Well, if he is, trading him in isn't an option. Sorry.
The large and rapid changes in technology over the last ten years or so have radically changed how we live, and how we interact with friends, family, and the world.
Women have, by and large, mastered those changes. men haven't.
This may be a surprise; men are supposed to be technically savvy, gadget-oriented, and hopelessly addicted to gee-charlie-whiz-bangs. Very true, and when something technical goes wrong with the computer in the living room, chances are your husband will find the problem and fix it (if it can be fixed).
Ditto for setting up the cables between the computer and the TV and the speakers, so the movies you stream will go direct to your monster plasma screen in the Home Theater Area. (Well, we don;'t have one of those either. We have a DVD player, and a small screen.)
Men are good at this sort of thing. Where they're hopeless is in using social networking apps to stay connected with the world.
More than half of the users of Facebook and Twitter are female. For Pinterest, the virtual scrapbooking site, it's close to 80%.
This isn't new. To fond a man, pre-Pinterest, who was interested in scrapbooking would have taken a lot of effort. And when one can say that Facebook and Twitter have to some degree supplanted phone calls, when was it that men tended to spend a lot of time on the phone with one another?
They'd meet at the coffee shop on the corner, or the golf course, or a bar. Socialization was done face to face. So was posturing, and the one-upsmanship games that men tend to play against one another.
It worked, perhaps not too well, up until recently. But now, wives are pulling ahead into a depth and breath of involvement that leaves their men on the outside, sullen and isolated.
Isolated by choice, definitely. Social media is not hard to learn, but most men won;'t make the effort...because they're already behind, and they don't want to acknowledge the perceived shame of trying to catch up with their wives.
Granted, there are other reasons for men to avoid social media. Many men simply don't want to socialize, and they feel that the content tends to triviality (which is dead wrong, by the way).
But the main reason is pride; the pride that prevents a man from doing something that his own wife can do better than he can. And so men forego the possibilities of new friendships, they give up on meeting like-minded comrades, all because of a bruised male ego.
What can you do?
First, try to engage him in your social media world - the part of it where he'll feel at home (you probably don't need to visit Downton Abbey-themed Pinterest boards, here).. Follow some Facebook pages that speak to his interests, and to your shared interests.
Planning a vacation? Many destinations now have their own pages.
Looking at a new car? All the major manufacturers appear on Facebook.
Make room. Physically. Rearrange your computer workspace so that you can sit together, uncrowded. Get a wide screen, and make sure the mouse is accessible to each.
Finally, limit yourself. Before all of this entered our lives, social 'media' was self-limiting, both in its technology and in the ways its presence was accepted. Some people could spend hours on the phone, but it was much more intrusive into family life than sitting in the computer corner, almost silently clicking away.
The ease with which the technology of social media has dovetailed into our daily lives has made it easy to spend an inordinate amount of time there. You're comfortable; you're involved; you're interested.
But is your husband?
Yes, he's interested...especially if the time you spend there makes him sullen and withdrawn.
He's interested in you, and he's feeling the loss.
Why we're here...
Love and marriage are the greatest adventures in life, and they point they way to our relationship with the Almighty.
We're honored to be a member of the Christian Marriage Bloggers Association...click on their logo to visit them.
Friday, March 7, 2014
Wednesday, March 5, 2014
Forgiving Your Mate
C.S. Lewis said that when we think about forgiveness, we should be modest in our first attempts. Don't start with, say, the Gestapo; start with the rude clerk at the corner store.
Then you can work your way up to the Gestapo.
And then you can make the ultimate leap, to forgiving your spouse.
It sounds contradictory; how can it be that hard to forgive the person closest to you? A person with whom you chose to spend your life, someone who's supposed to be your very best friend?
The contradiction disappears when you consider the flip side of those positives...
Someone close can hurt you the worst, because you're vulnerable, and they know the ways in which you're vulnerable.
Choosing a life spent together requires an investment of one's soul as a promise, and it's not easy to walk away, the multitudinous divorces today notwithstanding. Divorce hurts. It's failure, and loss of potential, loss of a future.
And sometimes a best friend can turn into your worst enemy, by deciding to abuse trust and confidences.
The Gestapo, on the other hand, probably didn't hurt you, and probably didn't lay a hand on your ancestors.They're easy to forgive. It's a theoretical exercise which nonetheless lets us feel a few steps closer to Holy.
So, how do we go about forgiving this friendly enemy, this hostile ally, this unpredictable constant in our lives?
First, never say you forgive your mate if you really don't. People can tell when you're not sincere, and the person closest to you can tell most of all.
If the offense has been so great that forgiveness will take awhile - then give it time. Be polite, be considerate, and act as if your unforgiven mate is a Son or Daughter of God, dropped by for a lifetime visit (which is exactly the case).
Second, look in the mirror. Are there things you would have had a hard time forgiving in your behavior, had your places been reversed.
Be honest here, and include the stuff your mate never found out about.
No one's perfect. But as the bumper sticker says, "Christians aren't perfect, just forgiven."
Says in the Bible, forgive and you'll be forgiven. That's a powerful incentive.
Third, when you forgive, don't look back. When you forgive you put away the possibility of ever mentioning the offense again. It has to be gone.
What if your mate "does it again"? Then it's a new offense, and a new forgiveness.
This does not mean that you suddenly take a 'stupid' pill. If the offense was overspending, then access to credit cards can be limited, and you can check the bills. You just have to do it quietly, and you can't talk about it. And if oiverspending recurs, you can NOT say, "You're at it again!"
'Again' leaves your vocabulary when you say, "I forgive you for this."
What you can say is, "I think you went over-budget last month. I'm sure you had a good reason, but let's not do it this month, okay?" (Sound familiar? "Go, and sin no more?")
They say that love is a choice. It is.
And the act of forgiving? It's a choice, yes, but it's a bit more than that.
It's a promise to act like Jesus.
Even to your mate.
Then you can work your way up to the Gestapo.
And then you can make the ultimate leap, to forgiving your spouse.
It sounds contradictory; how can it be that hard to forgive the person closest to you? A person with whom you chose to spend your life, someone who's supposed to be your very best friend?
The contradiction disappears when you consider the flip side of those positives...
Someone close can hurt you the worst, because you're vulnerable, and they know the ways in which you're vulnerable.
Choosing a life spent together requires an investment of one's soul as a promise, and it's not easy to walk away, the multitudinous divorces today notwithstanding. Divorce hurts. It's failure, and loss of potential, loss of a future.
And sometimes a best friend can turn into your worst enemy, by deciding to abuse trust and confidences.
The Gestapo, on the other hand, probably didn't hurt you, and probably didn't lay a hand on your ancestors.They're easy to forgive. It's a theoretical exercise which nonetheless lets us feel a few steps closer to Holy.
So, how do we go about forgiving this friendly enemy, this hostile ally, this unpredictable constant in our lives?
First, never say you forgive your mate if you really don't. People can tell when you're not sincere, and the person closest to you can tell most of all.
If the offense has been so great that forgiveness will take awhile - then give it time. Be polite, be considerate, and act as if your unforgiven mate is a Son or Daughter of God, dropped by for a lifetime visit (which is exactly the case).
Second, look in the mirror. Are there things you would have had a hard time forgiving in your behavior, had your places been reversed.
Be honest here, and include the stuff your mate never found out about.
No one's perfect. But as the bumper sticker says, "Christians aren't perfect, just forgiven."
Says in the Bible, forgive and you'll be forgiven. That's a powerful incentive.
Third, when you forgive, don't look back. When you forgive you put away the possibility of ever mentioning the offense again. It has to be gone.
What if your mate "does it again"? Then it's a new offense, and a new forgiveness.
This does not mean that you suddenly take a 'stupid' pill. If the offense was overspending, then access to credit cards can be limited, and you can check the bills. You just have to do it quietly, and you can't talk about it. And if oiverspending recurs, you can NOT say, "You're at it again!"
'Again' leaves your vocabulary when you say, "I forgive you for this."
What you can say is, "I think you went over-budget last month. I'm sure you had a good reason, but let's not do it this month, okay?" (Sound familiar? "Go, and sin no more?")
They say that love is a choice. It is.
And the act of forgiving? It's a choice, yes, but it's a bit more than that.
It's a promise to act like Jesus.
This post is linked to Wedded Wednesday, a compendium of really cool posts on marriage. If you click on the logo below, you'll be taken to www.messymarriage.com, which is the springboard to a wealth of information.
Monday, March 3, 2014
The Tolerable Marriage
Some marriages are great, but some are only tolerable.
And all great marriages are sometimes only tolerable.
If you've been married for more than about two weeks, you will be well aware the marriage is more like a rollercoaster than an endless bounty of joyous epiphanies. There are moments when you look out from your marriage at a single world you used to inhabit, and, just for a moment, sigh for the things you used to do.
And there are moments when you look inward, at your mate, and wonder, What am I doing here?
This is not a reason to panic. It's normal.
Life is a constant adjustment to changing circumstances, and marriage is a changing circumstance. It takes two people who probably did not know each other for very long and puts them into the most intimate human relationship imaginable, with no way out but the radical surgery of divorce.
(Yes, I know...you've never considered divorce, but have often thought about murder.)
People change during a marriage, sometimes quite quickly, and often neither together, nor to the partner's immediate liking.
A man who was wonderfully laid-back during courtship can become fanatical about exercise when he realizes that his peers are putting on weight and starting to resemble their fathers, and nothing will convince him that there are other ways besides three hours in the gym, every night. (This was me.)
A woman who liked the outdoors and cared little for domestic order can suddenly develop nesting instincts that turn a comfortable house into a place of precious objects and rules, the penalty for the breakage of either being too terrible to contemplate.
A generous mate can become a miser, and a responsible mate, a spendthrift in your eyes.
Sure there are reasons for change, and a lot of digging with the cheerfully expensive help of a therapist can uncover them, but the immediate issue is simple.
How do you cope?
The answer is simple enough to say, but hard to put into practice.
Focus on core values - You married this person for a reason, and those basic traits are still there. Go back to them, and concentrate on reaching and interacting with them. It's tempting to cry out - "He/She just isn't the same!"
True. They're not the same. Neither are you, but there's a common thread of values that you both carry, and those are what brought you together. They're still there.
Accept the importance of the change - the exercise nut is really frightened, and the domestic dictator's life is spinning out of control. The miser's worried about security, while the spendthrift's trying to buy something that's lacking in life.
Pop psychology answers? Maybe, but the point is that there's something driving changes you don't like, and if you can accept that it might be something important, you'll be better equipped to be loving and supportive.
(And, yes, if the change looks like it involves profound unhappiness or other serious issues, do get counseling, however expen$ive it may be. It's worth it.)
Nobody's perfect - You've changed, too, only you probably don't know it...or think it's for the better.
Don't do anything drastic - There's a saying in NASA - "When in doubt, do nothing." An ill-considered and quick response can be far more damaging than taking the time to sit back and let the situation develop until a good course of action presents itself.
Neil Armstrong was an example of this way of thinking. He was known for savoring decisions until the last minute, and then making the right one. This got him chosen as the first man to walk on the moon, and actually saved the moon landing, when the Lunar Module was seen to be coming down to land in a boulder field rather than the expected smooth ground. He hand-flew it to the end of its fuel, and put it down safely as the engine ran dry.
In your marriage, when you see changes in your partner, they've probably been developing for awhile, so nothing 'quick' you can do will change things. That only works in movies.
Let it develop. Don't make sudden decisions, and for Pete's sake, don't make angry, reactive ones. ("She's at the gym all the time, so I'm going to the bar with the guys!")
Accept seasonality - Probably the hardest thing too do, since we really want the good to stay forever. We want our honeymoons to last the life of the marriage.
But you will have bad days, and bad months, and...yes...bad years.
It's what you do during those times that will make sure that the good times come back.
It's said that trouble came to pass, but nowhere is it written that trouble came to stay.
And all great marriages are sometimes only tolerable.
If you've been married for more than about two weeks, you will be well aware the marriage is more like a rollercoaster than an endless bounty of joyous epiphanies. There are moments when you look out from your marriage at a single world you used to inhabit, and, just for a moment, sigh for the things you used to do.
And there are moments when you look inward, at your mate, and wonder, What am I doing here?
This is not a reason to panic. It's normal.
Life is a constant adjustment to changing circumstances, and marriage is a changing circumstance. It takes two people who probably did not know each other for very long and puts them into the most intimate human relationship imaginable, with no way out but the radical surgery of divorce.
(Yes, I know...you've never considered divorce, but have often thought about murder.)
People change during a marriage, sometimes quite quickly, and often neither together, nor to the partner's immediate liking.
A man who was wonderfully laid-back during courtship can become fanatical about exercise when he realizes that his peers are putting on weight and starting to resemble their fathers, and nothing will convince him that there are other ways besides three hours in the gym, every night. (This was me.)
A woman who liked the outdoors and cared little for domestic order can suddenly develop nesting instincts that turn a comfortable house into a place of precious objects and rules, the penalty for the breakage of either being too terrible to contemplate.
A generous mate can become a miser, and a responsible mate, a spendthrift in your eyes.
Sure there are reasons for change, and a lot of digging with the cheerfully expensive help of a therapist can uncover them, but the immediate issue is simple.
How do you cope?
The answer is simple enough to say, but hard to put into practice.
Focus on core values - You married this person for a reason, and those basic traits are still there. Go back to them, and concentrate on reaching and interacting with them. It's tempting to cry out - "He/She just isn't the same!"
True. They're not the same. Neither are you, but there's a common thread of values that you both carry, and those are what brought you together. They're still there.
Accept the importance of the change - the exercise nut is really frightened, and the domestic dictator's life is spinning out of control. The miser's worried about security, while the spendthrift's trying to buy something that's lacking in life.
Pop psychology answers? Maybe, but the point is that there's something driving changes you don't like, and if you can accept that it might be something important, you'll be better equipped to be loving and supportive.
(And, yes, if the change looks like it involves profound unhappiness or other serious issues, do get counseling, however expen$ive it may be. It's worth it.)
Nobody's perfect - You've changed, too, only you probably don't know it...or think it's for the better.
Don't do anything drastic - There's a saying in NASA - "When in doubt, do nothing." An ill-considered and quick response can be far more damaging than taking the time to sit back and let the situation develop until a good course of action presents itself.
Neil Armstrong was an example of this way of thinking. He was known for savoring decisions until the last minute, and then making the right one. This got him chosen as the first man to walk on the moon, and actually saved the moon landing, when the Lunar Module was seen to be coming down to land in a boulder field rather than the expected smooth ground. He hand-flew it to the end of its fuel, and put it down safely as the engine ran dry.
In your marriage, when you see changes in your partner, they've probably been developing for awhile, so nothing 'quick' you can do will change things. That only works in movies.
Let it develop. Don't make sudden decisions, and for Pete's sake, don't make angry, reactive ones. ("She's at the gym all the time, so I'm going to the bar with the guys!")
Accept seasonality - Probably the hardest thing too do, since we really want the good to stay forever. We want our honeymoons to last the life of the marriage.
But you will have bad days, and bad months, and...yes...bad years.
It's what you do during those times that will make sure that the good times come back.
It's said that trouble came to pass, but nowhere is it written that trouble came to stay.
Friday, February 28, 2014
Romantic Marriage
Feeling romantic today?
Feeling the slightly giddy, can't-keep-from-smiling warmth toward your mate that you remember from courtship?
Well, I hope you remember it.
Most couples, on reading the opening lines of this post, would smile ruefully, and say..."Well...no. We've been married for years, and those feeling just go away, and are replaced by contentment and familiarity. Giddiness is for kids."
Believe that, and you're cheating yourself. Cheating your spouse, too. To a large degree, our feelings are a product of our mindset, and equally a product of the actions we take.
Consider feeling 'good'. If we make an effort to think positively, and fill our surroundings with positive images and actions, we'll feel better than if we dwell on hopelessness, listen to sad songs, and watch depressing movies.
So, here are some suggestions to bring romance back to life in your relationship.
Remind yourself why you're there - keep a special diary, or even a notebook, and every day, at the same time (to make it a habit), write down one reason you enjoy your spouse. Don't worry about getting repetitive - the object is to focus on something you like that day.
Be physical - when you pass in the hallway, touch, even if it's just a passing caress to the hand or shoulder. Walk up behind your spouse unexpectedly, put your arms around them. and kiss the back of the neck. Hold hands when you walk together, even if it's just to the mailbox.
Take care of yourself - Guys...shave. Please. Ladies...uh, same thing. Take care of your hair first thing in the morning, and make breakfast a date. What does it say to your spouse when you appear at breakfast with your hair a disaster, slopping around in floppy slippers and a worn bathrobe? Does it say, "I love you, and I'm glad to share this time with you?" Or does it say "Yeah, whatever, I'm tired, and I don't have to look good for you"?
Dress for success - Dress neatly, in clean clothes, even if you're going top paint the barn together. You're not dressing for a task or for convenience when you're together - you're dressing for one another. So ditch the baggy sweats, and the stained t-shirt that you wore on Spring break in Mazatlan.
Smell good - Wear perfume or aftershave that your spouse likes on you. We can't really tell how a fragrance reacts with our own body chemistry, so your mate's input is vital. Don't wear Old Spice or Chanel No. 5 because it's a family tradition; wear what appeals to the most important person in your life.
Do fun things together - Shared enjoyment is the cornerstone of a good romantic relationship. When you were courting, you choose activities that were (usually) about equally fun for both of you. Yes, you were centered on the being together part, but you probably still thought about how an activity would go down with your beloved.
What about now? Do you still do this, or has "I'll go to the opera with you, if you'll go to the tractor pull with me" crept into your schedule?
Look for opportunities in the unexpected. "Oh, that might be fun!" can be a doorway to a whole new chapter in your life, whether it's skydiving or ballroom dance (both of which I heartily recommend for couples).
Share your scent - Before you part for the working day, hold a close embrace, and breathe in the way your mate smells (this is where good grooming becomes important, okay?). This is a physiological process, an imprinting, that says, I'm your, you're mine.
It's a good thing to carry into the world with you.
Feeling the slightly giddy, can't-keep-from-smiling warmth toward your mate that you remember from courtship?
Well, I hope you remember it.
Most couples, on reading the opening lines of this post, would smile ruefully, and say..."Well...no. We've been married for years, and those feeling just go away, and are replaced by contentment and familiarity. Giddiness is for kids."
Believe that, and you're cheating yourself. Cheating your spouse, too. To a large degree, our feelings are a product of our mindset, and equally a product of the actions we take.
Consider feeling 'good'. If we make an effort to think positively, and fill our surroundings with positive images and actions, we'll feel better than if we dwell on hopelessness, listen to sad songs, and watch depressing movies.
So, here are some suggestions to bring romance back to life in your relationship.
Remind yourself why you're there - keep a special diary, or even a notebook, and every day, at the same time (to make it a habit), write down one reason you enjoy your spouse. Don't worry about getting repetitive - the object is to focus on something you like that day.
Be physical - when you pass in the hallway, touch, even if it's just a passing caress to the hand or shoulder. Walk up behind your spouse unexpectedly, put your arms around them. and kiss the back of the neck. Hold hands when you walk together, even if it's just to the mailbox.
Take care of yourself - Guys...shave. Please. Ladies...uh, same thing. Take care of your hair first thing in the morning, and make breakfast a date. What does it say to your spouse when you appear at breakfast with your hair a disaster, slopping around in floppy slippers and a worn bathrobe? Does it say, "I love you, and I'm glad to share this time with you?" Or does it say "Yeah, whatever, I'm tired, and I don't have to look good for you"?
Dress for success - Dress neatly, in clean clothes, even if you're going top paint the barn together. You're not dressing for a task or for convenience when you're together - you're dressing for one another. So ditch the baggy sweats, and the stained t-shirt that you wore on Spring break in Mazatlan.
Smell good - Wear perfume or aftershave that your spouse likes on you. We can't really tell how a fragrance reacts with our own body chemistry, so your mate's input is vital. Don't wear Old Spice or Chanel No. 5 because it's a family tradition; wear what appeals to the most important person in your life.
Do fun things together - Shared enjoyment is the cornerstone of a good romantic relationship. When you were courting, you choose activities that were (usually) about equally fun for both of you. Yes, you were centered on the being together part, but you probably still thought about how an activity would go down with your beloved.
What about now? Do you still do this, or has "I'll go to the opera with you, if you'll go to the tractor pull with me" crept into your schedule?
Look for opportunities in the unexpected. "Oh, that might be fun!" can be a doorway to a whole new chapter in your life, whether it's skydiving or ballroom dance (both of which I heartily recommend for couples).
Share your scent - Before you part for the working day, hold a close embrace, and breathe in the way your mate smells (this is where good grooming becomes important, okay?). This is a physiological process, an imprinting, that says, I'm your, you're mine.
It's a good thing to carry into the world with you.
Tuesday, February 25, 2014
Vacationing With Your Mate - Make It Memorable!
One of the things most married couples look forward to the most are 'just-the-two-of-us getaways'. Leave the kids and the pets and the lawnmower behind, and celebrate what brought you together!
And it's often a disappointing experience, leaving a nagging might-have-been feeling that lingers like a grass stain on a white skirt.
Why? I mean, you're together, alone, and out from under most of the pressures than can make everyday life something of a trial.
What gives?
Two things. lack of context and different expectations.
Lack of Context - We tend to define ourselves by what we do and where we are. My wife would say, "I'm an accountant, and I live in New Mexico" first, if someone asked.
But when we're on vacation, those ID hooks are temporarily put away. Suddenly we're free spirits, unattached, at least in our imaginations, in Hawaii or Yellowstone or Cleveland (do people vacation in Cleveland?).
And we act weird. We wear clothing that would blind a flock of sheep at a hundred paces, we drink too much, we eat things we'd never try at home, and our behavior just gets...well, screwy.
So the person we're with, and to whom we happen to be married, finds they are relating to a side of you they don't know. Intimacy has to grow into the Hawaiian shirt and "dance till 3 am" persona.
And you have to adjust to the temporarily new person your mate's become, as well.
Different Expectations - On a vacation, most men are hoping for sport and sex. Sorry to be blunt, but there it is.
Most women want romance, intimacy, and engagement (with their spouse, and with the place they're visiting.
It's a recipe for collision, and disappointment through frustration or through grudging acquiescence.
What can we do to improve our chances for a fun, fulfilling, loving, and above all memorable vacation?
It's not hard. It just takes some planning, some communication, and some compromise
Choose your destination wisely - Try to pick a spot that offers what you enjoy together, and at least one thing that each of you can enjoy separately.
It's obvious that you should be able to enjoy most of what your vacation offers as a couple. It's important not to pretend - don't go along to get along. Be specific, and work together at finding what you'll both truky enjoy. Giving in and later being able to play the martyr defeats the whole purpose.
Why separately? because tired happens, sick happens, and sometimes people just need to be alone. Being able to tell your mate, "Look, I'm not feeling too great, but you go, and have fun! I'll be looking forward to hearing about your afternoon when you get back," - that's a gift.
Plan ahead - work out at least a general schedule for each day, and make sure the activities you want are available on the days you set aside for them.
Spending a couple of hours after breakfast trying to figure out what to do can ensure that you don't do much of anything. It's easy to spend so much time deciding what to do that you don't have time to actually do it.
Take into account differences - Okay, sensitive topic. Guys, you need to understand that your wife may get far more from holding hands in the moonlight that she will from intercourse. Give her that gift, not to get what you want...but because you love her, and want her to be happy.
Gals, remember that your husband married you partly because he wanted you - physically. For men, courtship is partly pursuit, with one goal being...well, sex. It's not the whole thing, but for every man, that's part of it.
And after years of marriage...he still wants you. That's something to honor.
Have contingency plans - If it rains, what will you do? (Guys, not the obvious, please.)
Make sure that there are activities or events that you can enjoy no matter what the weather. Sitting in a lobby and watching rain gets tiresome after awhile.
Commemorate! - Take pictures, take videos. Bring home ample resources for scrapbooking - and do the scrapbook.
You don't need to go overboard on souvenirs, though. What looks like a cute memento in the gift shop is often something that will have no logical place in your home when you get back.
A spousal getaway can be a wonderful treat...and it can rejuvenate a marriage that's starting to feel stale. With a little bit of care, foresight, and consideration, it can exceed your expectations and become a memory you'll cherish for decades to come.
And it's often a disappointing experience, leaving a nagging might-have-been feeling that lingers like a grass stain on a white skirt.
Why? I mean, you're together, alone, and out from under most of the pressures than can make everyday life something of a trial.
What gives?
Two things. lack of context and different expectations.
Lack of Context - We tend to define ourselves by what we do and where we are. My wife would say, "I'm an accountant, and I live in New Mexico" first, if someone asked.
But when we're on vacation, those ID hooks are temporarily put away. Suddenly we're free spirits, unattached, at least in our imaginations, in Hawaii or Yellowstone or Cleveland (do people vacation in Cleveland?).
And we act weird. We wear clothing that would blind a flock of sheep at a hundred paces, we drink too much, we eat things we'd never try at home, and our behavior just gets...well, screwy.
So the person we're with, and to whom we happen to be married, finds they are relating to a side of you they don't know. Intimacy has to grow into the Hawaiian shirt and "dance till 3 am" persona.
And you have to adjust to the temporarily new person your mate's become, as well.
Different Expectations - On a vacation, most men are hoping for sport and sex. Sorry to be blunt, but there it is.
Most women want romance, intimacy, and engagement (with their spouse, and with the place they're visiting.
It's a recipe for collision, and disappointment through frustration or through grudging acquiescence.
What can we do to improve our chances for a fun, fulfilling, loving, and above all memorable vacation?
It's not hard. It just takes some planning, some communication, and some compromise
Choose your destination wisely - Try to pick a spot that offers what you enjoy together, and at least one thing that each of you can enjoy separately.
It's obvious that you should be able to enjoy most of what your vacation offers as a couple. It's important not to pretend - don't go along to get along. Be specific, and work together at finding what you'll both truky enjoy. Giving in and later being able to play the martyr defeats the whole purpose.
Why separately? because tired happens, sick happens, and sometimes people just need to be alone. Being able to tell your mate, "Look, I'm not feeling too great, but you go, and have fun! I'll be looking forward to hearing about your afternoon when you get back," - that's a gift.
Plan ahead - work out at least a general schedule for each day, and make sure the activities you want are available on the days you set aside for them.
Spending a couple of hours after breakfast trying to figure out what to do can ensure that you don't do much of anything. It's easy to spend so much time deciding what to do that you don't have time to actually do it.
Take into account differences - Okay, sensitive topic. Guys, you need to understand that your wife may get far more from holding hands in the moonlight that she will from intercourse. Give her that gift, not to get what you want...but because you love her, and want her to be happy.
Gals, remember that your husband married you partly because he wanted you - physically. For men, courtship is partly pursuit, with one goal being...well, sex. It's not the whole thing, but for every man, that's part of it.
And after years of marriage...he still wants you. That's something to honor.
Have contingency plans - If it rains, what will you do? (Guys, not the obvious, please.)
Make sure that there are activities or events that you can enjoy no matter what the weather. Sitting in a lobby and watching rain gets tiresome after awhile.
Commemorate! - Take pictures, take videos. Bring home ample resources for scrapbooking - and do the scrapbook.
You don't need to go overboard on souvenirs, though. What looks like a cute memento in the gift shop is often something that will have no logical place in your home when you get back.
A spousal getaway can be a wonderful treat...and it can rejuvenate a marriage that's starting to feel stale. With a little bit of care, foresight, and consideration, it can exceed your expectations and become a memory you'll cherish for decades to come.
This post is linked to Wedded Wednesday, a compendium of really cool posts on marriage. If you click on the logo below, you'll be taken to www.messymarriage.com, which is the springboard to a wealth of information.
Monday, February 24, 2014
The One Secret to a Good Marriage
It's BEING THERE.
Sound simple. I mean, you married this person, right, so you are there.
Physically, yes, but how many of us are there and available for our spouses, all the time?
Not many. If being there was a widespread phenomenon, half of the marriages today would not end in divorce. And remember that divorce shows the tip of the iceberg. A lot of marriages roll on, tolerable but lacking, and the partners do not know if they'd do it all again.
All because of being there.
What does it mean, to be there for your mate? Is it a life of indentured servitude?
If we look to Jesus as our model - which we're supposed to do - then yes, it is.
The kind of service we're talking about isn't measured so much in acts as it is in attitude.
The acts can be pretty mundane. If you're at the end of your favorite TV show and your spouse wants to tell you something, you hit mute and listen.
You want to sleep in, and your spouse wants to get an early start painting the backyard fence...you don't complain, ask for five more minutes, or pretend to be asleep. You get up, with a smile and a willing heart.
You want to go out to dinner and your spouse is tired from a long day at the office...yeah, you guessed it. Stay home, and you make dinner.
Two things are required for this to work. Only two.
The first is trust. You have to trust that what your spouse wants is important enough to them to override what you're doing, or they would not be asking. It's not always going to be true. Sometimes your mate won't notice what you're doing and that it has some importance for you, or they'll be in a selfish mood and won't care.
You just have to assume that most of the time, your mate knows what he or she is doing.
The second is unconditionality. No quid pro quo's. You're not serving to get service back. You're doing it because it's the right thing to do, before your spouse, before your own sense of honor, and before God.
Yes, you might find yourself taken for granted.
Yes, you leave yourself vulnerable to manipulation.
But that's life. Being taken for granted is just across the fence from dependable, and you can't have intimacy without vulnerability.
So it all circles back to trust.
Unconditional trust.
As God trusted the world with His Son, so you have to trust your mate with your time, and with your heart.
And when your heart gets broken...you have to rise again.
Sound simple. I mean, you married this person, right, so you are there.
Physically, yes, but how many of us are there and available for our spouses, all the time?
Not many. If being there was a widespread phenomenon, half of the marriages today would not end in divorce. And remember that divorce shows the tip of the iceberg. A lot of marriages roll on, tolerable but lacking, and the partners do not know if they'd do it all again.
All because of being there.
What does it mean, to be there for your mate? Is it a life of indentured servitude?
If we look to Jesus as our model - which we're supposed to do - then yes, it is.
The kind of service we're talking about isn't measured so much in acts as it is in attitude.
The acts can be pretty mundane. If you're at the end of your favorite TV show and your spouse wants to tell you something, you hit mute and listen.
You want to sleep in, and your spouse wants to get an early start painting the backyard fence...you don't complain, ask for five more minutes, or pretend to be asleep. You get up, with a smile and a willing heart.
You want to go out to dinner and your spouse is tired from a long day at the office...yeah, you guessed it. Stay home, and you make dinner.
Two things are required for this to work. Only two.
The first is trust. You have to trust that what your spouse wants is important enough to them to override what you're doing, or they would not be asking. It's not always going to be true. Sometimes your mate won't notice what you're doing and that it has some importance for you, or they'll be in a selfish mood and won't care.
You just have to assume that most of the time, your mate knows what he or she is doing.
The second is unconditionality. No quid pro quo's. You're not serving to get service back. You're doing it because it's the right thing to do, before your spouse, before your own sense of honor, and before God.
Yes, you might find yourself taken for granted.
Yes, you leave yourself vulnerable to manipulation.
But that's life. Being taken for granted is just across the fence from dependable, and you can't have intimacy without vulnerability.
So it all circles back to trust.
Unconditional trust.
As God trusted the world with His Son, so you have to trust your mate with your time, and with your heart.
And when your heart gets broken...you have to rise again.
Friday, February 21, 2014
Wives, Husbands, and Rhythm
On the freeway, we all have a speed we're comfortable with. Slower is too slow, and we itch impatiently, feeling that we're dawdling.
And too fast gives us a slight frisson of fear.
Life is the same way. We have a pace at which we live, at which we work, talk, and even relax. So do our spouses...and those paces are usually different.
Here's a test - are you given to finishing you mate's sentences?
It's a cute trick, and speaks of how well you know each other, but it's also saying that you're moving faster, and subconsciously you feel your mate isn't keeping up.
When courting, we match our pace to that of our spouse. We slow down, or speed up. This tends to be masked by the fact that in courtship we're doing different things, from what we did when we were single, and there's no solid yardstick we can use to judge the change in pace.
I mean, guys...did you go for long romantic strolls on the beach, hand in hand with your buds? I thought not. (I hoped not.)
None of this is bad. Marriage is a tough exercise, building intimacy between two complete strangers. It's a welding process, using the heat of emotional and spiritual attraction, hopefully under spiritual control and guidance.
But when you weld two pieces of steel together the properties of the individual pieces remain the same outside the zone where they're welded and combined.
So it its with marriage - we're changed by the bond within a certain range, where we interact emotionally, physically, and spiritually. But outside that, we're still pretty much the same.
Ever hear the advice - "Don't marry someone with the intention to change them?" That's it, right there.
When it comes to the pace and rhythm at which we live, it's important to achieve a balance. Otherwise the 'faster' partner feels frustrated and constrained, and the slower mate can feel left behind, or condescended to. None of this is good for the relationship.
What can we do?
Take walks together, holding hands - This simple physical act is probably the most important thing you can do to marge your paces successfully, and with least strain. Physical contact is important - through it we feel warmth and emotion and, yes, the pulse of our mate.
A short walk every evening (weather permitting) is one of the best gifts you can give to your marriage.
Make an intentional effort to match your mate's pace - If your husband enjoys 'pajama Sundays' while you would rather rise at six in the morning and do yardwork, take every second or third Sunday and spend that time with him. He'll be surprised and delighted, and you may learn that you can slow down.
Don't make it a quid pro quo. Make the time you spend with him a gift, and don't hand him a pruning saw next week as the sun comes up. Also, don't complain about, or even mention, the time you may feel has been lost, or what you could have accomplished if you'd kept your preferred schedule.
Agree to disagree - Take time to go at your own pace. Before Barbara and I were married, I ran seven miles, every evening, and had dinner between ten and midnight.
She came from a life where she ate at six, and spent the evening quietly.
I tried to live her way, and it was a disaster. My body didn't adapt well to the change - I was restless, and had trouble sleeping. It was bad for both of us, and the relationship, so finally I went to a modified running schedule (shorter runs), had a small meal with her at six, and my main meal at the time to which I was accustomed. It sounds cumbersome, but it worked, and what was causing distance brought us closer together - because oit took the strain away.
Remember that pace is not permanent - one day, you are likely to find that you've slowed down, since the things that drove you aren't as important...or that you've sped up, because you've realized that they are that important. Same thing is likely to happen to your mate.
If you understand this, and look at life's rhythms as being part of a symphony rather than a consistent drumbeat, you'll be ready to take the opportunity to welcome your spouse into the pace of your pulse, as you slow down to catch up with one another.
And too fast gives us a slight frisson of fear.
Life is the same way. We have a pace at which we live, at which we work, talk, and even relax. So do our spouses...and those paces are usually different.
Here's a test - are you given to finishing you mate's sentences?
It's a cute trick, and speaks of how well you know each other, but it's also saying that you're moving faster, and subconsciously you feel your mate isn't keeping up.
When courting, we match our pace to that of our spouse. We slow down, or speed up. This tends to be masked by the fact that in courtship we're doing different things, from what we did when we were single, and there's no solid yardstick we can use to judge the change in pace.
I mean, guys...did you go for long romantic strolls on the beach, hand in hand with your buds? I thought not. (I hoped not.)
None of this is bad. Marriage is a tough exercise, building intimacy between two complete strangers. It's a welding process, using the heat of emotional and spiritual attraction, hopefully under spiritual control and guidance.
But when you weld two pieces of steel together the properties of the individual pieces remain the same outside the zone where they're welded and combined.
So it its with marriage - we're changed by the bond within a certain range, where we interact emotionally, physically, and spiritually. But outside that, we're still pretty much the same.
Ever hear the advice - "Don't marry someone with the intention to change them?" That's it, right there.
When it comes to the pace and rhythm at which we live, it's important to achieve a balance. Otherwise the 'faster' partner feels frustrated and constrained, and the slower mate can feel left behind, or condescended to. None of this is good for the relationship.
What can we do?
Take walks together, holding hands - This simple physical act is probably the most important thing you can do to marge your paces successfully, and with least strain. Physical contact is important - through it we feel warmth and emotion and, yes, the pulse of our mate.
A short walk every evening (weather permitting) is one of the best gifts you can give to your marriage.
Make an intentional effort to match your mate's pace - If your husband enjoys 'pajama Sundays' while you would rather rise at six in the morning and do yardwork, take every second or third Sunday and spend that time with him. He'll be surprised and delighted, and you may learn that you can slow down.
Don't make it a quid pro quo. Make the time you spend with him a gift, and don't hand him a pruning saw next week as the sun comes up. Also, don't complain about, or even mention, the time you may feel has been lost, or what you could have accomplished if you'd kept your preferred schedule.
Agree to disagree - Take time to go at your own pace. Before Barbara and I were married, I ran seven miles, every evening, and had dinner between ten and midnight.
She came from a life where she ate at six, and spent the evening quietly.
I tried to live her way, and it was a disaster. My body didn't adapt well to the change - I was restless, and had trouble sleeping. It was bad for both of us, and the relationship, so finally I went to a modified running schedule (shorter runs), had a small meal with her at six, and my main meal at the time to which I was accustomed. It sounds cumbersome, but it worked, and what was causing distance brought us closer together - because oit took the strain away.
Remember that pace is not permanent - one day, you are likely to find that you've slowed down, since the things that drove you aren't as important...or that you've sped up, because you've realized that they are that important. Same thing is likely to happen to your mate.
If you understand this, and look at life's rhythms as being part of a symphony rather than a consistent drumbeat, you'll be ready to take the opportunity to welcome your spouse into the pace of your pulse, as you slow down to catch up with one another.
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