it ties in His experiences with the physiological aspects of death-by-torture, and the prophecies that His life - and death - fulfilled.

But I disagree with the premise, for one simple reason.

Jesus came to show us a path through death into life, and taking a shortcut that would have in any way mitigated His pain would have been an abandonment of His mission - and of us.

This is not to say that meditation can't be used to overcome pain. It can, and it can be very effective. But dealing with that sort of horrific experience through meditation isn't accessible to most of us. It would be nice if it were, but for the most part we're tied to a raft of pain, moving its agonizing way down the slow river of time.

I don't think that Jesus 'checked out', for even a minute - if anything, the opposite. I think he felt the pain more intensely, and felt the anguish and loneliness to an even more lacerating degree.

The aforementioned post ties in the possibility of Jesus' meditation on the cross with the hymn, "Old Rugged Cross", using it to illustrate the saving transcendence of that instrument of torture.

I don't buy it, and I loathe the hymn. The cross was a necessary fulfillment of prophecy, but the meaning of God's forgiveness of our sins is to be found in the empty tomb.

Never, ever, in bloodstained wood.

Dear John

The Dear John letter is almost a cliche in the American military. it's the letter many servicemen, stationed abroad in wartime, received - the letter that ended an engagement or marriage.

On the face of it, there's almost nothing as reprehensible. To coldly tell an individual who's had years taken from his life by war that he's been replaced in one's heart is stunningly cruel.

Not because 'feelings change' - but because feelings can be controlled by action, and opening oneself up to the opportunity for liaisons while one's fiance or spouse is serving is simply disloyal.

While this crushed the spirits of many recipients (likely led to many wartime deaths...of those who no longer gave a damn), there has been described, by Edwards Park, a nice countermove.

Park served with the US Army Air Force in New Guinea, and while he didn't receive a DJ, many of his fellow pilots did. Their answer was to post them on a bulletin board, for all to see.

Both as an expression of solidarity, and as an expression of public ridicule. A riposte to the syrupy romanticism that engendered the letters' existence ("Dear John, I know this will hurt you terribly, but something terribly big has happened to me, and I want you to be the first to know...").

And So What?

I live with a lot of pain. Centered in the upper abdomen, it's debilitating, exhausting, and sometimes simply terrifying. It's going to kill me one day.

And so what?

Life goes on, whatever your situation is. Every day has 24 hours. They don't come back.

One can choose to make pain an excuse, but the days still pass.

This has been something of an epiphany - that it really doesn't matter. I had subconsciously thought that there was something ennobling about what I was going through, that far from being an excuse, my 'ordeal' was part of a higher purpose.

It's not. What's ennobling is not giving a damn about 'my suffering', and turning my eyes, hands, and soul outward.

Because that's where God's world is.

There is a downside risk to this point of view, of course. C.S. Lewis pointed it out, in the attitude of a centurion described by Tacitus - immitior quia toleraverat (all the more relentless because he had endured it himself).

Being unsympathetic to oneself leads logically to a lack of sympathy for others, and to a cold harshness that places deeds above faith; indeed, places deeds above humanity.

And it's something of which I've been - rightly - accused.

I think that the worm at the core of my theological apple is the assumption that "what's ennobling is not giving a damn about 'my suffering'". It's a sneaky way to claim moral high ground by placing myself first in line to be denied the comforts of sympathy.

In the end there may be no moral high ground. Both pathos and icy asceticism are poses, the former at least being genuine, while the later is merely a frame in which to insert one's own portrait, posturing heroically in dubious battle against an enemy of one's own definition.

Carrying this to its logical conclusion, the high ground is God's alone.

As it should be.

On Being a Better Wife

Women should come with instructions - but when did any man last read instructions?

Men, on the other hand, merely need a disclaimer - "caution - fragile ego ahead".

When you read the list, you may be surprised - are men really like that? In an intimate relationship, they are, because while women have been conditioned to take pride in nurturing, men never made the transition. They went from feeling respected for being 'warriors and providers' to feeling like their strengths are not needed, and their weaknesses are valid subjects for public ridicule - and ridicule within the intimacy of marriage.

That said, to follow yesterday's suggestions for men, here are some for the other side of the aisle -

1. Your husband's ego is large, but very brittle - if you remember that fact you'll save both of you a lot of trouble
2. Your husband never quite believes he's good enough for you
3. Compliment your husband on 'man stuff' - strength or endurance. But have a care, because men are surprisingly good at reading condescension. If you feel your comment could sound patronizing - don't make it.
4. The best way to support your husband is never to second-guess him, even when you feel you really, really need to
5. If criticism is needed, once is enough. Restating a point three or four times will leave you wondering why he's withdrawn into a monosyllabic mutter
6. For women, friendships in adulthood are possible. For men, they're rare - you are your husband's best friend, and very possibly his only friend
7. Women will make suggestions to improve a situation they already like, to make it even better - men will assume that this is dissatisfaction, and criticism
8. Your husband is always trying to impress you - if he stops, something is seriously wrong, either with the relationship or in his heart
9. While women tend to find sexually-tinged touch at 'nonsexual' times irritating, for men it's always a pleasant surprise - they want to be wanted, and are always afraid that they are only tolerated
10. Sex should be neither reward nor punishment - both manipulate male fears of inadequacy
11. If you die, your husband will fall apart. If he dies, he thinks you'll carry on quite well. Years of phrases like "The Merry Widow" and "A Woman Needs a Man Like a Fish Needs a Bicycle" leave many husbands feeling expendable
12. For a man, a good marriage is "me and you" - for a woman, it's "us", and men find this terrifying

Be a Better Husband

Guys - want a better marriage?

Here's how.

1. Respect your wife's intelligence - she was smart enough to marry you.
2. Always be courteous, to the point of treating your wife as an honored guest in your life. Remember, she made the choice to be with you, and reaffirms that choice every day.
3. Never interrupt your wife when she's speaking.
4. Never raise your voice when you're speaking - shouting is verbal bullying.
5. Never make your wife beg.
6. When you see your wife in the morning, firs thing - hug her, and kiss her. Make her feel that she's the best thing you could see at that moment - because she is.
7. Call or text her from work, if you can - let her know you're thinking of her.
8. Always take her side against anyone else, even if you think she's wrong.
9. When you get home from work, put aside everything else to give her your undivided attention.
10. Ask her about her day, listen carefully, and ask questions, so she knows you've been listening.
11. If she makes a request, fulfill it cheerfully, and as quickly as you can. Taking out the trash is more important than the last minutes of a tied Super Bowl. The players don't care if you're watching them - but your wife does.
12. When you go to bed at night, make sure any argument is settled, even if you have to give in. Tuck your wife in, and hold her as if it's the last time you ever will, because one day - it will be.
13. Sex is a privilege, not a right.
14. Your service to her is a duty, not a favor.

Your wife is a treasure. Treat her like one.

Please.

Lifestyle

Dealing with illness has changed a lot of my life - not the least of which is the way the hours of each day are scheduled.

I used to go to bed at about midnight, and woke at 0630. When I was teaching, it was a pretty decent way to approach the day.

But a couple of funny things happened - I lost my job, and my health. Suddenly self-employed, I could set my own hours, and suddenly unable to sleep more than an hour at a time, I had to set my own hours!

It was tough, since one gets used to the night-day cycle. Suddenly I was awake through much of the night, with nothing to do. But...why not make it part of the working day?

Seemed to make sense, so I started writing by night, and welding by day, with the occasional hour of an uneasy doze thrown in.

So far, it's working. And I've learned that I never really needed large blocks of sleep, and never needed the statutory 90 minutes required to attain REM sleep. My brain might not be generating alpha waves, but I don't feel the lack.

What I have gained is the very different atmosphere of the night. At night, one's both physically and metaphorically alone. There's no prospect for interaction, so every evening becomes the road to a small, specific hermitage.

And every morning, I get to watch the false dawn light the sky, followed by the actual dawn.

What would I give for a good night's sleep?

Not much. I'm too busy enjoying the night!