Your Dying Spouse 42 - Stages of Grief: Bargaining

"Just get me through this, God, and I'll become a priest!"

It's hard to say how many soldiers, sailors, airmen, and Marines said those words, or something very similar.

A lot of them didn't enter the priesthood...but a surprising number did, and accounted for something of a boom in priestly vocations and calls to the ministry after the end of the Second World War. (For an example, read the story of Sgt. Jim Revell in John Toland's masterful Battle: The Story of the Bulge.)

What this is is bargaining. It's offering God something - in this case one's future life - in exchange for having a future life, and in 1969 Elisabeth Kübler-Ross formally recognized this as the 'middle stage' in her model of the grieving process of denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance (the DABDA model).

None of us want the change in life that a terminal illness brings; both the patient and the caregiver would far prefer that the cup would pass from them, untasted. At least for now.

And so, bargaining. It sounds a bit crude...I mean, how does one strike a bargain with the Almighty?

But looking deeper, it's a very human response, and one that should be both recognized and valued.

It's not silly. It's not stupid. And it's not futile.

Generally, those with a terminal diagnosis will bargain from the standpoint of lifestyle; they will identify - rightly or wrongly - something they did that they feel caused the problem, and vow never to do it again, in the hope that it's still worth closing the barn door after the horse has gone.

Quitting smoking may not eradicate one's lung cancer, but it can improve the remaining moths or years...and it sets a good example.

And that is really the point, because when we bargain, we recognize that there's something in our life that shouldn't be there...but we hold onto it anyway. It may be smoking, drinking, gambling...whatever it is, what we're doing is offering up our sins in exchange for a blessing.

The blessing we want is a temporal deliverance from the affliction, but the blessing we get may be far more valuable.

Because the thing we're now, at last ready to give up is generally what is causing the largest breach in our relationship to the Almighty.

This works for the caregiver, as well, though perhaps a bit differently in specifics...usually, bargaining comes from the feeling that one didn't appreciate the time with the patient nearly well enough.

"Just a few more months or years, Lord, that's all I ask...please let me make it right."

And that is the key to making it right now.

So you see, bargaining can work. It can give us the opportunity to lay down the chains that have hobbled our souls, and receive into those now empty hands a measure of grace.

Severe grace, to be sure...the outcome may not be changed by bargaining.

But we are.

(I've tried to make this post as accessible as possible to those of all beliefs...while I am a Christian and write from that perspective, I do not want anyone to come away feeling put aside, but the bargaining part of DABDA is almost exclusively connected to a relationship - of some sort - with a Higher Power, even if that power is made manifest in 'fate'; bargaining has to be a two-way street, for it to be significant in this application. That said, I would appreciate any comments or suggestions for improving the outreach of this subject.)

We're linked to Messy Marriage's Wedded Wednesday, a wonderful gathering place in which you can find untold riches to benefit your marriage.

And no, I'm not exaggerating. The stuff there is really good...if you are willing to use it.

We're also linked to Mom's Morning Coffee., and 3-D Lessons for Life.