When I do talk, it's usually about life-functional things...like needed groceries or which dog has an upset stomach.
Barbara talks about how she's physically feeling; I almost never do except to say something like, "Hard day."
And that's it. I don't have the words that can describe what life is like now. They'd either be melodrama or an idiotic minimization. It's bad, and I don't want to talk about it.
Living it is enough.
But it's not fair to my caregiver, my wife. While it would be wonderful if she could get by on reading body language and grimaces, it's not a reasonable expectation.
I have to learn the language of the patient.
And I really, really hate itt, because it's one more step into the reality that awaits, that I really want to avoid.
Much to my surprise, I decided to participate in a '31 Days' blogging exercise; rather than interrupt the flow of this post, I have another blog established, "Starting The Day With Grace". The focus is a grace quote from someone you might not expect (like, say Malcolm X) and a short commentary. I hope you'll join me.
Marley update...he's received a lot of support, but STILL NEEDS HELP TO BE SAVED.
WE ARE MAKING A DIFFERENCE!
He's up to nearly 200,000 signatures, but the local authorities are dragging their feet. They think that we'll give up and go away. We won't.
If you have a mment, I'd like to ask you to visit Change.org to consider a petition to free a 'death row dog' who has been separated from his family for ten months over a misunderstanding. Marley was saved from Afghanistan by a US serviceman; please help make sure this story doesn't end in needless tragedy! Marley's gotten a lot of support...but he still needs our help.
If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.
Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.
I am a fairly new reader of your blog. I'm just getting to "know" you. This is the perfect way to tell your wife what you are feeling. Have her read your blog. Three years of caring for my dying spouse at home, I learned his body language! But I wished he would have shared his FEELINGS. That seems so hard for a lot of men to do. And it's so important!! Prayers for you Andrew!!
ReplyDeletePaula, thank you so much for this. For me, part of not wanting to talk about my feelings is that it kind of 'solidifies' them; in other words it makes it harder to stay in denial!
DeleteThank you so much for the prayers. They mean a lot ot me.
Hmm - the language of the patient. Good phrase, and not an easy "Rosetta Stonish" kind of process, I'm sure. Thanks, Andrew, for sharing your heart.
ReplyDeleteMichele, you're right. It's not easy. It takes cooperation from both sides, and that can be really difficult, given that life paradigms tend to diverge when one spouse if fully involved in the workforce and life in general, and one isn't.
DeleteThanks so much for being here!
It does take an effort to go there, doesn't it, Andrew. And some days it seems like an impossibility.
ReplyDeleteMay the good conversations that you have shared, the experiences that have bonded you together, the vows you have exchanged be an encouragement to you both.
Linda, you're right. Some days it is just impossible. Like today.
DeleteAnd you're also right that the good conversations and memories of the past should be a bond and encouragement...and they should be both kept and treasured.
Thank you so much for being here!
I don't know if you do this or not but I find it to be a boost when I look at the back trail and see all that has happened, the growth that occurred, and the way I've managed to stay afloat despite it all. I also can see where God propped me up when there was no way I could keep going forward on my own. My sister and I were talking about that very thing this afternoon. Although our caregiving journey is not easy in some respects, there are some perks, like we've become closer as siblings, and we have witnessed God intervening when we hadn't even yet made the request. We don't know what is ahead, but we do know Someone is walking the steps with us. Yay!
ReplyDeleteStill praying. I do believe in miracles, all kinds of miracles.
Norma, that's an excellent stretegy, and I'm so glad it's helped you. It';s also a great way to see God's fingerprints on our hearts, with His touch so deft that we sometimes don't feel it at the time.
DeleteThank you so much for this, and for the prayers. A miracle would be really good about now.
Andrew, I can't say I understand from your perspective; or from your illness and not being able to speak much or often...from mine, though, it's difficult to really "talk" to my husband, the one with dementia, and hearing issues...when we "really" talk, I am almost yelling for him to hear me. And, he is always assuming I am being negative or against whatever it is that he is saying.
ReplyDeleteI think the best way IS for us to learn the language of the one who is ill...perhaps body language or the little faces they make when they are angry or whatever. Looking back on our journey together may also be a good way; though I fear it's been a very long time that we were actually journeying "together"...
What I can do as always is pray for you and for Barb and for your continued ability to communicate in whatever way works for the two of you...and that is what I will be doing for you two, Andrew!! Hugs and love to both of you!!
Barbara, you bring up a good point, and it's one that does affect our communication here. My hearing is not that good, and Barbara has a soft voice; when she has to raise her voice so I can hear her she feels like she's shouting, and it makes her feel bad.
DeleteThanks so much for being here, and for your prayers! Hugs and love back!
Thank you for the vulnerability of this post, Andrew. The phrase that really caught me was "the language of the patient." It's hard to communicate when one feels so ill. Last night, I was praying for you and Barb to be able to find ways to connect, knowing that talking is hard. And talking about everything you're dealing with is hard. I'll keep praying for the two of you in this process.
ReplyDeleteYou are a gift, friend. Praying. Always.
jeanne, thank you so much! Finding ways to stay connected is indeed tough, and we both have to be intentional...which can be hard, since barb's work is so demanding and my days can be pretty rough.
DeleteThank you so much for the prayers, from both of us.
The language of the patient. I'm pretty sure we actually all need that - as in, we all need to learn the language our caregivers, or loved ones, need to hear from us. Good thoughts!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Carol. It's something I never really considered, and having to learn it on the fly is a challenge
DeleteThanks so much for being here!