Today's word is HERE.
Execute.
My Dear Caregiving Spouse, I want to be here tomorrow...and for as many tomorrows as possible, after that.
But I need your help.
Hope floats, they say, and hope has to be something tangible, something real. It has to be the lifejacket that carries you through the rapids when you fall out of the river-dory, that keeps your head above the roiling water.
And that is why I do things that puzzle you, my dear...I work for a future that neither of us believe I'll live to see. I push myself to begin writing projects that will take years, and other things that tax my energy for a goal that's over the horizon.
Over life's horizon.
I know you mean well. I know that you want me to rest, and not be in more pain than I already am.
I know that you don't want to see me kneeling on the floor, puking blood.
But you don't know, I think, how deep my desire to stay really is. I have to generate the hope that comes in activity, the hope that comes with plans, the hope that comes with dreams.
I need you to understand that, Dear Heart.
I need you to be interested and involved, because I can't navigate these rapids alone. I need you, leaping from rock to rock along the shore, to shout encouragement. I need to hear your voice.
The cause may be lost already, but it is surely lost if I don't try, as hard as I can, to fight for my right to live.
For my place here, in the sun.
With you.
Endex.
That was a hard one to write, so here is a treat for y'all...and it fits the keyword!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C4fxCbwRhuE
We're linked to Messy Marriage's Wedded Wednesday, a wonderful gathering place in which you can find untold riches to benefit your marriage.
And no, I'm not exaggerating. The stuff there is really good...if you are willing to use it.
<3
ReplyDeletevisiting from FMF - Sarah Jo
Thank you so much, Sarah Jo!
DeleteThank you for being here.
Andrew!
ReplyDeleteI was really hoping to find you "here". :) And "Here" you are.
And yes, so relate to needing to stay busy. Cannot sit still until the work is completed. Not one to sit back and "take a sick day".
And you? I bet without this you still would have been a very busy retiree. You were made to move and to make and create and write and I'm rambling.
Mostly I'm selfish and just really glad you are still "here". And much love to Barbara.
~Tammy
(#5 this week)
Definitely cut from the same cloth, we are. Even on a weekend like this one - it was rough - I still want to get everything done before I rest...and prepare things ahead of time for tomorrow. Sound familiar?
DeleteAnd I would never have retired. I told barbara that before we married, because I knew that a lot of women would take the next train south, hearing that from a guy. I'm lucky she didn't...and today is our 13th anniversary.
I so look forward to your comments, Tammy. Thank you for being here!
Wow! And a happy anniversary to the two of you! If it would allow me to post photos, I'd show you our weekend. (Which is why I'm so late replying to comments)
DeleteWe purchased a 10x8 metal shed to house our firewood pile. I believe that we moved the firewood Thursday in preparation. Friday we assembled the base and realized we'd have to quit. 6 hours on Saturday and probably the same amount Sunday resulted in a completed shed. Then I spent 2 1/2 hours today stacking wood and cleaning up the yard. Whew!
(oh, I didn't mention that Saturday morning we hosted 11 8 year olds along with our 3 girls for our oldest daughter's golden birthday.) 8 on 8/8! That was fun, and then I went to a wedding, and then the shed.
Looking forward to your next posts. For five minutes. ;)
What fun, Tammy! Putting up a shed would be something I'd love to be able to do...I earned my PhD in structural engineering doing large-scale testing of concrete pilings, and spent a lot of time building stuff.
DeleteThank you for sharing this with me - it gave me a big smile.
Andrew. Your heart for life shows so clearly. Thank you for the reminder that we all want to live . . .whether you're the one dying, or the one walking alongside one who's fighting for life. We all need the encouragement of a voice cheering us on. I'm praying for you and Barbara each day. For God's strength to enable each of you to walk out this most difficult journey.
ReplyDeleteAnd the Beatles song? Yeah, I used to sing that one for weddings. ;) Great video. Hugs friend.
You used to sing "Here, There, and Everywhere"? That is SO cool! It's my favourite Beatles' song, bar none.
DeleteAnd yes, we do need that encouragement. It's important enough that Paul mentions it, more than once! Smart guy, eh?
Thank you for being here, and for your prayers.
So glad you are still here Andrew! And that we are all here with you. May we be your light in the darkness. May we be your hope in the midst of the storm. Prayers still ascending!
ReplyDeleteYou guys are my hope, and my encouragement, lifting my head above the waves, Tara. When I started blogging I did not know that it would become part of the core, a very large part of the core of my reason to live.
DeletePlease keep those prayers coming, They get me through.
That made me cry. My husband had radiation last year. We wait and pray. Every day is precious. He's well right now. But who knows next year ..... or the next. We try to live life normally.
ReplyDeleteSharon, please excuse the delay in responding. I am praying for you and your husband now, as I type this...and when I finish I will get down on my knees and offer up some industrial-strength prayer.
DeleteMy heart, and my thoughts, go out to you.
I love finding you here.
ReplyDeleteOh, Denise, you just brought such joy to my heart! Thank you so much...and aI do love finding you here as well...and LOVE the cool 'praying woman' avatar you have.
DeleteAndrew, these words buzz with life. And I recognise the challenge - 'you don't know, I think, how deep my desire to stay is... here with you' Perhaps your strategy of life might seem wasteful of limited energy, but it's impossible for anyone else to know what you need to do in order to truly 'be here' - soul and body. The gift you give of your presence and your words comes in the shape you choose to pour it out, either boldly and extravagantly or sparingly and cautiously. And I'm grateful you choose to be here, as you can.
ReplyDeleteYour words do me great honour, Ruth. I can only say..thank you.
DeleteThe paradigm by which I ive may be wasteful of energy, in fact as well as in perception, but I'm reminde of the immortal words of Tallulah Bankhead -
"My candle burns at both ends;
it will not last the night.
But ah, my foes,
and oh, my friends,
it gives a lovely light."
Thank you for being here, Ruth.
Awww. Beautifully written.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much, for the comment...and for being here.
DeleteI love your words and your word pictures, Andrew. May God continue to grant you more here.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much! I hope He gives me a lot more days, even with pain thrown in.
DeleteIt's worth it.
So good to read your words on "here" and to see that you are, indeed "here". I know it must be so hard for both of you that you wish to do all that you can; yet Barbara wishes for you to rest and not wear yourself out too much! It's hard, for both of you; and I continue to pray for ... shall I say "relief"? ... but at least for the strength to "do" things together as much as you can.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing; I have gotten out of the "habit" of checking for FMF word; but am usually so tired by 10ish on Thurs. nights that I don't look and forget by Fri. morning...I need to get back into it because, like the Tuesday @ Ten and the Simple Woman's Daybook bloggers, I miss "hearing" what the FMF writers have to say - some may show up in each of these blogs; but there are always those others that I don't "hear" from...
Take care...blessings and prayers for you both!
I think that praying for the strength to do things is the best...and I thank you for that. Pain's relative...right now my body would prefer I do something else, but my mind gets to make the final decision, and to some degree it can override the weakness. Not always, and not completely, but resolve can get one pretty far.
DeleteI love the FMF group; these people are terrific. I am so glad I found them!
And your posts to the SImple Woman's Daybook are lovely, Barbara. I always watch for them.
Thank you so much for the prayers! You are in ours as well.
Without hope all is surely lost. God Bless you and may He help you to keep the hope even when it seems hopeless.
ReplyDeleteHe lights my path on some pretty dark nights...and He has help, as the hearts of my friends glow with love.
DeleteThank you for being here - I appreciate your commenting.
Andrew, we are so very glad you are here and it is my prayer that the God of all Hope gives you more here...........xo
ReplyDeleteIt's a privilege and honour to be here, Susan. Thank you so much!
DeletePraying you have peace and comfort and you are here...for a while longer!
ReplyDeleteThank you, Mary. For all the difficulty...I like it here. The trip is worth the struggle, and the joy far outweighs the pain.
DeleteThank you so much for being here!
I was okay until I got to... "leaping from rock to rock along the shore". The words you have written here are thoughtful... and beautiful... and real... and I thank you.
ReplyDeleteAnd I thank you, for being here, and for leaving such an open and warm comment. Your presence is appreciated, more than you know.
DeleteAndrew, this truly touched me deeply. To live in so much pain, yet to want to reach forward with every ounce of strength and live for tomorrow. I am so thankful that you are here. Praying for you!
ReplyDeleteBarbie, thank you...I truly, truly appreciate your words, and your presence here.
DeleteAnd especially for your prayers, because I am more convinced every day that it is the prayers of those who love us that pulls us to what heights we can reach.
This one is so very personal, Andrew. Thank you for giving us a glimpse into your heart for your sweet wife. Keep up the good fight, my friend. Your efforts each day are not in vain but bring us comfort as you suffer to eke them out. God bless and keep you!
ReplyDeleteBeth, thank you...it is personal, and was hard to write. Going further into the subject, and further into my own soul to bring out truths that I think are worth sharing is tough. I can't think of a good metaphor or simile. It's just very hard to face these things, and to write them.
DeleteI'll keep on going, no worries. It's the hardest job I've ever loved, and I am beginning to think that this is what my life has prepared me for...just this moment, this sharing, this hope.
Thank you so much for being here, Beth.
This post is one of you best! Your sincere love for your wife and your perseverance in this fight is beautiful.
ReplyDeleteMary, thank you...I'm glad that the love I have for Barbara comes through, because it's our 13th anniversary! We had a blast...I cleaned the filters on the tank for Barb's snapping turtle, Barb washed Bella the Miracle Dog (who has a broken back, but is re-learning how to walk), and we watched "The Patriot", along with part of "The Best Years of Our Lives".
DeleteSo outings, no dancing (Barb's feet are relieved not to be stepped on), nothing splashy. Just the most enjoyable part of being married...life in the ordinary time.