Dinner Table Diplomacy

One of the prime loci for conflict at Christmas is...yes, the dinner table.

Breaking bread seems to make us want to break noses.

There are undoubtedly deep-seated psychological reasons for this. Perhaps we should place a therapist at the head of every dinner table, share how we're really feeling, and have a group hug afterwards...

No?

Oh, very well. Here, then, are some suggestions for a harmonious dinner, with guests, in your house.

• Remember that it's your house. You have the right to set some rules and boundaries, and you don't have to vacillate under pressure. "This is my choice" is a perfectly good answer when you turn a conversation from a sensitive subject, or choose to seat venomously warring cousins at separate tables.
• Manage time - don't call the guests to the table until food is actually ready to be served. Waiting is a great incubator for idle thoughts and conflict. And have an activity scheduled to begin just after dessert - again, leave no time to sit at the table.
• Use tall centerpieces to break up lines of sight across the table if you feel a conflict might brew. It's hard to argue through or around an immense floral spray.
• If you serve alcohol, serve it sparingly, because it loosens inhibitions against "in your face" argumentative behaviour.
• Put the dinner table - or tables - in view of the Christmas tree. It's a soothing element.
• Play favorites by talking with the quietest guests. The effort to to this can forestall those who are argumentative.
• Keep party favours - small wrapped gifts for each guest - in reserve. If necessary, distribute them to defuse developing tension.
• Above all - keep calm, and don't be drawn into conflict. It takes two to argue. An individual talking without response will realize the silliness of his situation in short order.

If you're not the host, the last point will be most operative - you can't really control the overall flow of events, but you can control yourself.

If a guest begins to become confrontational during time spent socializing away from the table, you can have a preplanned strategy to cull that person from the 'herd'; lead him or her somewhere else, without referring to their poor behaviour. If distracted long enough, most people will forget what they had been talking about previously.

We wish you a Christmas season of joyful times and happy memories!

Great Expectations

In "Shrek the Halls", Donkey makes the comment, "Christmas ins't Christmas unless somebody cries".

It's funny, but it hits pretty close to the mark. Christmas is the time when we see perhaps the biggest gap between expectation and reality on the calendar.

We are bombarded by TV shows and commercials, old Currier and Ives prints, and sugary songs that make Christmas seem like an endless hug from Barney the purple dinosaur.

Reality is a bit different.

When the doorbell rings, and the folks we haven't seen in a year and might prefer to wait another year before seeing come through the door, we try to have our attitudes and behavior and smiley-face masks adjusted.

How long does that last for you?

Tensions surface quickly, turn into cracks, and while open warfare doesn't usually develop the whole experience is fraught with one-upsmanship and small digs and at the end of it, "Whew! I'm glad that's over".

Is there a way to stop the cycle?

Sure. Celebrate Christmas in Bora Bora with just your spouse. leave the kids in boarding school, and don't tell the family where you're going. Or if you'll come back.

Failing that...make an effort to be low-key. Where you think you have to decorate a lot, don't. Where you think you have to cook sumptuous meals, make them simple. When a multi-thousand-dollar gift list beckons, buy paperback books and CDs.

If the expectations are lowered going in, you may well find a refreshing release from the tyranny of the secular tradition in which we're bound.

And you might just get a little closer to the experience of the first Christmas Day.

Christmas Lights

There was a particular string of Christmas lights.

It carried twenty of the big, clunky old outdoor lights. The globes were transparent, delicate shades of yellow, red, blue, green, and purple, and you could see the filament within.

And they blinked.

Not all at once, or in a 'running' pattern, but individually, each according to its own unknown internal beat.

Those lights mesmerized me. I tried to time the blinks, looking for a pattern I could predict. But there was none.

They went their own individual ways.

There was a fragile beauty to them, a delicate majesty.

They are so much like us. Burning bright, and then going dark, to no visible pattern, but holding nonetheless to the hope that when the light goes out, it will come back.

This Year, Beat the Post-Christmas Blues

Does December 26 feel flat to you?

It does to me, sometimes. The Christmas music's gone from the radio, the decorations are coming down, and the only thing we really have to look forward to is Dick Clark.

Oops. He's dead.

Our Canadian and British friends have Boxing Day on the 26th - whatever that is.

But for the rest of us, there's nothing.

Or is there?

There can be, if we'll follow the old tradition of celebrating the Twelve Days of Christmas, from the 25th to January 6 - the Feast of the Epiphany.

Here are the individual days -

December 25 - Christmas
December 26 - Stephen the Apostle
December 27 - John the Evangelist
December 28 - The Holy Innocents (the kids killed by King Herod)
December 29 - Thomas Becket
December 30 -  the Holy Family
December 31 -  St. Sylvester
January 1 - Solemnity of Mary (also the Holy Circumcision of Jesus...yes, really)
January 2 - Basil the Great and Gregory Nazianzen
January 3 - St. Genevieve and the Holy Name of Jesus
January 4 - Elizabeth Ann Seton and Simon Stylites
January 5 - Edward the Confessor (England), Julian the Hospitaler, and John Neumann. This is also the Twefth Night, as in the Shakespeare play.

The saints are those recognized by the Catholic church - the twelve days predated Martin Luther by quite a bit.

It may surprise one to learn that in some countries the tradition of the twelve days is still alive and well - in the United Kingdom and the Commonwealth nations, many elements of the celebration survive. In England, it's generally practiced by the 'high' Anglican church, which has many Catholic trappings.

In the United States, it's not the case. Largely because of commercial interests ("After Christmas Sale! December 26!) we look at Christmas as a one-day event. Here on the 25th, and utterly gone the next day.

There has been some effort - largely commercial - to recast the twelve days to the period before Christmas Day, to put a different spin on shopping.

An extended celebration changes quite a bit. It almost has to focus on the real meaning of the holiday. Reliving Christmas Morning for twelve days running is way past tolerable, and twelve days of Christmas parties...ugh.

So, what to do?

One suggestion is to investigate the individual feast days between Christmas and Epiphany, and develop a themed evening that incorporates the traditional celebrations.

A less formal approach would be to exchange gifts on each of the twelve nights, with each gift symbolizing a wish of hope for the recipient in each month of the coming year.

However you may choose to do this - if you choose to follow this tradition - it'll make the season quite different for you and your family.

It'll make it richer.

Oh Come, Let Us Ignore Him

'Tis the season for largely ignoring Jesus.

The first major ice storm made its way through most of the United States last night, and another one is coming. Millions of people are without power. Some, because the power lines went down.

And some, because they have nowhere to go, and no one really cares.

Does the phrase, "the least of these" ring a bell?

Sure, many of the homeless are there because they made really, really bad decisions in life, for drugs or alcohol or crime.

The least of these.

Many are there because of mental illness.

The least of these.

Many are there because of bad luck - especially inj the recent recession.

The least of these.

Relief organizations do their best. Do you give money to the Salvation Army, when you see their representatives standing in the cold, ringing a bell?

The government doesn't do enough. We pay taxes that are supposed to benefit all of us. I fail to see how a presidential golfing vacation benefits all of us. I fail to see how congressional offices with twelve-foot ceiling benefit all of us.

We can do something. We can give money, and even our time, to organizations that help.

We can vote for candidates who want to make sure that no American freezes to death on our streets. But when was the last time you heard a candidate put that on his or her platform?

But in the end, we can't shift the responsibility. The smallest and most damaged souls in our environs are still God's children, and our brothers and sisters. Ours. It's up to us.

So many of us look to the old movie, "It's a Wonderful Life" as symbolic of Christmas, and of the spirit of community. The townspeople rally to help George in his hour of darkness.

Who are you rallying to help?

Beating the Christmas Blues

It's the most wonderful time of year!

Blah, blah, blah.

Christmas is wonderful for some people, and more power to them. But for some, for many, Christmas is an ordeal.

It's something to be endured.

It's a survival situation.

Does this strike a chord in you? Does something in all the gaiety grab at your heart and give you a choking feeling?

Do the popular, sentimental carols raise a wave of darkness?

Is Christmas shopping something you dread...not because of the crowds, but because you know that all the glitter and flash and bustle will leave you feeling cold and empty...and you can't even explain why?

And do you feel alone, unwilling to seek help from friends and family because you don't want to rain on their Christmas Parade?

If so, you're not alone. More people than you know - millions - feel the way you do.

And there are some things you can do...

• Know this - it is not your fault, or your doing. No one has the right to make you feel guilty.
• Ditch to sentimental music. If certain carols make you sad, don;t listen to them. If it's the radio...change the station. If your spouse puts on a CD - ask that it be changed. It doesn't matter that the songs are pretty and traditional. It doesn't matter that they were your parents' favorites. They are not helping you now.
• Shop online. You don't owe it to anyone to make yourself feel worse by going to the mall, so don't. If you do your grocery shopping at a 'big-box' store, consider  switching to a dedicated grocery store like Albertson's or Kroger for the duration.
• Cut back on commitments. If you don;t want to go to parties, politely decline invitations. You won't become an outcast, at least not among people who really care about you.
• Cut back on decorating. Decorations can be freighted with memories and tradition, and these frequently trigger depression. If you have to put something up to keep peace in the family, consider buying a new, simplified set.
• Drop the PJ tradition. If you do the present-opening ritual while wearing pajamas, consider getting dressed immediately you wake up. PJs are comfortable, yes, but lounging around in them is not empowering. It sucks energy and vitality from you when you need it most.
• Don't explain. Follow the 'Mary Poppins' rule - "I never explain anything". Explaining the changes you're making can easily turn into a perceived need to justify them, and puts you on the defensive. Just make the changes, and keep the talk to "I decided to do it this way because I prefer it".

Perhaps the most challenging situation is when you have a spouse who's really into Christmas traditions - and you want to go from November to January, directly. In this case you have to violate the "don't explain" guideline, and be forthright about exactly how the holidays affect you. And then you have to be ready for your spouse's efforts, well meaning they may be, to "fix it".

Resist that, because you're not broken.

You're just you, and you have the right to happiness.

Even at Christmas.

Trapped

Over the weekend, Barbara and I saw "The Mask of Zorro", with Antonio Banderas and Anthony Hopkins. Great movie - funny, fast-paced, and satisfying.

But afterwards, Barbara said something that made me rather sad, on reflection. Long ago, she'd seen Hopkins in "The Silence of the Lambs", and in this very different role that the actor played, she saw shadows of Hannibal Lechter.

I was fortunate never to have seen that film, but I know the story and the details well enough. And I think it's a tragedy that for many people, Hopkins will be forever associated with that vile image.

But don';t we run the same risk in our daily lives? Each day, we play a role...not in the form of acting, but in simply moving through the day and interacting with others.

Most of those roles are forgettable. Can you remember what your spouse did last Tuesday? Or what your kids did a week ago Saturday?

Can you remember what you did a year ago today?

But some days stand out in memory like a sheet of flame. Usually these are the bad days, like knowing where you were when you heard about 9/11.

If a parent told you that you'd never amount to anything - you probably know exactly where you were and what you were doing.

If a spouse said something particularly cutting, the scene is stuck in your memory, ready to replay.

And the things you said or did - they're remembered, and they help define you in someone else's eyes.

The good things you did help to define you, too. but as Shakespeare said, "The evil men do lives after them, but the good is oft interr'd with their bones". Or, to use a more pithy military saying - "It takes seven 'attaboys' to make up for one 'dumbs**t!' ".

What this means is pretty simple. Be vigilant in what you say or do. Be the person you want others to remember. Guard your tongue, your actions, your heart.

Because you have an audience, and your performance matters.