Sex and the Married Christian - Part 3 - What You Must Never Do

A good sex life is, as we've seen, a cornerstone to a healthy marriage - and is specifically rated that way in Christianity.

Fortunately, it's not all that hard to maintain a good intimate relationship. Part of that is accepting that it doesn't have to be Hollywood-perfect. It's not a competition. It's really supposed to be fun.

But there is an underside of that coin. There are a few things that should never, ever happen between husband and wife. They can kill physical intimacy stone dead.

And once it dies...emotional and spiritual intimacy are at grave risk. Forget everything you may have heard about 'white' (asexual) marriages. They're not marriages, except on paper. There's no 'holiness' there, merely avoidance of an ordained responsibility.

A stool needs at least three legs, else sitting on it will result in a painful tailbone after a short fall. Likewise, marriage needs the spiritual, emotional, and physical 'legs'. They support each other.

So, what are the never do's?

Never use sex as a reward or withhold it as punishment - Physical desire is a very basic force in the way humans have been designed, and it's connected with both emotions and spirituality on a very fundamental level. When it's pulled into the intellectual realm of punishment, that entire connection is yanked - like the roots of a plant. Everything is affected, and the physical relationship becomes an "if I do this, I will be allowed that" operation.

I am using the word 'operation' deliberately, because imposing a punishment/reward system on intimacy is the quickest way to make it mechanical. Intimacy becomes a goal - release - rather than a process - shared, loving closeness.

Using sex as a reward can be almost as bad...or maybe worse. It puts the 'grantor' into a position of having seized power, and the act of granting intimacy can become condescension, either explicit, implied, or assumed.

And yes, men can feel sexual condescension, and can feel demeaned by it.

Never make a blanket negative comment on your physical relationship - The comment "our sex life was/is awful" is powerfully destructive, and can completely ruin intimacy for the person hearing it.W
The assumption is that the person making the comment isn't at fault. You're not likely to hear, "we have a lousy sex life, and I'm to blame!"

The sad thing is that a comment like this can be well-intentioned, with a sincere desire to improve the relationship. It might be modified by saying "it's improving"...but the initial negative will have done its work.

The immediate result is to make the recipient extremely self-conscious, first about their sexuality ...and later about their very physicality. Start feeling sexually inept, and one will soon start feeling ugly.

Recovering from something like this is almost impossible, unless the comment is quickly retracted, with the apology that it was delivered in anger.

If it's reiterated, with examples and justifications, color intimacy gone.

Yes, intercourse may still occur, but it will always be tainted, offered as either an obligation or (see above) a reward. A couple will probably never be 'together' in intimacy again.

Never compare - This should be fairly obvious - never compare your mate with a previous sexual partner. And I mean never - either negatively or positively.

You don't need ghosts in the marriage bed. The whole thing about physical intimacy is to reinforce the couple, and adding any names or faces to the mix can only be destructive.

A corollary to this is to never ask for a comparison. If your mate has had prior relationships, don't try to find out 'where you stand' in the hierarchy. It's an unfair question to ask, and it can be seen as baiting - "you were pretty free before, eh?"

For husbands - NEVER, NEVER, NEVER force sex - Forced sex is RAPE. Get it?

The minefield isn't very extensive, and it's pretty well-marked.

But step on one of these, and you'll blow up.

 Any other items you'd like to add? Please do!

Sex and the Married Christian - Part 2

So...in time for Valentine's Day...what can you do to improve your sex life?

Oh, boy. A lot of ink has been spilled on this subject, and I'm about to add some more.

Well...here goes.

To start with, Joseph Pote made the comment on Part 1 that women put a lot emotion into their sexuality, and men use sexuality to express emotion. (Joe's splendid blog, Redeemed, can be found here.)

If we don't connect with this basic truth, we'll never have a satisfactory connection with one another.

The suggestions I'm listing below are not "how-to" action items. You can get those in a lot of other places.

They are also not 'tricks' to get your way. If you're approaching physical intimacy from that point of view, a review of your ethics are - to put it bluntly - in order.

For men

Courtship doesn't end at the altar - the best way to a wonderful physical relationship - that will be happy for both of you - is to continue courtship past the wedding. Every single day.

What did you do when you were courting? You probably sent loving emails or texts, sent flowers, opened doors, touched your now-wife gently, stroked her hair, held her hand...

...and you listened to her.

Do you do these thing now? Most men have dropped at least a few, and some have dropped all..."Hey, she knows I love her! Why should I have to..?"

You have to because your wife needs to feel wanted. She needs to feel cherished. She needs your attention and care. She needs you to hear her. She needs you.

Encourage your wife - whether your wife is in the wage-earning labor force or is taking care of the household, learn about what she's doing, and encourage her.

She needs it. Women are still very undervalued in our society, equal rights notwithstanding, and getting strong support and a boost from the person to whom she's closest means a lot to any woman. You know her strengths, and her weaknesses. Others don't - she trusts you, and values your opinion more than you know.

Learn to be sensual instead of sexual - it's a cliche that women like cuddle-time more than most men do. Men are primarily visual, with a quick connection between eyes and hormones. Women are far more sensitive to touch (non-sexual touch), smell, and sound.

Touch your wife's 'perimeter', rather than focusing on the sexual bits/ Run your hands along her shoulders, and arms, and the outside of her hips.

You may be invited to 'go on', but sometimes...for your wife, this is enough. This is what she needs, rather than overt sexual release. If you're willing to follow her lead, the trust you earn will be immeasurable. You'll be a true rarity among men, and among husbands.

An additional benefit of this approach is that your body will become more sensitive to touch, and you'll find enjoyment where you did not think it possible.

Physical intimacy is a process, not a goal - if you're not regularly touching your wife - again, non-sexually - you're probably not on the same page as far as sex is concerned. Saving physical contact for sex does not work for most women. Your wife may go along - she loves you - but she's cheated of something she deserves.

Kiss her, sometimes gently, sometimes firmly. Hug her, and keep your hands where they belonged during courtship. When you're out together, hold her hand. When you go to the movies, put your arm around her shoulder.

Aside from making her feel loved - this process attunes your bodies to one another. You fit together.

Set the mood - This doesn't mean quickly putting out scented candles in the bedroom, and throwing a Luther Vandross CD onto the stereo. It means helping her to keep a home environment that she enjoys. Taking out the trash, cleaning up the clothes you dumped on the chair, doing the dishes...

Women are all about environment. Again - for your wife, sex is a wholistic experience, and the more you can contribute to that, the happier she'll be.

For women -

Be positive - This is probably the most important thing a woman can do. The male ego is fragile - that's no secret - but it's nowhere more delicate than in regard to sexuality.

Just saying "why don't we try this?" rather than "please don't do that" can make a huge difference. Both statements can express the same thing - but the positive statement makes your husband feel like a valued participant, and reinforces togetherness. The negative comment separates, and implicitly blames.

Try to accept the visual - Many men prefer lights. Many women don't. You can 'trade off', or alternate settings, or you can fight your corner to get what you want.

Or you can realize that your husband wants to look at you. If the lights are on, he's not off in some mental fantasy. He's with you.

Slow things down with a hand massage - Huh? Well, think about it. How do your hands feel, right now? Mine are pretty tight and slightly painful.

If you give your husband a hand massage, you won't relax him to the point of impotence (a full-body massage can do that). What you will do is reinforce the primacy of touch - your touch. You'll also make him feel like the center of attention, which enjoyment is not lost on most males.

Realize that your husband may sometimes need a quick and vigorous release - I hesitated to write this, because it's not good to make it a habit. But it is true that there are times when your husband will feel a drive and enthusiasm that go beyond the norm.

And it may be too fast for you to fully enjoy.

This is a gift to consider giving, though, even when you might feel a little bit disappointed for yourself. It lets your husband be himself, and if you can get into at least the emotional mood, he'll get the subliminal message that you're enjoying him...for him.

For both of you -

Learn together - There is no shortage of educational material on married intimacy. Find something that appeals to both of you, and go through the process of learning together. Make it fun, and take it seriously. (Guys, don't use this as a shortcut to quick sex...in other words, don't jump ahead in the textbook.)

Don't ever give up on each other - It's all to easy to put intimacy on the back burner because life gets too busy, or too stressful.

Some situations make sex well-nigh impossible. The death of a parent, for instance, kicks over a primal anthill in both men and women, and shuts down the hormones...sometimes for months.

But you can't let abstinence become a habit. Abstinence is for single people.

When you practice abstinence in a marriage, you lose the physical sense of your mate. You begin to forget one of the reasons you got married in the first place - the feel, the smell, the taste of your mate.

Can you get it back after months? Yes, but it takes time, and takes courtship.

After years? Much, much harder, because both partners will really begin to wonder what they saw in each other. It's a harsh statement, but it's commonly true. There is a point of no return, beyond which intimacy is the satisfaction of a 'legal' obligation. Yuck.

Sex is a gift, just as your spouse is a gift.

Cherish both.

Sex and the Married Christian - Part 1

A satisfactory sex life is vital to the health of a marriage.

Unfortunately.

'Unfortunately' because in many marriages, it's almost impossible to achieve. A combination of history, unrealistic expectations, and a profound lack of understanding of one's mate's gender work together to make physical intimacy something of an ordeal...and often avoided.

There's no question that Christian couples are meant to engage in satisfying physical intimacy, and not just for procreation. Paul doesn't even mention procreation in this context, and the reference to Jesus as the Bridegroom is an unsubtle hint. He could have been King, Prince, Prime Minister...but no, he's a Bridegroom. Deal with it.

And then there's the Song of Songs. Which is way more explicit than anything I'll ever write here.

Sex is a gift, and why does it become a problem? Let's take a look.

History - I'm speaking primarily of history within the marriage. Sex between newlyweds can be wonderful, but it can also be jarringly uncomfortable. The problems usually come from unfamiliarity and clumsiness, but if they are allowed to build a wall of resentment of embarrassment, it can become very hard to move forward and improve things.

There are other aspects of history, as well. A previous infidelity can make a good sex life almost impossible, and a premarital history with other partners can also be used to ill effect through comparison or an attempt to 'shame'.

Unrealistic Expectations - The media throws huge amounts of sexual and romantic imagery our way every day. Couples are portrayed as young, lithe, exciting, and highly sensitive to sensuality.

Romance novels and movies feed on this - even those that are Christian-based.

The reality is that that far-away look in a man's eyes probably mean he's thinking about a bass boat, or he has to find a lavatory - now.

For men, the expectations come from a sordid place - pornography. Not that all, or most men frequent this stinking sewer...so our society has made it come to them. From the Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition to beer commercials to Viagra ads, a titillating an wildly unrealistic view of sexuality is peddled - for profit.

And to the loss of thousands of couples, whose marriages are hurt from this enemy without becoming an enemy within.

Lack of Understanding - So much can be overcome through understanding. It takes so little effort...and even that can be beyond us.

Of course, once again society rides to the 'rescue'. Men and women are different.

Oh, dear, I said a bad thing. Here comes the Thought Police, ready to slap my wrists!

To break it down simply - for me, sex is a part of life. For women, life is a part of sex.

A man's body can react quite quickly to some stimuli, especially visual - and where men are concerned, visual input is a prime factor in sexuality (ever wonder why they "prefer the lights on"?). The response can be quite independent of emotion, or even physical condition, including illness and fatigue. Men can be "ready" almost instantly.

They aren't beasts. They aren't unfeeling. They are just feeling things differently from women.

Women are far more complex, and they are touched by a number of stimuli acting together - and usually at a slower pace. Smell, non-sexual touch, a feeling of being cherished...all these form a part of the buildup to a readiness and desire for intimacy, and they can - and should (hear this, guys) take several hours.

Start in the morning, with love and care, for what might happen in the evening. Better yet, do it every day, regardless of what might happen. Do it because you love your wife.

What to do?

How do you make this part of life into something it's supposed to be?

That's for the next post.

Please comment! What can you add? 

This post is linked to Wedded Wednesday, a compendium of really cool posts on marriage. If you click on the logo below, you'll be taken to www.messymarriage.com, which is the springboard to a wealth of information.

Heart of a Spouse

Take a plate, and throw it against the wall, so it shatters.

Now say, "I'm sorry."

Did the plate reassemble itself, so that it was good as new?

The human heart is something like that. Things you say, things you do can shatter a heart, and no amount of apology can ever restore it to what it was.

You can glue a plate back together. Krazy Glue works wonders.

Time and care will let a heart function again, but the scars will always be there.

The only cure is prevention, and the way to prevention is a filter on your words and actions.

Do I really need to say this?

Do I really need to do this?

When you're married, your heart is no longer your own. And your mate's heart is held in your hands.

It's your choice, to cherish it, or in a fit of anger or selfishness or ignorance...or just plain carelessness, to throw it against a wall.

Omar Khayyam said it well -

"The moving finger writes, and having writ, moves on.
Not all your piety nor your wit
will lure it back to cancel half a line,
nor your tears wash out a word of it."

You have freedom of speech.

And you have the obligation to use it wisely, because sometimes the greatest freedom comes from freedom unexercised.

Is Your Mate a Blamer?

"Well, if you hadn't done this, I could have accomplished that!"

Does this sound familiar, either in its specifics or in its general tone?

If it does, you may be married to a 'blamer' - someone who has to determine responsibility for everything that goes wrong.

And, oddly enough, these folks are, in their reality, almost never to blame.

When you read it, this sounds kind of awful. I mean, being chained for life to someone who ducks responsibility for bad things, and makes sure the blame falls elsewhere? Yuck!

But not so fast, please. Relax that "I just bit into a lemon" face, and stop mentally forming retorts you'll never deliver.

Let's give them a chance. They're not bad, or disloyal. They've been hurt, and they're still lashing out.

Blaming is learned at an early age. The Bible says to raise a child in the way you'd like her to continue, and that shows how important early conditioning is.

Blamers get lousy conditioning. Almost all of them grew up in an environment in which blame had to be determined. Everything stopped while the jury was in session.

And the children of blaming parents took a large share of the blame, as well. They were convenient targets who couldn't fight back.

The result? An adult who will do anything to avoid taking negative responsibility, and who will try to shift that responsibility - and anchor it - elsewhere.

They were never good enough. The 'blaming culture' demands a target, and children in that environment simply can't escape. No matter how hard they try to be perfect and escape the blame, they won't. A minor slip...or even no slip. Just being there can put a child in the dungeon of blame ("If you hadn't been born I could have gone back to school!" As if conception was the child's responsibility.)

They're scared. In many blaming families, there's an implicit threat of rejection for repeated screwups. "What am I going to do with you?" is a banal phrase for an adult, but for a seven-year-old it's a real, open question - and seven-year-olds are quite capable of understanding that some children wind up away from their home and family.

For an adult, the fear is that admitting one mistake will cause their 'perfect' house of cards to collapse, and you won't want them any more.

As I said - not bad people. Just trying to live through early bad examples. But how do you live with a blamer?

Realize that it's not really about you. This is hard, when you're on the receiving end. But the whole point of pointing the finger at someone else is to escape, and carve aa safe niche for themselves. It's all about them. Remember the old adage - when you point a finger at someone, there are three fingers pointing back at you.

You won't win. Arguing the point is useless. You're doomed to lose, and these arguments can get verbally bloody...and cause a lot more damage than the original issue would have. Remember, the blaming spouse has been in this mode for his or her whole life.

Instead of trying to win, just work to get past it. An answer like, "I don't agree, but I understand how you might feel that way" gives the blamer something of a win, but doesn't commit you to a loss.

Forget it happened. An interesting part of 'blamer' behavior is that they often reset quickly. Once responsibility is established, the sun comes out.

Accept the sun. Don't hold your ill-treatment to your heart. Let it go. Yes, it will repeat, but think of it as a recurrent storm in life. In a real storm, you use an umbrella and raincoat - but would you keep them on when the sun comes back out?

Look to the positive. You married this person for a number of very good reasons (at least, I hope so!). The blaming behavior may have been there during courtship (if it was, probably not directed at you), or it may have come out only after your mate was back in a 'family' situation.

But remember - the person you married is genuine, and maybe has a few flaws.

So do we all.

How to Talk to Your Husband

Use small words, and grunt a lot.

You think I'm kidding?

In general - and I am basing this on generalities - men and women communicate so differently that's it's sometimes surprising that they can relate to each other at all.

Women are masters of subtlety. A woman's world is vivified by nuance, tone, and color of language and gesture.

Men are...well, not subtle. Guys pride themselves on speaking plainly, but the truth is that they're ill-equipped to do anything else.

Subtlety requires attention to one's conversational partner, and this is where men tend to come a bit unglued. Think about it - how many men have you met that you could count as good listeners?

Dates don't count. A man on a date is a man on a mission, and listening is a means to an end.

Narrows the list, eh? Most men will patiently wait for you to finish talking, so that they can then talk.

Some women do this too - but most are actually listening. Women internalize what they hear from others, because it makes them more a part of an interconnected world.

Men don't want to be a part of no stinkin' interconnection. Men want to ride high and wide and alone. John Wayne, riding into the sunset.

For a man, how he talks defines who he is. Everything's a statement of manhood, in one way or another. Get a man to be touchy-feely, and he'll think he's turning into a girl.

So, how do you talk to a man?

Use small words and short sentences, with a clear subject.  Make sure your message is delivered quickly and unambiguously. The longer you talk, the more a man's eyes will glaze over.

Maintain eye contact. Don't harp on it verbally, but if a man's eyes start to drift away, his mind's already gone. Stay in his vision, and 'talk with your hands' if possible.

Build in required responses. Not the standard, "Don't you agree?" - that sounds like manipulation, and most men are pretty quick to detect that. Instead, ask for involvement by asking a man for his opinion. Men love to share opinions. "What do you think?" can be magic.

Always be specific. If you talk around an issue, with oblique references, don't expect a man to pick up on it. He won't.

Use flattery. The bigger the ego, the more fragile it is. Most men tend to need ego boosts regularly, which explains their sometimes absurd way to impress others (particularly female others). Salt your conversation with things like "Wow, I never thought of that!", even if your cat would have understood it clearly.

Stand close. Men feel honored when a woman stands close to them - and they will be more forthcoming in this small shared intimacy.

Stay on topic. Women can often jump between three topics in the same sentence, while men are doing well to follow a sentence to its single-focused conclusion.

Be yourself. If you don't typically use sports or military analogies in conversation, don't start. These are areas in which a guy can 'protect' his maleness, and most men find it uncomfortable when a woman starts speaking their 'language'. If you had a consuming interest in sports through the relationship (or are a veteran), it's a different story; but don't start in an effort to make communication better. It'll backfire.

It's really not hard to communicate with men. We're eager to please, and we want to talk with the women in our lives.

We love you, after all. In a raw-meat-eatin', chest-poundin' way, of course.

This post is linked to Wedded Wednesday on www.MessyMarriage.com. If you click on the link below, you can go there to find a great blog, and links to other bloggers who celebrate marriage...in all its beauty and banality.

How to Fight With your Spouse

No, it's not pistols at twenty paces.

When you're sharing life with someone, you're going to disagree from time to time.

When your disagreements are on points that are important to one or both of you, you're going to argue.

And when you argue, sooner or later - it'll escalate to a fight.

It would be wonderful if all disagreements could be settled amicably, with well-reasoned dialogue and acceptance of an ultimately agreed-on solution. That's something for which to strive, and a lot better than the alternative.

Ann Landers (remember her?) once wrote that a marriage in which the partners didn't occasional fight would be as dull as dishwater.  I beg to differ; fighting requires the erection of defenses against the closest person in your life, and those defenses can become habitual. Very easily.

Fighting also leaves scars. Someone gets hurt, and those hurts are remembered. This isn't a Hallmark world, in which we all kiss and make up. We remember when someone we trusted delivered a rapier thrust into an area we'd left vulnerable.

We remember the shock and the hurt, and the feeling that we were fools not to have seen it coming.

Fighting's not good. It does happen, so how do we mitigate the damage it'll do?

First, is it really worth it? Many, if not most arguments are over trivia that take on importance like a snowball becomes an avalanche. Marriages are ended because of things like a coat being slung over the back of a chair, or a dented car door.

These arguments accelerate because of pride - because no one wants to back down. If this happens to you sometimes, don't feel bad - that's how WW1 started.

Step back, when you feel the red mist start to descend, and ask yourself, is this the hill to die on?

Next, pick up a Bible. This sounds silly, but it's really hard to be uncivil when you're holding God's Word in your hands. Don't use Scripture to 'prove' you're right. That's not what the Bible's in your hands for.

Use a talking stick. The person who';s holding the stick gets to talk, and can't be interrupted.

Fight in public. The front porch is fine, or the lawn. An audience inhibits bad language and worse behavior. And no, the kids, in the house, don't count, because many parents are only too happy to fight in front of the kids.

Fights end at sunset. Inviolate rule, "do not let the sun go down on your wrath". And not, it's not 'bedtime', it's sunset. The argument ends there, and you resolve the issue. Granted, there are things that can't be fully resolved at a deadline - but these are fewer than you might think.

Most of what we fight about is the trivia of life, and it can be resolved summarily. Look at the last hting you argued about...

Oops. Can't completely remember? Is the point proven?

Finally - and this isn't strictly part of the 'argument' process...

Maintain a physically affectionate relationship. I can't overstate the importance of this. It';s easy to become emotionally distant from someone with whom you're already physically distant, and arguments only widen the gulf.

Hold hands, hug, kiss, and, yes, have sex regularly. It's part of the glue that bonds a marriage; that kind of physical familiarity makes it that much harder to hold onto destructive anger.

What do you think? Anthing you'd like to add?