Your Dying Spouse 530 - Please, God, I Don't Want To DIe! {FMF}

This has been a week of stark, staring terror.

Pain, and dry heaves that feel like they're ripping me apart, and it's hard to breathe.

I don't want to die.

It's not because I'm afraid of what comes 'after'; I've been there, in multiple near-death experiences. I know where I'm going.

But still, I don't want to go, and there's a one-word reason why.

Barbara.

I love this woman with a ferocity that consumes my soul. She has taken up the role of breadwinner, and has done it with a mastery that's just astounding.

I want to see her go on.

I want to listen to her, and pray for her, and offer her what help I can.

I want to treasure every last smile, every hug (soft ones; because I hurt too much for a proper hug), and every tear of frustration that I can help to dry.

I want to be here for her.

I don't want to die.

Just for fun, here's Joe Jackson with Is She Really Going Out With Him? The first time I heart this I was waiting for a procedure at Mayo Scottsdale (when I had insurance) that had a 70% chance of killing me.

At that time, Barb and I were divorced, so I called her - got her voicemail - and asked if she would be my medical power of attorney. Divorce or no, she was the only person on the face of the earth that I trusted.

She agreed, and was firm in telling me that this was not a road back.

Indeed so. The road back required me to get counseling, to face my selfishness, and my demons.

And one day, months later, she called me, and said, "Are you sitting down?"

I sat down, and said, "Yes."

And she said, "I think I want my husband back."

So the song's kind of special, and it's fun. I hope you'll give it a listen.

Please pardon my slow response to comments. I do my best, and your comments are really precious to me. Barb is answering many of them now. I'm running on fumes, if you don't mind a macho metaphor.

I'm grateful for the energy to have written this. I'm so glad Barbara's stepped in for many of my posts. I'm really not doing well at all.

Thanks to Carol Ashby, Blessed Are The Pure Of Heart is back on Kindle, and will be available in paperback soon.

Friends are everything. I couldn't have done it.

Marley, the canine waif from Afghanistan, whom WE helped save, has a Facebook page! Please drop by to see how happy he is today.

If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.

Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.

Your Dying Spouse 529 - Cancer's Blessing

Things are kind of bad today, fever up, pain up, and it's hard to see a 'good' outcome in this life.

However...may I offer a comment I made on today's Steve Laube Literary Agency blog, which pretty well defines where y heart is?

"Only this crucible could have taught me so much, and the greatest of these lessons is how to truly give, receive, and treasure Love.

"The love of my family, my friends, and the everlasting Love of the Almighty.

"I would not have missed this for the world."

For music, how about Pat Benatar, with We Belong?

Please pardon my slow response to comments. I do my best, and your comments are really precious to me. Barb is answering many of them now. I'm running on fumes, if you don't mind a macho metaphor.

I'm grateful for the energy to have written this. I'm so glad Barbara's stepped in for many of my posts. I'm really not doing well at all.

Thanks to Carol Ashby, Blessed Are The Pure Of Heart is back on Kindle, and will be available in paperback soon.

Friends are everything. I couldn't have done it.

Marley, the canine waif from Afghanistan, whom WE helped save, has a Facebook page! Please drop by to see how happy he is today.

If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.

Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.

Your Dying Spouse 528 - Hospice

The late Kara Tippetts' Mundane Faithfulness blog (so graciously kept up and running by her friends) dealt with the subject of hospice today. It's a beautiful post on accepting the grace of that stage in dying, and I'd encourage y'all to drop by.

Here's the comment I left:

"I've been told I should enter hospice care, actually should have been there awhile already, but there's no insurance, no money, and no way to get there.

"But it's OK; last night I was staggered with pain in the chest that seemed like every description of an infarct, only it was in the wrong place...above the pancreas. That may be worse!

"But the thing was, I had to deal with it all on my own (no point in waking Barbara, and she had to work today). And in dealing with this, I met another aspect of God's compassion, that this pain has a limit and WILL have an end; it's not the abyss I had dreaded.

"It's just the portal through which I have to pass."

Music from the late, great Jim Croce, with I Got A Name.

Please pardon my slow response to comments. I do my best, and your comments are really precious to me. Barb is answering many of them now. I'm running on fumes, if you don't mind a macho metaphor.

I'm grateful for the energy to have written this. I'm so glad Barbara's stepped in for many of my posts. I'm really not doing well at all.

Thanks to Carol Ashby, Blessed Are The Pure Of Heart is back on Kindle, and will be available in paperback soon.

Friends are everything. I couldn't have done it.

Marley, the canine waif from Afghanistan, whom WE helped save, has a Facebook page! Please drop by to see how happy he is today.

If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.

Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.

Your Dying Spouse 527 - Satisfied With Who You Are {FMF}

In the 2004 film The Alamo (which I strongly recommend), there's a scene just before the final battle, a conversation between William Travis and the gravely ill Jim Bowie.

Bowie allows that he might, at this point, be entitled to a drink.

Travis replies, "Now, you know, Jim, I don't drink." He goes on to say that he left a pregnant wife, dallies with prostitutes, and gambled his way into heavy debt..."But I draw the line at drinking."

Bowie laughs. "You know, if you live another five years, you might be a great man."

"I think I will have to settle for what I am now."

I will have to settle for what I am now.

There's a Zen-like clarity of thought there...because it's true for all of us.

Yesterday is a ghost, and tomorrow is a dream. Today is all we have, and all we are.

What a wonderful opportunity!

This very moment can be our defining moment, the moment when we truly chose to be Christ-like in thought and deed.

We may not be placed to have a great impact on this world, but that doesn't matter, because in God's accounting, it's not about the world.

It's about you, and the free choices you make. God doesn't care about your past, and He's not promised you anything but the moment you're in. He's watching you now, and waiting to see what you decide to do.

Choose wisely.

Choose Him.

The musical choice today is from The Alamo; it's a scene in which, as Santa Ana's bandsmen give their nightly 'serenade' of Deguello (which means 'to cut the throat), Davy Crockett brings up his violin and adds to the melody. It's a beautiful moment, and I hope it happened for real.

Please pardon my slow response to comments. I do my best, and your comments are really precious to me. Barb is answering many of them now. I'm running on fumes, if you don't mind a macho metaphor.

I'm grateful for the energy to have written this. I'm so glad Barbara's stepped in for many of my posts. I'm really not doing well at all.

Thanks to Carol Ashby, Blessed Are The Pure Of Heart is back on Kindle, and will be available in paperback soon.

Friends are everything. I couldn't have done it.

Marley, the canine waif from Afghanistan, whom WE helped save, has a Facebook page! Please drop by to see how happy he is today.

If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.

Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.

Your Dying Spouse 526 - Isolation

One of the really trying parts of terminal illness is a sense of isolation.

You're left on the shore as the river of life passes by, and the common things you hared with friends and family become more tenuous, or they break altogether.

Your life becomes a daily struggle just to do the minimum, and it's hard to keep identifying with people who are fully immersed in the hopes, dreams, and routine of a normal life.

There is a way to counter this, and it's quite simple...you listen.

I can't hold up my end of a conversation with anyone, now, even with Barbara, but I can listen, and listen carefully, and that makes me some small part of their lives.

Barb's work life is complicated and fat-moving - she's a manager, and does a lot of the software verification as upgrades are continually made. She doesn't write code, but she knows what it's supposed to do.

Having written code myself, I can give some value in my listening, and in asking questions. I can hear her when she's talking about building team spirit in the people she supervises, and I can be sympathetic when she's sometimes frustrated.

I'm a part of her life.

It doesn't work in the reverse; my days conist of taking care of the dogs, at a very slow pace, of writing this blog (abd participating in some others), of working on the aeroplane when I'm able (not often, now), and of resting. It's pretty limited, and there's just not much to say.

So I listen, with a full heart.

I think it helps her.

I know it helps me.

Music from Gordon Lightfoot, with Is There Anyone Home?

Please pardon my slow response to comments. I do my best, and your comments are really precious to me. Barb is answering many of them now. I'm running on fumes, if you don't mind a macho metaphor.

I'm grateful for the energy to have written this. I'm so glad Barbara's stepped in for many of my posts. I'm really not doing well at all.

Thanks to Carol Ashby, Blessed Are The Pure Of Heart is back on Kindle, and will be available in paperback soon.

Friends are everything. I couldn't have done it.

Marley, the canine waif from Afghanistan, whom WE helped save, has a Facebook page! Please drop by to see how happy he is today.

If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.

Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.