Sunday, August 9, 2015

Your Dying Spouse 41 - A Life In Ordinary Time

I'll be back to Stages of Grief in my next post, but since today is our 13th Wedding Anniversary, I wanted to share it with you. And I wanted it to be written down, so that if this happens to be our last anniversary in this life, Barbara can revisit it, and see what I hope is the depth and breadth of my love for her.

It was not a splashy day of exchanged cards and gifts. I was up at 0500, letting some of the dogs out, and watching the sun come up. I like to see the moments when the corona first peers over the mountaintops (the Manzanos), as if it's checking that the world's ready for the sun to leap out onto the stage.

Barb came out at 0730 or so, looking a bit worn; she'd had a restless night. Something called 'hot flashes', or, as she prefers, 'power surges'. (We can't share a bedroom; for one thing, I don't sleep much, and for another, if I am asleep, it's dangerous to wake me...when startled, I tend to leap toward what caused it.)

So I gave her kind of a side-hug and a kiss - I can't really hug properly any more, because there's too much pain and pressure in the upper abdomen, right side especially. So it's an A-frame side hug...and Barb can pack a lot of love into that.

When she got her breakfast and the dog duties were done, we watched Mel Gibson in The Patriot. It's a haunting tale, and while it has some historical inaccuracies (the British did NOT incinerate women and children locked in churches...the Nazis did that) it still gets to the meaning of patriotism, and of what people find, to their own surprise, what they are willing to sacrifice to win their freedom.

After that, I cleaned the filters for the tank in which Barb's snapping turtle (named "Mr. Turtle") lives. I hate cleaning the filters just enough to make sure that Barb never has to do it, but I do like Mr. Turtle...he's playful. When you feed him, if you hold your fingertip above the water he'll jump up, grab it - not painfully - and hang on. And he watches for me, and has some sense of when feeding time is.

And then Barbara bathed Bella The Miracle Dog. Bella is a ten-pound terrier whom we found struggling in a water-filled ditch, her back broken. With a lot of PT, she has learned to stand, and is learning to walk again, even though her spine was not only fractured but displaced.

But Bella has longish hair, and easily gets dreadlocks...so bathing is required frequently. She's pretty cooperative, for a feisty little terrier who exercises effortless control over 80-pound pitbulls and a 150-pound Rottweiler.

And then Barb went to the gym and ran some errands, and I had a cigar (which helps in the absorption of pain meds) and, with a couple of the dogs, watched part of Die Hard.

Bruce Willis once had HAIR!

Barb brought home a couple of milk shakes from Sonic (mine was root-beer-vanilla, a great taste!), which we drank while watching a bit of the old classic The Best Years Of Our Lives. I say 'a bit of'; because the schedule is run on Canine Stomach Time, and feed me! is an unmistakable message. Can't ignore it, either.

Dinner was a slice of gluten-free pizza, which Barb grilled to real perfection. She does the outdoor grill thing, not me!

And so to this moment. Barb has gone to bed, after saying (pardon the language, but I want to be accurate), "You're a pain in the ass but I love you anyway."

I allowed that, yeah, I am, sometimes, and she said she was only teasing.

But she has had the harder road. She's dealing with this illness (which was caused by a botched surgery in 2002, a couple of months before we were married). She's dealt with PTSD, and feeling like she always had to be hypervigilant when we were out together.

Like the time when we were at church, and our next-door-neighbor tapped me on the shoulder. I spun and would have decked him had Barb not knocked me off balance...good thing, because he's a lieutenant in the local police force.

And the current days...I can no longer work, obviously, and leaving the house is impossible except for absolute necessity. It hurts too much to ride in a car, and when I get home I'm wrecked for the day.

So she's got to do almost everything. And she does it with love and compassion, and without complaint.

And that, dear readers, is why I wanted to invite you to this very special, and very ordinary day. There were no grand romantic gestures, no adventures, no candlelight, no passionate sex (I'm far too ill for that).

Just an ordinary day, with the acknowledgement of its specialness, spent together by two people who happened to fall in love in 2001, marry in 2002, and who still love each other very  much.

It's far more than I could have hoped for, or dreamed.

We're linked to Messy Marriage's Wedded Wednesday, a wonderful gathering place in which you can find untold riches to benefit your marriage.
And no, I'm not exaggerating. The stuff there is really good...if you are willing to use it.

29 comments:

  1. Happy Anniversary! I'm so happy for you both - thinking back to the earliest posts I read when I first discovered your blog, you said 'I hope to live to see 2015', and then realised you made it. Every day a gift, and this anniversary you describe is a wonderful gift too. But most of all, what a gift you are to each other.
    I commented to my local garbage collector this morning: 'Miserable job, but you do it with such a smile on your face.' He replied, 'If we lose the joy, we lose everything.' How true. It's so beautiful to see you guys finding joy in each other and even in daily chores done with love for one another. Praying much joy and blessings to you both, each and every day.
    (PS - Bruce? Yes! I've been revisiting Moonlighting on Youtube recently... what hair!)

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    1. Thanks, Ruth! yes, I have made it...and am looking forward to 2016 with some hope. But each day is a gift, and yes, we are a gift to one another. I love that image.

      Your dustman's a very wise chap; there is something singularly meaningful in the context of your conversation with him, and I am delighted that you shared that here.

      Thank you so much for the continued prayers.

      And yes, Bruce was a bonza bloke when he had hair...but really, he still is.

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  2. Very beautiful. Love is the most beautiful in the ordinary.

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    1. Thank you...and yes, it really is. These are the best days of our lives.

      That, by the way, is the refrain from a very nice song by The Calling...here is the link, if you'd like to give it a listen.

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vn7CBtdM3dE

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  3. What a beautiful day! Happy Anniversary to you and Barbara.

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    1. Indeed it was...and still is, for God collects these memories and keeps then evergreen.

      Thank you so much, Lisa!

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  4. Andrew, What a beautiful tribute to your wife. Thank you for showing us the simple "extraordinary in the midst of the ordinary." Like how I flipped that phrase around? Happy Anniversary to you and Barbara!

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    1. I do like the way you flipped it! That's great...and so very, very true!

      And...thank you.

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  5. This touches me. My mind is considering many responses yet they all seem inadequate. Andrew, you are blessed, like your blog title states.

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    1. Norma, your comment really made me think...and you are absolutely right. This title, a spur-of-the-moment choice, really...it is God telling me how rich my life truly is.

      Thank you for opening my eyes. I am so grateful!

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  6. Happy Anniversary to you and Barbara, Andrew! Just another "ordinary" day in an "ordinary" life...as was ours! Such a special tribute to Barbara, and I am sure whenever she does read back over this, she will remember the life you had together! Life is what we make of it; and as I said, our anniversary was also just another "ordinary" day...but, it was a day and we did watch some TV and spend some time together.

    Thanks as always for sharing your life and your words with us! Prayers...always!

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    1. And thank you for coming along on this trip. Friends make it so much warmer, and so much richer.

      And prayer truly lifts it into God's sight. Thank you!

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  7. Happy Anniversary to you both. It's not the grand gestures that keep marriages together, it's the little things, the serving each other, the compassion and compromise, and the forgiveness. It's the demonstration of love which you have showed us here...that's what makes a marriage last. Hoping and praying you are here next year, Andrew to not only write about your anniversary, but to dance Barbara around your home and hug her until she begs you to stop. ;-)

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    1. Thanks, Kim! You're absolutely right...compassion and compromise are the "two-part epoxy" that keeps couples together.

      And the thing about epoxy is that you're not supposed to clamp it tightly...that squeezes the glue out of the joint and starves it...hmm, maybe a future post?

      And thank you so much for the prayers, and the wishes for the dance! I will keep that one in my heart.

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  8. Happiest of anniversaries to you both! I didn't realize we shared our anniversaries on the same weekend. (Ours was the 8th.) Thank you for sharing this special day and your love for each other here. I found both precious and priceless. I appreciate your transparency in sharing how you live your life, Andrew. It encourages me so. May God continue to bless you in ways that you know it's Him. Again, happy anniversary!

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    1. Happy Anniversary, Julie!

      I'm so glad you enjoyed this post. I thought about it for awhile before deciding to share this day.

      A while...like, two minutes. Well, maybe just one. The day begged to be shared, and I'm just glad that God saw fit to guide my words, to make it come to life for you.

      I'm so glad you're here!

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  9. Happy Anniversary to you and your beloved. :)
    Wow, you've come a long way. What an inspiration.

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    1. Thank you! And please accept my apologies at my delay in replying...time sort of got away from me.

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  10. Andrew, you made me smile and laugh. Thank you for being real ... so honest. Everything you write will be so special to Barb, if you leave this earth before her. And I say "if" because you are incredibly strong. I'd have faded away long ago, I'm so weak. And I once had a turtle named after me ... my nephew named it after me. :) Happy anniversary to you both.

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    1. Shelli, thank you so much...but you are anything but weak.

      And please pardon my delay in responding. Things got away from me.

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  11. This was beautiful. Really. When love does not need the dramatic and the romantic and just quietly nestles into every moment - that's when it's real and lasting. God bless you both!

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    1. Carol, thank you so much...and please forgive my delayed response. Your comment, and blessing, mean a lot to us!

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  12. Happy Anniversary! Life in ordinary time sounds like a pretty amazing way to celebrate your love. Glad to have found your blog!

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    1. I'm so glad you're here, Michele...and please forgive my tardiness in responding.

      It is indeed a good way to celebrate. I'm glad to have learned that lesson in time!

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  13. This is love! Your love with your wife, though restricted by your illness has such profound beauty. Thank you for giving us the blow by blow of your day. It helps me (and I'm sure the rest of us) to understand the challenges you both are up against. I would venture to say that the challenges you've both worked through together have forged a more powerful and deep union than many of the rest of us have in our illness-free marriages, Andrew. Congrats on your anniversary and here's to many more with your lovely bride!

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    1. Beth, thank you...it's certainly made a stronger, bond, albeit different to anything I would have foreseen. But it is a lesson worth learning, and a life worth having.

      Please excuse my late response...I do try to do better, but this got away from me.

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  14. Andrew - Thanks for letting us peek into your life, and for showing us how life can go on if you work at it.

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    1. Thank you for coming by and taking a look, Paul - I'm very glad to have you here. Your presence and input mean a lot to me.

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  15. Andrew - Thanks for letting us peek into your life, and for showing us how life can go on if you work at it.

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