Thursday, December 10, 2020

The Thief

 We think of the devil as a thief. We think of fear as a thief.

Rod Stewart sang that time is a thief.

All true, each in its own way. But I'm not talking about the devil or fear or time, here.

I'm talking about me.

I'm a thief, for in my way of dealing with terminal illness...being a joking, flippant hardass...I've taken something from my wife, the emotion to which she, in a married relationship, is entitled/

What she's been denied is best illustrated in Randy Pausch's The Last Lecture" (he himself died of pancreatic cancer):

As we held each other, Jai whispered something in my ear.

“Please don’t die.”

It sounds like Hollywood dialogue. But that’s what she said. I just hugged her more tightly.

Honestly, it makes me cringe to quote that. Both for the weak-suck attitude it shows, and for my own deficiency.

Something like this could never take place here, because I've taken the line that it's best to laugh into death's face, treat cancer as a jolly joke, and through sardonic humour prove myself indomitable.

So Barb knows not to 'go there', even if she feels it, for I'd just deflect the emotion with a quote, perhaps, from Thor: "I have no plans to die today." (It comes close to the end of this short clip...click here if it doesn't come up on your device.)


You push aside a person's concern, and you're really pushing the person away.

And worse, it sets a kind of example..."If he doesn't care about his own death, how can I care about his...or mine?"

And thus, the transition from hardass to dumbass...in trying to make the situation a bit easier, I've made it much, much worse.

Can this be rectified? Though I'm not a pshrink, I'd have to say, No. What I wanted to become is now what I am, and there's no 'inner child' that can be reached. The kid's been killed. Any attempt at reaching 'him' will only be an act, and as anyone who went to high school with me knows, I'm a crappy actor.

But I can just shut up. I can open my heart and close my mouth and listen, and maybe, through the grace of God, some humanity can retutn to moderate what I am, and point me toward what I should be.

Day by day, I keep on going,

laugh at pain beyond belief

while deep in my heart the knowing

that I have become a thief.

I joke about conditions dire,

jest that I’ve not long to live,

while realizing you require

to give what only you can give,

the comfort offered in the holding,

wiping tears from anguished face,

but you’re fearful of a scolding

for I am of a another race,

a people always playing cool,

which effort only plays the fool.


Music from Bryan Adams, with Summer of '69. (Please click here if the video doesn't come up for you.)


Thanks to Carol Ashby, Blessed Are The Pure Of Heart is back on Kindle, and will be available in paperback soon.

Friends are everything. I couldn't have done it.

Below are my recent releases on Kindle -please excuse their presence in the body of the blog. I haven't the energy to get them up as 'buttons' in the sidebar. You can click on the covers to go to the Amazon links.












29 comments:

  1. I am convinced that the harder the hard ass, the gushier the inner "dumbass' that is just doing what must be done to survive. literally. Barb's husband has always been and will always be Jesus first. He's got her - even the part that you think you've failed to be for her. (And take it from one who knows personally about hard hearts, turns out Jesus isn't just a carpenter, he's a mason too.) Ezekiel 36:26 ... a promise he gave me once. a promise I'm still holding him too. a promise I'm pretty sure he won't mind me sharing with you. :) ............ Sending some feisty prayers yours and Barb's way.

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    1. , thank you so much for this, from the bottom of my heart. Love that about Jesus being a mason as well as a carpenter!

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  2. Wow Andrew! You have done it again. You have shared something I am going to write down. "You push aside a person's concern, and you're really pushing the person away." May this truth change the way that I respond to family members who are telling me they are concerned about me in the coming days and weeks. Thank you for sharing this. I am praying for you and Barb!

    Jolene

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    1. Jolene, realizing what we do can be so very hard...I'm just glad you found something of value here, an we are so grateful for your prayers!

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  3. I tried adding my link for 30 minutes and was unable to do it due to numerous technical issues with this link up. So if you would like to read my blog titled Beyond This Life the link for MY blog is

    https://willowbentleysmama.wordpress.com/2020/12/11/beyond-this-life/?preview=true

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    1. Caregivertess, you wrote a really good post this week, and I'm sorry linking it was not possible. I'd suggest all who read these words drop by, but do omit the '?preview=true' when going or the site.

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  4. 'You push aside a person's concern, and you're really pushing the person away' - this stuck with me. I'm going to bear this in mind the next time I try to put a brave face on things. Thanks Andrew - praying for you and Barb.

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    1. 'm so glad this spoke to you...and we thank you for your prayers.

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  5. Andrew, I just want to say - a dumbass, you are not. Friend, you have let this entire journey teach you and change you. The smartes thing you could have done. Praying for both you and Barb this morning!

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    1. Joanne, your perspective here is such an encouragement! Thank you for this, and for your prayers.

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  6. Amen Andrew. Your inner workings are very thought inducing. They make me think outside the comfort of my chronic Illnesses box. Blessings.
    Visit from FMF#9

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    1. Paula, blessings back, and we're praying for you. Chronic illness is a bummer.

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  7. What an interesting post. Andrew's had an epiphany. Hmm.

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    1. Susan, reality hurts, but it oesn't mean it's not there.

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  8. it's hard to see the truth of what we sometimes let ourselves become. To then figure out how to let ourselves be, but within that to let others be who they are as well. Often times the best way to do that...is quite literally to keep our mouths closed. To let those around be and express and show what they need to. Work it. :)

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    1. Annette, you said it perfectly, that "it's hard to see the truth of what we sometimes let ourselves become."

      And letting those around show what they need, without pushback...yes.

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  9. Oh my, what a statement. "Push away anothers concern and you really push the person away" How I see that when I plead with my family! The rejection goes deep and I throw it off, saying it doesn't matter, when, OH YES IT DOES! I must see myself though through their eyes. Thank you. How transparent you are to share your most personal insights! The greatest thief of all is Satan, not you, you remember that. God gives grace to the humble, and that you are. Upping my prayers for you and Barbara this week.

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    1. Mary, thank you for this...and you're so right, the rejection does matter. Always.

      It was a hard post to write, but necessary, sthe truth does, in the end, set one free. That freedom does carry a cost.

      Thank you so much for your prayers!

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  10. Randy Pausch's lecture moved me in many ways. I bought the CD for a bunch of people (back in the day when we had to buy CDs (maybe they were DVDs?). Sending much support to both of you.

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    1. Paula, I never saw 'The Last Lecture', but did read (or rather, listen to) the book. It moved me, too.

      And actually, I still use CDs and DVDs!

      Your support means a lot!

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  11. You are wrestling with some very important things, Andrew, all the while wrestling with death itself. I think Barbara understands more than you might realize. Give yourself some grace, my friend! You are doing your best and that's a lot more than most could do in your position. Prayers!

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    1. Beth, thank you for this, and I think you are right...in recent conversations (since this post was written) there is more unerstanding (and tolerance) on Barb's part than I expected or thought I deserved.

      Thank you so much for your prayers!

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  12. So much truth for us all in what you have written, especially the 'open our heart, close our mouths and listen'all relationships would be so much better if we listened to the spoken and unspoken words, thank you, Andrew - praying for you both!

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    1. Thank you for these uplifting an encouraging words, Sharon...and most especially for your prayers!

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  13. Andrew, I so appreciate your transparency. You're right that when we push another's emotions away, we are pushing them away. You're also right that closing the mouth and opening the ears and heart can begin to mend hurt feelings. I continue to pray for you and Barb, my friend.

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    1. Jeanne, this was a really hard post to write, and I'm so glad it spoke to you!

      We're so very grateful for your prayers.

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  14. Andrew, A little update. I've finished a book that I've been working on. Now doing a proposal for it. Say a prayer for me. I'm still unagented, and I will self-publish it, if need be, but is rather shop it out. Can I mention you as liking my writing? (Since you're a famous blog commenter, hee hee) It's a book about contemplative prayer. How's it over your way? Here were getting some rain. (Yay!!!) Later, Norma

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    1. My dear Norma, hooray! And please, yes, by all means say I like your writing (and wish I could write with your style, elegance, and grace).

      It's cool and dry here, just an occasional front coming through.

      Lots of cows, though. They like to hang around the property (this is open range). They're a friendly presence. If I get tired waling a dog I can lean against a convenient cow until I get my breath back.

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    2. Thank you, Andrew. And yes, I mentioned you in the cover letter. I hope it gives me luck. I mail it tomorrow.

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