Your Dying Spouse 257 - The Overwhelmed Caregiver

We're linked with Messy Marriage's From Messes To Messages please visit Beth's site for some great marriage resources!

Being a caregiver can eat you up, and that's no joke. Being overwhelmed is an occupational hazard.

There are just so many things you have to balance, in action and planning...and you may have to be the Chief Morale Officer as well, when your husband or wife is going through a bad patch.

And you've got to do it all well, because another person is completely dependent upon you.

It's not surprising that many caregivers 'break down', and become either emotionally shattered or numb. You can only go so far, so fast, for so long.

And there is always the knowledge that you have to do it again tomorrow, and the day after that.

An endless succession of obligation leading to an ending that you know is going to be hard.

How to cope? Is there a way to cope?

Well, yes, at least to a degree.

• First and foremost, understand that being overwhelmed is normal, and don't beat yourself up for it. Even Jesus was overwhelmed by crowds, and crossed the Sea of Galilee to get away from them.
• Maintain friendships, if possible, with people in whom you can confide when the going gets frustrating. This may seem hard, with the demands on your time, but you will - I hope - find that the friends you have will be more than understanding and will meet you more than halfway.
• Join a caregiver support group at your church, if such exists. It's good to know you're not alone.
• Try to arrange for reliable respite care, to give you an occasional day off. Your spouse may raise a fuss ("Hey, I'm going to be dead in a few months and you're going bowling?") but stand firm. You have to take care of yourself, and hat means occasionally getting out of the caregiving environment for something other than work, church, and shopping.
• Keep a journal for your eyes only. Perhaps better, keep a prayer journal, in which you can pour out your heart to the Almighty on how hard and unfair all of this is...because it is both hard and unfair.
• Carve out a physical niche for yourself to which you can retreat for a few minutes...kind of like a kid's fort made of blankets and cushions. Use it to journal, read, or just have a cup of coffee. Or a beer. If you have an overstocked garage or 'box room', consider rearranging some of the boxes to give yourself a seat...and a kind of privacy wall.
• If you have a meltdown in front of the patient...and at some point you will...don't try to deny it or cover it up. Apologise and move on. (But don't use it as a kind of justification for "See, I really need to get some time away!" That can come across as opportunism, or a setup...even though it's quite true.)

What would you add? How would you suggest a caregiver cope with the feeling of being overwhelmed?

I have another blog, "Starting The Day With Grace". The focus is a grace quote from someone you might not expect (like, say Mick Jagger) and a short commentary. I hope you'll join me.

Marley update... been moved to a sanctuary, and Bay County will revise their 'dangerous dog' codes.

WE MADE A DIFFERENCE!

And marley has a Facebook page! Please drop by to see how happy he is today.

If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.

Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.

Your Dying Spouse 256 - Don't Hate The Pain

Pain hurts.

The "no pain, no gain" idiocy aside, it's at best a warning that you've pushed...or have been pushed...too far.

At worst it's simply an ordeal, a beating you have to endure until it stops.

Pain like that is an enemy. Right? Make it go away.

Well, not so fast.

What most doctors practice now is pain control, and not pain removal, and for good reason.

Pain's a natural part of the body's reaction to stress and injury. It's both a warning sign and a speed bump, which together tell you to be careful, and slow down.

In years past many a baseball pitcher with a sore arm took steroid injections to finish a season...and in so doing made unhealed damage worse, and lost his career.

For the terminally ill it is a bit different. I mean, it's kind of the last season anyway, so why not throw enough meds at the problem, and make it go away?

There are a couple of reasons, actually.

First, quality of life...yours and the patients. Powerful painkillers, taken in large dosages, start to change the personality, and I have been through this. I knew what was happening, and I knew I wasn't me.

Second, and also tied into quality of life, the side effects can be pretty unpleasant. Sleepiness is basic (and can even be welcome), but constipation is most certainly not welcome. The constipation narcotics can cause is the kind that leads to having to try to clear an impacted rectum on the spot, so to speak - a painful process with no little risk of infection, if the rectal wall is damaged. How do I know? Been there, done that, got the t-shirt (and I don't wear it).

Third, overdose is always a danger, as the stuff builds up in the system. OD-ing on the stuff is scary; it's nor just 'going to sleep'.

There's another reason not to totally kill off the pain, and it goes beyond the practical.

Pain can reveal the better part of ourselves.

I have found that when I'm hurting bad, I don't want anyone else to experience what I am going through. Not even the people I learned to loathe on a personal basis. I might hate them, but I would spare them this.

Pain, you see, can be the doorway to compassion.

And compassion can be the doorway to Salvation.

I have another blog, "Starting The Day With Grace". The focus is a grace quote from someone you might not expect (like, say Mick Jagger) and a short commentary. I hope you'll join me.

Marley update... been moved to a sanctuary, and Bay County will revise their 'dangerous dog' codes.

WE MADE A DIFFERENCE!

And marley has a Facebook page! Please drop by to see how happy he is today.

If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.

Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.

Your Dying Spouse 255 - Why Not Give Up? {FMF}

We're back with Kate Motaung and the Five Minute Friday group, for the
first FMF linkup of 2017. Join us, won't you...and write! It's fun.

I'm having to write ahead of time, and I ask your pardon in advance,both for not knowing the keyword on writing and for any awkwardness in my words. I was badly concussed a few days ago, and I am having a bit of trouble transferring what's in my head to the keyboard. If I can, I will reference the keyword when it's revealed.

(The word this week is CONNECT, and I worked it in. Barely.)

So, to begin...

Why not just give up? It's a question I hear frequently.

I used to think that the question excluded give up and die, but it doesn't. It's a well-meant suggestion. Those who have offered it know how hard even the simplest tasks have become, and it's painful for them to see me try to reach beyond those to keep my dreams alive in whatever way I can.

They see no chance of fulfillment...and would resting, at the very least, not be better?

I have to admit that it's tempting. The chances that I'll finish another novel, excepting a miracle, are small, and the chance that I'll ever be well enough to fly again makes working upon aeroplanes - the very few minutes a week I am well enough to - a bit silly.

Except for this - Our actions on Earth echo in Eternity.

I believe in transcendence, that the boundaries between our world and God's...well, everything is porous.

We're here for a reason, and that reason doesn't end with our death. What we do here is precisely what will make us fit companions of the Almighty in Heaven.

So, no...one doesn't give up. It's not a matter of defiance or delusion. It's just the simple truth that what moves our hearts and our ambitions, if they're right and decent, is important not only to
us, but to God.

Our dreams are not 'ours'; they are His, loaned to us with care and love for the duration.

And God likes to share, so our dreams also belong to the world. So does the example of faith and steadfastness we set while pursuing them.

Even when success is impossible, and when no one is watching. You're still connected to God.

Not giving up...it's our job.

And now over to Roger Hodgson and Supertramp...

I have another blog, "Starting The Day With Grace". The focus is a grace quote from someone you might not expect (like, say Mick Jagger) and a short commentary. I hope you'll join me.

Marley update... been moved to a sanctuary, and Bay County will revise their 'dangerous dog' codes.

WE MADE A DIFFERENCE!

And marley has a Facebook page! Please drop by to see how happy he is today.

If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.

Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.

Your Dying Spouse 254 - Caregiver Envy

Envy...the yellow-eyed green scaly monster that waits in the shadows.

Or is it?

The Tenth Commandment says that we're not supposed to covet, which is wanting what our neighbour has, and actively scheming to get it.

But what about just wanting what our neighbour has, without plans or ulterior motives?

That's the position in which a lot of caregivers find themselves.

Dealing with adult diapers and memory loss and a sprung back from helping your spouse into the shower, you see your neighbour heading off for a week in Cozumel...and you think, why them and not me?

Caregiving can feel really unfair.

The pat answer is, of course, that you don't know the trails of others, that everything is somehow cosmically equivalent. You're a caregiver, and the couple you envy is dealing with a disintergrating marriage, or kids that are lurching out of control.

Hogwash.

You can see that these folks are doing pretty well. And you're not.

And your envy is OK.

You see, what you're doing is not wishing your misfortune upon someone else, in a bizarre kind of 'trade'. You're wishing that the life you envisaged all those years ago, when you took the vows, was still intact.

You are wishing that the potential for shared adventure and joy was still there.

You're yearning  for all that's been lost.

Caregiver Envy is a grieving process.

And it's right and proper to grieve.

I have another blog, "Starting The Day With Grace". The focus is a grace quote from someone you might not expect (like, say Mick Jagger) and a short commentary. I hope you'll join me.

Marley update... been moved to a sanctuary, and Bay County will revise their 'dangerous dog' codes.

WE MADE A DIFFERENCE!

And marley has a Facebook page! Please drop by to see how happy he is today.

If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.

Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.

Your Dying Spouse 253 - Work As A Caregiver's Vacation

Shakespeare wrote that "if all the years were playing holidays, to sport would be as tedious as to work."

But caregiving is no holiday, and you, dear caregiver, may find yourself in the odd position of finding your job as a vacation from caregiving, and something to which you look forward.

Additionally, when offered vacation time, you may cringe...because you know that it will likely just mean more time spent at home with your husband or wife, the patient.

This can be a source of guilt, but it shouldn't be. There can be an isolation and sameness in caregiving that's almost soul-destroying. You're locked into a routine that's constrained and constricted by another's infirmity, to begin with.

It's like going for a walk with a toddler. It may be fun for awhile, but at length, having to walk bent over, and having your normal stride limited to baby steps, it becomes a trial.

You don't love the toddler any less for that, but it's a relief when the walk's done.

There's also the limited round of shared activities. About the best barbara and I can do is watch DVDs together, and we've seen everything in our collection, several times.

I don't mind. These are the boundaries of my life, and I've leaned to appreciate the nuances of film-making and storytelling because, well, I have had to.

But she belongs to a wider world, and I imagine it can be excruciating for her. I think she knows the Lord Of The Rings trilogy by heart.

So it is likely something of a relief for her when Monday morning comes. It would be for me.

And I hope it's not a source of guilt, if she feels this way. I'd hate that.

If you're a caregiver and you look forward to your job with a joy that feels almost unseemly, what can you do to assuage any feelings of guilt?

• Accept the feeling as normal - you'e not the one who's sick, and feeling forced into the lifestyle of illness is unfair and frustrating. While your marriage vows (or loyalty, if you're caring for a parent or sibling) put you here, you didn't ask for this. Be gentle with your own heart. You're human.
• Don't overcompensate - don't try to make your home, caregiving life something that it's not. If you hit the ground running and bursting with energy to try to rev up the life you're in, you stand a good chance of wearing your patient out, and creating frustration all around.
• Encourage diversity - if you're stuck with watching movies, subscribe to Netflix or a similar service if finances permit. Or try board games, if you both find some enjoyment there. If you can go out together,plan trips to museums or cultural activities that will not be over-tiring for the patient, and that you can still enjoy even if the activity's limited in time and scope.
• Above all, don't share the feeling of 'work as vacation' at home! - you patient likely knows that caring for him or her is a trial, and limits your life. Emphasizing it can be a body-blow to a person whose self-eteem is already shaky.

What do you think? Are there other ways you can add to deal with this issue?

I have another blog, "Starting The Day With Grace". The focus is a grace quote from someone you might not expect (like, say Mick Jagger) and a short commentary. I hope you'll join me.

Marley update... been moved to a sanctuary, and Bay County will revise their 'dangerous dog' codes.

WE MADE A DIFFERENCE!

If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.

Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.

Your Dying Spouse 252 - Dying of a Broken Heart?

According to CNN (and Debbie Reynolds, who, I suppose, should know), you can die of a broken heart.

It's all a matter of stress hormones and stuff like that.

Whatever. I don't want Barbara to go through that.

Death is a part of life. I've buried friends. Too many, but you don't always get what you want in this life. I've learned that life does indeed go on.

And I want life to go on for Barbara, after I am dead. I want her to have joy and bright days and feelings of satisfaction and accomplishment that are unshadowed.

And above all, to feel God's grace.

Sure, she'll mourn. That's to be expected. But mourning has to have an end.

God did not intend for us to be crushed by sorrow, or worse, the sentimentality that turns the transition from this life to the eternal one into a kind of tragedy.

I'm not saying she should say, "Whoop-te-do, he's in heaven!" That's silly; it's a childish theology.

After all, Jesus wept at the death of Lazarus.

But I earnestly pray that my wife will be held by God in her grief, and that like a rainshower, the grief may move on.

And like that rain, that it, and my life, may water the soil of her future, bringing out new green shoots of hope.

(Please pardon the brevity of this post. I have the flu. We're linked with Kate Motaung's special post on 'Best Books Of 2016', but I can't for the life of me remember what I read.)

I have another blog, "Starting The Day With Grace". The focus is a grace quote from someone you might not expect (like, say Mick Jagger) and a short commentary. I hope you'll join me.

Marley update... been moved to a sanctuary, and Bay County will revise their 'dangerous dog' codes.

WE MADE A DIFFERENCE!

If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.

Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.

Your Dying Spouse 251 - Don't Be Eeyore

Please don't get me wrong; I have nothing against Pooh's friend, that lovable and gloomy donkey. But the Eeyore mindset has no place in caregiving.

It's an easy trap; if you're predisposed to look at worst-case scenarios, and you see your husband or wife declining, it's very tempting to give what feels like reassurance: "It's OK, I've seen this coming for a long time. I expected this setback."

It feels like it should be comforting, but for many patients, it's not.

The patient may be walking a knife-edge of hope, unrealistic perhaps, but real to him or her. To suddenly be confronted with the knowledge of how this looks 'from the outside' can be a shattering blow, and one from which emotional recovery can be difficult.

The patient knows what's happening (except in cases in which mental faculties are compromised, when that may not be true). But it's a matter of how that information's processed that's the key. There comes a time - I know this well - when the only way to make it through the day is to metaphorically walk the sunny side of the street.

But what about you, the caregiver? Do you have to bottle up how you feel about what you're seeing? Do you have to let the knowledge that your spouse is fading fast eat out your heart to preserve the patient's fantasies?

Not as all. That's what friends, therapists, and support groups are for.

That's also what prayer and journaling are for.

Yes, you have to protect that fantasy to the degree you can, and it may feel like you're living a lie.

But it's better to live the lie than to pile on that one more bit of bad news that breaks the proverbial - and fragile - camel's back.

I have another blog, "Starting The Day With Grace". The focus is a grace quote from someone you might not expect (like, say Mick Jagger) and a short commentary. I hope you'll join me.

Marley update... been moved to a sanctuary, and Bay County will revise their 'dangerous dog' codes.

WE MADE A DIFFERENCE!

If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.

Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.