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Tuesday, March 1, 2016

Your Dying Spouse 125 - Despair

We're linked to Messy Marriage's Wedded Wednesday - please visit for some great resources!

As a caregiver, there will be a point where you despair. For your spouse, and for yourself.

Despair looks forward in fear.

You'll wonder, caught in the gyre of a downward spiral, where it's all going to end...but at the same time you know where it will end, and that's frightening.

Even if you've seen death before, you'll wonder...how will it change the features of this person, my best friend?

What will the process do...the movies make it peaceful, intuition says it might be less so...

Will there be agony?

How will I cope with that voice being stilled forever?

How will I come back to a home that's suddenly so empty?

I won't say, Look forward in faith, and take God's hand.

Those are empty words when God feels far away.

But I think, if you know that you will cry, and you will hurt, and that you will come to the end of your tears into a terrible stillness in which it seems that nothing can move again...

...and then, perhaps, the darkness will lift, just a little, as God takes your hand.

I hope so.

If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.

Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links (they're 99 cents each). And if you'd like a free PDF, please email me at tempusfugit02 (at) gmail (dot) com, and I'll gladly send them






Sunday, February 28, 2016

Your Dying Spouse 124 - Evangelizing The Dying, Part Two

Sowing seeds of faith is a labor of love we don’t always get to see bear fruit. During those times I believe God calls someone else to nurture the seeds to maturity, thus producing a bountiful harvest in His time.

- Lara Hosselton


Faith, while facing terminal illness, is something that fluctuates.


I'm writing this post in bits and pieces, because pain has become a simple beasting. It's not controlled, and it certainly doesn't seem to have any meaning.


And it can't be endured. It's way past that. There are those who would say that you have to push on through obstacles. But there are some obstacles that break you.


And so...what?


Seeds, that's what.


If someone walked up to me with a full-on evangelistic message right now...that God loves me and that this is happening for a reason, to bring me 'closer' to Him, I'd request that they take their advice and treat it...well, unconventionally.


But that is in the moment, and the moment, right now, is hideous. Trying to describe it further would require scatalogical language, to which I'm not averse...but not, generally, acceptable for blogging.


The seeds, though, do mature.


Planting the seeds, even when repaid with cynicism, is not a pointless exercise, no more than was Christ's Passion.


There is loneliness here, a terrible gut-shot loneliness.


There is fear. How much worse will it hurt tomorrow?


And there are also seeds growing.


Foremost is the seed that says, "Tell the world about this...that life is still worth living...and that God did not bring the pain, but He'll help you through it, if you let him."


And here...the seed that says, "Life goes on for everyone else...and you can still contribute, if you're willing. You can still encourage, and extend a friendly hand."



If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.

Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links (they're 99 cents each). And if you'd like a free PDF, please email me at tempusfugit02 (at) gmail (dot) com, and I'll gladly send them







Thursday, February 25, 2016

Your Dying Spouse 123 - Meanings

And again, Five Minute Friday, and I'm writing ahead of time. I know that I won't be up to writing later tonight. There's just no way. Feels like someone's trying to remove my pancreas without anesthesia.

Actually, it feels like I've been shot, and I know how that feels.

So...apologies to Kate and everyone...if I can add some words on This Week's Word, I will. Doesn't look good.

But I can still do five minutes' writing.

To begin...

I know quite well that something wonderful is waiting for me on the other side of Death. I've had a week to think about it, and the memory of the Near-Death Experience from last week is still fresh in mind...

Fresher and more vibrant, in fact.

And still there is this melancholy, because I don't want to leave.

This place...it's not Heaven, and the difficult days are nothing like what they will be there.

I cannot remember what it is to be pain-free. I can't remember what not having the dry heaves that wouldn't stop feels like.

And yet, I'd rather be here, and I will fight to the death...hahaha...to stay. I'll leave claw marks on the pearly gates.

But why? Even writing this, it seems ludicrous, and faintly stupid. I mean, offing oneself is clearly wrong, but why not a calm and gentle acceptance?

Why do I intend to face, sword in hand, the angels that will come to bear me off?

I guess there's one reason, and one reason only.

This is my home, this life, and I think it's worth defending.

If the life I'm living has no more meaning than it could just be put aside for the benison of eternal good times, that I could down tools and walk away when I see the chance to split, then none of it ever had any meaning at all.

And that's not the case.

The meaning here is writ larger There, and the love I give it, in gladly choosing pain over deliverance, is the proof of the value of that which is loved.

The meaning of Meaning is Love.

It's the validation of Heaven.

That's it.

The musical inspiration for this post came from the Foo Fighters, with "Walk", part of the soundtrack for Thor.

It contains the line "I never wanna die!"...and if you watch it you'll get a very good idea of why taking me to a hospital is a bad idea.



If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.

Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links (they're 99 cents each). And if you'd like a free PDF, please email me at tempusfugit02 (at) gmail (dot) com, and I'll gladly send them





Tuesday, February 23, 2016

The Pure Warrior - A Story of Viet Nam {#BlogBattle}

Time for this week's #BlogBattle, the weekly flash-fiction contest hosted by Rachael Ritchey

This week's keyword is Pure.

The Pure Warrior

Con Thien was the last place you'd expect to find one.

Another sweep into the Z, and this didn't look like a good one. The NVA was building their strength, and from the amount of mortaring we were getting, they had a lot of toys to play with.

We were going out with The Dead, once again, to try to whittle them down. We and the New Guy Tank and a company of riflemen.

No tracks. The last APCs that got sent out didn't come back, and neither did the dismounts they were carrying. Mr. Charles had a lot of RPGs, too.

So it was going to be a slow couple of days...walking pace, laager up for a night, stroll back.

The night before pushoff, there was a voice from the darkness. "Hey, tankers...got a minute?

Sonny was eyeballs up in the TC cupola, on radio watch, while The Dude, Biff and I were trying to catch a bit of sleep under the tank, but none of us were sleeping. One of our insomniac mortar crews was keeping up a steady stream of illume, keeping the bad places beyond the perimeter lit in an eerie full-contrast tableau.

"Sure," I said.

"Well, where are...oh, down there." The oldest Marine I ever saw squatted down under the glacis. The flarelight deepened the creases in his face, and his eyes were nearly lost in a web of crows'-feet. The skin on his hands was liver-spotted, and he had the rough voice of a lifetime smoker. "How you doin', guys?"

"We're here," I said.

"Yeah. Us, too."

I looked closer, and realized that we were talking with the Dead's sergeant major. He'd been through The Canal, and Tarawa, and he was said to have a lot of Japanese metal in him.

"What can we do for you, sar'nt major?" asked The Dude.

The old man took a knee. "Guys, tomorrow's going to be kind of bad."

"So we gathered," replied The Dude. "Worse than bad?"

The sergeant major nodded. "Way worse."

Biff's voice had a quaver in it. "Ho much, sir?"

You don't call an NCO 'sir', not even a sergeant major; unlike officers, they work for a living. But the old Marine smiled. "How old are you, son?"

"Nineteen, sir."

"You're the gunner, right?"

"Yessir."

"Well, tell you what...you keep Mr. Charles' head down for us, and we'll keep the rockets away from you, and you'll be able to turn twenty. My word. Deal?" The sergeant major put out his hand.

"D-d-deal."

"Okay."

As the old Marine walked away, Biff was crying softly.

***

We ran into heavy contact just two miles into the Z, climbing a gentle grassy slope to a crown that was lined with brush. 

The NVA were disciplined. They let the point platoon walk into a fire sack, and cut them to ribbons. As I dropped into eyeball defilade n the cupola I saw the men fall, either dropped by bullets or hitting the ground in desperation. It was hard to tell which, but in seconds they were all down in the grass.

I yelled into the radio to the New Guy Tank, "Up on line! Now!"

The Good Ship Lollipop surged forward, level with us, fifty yards to our left, and New Guy TC was down in his cupola, just his eyes showing. Just like me. The urge to self-preservation was turning him into a veteran.

A very heavy weight of fire was coming in, pinging off the armor, and volleys of rockets wooshed past, leaving snaky white trails in the air. The noise was intimately physical, an oppressive crackling roar whose small variations made it seem like an evil living thing.

"Biff, unload the tube and put some willie pete in their faces!" We couldn't fire cannister because the point platoon was in the way. Blinding Mr. Charles with fire and smoke was the best we could do. "And get on the coax!"

The tube elevated and boomed, launching the cannister it carried harmlessly into wherever, and then the breech clunked as Sonny slammed in a willie pete.

BOOM!, and a bloom of white smoke appeared in the scrub-line where the heaviest fire was coming from.

"Again!"

New Guy TC had the same idea, and a line of white smoke started reaching to join ours. We were doing OK. The trailing platoons flanked us, and were getting ready to move forward to try to get the point guys back.

ZING!

A bullet hit the hatch just behind my head, and snapped down into the turret, an angry ricocheting wasp. Sonny cried out, then swore...and I could smell blood.

"Biff, ah cain't load, ah'm hit!"

The smoke-line was incomplete, and we'd just been defanged.

Sonny yelled into the intercom again, "No, ah kin hold it, y'all keep on that coax!"

Biif had apparently tried to go to Sonny's aid. Waved off, he started sending 30-cal downrange.

But it was too late. Mr. Charles still had a good base of fire with a couple of heavy MGs and rockets, and his manuever elements pushed forward to hug the point platoon. If they could get close enough we couldn't even hit them with the coax. We were in trouble.

The old sergeant major was with the point guys, and rose to a crouch, firing a sixty from the shoulder, the ammo belt trailing in the grass. There was a steady bright shower of links and cases dropping around him, and the guys who could still move started falling back.

But he could only engage one group of VC, and just as I was about to tell Biff to traverse and nail the others, he shouted, "Barrel's gone!", and I saw tracer spraying wildly, the rifling in the coax's barrel melted away.

It's coming unglued.

I got on the radio, "Lollipop, engage those guys!"

His head popped up a little higher, turned toward me, and I pointed. Then I recoiled in horror.

"No!"

My shout went unheeded, as New Guy TC climbed out of the turret, cocked the fifty on the sky mount, and, standing in the tank's deck in a rain of gunfire, started shooting. I could see the big Ma Deuce jumping with its peculiar rhythm, a heartbeat of death.

But it was working. That crew couldn't hit much with the main gun, but the green-clad NVA were being literally knocked off their feet by the big slugs. The kid was born to shoot a machine gun.

The sergeant major had gone through a full belt, and dropped down to reload. He rose again, slapping the cover of the feed-tray shut, and then staggered backwards. I could see a gust of blood come from his back.

Oh, no.

I said, "Biff, radio!" and climbed out to unlimber our fifty, and bring it into the fight. We'd just gone from good to bad again.

It was the most frightening thing I ever did. I could feel and hear the bullets snap past, and as Biff took my place in the cupola, he looked back at me with wide eyes. Then he closed them.

I could see the sergeant major trying to get the sixty up again, and he fell backwards, a loop of ammo belt coiling across his chest.

There was a blur of movement from Lollipop, and I saw New Guy TC leap off the glacis, pistol in hand, and run toward the fallen NCO, crossing at an angle in front of us.

Oh, God, no.

His tank started inching forward to give him cover, and I felt Ship of Fools start moving too; Biff was guiding The Dude in support.

New Guy TC reached the sergeant major, and emptied his pistol at the NVA. A bullet must have grazed his head, because he spun around, almost fell, and then knelt next to the wounded man, put in a new mag, and kept shooting.

And then he pulled the old Marine onto his shoulders, and walked slowly, bullets scything the grass at his feet, toward our tank.. The Dude jockeyed us around him, to provide cover, and Biff jumped out of the turret to help me pull the wounded man onto the rear deck, to lay him on the hot engine cover.

I extended my hand to New Guy TC to pull him aboard, but he shook his head. His CVC helmet had been wrecked by the bullet that hit him, and in a gesture of annoyance he pulled it off and threw it to me. "It's busted!" he yelled, and then ran back to his own tank.

***

Mr. Charles apparently watched the kid's performance and decided that we were now fielding lunatics, for his fire slacked off, and he melted away into the scrub of the Z. We were able to set up a perimeter and bring in dustoff to take away the wounded and the dead, and then we crawled back across the line.

Sonny refused the helicopter ride. The ricochet has made a mess of his right bicep, but he wouldn't even take morphine until we got back to Con Thien.

I wanted some morphine, just looking at him.

Back inside the wire, as soon as we parked I ran over to Lollipop, carrying New Guy TC's discarded helmet, The Dude following.

New Guy TC looked at me quizzically.

"You forgot something," I said, holding up the shattered remains.

"Oh," he said. He climbed out of the cupola, and I could see his legs shaking.

The Dude climbed onto the deck, and caught the boy by the shoulder. "Hey, easy."

"Thanks. I don't feel so good."

His crew got out, too. The loader and gunner perched on the turret, and Timex stood on the fender, rubbing his jaw.

The Dude said, "I guess you saw To Hell And Back one too many times."

New Guy TC looked up at him, and then around at all all of us.

"Yeah," he said. "But Audie Murphy was Army. We're Marines."



If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.

Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links (they're 99 cents each). And if you'd like a free PDF, please email me at tempusfugit02 (at) gmail (dot) com, and I'll gladly send them






Your Dying Spouse 123 - Pushing It

We're linked with Messy Marriage's Wedded Wednesday..please visit Beth for some great marriage resources!

Not to be immodest, but I used to be in great shape. Had to be, for my job.

Illness has made thing different; of the 'big three' of running, situps, and chin-ups (which is all you need), the last I could do were the chin-ups.

And I noticed something. If I set a goal during one set, the last chin-up was hard.

But if I set the mark one or two higher, getting past my previous 'goal' was easy.

The lesson here, for the caregiver, is that we can do more than we think we can, and that our expectations do, indeed, limit our performance.

So you can lean on your terminally ill spouse, a bit, to do more.

This is not a cruelty/ We all need to be needed, and we all need to live with the expectation that we will pull our weight for the common good for as long as we're able.

Trouble is, you see someone who's hurting, and you want to let them rest. It's natural, it's kind, and it's wrong.

For their own good, for their own self-respect, you've got to push the dying.

This isn't carte blanche to say, "Well, tough, I need this done, you can die later". (That would work fine for me, by the way.)

But it should make you feel more free to ask for help in the household duties that your dying husband or wife can reasonably do.

Mowing the lawn may be out, but addressing Christmas cards...probably not.

You may get some push-back, because indolence becomes a habit, when justified by pain and fatigue. Please believe me; I deal with it every day. There are things I should do and don't want to do, because it hurts...but I feel worlds better when I get them done, or at least do something.

When you push, you do have to be conscious of what's happening...you don't want to cross the line into thoughtlessness, and it's easy to do, especially when your spouse is eager to help. You need to see when helping becomes pushing becomes overdoing, and then...gently...slow it down.

We all need to be needed, even at death's door.

Let your mate know that you do need their help.

It's the best gift you can give.

If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.

Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links (they're 99 cents each). And if you'd like a free PDF, please email me at tempusfugit02 (at) gmail (dot) com, and I'll gladly send them







Sunday, February 21, 2016

Your Dying Spouse 122 - Forgiveness

We are enjoined to forgive...but we rarely do it well.

Every marriage has its dark corners, the fell places where grudges live. The things we mentally hold in reserve with which we can punish our husbands or wives.

Sometimes we don't use them. Too often, we do.

It's kind of like a torture chamber we keep ready in the basements of our souls, ready to use on the person we're supposed to love more than we love ourselves.

And when we send them there...we join them on the rack.

But when death is at the door, you've got to put those old hurts aside, and not only bury them...you have to scrub them from your soul, because nothing is a worse torment than facing the unquiet ghost of someone you loved, and should have forgiven.

Easy to say. How do you do it?

First, you don't do it alone.

I mean, you wouldn't remove your own appendix, right? This is a kind of soul surgery, and you have to get it right. Mess it up, and you may not have another chance.

Getting it right is spelled C-O-U-N-S-E-L-I-N-G.

The resources are out there, but the main thing is having someone who can guide you through the story of the unforgiveness, and help you release the pain...without simply pushing it aside to crop up later.

Don't. please start off by approaching your terminally ill husband or wife with a "You wronged me, but I forgive you."

It may work if its something he or she has felt badly about, but most of the things we hold against our spouses don't fall into the 'grand tragic evil' category...they arise from quirks of personality, and your forgiveness may sound high-handed, and can at worst come across as a veiled attack.

If you've got to start out with a personal conversation, the best thing might be to approach it like this...

"You know, it really bugged me the way you left the towels on the bathroom floor after you showered...but it was kind of stupid of me to be mad."

A gentle absolution is often best.

Piggybacking an apology of your own can also help, and can turn the session into a group-hug-bury-the-hatchet thing. Again, it's not the setting to apologize for infidelity or beating up your father-in-law (those need a counselor!), but hogging the TV to watch Downton Abbey when your wife wanted to watch Sunday Night Football...that can work.

Finally, there is the forgiveness of a grudge that was unjustly held by you...

And for that, you must forgive yourself.

If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.

Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links (they're 99 cents each). And if you'd like a free PDF, please email me at tempusfugit02 (at) gmail (dot) com, and I'll gladly send them






Thursday, February 18, 2016

Your DYing Spouse 121 - Near-Death Experience {FMF}

It's time for Five Minute Friday, the weekly keyword-driven timed writing challenge hosted by Kate Motaung.

This week's word is...well, I don't know yet. I'm writing in advance, because I nearly died forty-five minutes ago. I'm pretty shaky, and the dogs are freaked out.

Again, thank you to those who sent cards. I am shamefully far behind on email you. Please forgive me.

But please know that they mean the world to me. Truly.

Okay, here we go.

So what is dying like? Do you want to know?

I can't speak for everyone, I suppose, but in the last hour it was like this...I was praying that God let me get up - I was so very tired - and I slipped into a dream.

It was a golfing dream. Sheesh. I used to play that game, long ago.

It was with real people - people I knew, and who I either know or suspect are no longer living. They were much younger, as was I.

The course was a real place, and I could smell the grass, and recognize detail of which I hadn't thought...and haven't seen...in nearly forty years.

It was a nice, summery day. Not too warm, not too cold.

And as it went on, it became so very real...I could feel the texture of the ball as I held it, the wood-y feel of the golf tees, the rubber of the grips on the clubs.

There was nothing special, no epiphany. Just a nice day in the company of friends, things happening rather slowly, and I was waiting my turn to hit a tee shot.

Actually...and maybe this is significant...a 'do-over' at a shot I had mishit.

And then I cam back to a reality that felt more dreamlike than where I had just been.

I was so disappointed that I had not been able to take that swing...but if I had, I am convinced I would not have been able to return.

The offered do-over was my offer to come back here, or stay there.

On such simple things does life lie.

The understanding of what had happened was a cold blade...and the dogs were very, very solemn. They were scared, and I had some nervous pee to clean up. (Theirs, not mine!)

I didn't want to go. I did not want to go.

It's not that it was scary; it was nice. But there are things to do here. There's work to do, and there is help I can still give.

If there are skeptics out there, thinking, well, you passed out, and had a fever-dream...there was no dreamlike quality. I, as you, have had plenty of 'dreams'. This was something unique.

Was it oxygen deprivation? I can speak to that, as I have been deprived of oxygen, and had a 'dream' in that state...and it's quite different. This had structure, coherence, a future. The oxy-deprived hallucination was like being caught in a pale, nonsensical loop.

So the message I can bring you, from the other side, as it were, is that there's nothing to fear. The transition won't hurt.

You won't know that you made a transition...unless you go back.

And Heaven is not a place of static perfection. If you play golf...you'll still hit bad shots. I assume that if you fly aeroplanes, you can crash them. I'm looking forward to that.

And there are limits. You can only hit a golf ball so far. There is wind, and there are bad bounces.

But how could it be otherwise?. God made us to rise to challenges...will we hang up His careful work for Eternity?

It seems that we won't, and that we'll have fun facing the things that try our patience and test our skills now.

So there is this, that what we do here is important.

OUR LIVES HERE MATTER.

You may find that, however attractive the end of pain may be, however great the longing to be in God's presence, to see loved one's...

Duty will call you back.

Let it. It means you're not done.

And that's all.

The aftereffect of all this (I am writing a few words an hour later than the above) is exhaustion, a bit of disorientation, and the feeling of wanting to look carefully at everything around me.

And there's a lot of pain, and I'm puking...and I suspect that definitely means I'm still alive.

PS - Still upright, and learned that the prompt is REGRET.

Do I regret coming back? No.  There may be a longing for Heaven, yes, but I would not even put it as strongly as that. It's there, that's all, and one day I'll be there.

I might prefer to miss some things that lie ahead in this life, sure, but I can't say, I wish I were in Heaven now!

That would be kind of ungrateful for the here and now. All will come in its own time. I can live, and die, with that.

Oh, darn. Just learned it's FORGET.

Well, it's an experience I'll never forget. OK?

The musical inspiration for this post came from the Gin Blossoms...




If you can, please do leave a comment. I am trying to answer all, and I am failing, but please know this - I read and treasure each one.

Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links (they're 99 cents each). And if you'd like a free PDF, please email me at tempusfugit02 (at) gmail (dot) com, and I'll gladly send them