Drifting Away

 There's a show on Hillsong Channel called Cafe Theology, hosted by Pastor Terry Crist. It's a good show, and episodes are filmed in...wait for it...a cafe.

In the background, for atmosphere, there are baristas, and customers talking over their drinks...and it struck me recently...

Barb and I used to do that, and I can't recall what we talked about...and if somehow those days would return, I would not know what to say.

We do talk, of course...mainly Barb talks, and I listen. It is hard for me to communicate, yes (after losing my voice I had to learn a new way to speak), but that's an excuse.

The cancer fight is devouring me. It's not like a Hallmark movie, where people reminisce and encourage one another. The fight is largely silent, waged internally (and, yes, through this blog). 

And it's very, very personal; I used to draw inspiration from books and movies, but no more. I can't watch more than a few minutes of a film without impatience, and while I still read, I actually re-read, old books that are old friends, books that helped shape my soul (roll on Narnia!)

If you're still with me, you may be asking, well, how does this relate to my life?

The only thing I can tell you is that I may not be an exception, and that someone you know, in similar straits, will follow a similar path, drifting away in heart and spirit.

It's not something you did or did not do; it's not a failing in being a good friend or spouse. It's just that living so closely with one's own mortality eventually demands that coping comes from within.

It may feel unfair, but it's not something you can fix...and you don't have to, because while the conversation may falter, the love remains.

The long talks over coffee

that I could not do without;

I can't remember for the life of me...

what did we talk about?

Did we speak of future dreams,

or times that we had known?

Philosophize some hair-brained schemes...

but it seems the flower's blown,

and now I am the iron man

to my very core,

focused on survival's plan

and have become a bore,

using all my thought and breath

in harsh denial of my death.

Music from Sister Hazel, with All For You. (If your device doesn't load the video, please click here.)

Thanks to Carol Ashby, Blessed Are The Pure Of Heart is back on Kindle, and will be available in paperback soon.

Friends are everything. I couldn't have done it.

Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.

Don't Do What I Did

 I use humour to get through life. A lot.

OK, singing I Feel Pretty when a couple of Barb's church friends dropped by, maybe over the top. But it sure helps with cancer, especially the way things are going. (How are things going? Like the guy who falls off a ten story building, and as he passes each story is heard saying So far, so good!)

"Chewy, I've got a baaad feeling about this..."  (One of Barb's many nicknames is Chewbacca, for the way she looks first thing in the morning...and I'm a dead man now.)

"Could be worse...at least I'm not slow, soft, and ugly."

"Sure, I'm scared. The thought of having skinny arms and flabby triceps shakes me to the bone." (I don't have them.)

And so on.

It works for me, and that's precisely the problem. It pushes Barb away; she can't mourn as she needs to mourn, and love as she wants and needs to love.

When she told me this, not long ago, I was stunned. I had been thinking, Hey, positive attitude, keep 'em laughing and life's brighter...

But the thing is, brighter for me devalues the pain - and love - of someone else.

Can I change? Fundamentally, probably no, because I really don't feel the pathos of the situation (translation - I'm a shallow idiot). I'm OK with what's going on, and do my best to just enjoy the life I have, and not think about the future that won't be. And the laughs are genuine; a pretend-gravitas is going to be even more disrespectful to Barb that my more-than-occasional bubble-headed cheer.

But what I can do is watch what I say, and what I think, and gauge it against what Barb really needs to hear.

And right now, she doesn't need a constant stream of jokes.

She needs to be taken seriously, and I'll do my best.

But for you out there reading this...please, be mindful. I hurt someone I dearly love, and that can't be completely healed, not now. Don't go down this road. It can get lonely in the end.

The sonnet below first appeared as a comment to Linda Stoll's blog post 8 Marriage Pitfalls To Avoid Like The Plague.

When you spoke, I knew it true;

it was something I refused to see,

that I would not suffer you

to give your best of love to me.

I kept a vain and private heart,

shook off affection with a laugh,

played in full the clownish part

that answered on my soul's behalf.

Don't know if this is how I'm made,

or something learned along the way,

but I behold the price you've paid

and hope I live to see the day

that though I've put you at arm's length

I may yet bow to love's full strength.

Had no idea what music would go with this, but perhaps Petula Clark's Don't Sleep In The Subway does the best. (Please click here if the video doesn't load on your device.)

Thanks to Carol Ashby, Blessed Are The Pure Of Heart is back on Kindle, and will be available in paperback soon.

Friends are everything. I couldn't have done it.

Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.

Ripping The Temple Veil Pt. 2 (by Andrew)

 Last week we gave you a look at Barb's presentation on the ripping of the Temple Veil, that she offered on Good Friday at Belen Christian Church.

Here's my interpretation, in sonnet form...I'm too ill to give any kind of reflection or analysis, so it is what it is. Giving myself permission to maybe not push so hard, and permission is the Five Minute Friday prompt this week.

Somewhat like the Temple Veil,

my fabric's torn in two,

and it's making my heart quail

that I am seeing through

from temporal to what's beyond,

from body into soul,

from Palm Sunday's happy fronds

to transcendent now made whole.

To take the cup was not my choice,

but willingly, I drink,

for without dying there's no voice;

no pain, no need to think

'bout glory of the paradigm shift

when the curtain of my life was ripped.

If you'd like to see Barbara delivering the presentation featured in last week's post, visit the Youtube video below. She begins after the pastor's introduction at about 27:24, but the whole sermon's good if you'd care to take the time for it. (Please click here if the video doesn't appear on your device.)

Thanks to Carol Ashby, Blessed Are The Pure Of Heart is back on Kindle, and will be available in paperback soon.

Friends are everything. I couldn't have done it.

Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.

Ripping Of The Temple Veil (by Barbara)

 Barbara gave this presentation at Belen Christian Church on Good Friday. We thought you might enjoy it.

Ripping of the Temple Veil

Matthew 27:50-51

From the measurements in Exodus 26:1-6 the Veil was 10 cubits long and 10 cubits wide and constructed from 10 sheets of fine twined linen, which is 15 ft x 15 ft. No thickness is provided for the fine linen weave. Nor does 2 Chronicles 3:14 Solomon's temple veil description does not provide any dimensions (“He made the curtain of blue, purple and crimson yarn and fine linen, with cherubim worked into it.”)

Tradition holds that the first century historian Josephus presumed the thickness to be 4 inches, so strong that a horse on either end could not pull it apart. Although Josephus does not really describe the veil thickness, a deep internet search provided

This quotation references a passage from the Mishnah, the early codification of Judaism’s “oral law” — explanations of the Torah. Here is the passage from Herbert Danby’s translation of the Mishnah:

...The veil was one handbreadth thick and was woven on [a loom having] seventy-two rods, and over each rod were twenty-four threads. Its length was forty cubits and its breadth twenty cubits; it was made by eighty-two young girls, and they used to make two in every year; and three hundred priests immersed it.

Alfred Edersheim,The Life and Times of Jesus the Messiah. In this work, Edersheim states;

The Veils before the Most Holy Place were 40 cubits (60 feet) long, and 20 (30 feet) wide, of the thickness of the palm of the hand, and wrought in 72 squares, which were joined together; and these Veils were so heavy, that, in the exaggerated language of the time, it needed 300 priests to manipulate each.  If the Veil was at all such as is described in the Talmud, it could not have been rent in twain by a mere earthquake or the fall of the lintel, although its composition in squares fastened together might explain, how the rent might be as described in the Gospel.¹

Traditionally the Most Holy Place in Herod's Temple was known to be 60ft tall x 30ft wide. Which was greater in height than King Solomon's temple built for the LORD with dimensions of twenty cubits wide and thirty high. (1 Kings 6:2) Translating to 30 feet wide, and 45 feet high. Envision the veil in Herod's Temple 5.5 stories high and 30 ft wide.

 

Ancient Egyptian time to today High quality Fine linen is made from the Flax or Linseed plant's fibrous stem portion. The plant stem proportions is 3ft-4ft in length, slender, and flexible. A plant most modern populous would consider a useless wild flower. The woody stalk when soaked in water, dried, the outer protective shell crushed, the fibers removed and “combed” to separate the shorter fibers from the longer fibers, creates the longer fibers that are twined and spun into a yard then woven into a cloth.

We read this short passage from the 3 Gospels ( Matthew, Mark, and Luke) quickly without the understanding of the moment. “...And, behold, the veil of the temple was rent in twain from the top to the bottom; and the earth did quake, and the rocks rent..” The 5.5 story high veil ripped from top to bottom, now in two pieces and the Most Holy Place, the Ark of the Covenant, the Mercy Seat, reserved for only one elected High priest to see yearly, is exposed for the whole priesthood to see. The earth quaked so violently that the rocks rent/split.

What rocks? Where?

The Temple had large stones for the paved flooring in the Holy Place and Most Holy Place as well as the walls. These were quarried stones slabs for the floor and blocks stacked upon blocks for the wall.

Let's paint a picture of the day. This is like every other Jerusalem Friday before sundown except more busy due to the multitude present for the Passover that just occurred. The Temple is busy with Sabbath purchases and sacrifices, the courtyard is busy, and the Holy Place daily functions are being done by assigned priests. An eclipse occurred from noon until 3PM, then suddenly the events of a rent veil, earthquake, and the rocks renting happens. Where do the frightened multitude escape for shelter, the only place they can, the Holy Place? But it's breaking and as a Jew not a priest cannot enter or they will die. But and earthquake does not just the immediate area. This is such a calamity that the natural “God' event is spoken about in Jerusalem and beyond.

The magnitude of the Father's pain, anger, and wrath of sin and death is leashed upon the Temple. An final act sealing the Spirit leaving the Temple more than 400 years prior. In one swift moment Jesus' obedience and death opened access directly to the One True God and shattered the sacrificial third party ritual, for those who followed Jesus in His ministry days, those who followed Jesus the days after His resurrection and Jesus' followers up to today. We take refuge in these events.

2 Samuel 22:2-3
He said,
“The Lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer;
My God, my rock, in whom I take refuge,
My shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold and my refuge;
My savior, You save me from violence.

Music from Nathan Jess, with Tear The Veil.

Thanks to Carol Ashby, Blessed Are The Pure Of Heart is back on Kindle, and will be available in paperback soon.

Friends are everything. I couldn't have done it.

Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.